the feeling jongup gets when he sees yongguk and himchan kissing is painful. worse that those growth spurts, worse than falling on the wooden floor in the practice room and twisting his ankle. he hates it — he hates the thought of them together. the reality of it. because he badly wants to be on the receiving end of himchan's kisses, he wants to be the one to sing him to sleep and hold him through the night. 

and he hates how himchan plays with him. hates how he sneaks his arms around him from behind to make the babyz squeal. hates how he shoves him into things and playfully punch him to make the babyz go crazy and make gifs of it to post online. hates how he puts his arm around him and give him that smile like he wasn't ing the guy to the right of him. 

but he smiles because he can't help it. it is himchan, after all.

he watches them kiss one day in the park, from far away. how himchan smiles into it and yongguk chuckles lowly and pulls him closer. there's so much more that he can take. jongup turns around and tries to find junhong, who recently hasn't been talking to him, and pokes at his shoulder. 

"what do you want?" junhong snaps as jongup takes a seat next to him on the bench. jongup furrows his eyebrows, suddenly even more uncomfortable.

and unwanted.

"what's the matter? can't i talk to you?" jongup blinks.

"i don't want to ing talk to you. why don't you go to talk to himchan, huh?" junhong says with straight lips, his words soaked in harshness. before jongup can speak up, the younger boy simply says "just leave me alone, jongup." and puts his earbuds in.

so jongup apologizes and leaves to go clear his head before he starts to snap back. jongup doesn't fight. he doesn't raise his voice. he knows his limits and he's respectful. he's the quiet, mellow, always smiling jongup. and now that he thinks about it, he's not handsome, alluring, boyfriend material jongup. and he's starting to feel like he's not best friend material either.

another day, he finds daehyun and youngjae making out in their bedroom. he awkwardly closes the door and goes to sit on the couch and pretends like he didn't see any of it. he pretends he didn't get a little jealous that even daehyun and youngjae already got their first kisses. a part of him thinks that they might actually be each other's first kisses. and it hurts to think again. 

he lays down and rubs his face. how did this even started? all of these headaches and their frequency... oh yeah. that dance. he smiles a little, remembering himchan's laughing and their clumsy footsteps. he feels so silly for falling so hard.

"hey, you okay?" it's himchan's voice. jongup moves his hands away and smiles up at his hyung, who hovers over him with a grin on his face. 

"just tired. yongguk's not home?" jongup asks, tilting his head. himchan bites his lip and shakes his head. 

so they're back to cuddling on himchan's bed. 

it's 11 pm and they're whispering to each other. just talking, like friends. jongup cracks a few jokes, and himchan laughs quietly. jongup feels like the luckiest person in the world, being able to lie there with himchan. being able to see that smile. but he remembers that yongguk's seen that smile, and has been the cause of it much more than jongup has. and then he feels like again.

something is off with himchan, though. he keeps on looking at the time and nibbling on his lip. jongup asks if something's wrong, himchan changes the subject immediately. he decides it's not important, and quietly listens to himchan's rant about how the stylists have been giving him only tight jeans to wear.

after awhile, the younger falls asleep with a faint smile on his face, while himchan's an anxious wreck in his arms. he lifts his head to look at the time. in red letters, the clock read 4:32 am. yongguk's still not back. 

the older boy sits up, causing jongup to stir awake. jongup sits up as himchan grabs a hoodie and searches for his wallet on the dresser, knocking over jongup's teddy bear on accident. he doesn't pick it up.

"hyung? what's the matter?" the younger boy asks slowly, eyes dropping to the bear.

"i'm going to go look for him. it's getting too late — i... i'm worried." himchan's voice is shaky. he finally finds his wallet and shoves it into his pocket. before he can reach out to the doorknob, jongup stops him, grabbing his hands and yanking him away.

"hyung, it's late and it's dangerous out there, you can't go alone!" jongup pleads.

himchan frowns. "that's why i have to go..."

"i'll go with you then."

dammit, he doesn't need this right now. himchan shakes his head and says no, firmly. but jongup follows him out of the door anyway after he yanks his wrists away. as they walk, jongup listens to himchan grumble about never returning phone calls or texts, and how stupid yongguk is under his breath. even though he's angry, jongup can easily tell his hyung is very worried. 

they manage to find a late-running cab and jump it. jongup's intrigued at the location himchan gives to the driver — "Steel Nightclub". He remembers hearing this name frequently on the news.

nothing good happens at steel nightclub. nothing.

jongup's even more surprised when he doesn't get ID'd. he follows himchan closely through the crowded dance floor, pushing and pressing between bodies of sweaty young adults who's very well past the recommended amount of alcohol consumption. 

himchan stops and jongup runs into his back on accident. "hyung?" he looks over himchan's shoulder to see what he's looking at, and there, sitting on a too-red couch, locking mouths with a girl in a tiny, too-red dress, is bang yongguk, with too-red lipstick marks on his jaw and neck.