"how do you do it?" himchan asks one day.

jongup tilts his head, "do what?"

"keep on smiling." 

manager hyung starts to yell at them, so jongup pulls the older boy into the practice room and they get into position, but before they start, jongup leans over and whispers in his ear, "you have to find the right reasons." 

but what reasons does he have? himchan stares into the mirror and watches the stylist noona cut his hair and manipulate it into what she wants. he wonders what they're going to do to it but he closes his eyes and huffs lightly. who'll care? definitely not him. definitely not yongguk...

when he opens his eyes he has short, cropped black hair and it made him jump. wow — he didn't expect this. 

"wow, looking good, hyung~" a green-haired daehyun grabs his shoulder and squeezes it before joining a still-blond youngjae and a pink-haired junhong at the couch.  there sat yongguk with purple hair, and their eyes meet for a split second as the older boy cradles the hand himchan broke in his lap. himchan turns his head away and gets up. he needs out.

outside, he sees jongup kicking a rock around, lost in thought. he smiles a little and goes over. he likes jongup a lot — the boy is always lost in another world, always smiling. he stays strong and himchan desperately wants to be courageous like jongup, to have the strength to go through the day with a smile. 

jongup sees him watching from afar, and laughed. loudly. "hyung — your hair!" 

himchan blinks and pouts, going over to touch the younger boy's new light brown hair. "and your hair. no fair!"

"it's time for me to be handsome, hyung~" the younger boy says playfully. himchan rolls his eyes and scratches the back of his neck, eyes moving around the area. jongup watches him quietly. 

"what's your reason to smile then?" himchan asks after a long silence, continuing from where they had left off earlier. he turns his head back to the dancer, their eyes locking.

jongup's lips curled into a bigger smile. "it's a secret."

he hates him. he hates him so much. just being in the same room with makes him angry. but yongguk deserves to have his hand broken from himchan slamming their bedroom door on it. he deserves to sleep on youngjae's bed because himchan threw his things into the living room and won't let him back in. he deserves to have every bad thing happen to him. 

himchan feels the tears coming back. he buries his face into his pillow, breath shaky and fingers trembling to grab onto something warm to hold. it's been three weeks and it still hurts. it still ing hurts. slowly, he gets up. 

jongup lays in his head and stares up at the ceiling. he listens to junhong, daehyun, youngjae, and yongguk in the room next to his, yelling at each other over some video game. really, it gives him a headache. he'd rather sit there in the dark and hum to himself. he's not a singer, but he's a great hummer. 

the door creaks open and jongup doesn't pay attention. he thinks it's junhong, but when the door shuts and a warm body slips under his covers and cuddle into him, jongup blushes. 

"hyung?" 

himchan doesn't answer — instead, he cries. immediately, jongup turns and wraps his arms around the older boy, pulling him close as if on cue. himchan cries, no, he sobs, into the younger boy's chest, hands grabbing the fabric of his shirt. 

he's saying things that jongup can't understand but he nods anyway like he always do. as himchan spoke, the younger boy moves his hands around and reaches for a light. when he sees his hyung's face, his heart drops. so he reaches forward to wipe away the tears with his thumbs. himchan's eyes flutter open and he stops talking and watches the younger boy. a smile appears on his lips, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

jongup hesitates because he's never been in this situation. in the movies, they go in for the kill with a simple glance shared between the two. but then again, there's the awkward, fumbling jongup that doesn't know how to even put things into words. that doesn't know how to do laundry without flooding the laundry room. childish, innocent jongup who shouldn't be ready for grown-up things like this. but he is.

himchan leans forward after a while of jongup staring at him. he buries his head into the crook of his neck and breathes, feeling the younger boy ease down. jongup pulls his hips closer, and rubs a hand up and down the older boy's back. the two boys share a silent conversation. mostly, jongup asking if he's okay and saying everything will be alright. he feels so safe in jongup's arms. 

but he reminded him so much of yongguk.

warm. always smiling. long arms that feel so nice wrapped around him... 

so he does something stupid. 

he kisses him.

the kiss is horribly wet and himchan's not really surprised that jongup kisses back so eagerly. but the younger boy keeps it soft and himchan wonders if it's his first kiss. he feels jongup's thumb against his cheek, wiping his tears away again. himchan smiles at the touch.

the door opens quietly, and junhong freezes at the sight. his stomach doesn't feel to good all of a sudden so he closes the door. maybe some medicine will help.

everything is himup and everything hurts