jongup won't be able to tell you how long ago it has been since junhong had spoken to him, but he remembers exactly what he said. so of course it'll be awkward as the two boys stand alone in the elevator. sometimes jongup misses playing with junhong — but he plays with himchan now instead. it's just a little different because they kiss instead of trying to beat one another at video games.

"do you like him?" junhong speaks up. his eyes focused on the floor.

"what are you talking about?" jongup smiles.

junhong rolls his eyes, "don't act stupid."

"i'm sorry." the smile again. junhong wants to puke. 

"answer me, hyung." junhong says slowly, head turning to make eye contact with the other boy.

jongup takes a moment to respond, but when he does, the answer sends a dagger into junhong's heart. he leaves immediately after the elevator door opens, without a single word.

himchan greets him, eyes following junhong out of the building before he looks at jongup. "what's up with him?"

"i don't know." 

in the car ride back to their dorm after a performance at music bank, manager hyung talks to them about the schedule for next month. yongguk's nodding quietly in the passenger seat, while daehyun and youngjae were in their own little world. a quiet junhong sits with them, playing with his hands. in the backseat, himchan falls asleep between jongup's legs, head pressed against his chest as jongup holds him.

jongup smiles when himchan hums in his sleep, stirring ever so slightly. he tightens his grip, and looks towards the front of the car where he makes eye contact of a bitter looking yongguk through the rear-view mirror. at first, jongup's scared. scared that yongguk might charge over to the back and strangle him. but then he sees the hint of sadness in those dark eyes. and it feels like a punch to the stomach. 

sometimes it doesn't feel like reality. him being here with his hyung in his arms. if they had stayed together, yongguk would be back here with himchan and he'd be with junhong, messing around in the front seat. jongup starts to feel uneasy. did he do the wrong thing...?

no. yongguk is the one who messed up. jongup saw him with his own eyes — lips locked on the other girl like himchan never meant anything to him. he didn't do anything wrong — yongguk did! so why did he feel so damn guilty now? as if he stole himchan away from him. as if he robbed the only thing yongguk has left. 

"jonguppie..." himchan murmurs, eyes fluttering open. 

"hyung?"

"you're so tense — this is uncomfortable." 

jongup blushes and loosens his grip, "sorry.."

himchan looks up at him for a moment, studying the younger boy with sleepy eyes. it doesn't take long until he falls face-first into his chest and continues to sleep. jongup laughs quietly and brings him closer. his hyung makes him so happy. 

later that night, himchan leaves the group to go relax in his bedroom. lately he's been feeling off — probably because of their hectic schedules. there's a knock at the door and he thinks it's jongup, so he says come in. 

his heart does something weird when he sees yongguk enter the room. himchan turns away immediately, looking down at his palms, "get out." 

yongguk sighs, coming over to sit next to him. he holds out his palm, where two green pills lay in the center, "i brought you something for your headache." 

himchan glances at his palm and turns his head once more, rolling his eyes. of course yongguk knows. he knows everything. so he takes it and pops the pills in his mouth before looking around for a water bottle. when yongguk hands him one, himchan's hesitant, but takes it anyway. 

"himchan.."

"don't even start." 

yongguk sighs. he gets up slowly and turns towards the sitting boy, "i wanted to tell you that i am very sorry. you don't have to accept my apology, but just know that i am." he pauses as if the next words were being forced out of his mouth. "you don't deserve someone like me anyway." 

the younger boy looks up slowly, eyes wide. he doesn't know exactly how to respond to that, so he just watches the leader. yongguk smiles at him, if you can even call it that considering how half-assed it is, and takes his leave. 

that familiar empty feeling returns. 

himchan squeeze his eyes close. he gave up everything for that man. he gave up his dreams and changed it to match his. he gave up his family, friends, his instruments... he gave him everything. he knows yongguk also made his own sacrifices, but they were so happy together. what happened? where did it go wrong?

he gets up and finds jongup in the living room watching tv.

"hyung?" jongup says quietly, tilting his head to see such a gloomy looking himchan.

"let's go on a walk." 

it's nearly 2 am and himchan's eyelids are heavy, but his feet takes him and jongup an hour away from the dorm. he didn't even know where they were at this point because it's so dark and he's so sleepy and his head still hurt a lot. he's thankful that jongup follows him without any complaint though. 

jongup checks his phone from time to time, frowning when he sees missed calls and texts from manager hyung. he looks over at himchan and takes his hand, running his thumb over the older boy's knuckles. himchan pulls away no more than thirty seconds later. 

"what's on your mind?" jongup says softly, as if himchan might break into a million peaces if his voice was any louder.

himchan lifts his head a little and stares straight ahead. he doesn't even know at this point. he stops and turns towards the younger boy, grabbing his wrist to make him stop in his tracks. "jonguppie — do you like me?"

jongup blinks and well , he isn't ready for this. "of course i do." 

"you know what i mean... don't lie to me." 

he couldn't if he tried. so after a moment, jongup nods and smiles. "yeah... i like you, hyung."

himchan watches him under the dim street lights and somehow found the strength to smile. slowly, the other boy leans in and kisses the younger on the lips, nice and deep. jongup responds immediately, cheeks heating up. himchan thought this would make him feel better, but it really doesn't.

he breaks away and buries his face into the crook of jongup's neck. "thank you," he whispers. because lately jongup's the only thing that makes him happy. 

jongup holds him in his arms, and squeezes him lightly. "hyung — it's late... let me get a cab, okay? you need rest."

himchan closes his eyes and hums in response.

it takes about fifteen minutes for jongup to even get a taxi driver's attention. they settle in the back and himchan's glad that the taxi is nice and warm and doesn't smell like death. he leans against jongup and closes his eyes when he feels the car drive off, falling asleep almost immediately.

jongup smiles and pulls him close. he wonders if himchan likes him too. but he does, doesn't he? he has to if he kissed him back there. yeah... he has to.

he watches the older boy sleep, smiling when himchan wriggles his nose or sigh. there's a knot in his stomach and he is aware that they're butterflies now — stupid butterflies that hurt. he's never gotten a case this bad so far. and he realizes now how much he's got it bad for his hyung. ah, well.

the cab stops in front of their dorm, and jongup kisses himchan awake. the older boy grumbles and whines, eyes still closed. "why..."

"wake up, hyung. we're here." jongup pulls out some money and hands it to the cab driver. he gets out of the car and tugs at himchan's arm, who lazily gets out of the cab and stumbles into his arms with his eyes still closed. himchan's half-awake and barely responsive. jongup wishes he's tall and strong like yongguk for a moment, so he can sweep the older boy into his arms and take him inside. but he's jongup and he's short and weaker but he manages to get by. if getting by means putting himchan's arm around his shoulders and dragging him towards the building for the next ten minutes.

himchan wakes up and he's in bed. he doesn't know exactly how he got there, but he remembers hitting his face against a wall while jongup tugs at him through the hallways of the building. he feels something warm around him and realizes that he's in jongup's arms, the younger boy sleeping peacefully next to him. himchan's heart swells, that sweet face making everything on his body hurt. 

he can't handle this. 

himchan slowly pulls away, making sure not to wake the boy up. the older gets out of bed and shuffles out of the room, closing the door quietly behind his back. his mouth is dry and he's really hungry. an apple couldn't hurt, since he hasn't been able to keep down a full meal in a few days. 

he navigates himself around the dark kitchen, hands roaming to find the fruit basket. he freezes when he hears something though. a ghost? no — can't be. he follows the noise down the hallway and stops in yongguk's room. the door's ajar and there's stifled crying and sniffling going on there. himchan bites his lips and leans against the wall.

"it's not fair," junhong's voice came from inside the room. he sniffles before continuing. "i-it's not fair. i hate them, i hate them both." 

yongguk sighs and there's the sound of sheets ruffling along with a whimper from the younger boy. "don't say that. i know you don't mean it." yongguk's voice is raspy with sleep, but warm and comforting. it's too familiar and himchan's knees give out a little. 

"i just want him back, hyung." junhong whines like a child and if himchan was in yongguk's position, the teen would've gotten a smack on the head. but yongguk's much more mature and he chuckles instead. more ruffling of sheets.

"maybe you will, junhong. but for now, let them be happy, okay? don't you think himchannie and jonguppie deserve to be happy?" 

junhong sniffs. "i think we deserve to be happy too, hyung." 

"ah... well." 

there's silence, and himchan's not sure what happens next, but the small noise that escapes junhong and the giggling that follows gives him an idea.

in the morning, jongup wakes up to kisses being pressed against his neck. he hums and pulls himchan close to him, smiling.

"if someone woke me up like that every day, manager kang won't yell at me anymore for sleeping so much."

himchan wriggles his nose, "so you're saying you want manager kang to kiss you 'til you wake up?"

"hyung," jongup sighs. "you know what i mean." 

"oh, so... you want me to kiss you awake every morning?" 

they smile at each other and start to laugh. 

himchan has made the decision to move on that night. to let go of all grudges and just try to be happy... happy with jongup. after all, yongguk's happy with junhong. maybe it's better this way. people come and go after all. so he'll try and do what jongup does all the damn time a little more often... smile.

jongup leans him to kiss his cheek, but when he pulls away, he keeps his face close. "hyung? i want to ask you something." 

"what's up, jongup?" himchan says in english, causing both of them to grin stupidly. 

"well, i was wondering if... you're my boyfriend, hyung?" jongup bites his lip and himchan almost punches the wall because the boy's so cute. 

he thinks for a moment though. it's the question that he knew was coming but now there really wasn't a reason to avoid it, right? himchan keeps his cool an grins, "what? you never asked me to be your boyfriend before, pabo." 

jongup's face reddens immediately and he stumbles over his words. "i-i just thought..."

himchan cuts him off with a kiss and pulls away before he can kiss back. 

"i might consider being your boyfriend if you ask me properly!"

jongup nearly chokes. what was this — middle school? he watches himchan get off the bed and stretch. the boy sits up himself and rubs his temples, grinning lightly. if this is how it's going to be, then fine...

omfg i'm so sorry. why are you guys still subscribed to this, 

i'm horrible at updating ;A; this will be better! summer is here so i'll have more time ^__^

there's so many mixed emotions in this chapter, i don't even know ;;;;

i hope you enjoy this!

i recently wrote a HimUp one-shot called Apricot Jam and i'm working on a chaptered BangHim fic called Can't Do It Alone.

check them out if you can!

if my updates are slow feel free to go yell at me at my tumblr... ;_____;

♡ enjoy!