Have you ever pondered about the words "cause" and "effect"? Pretty sure you did, once or twice, or thrice.. or countless.

 

Everything can be defined as a "cause" to some "effect". One "effect" can stand as a "cause" too.

 

Halimbawa, hindi gusto ni Winter si Yeji kaya hindi naging sila.

 

Cause: Hindi gusto ni Winter si Yeji.

Effect: Hindi naging sila.

 

Hindi naging sila kaya single si Yeji when Ryujin tried to sway her.

 

Cause: Hindi naging sila.

Effect: Single si Yeji when Ryujin tried to sway her.

 

See how that works?

 

Ipagpatuloy natin.

 

Ryujin swayed Yeji but things were not as Yeji expected it to be kaya nakipagbreak siya.

 

Cause: Things were not as Yeji expected it to be.

Effect: Nagbreak sila.

 

And from that, Ryujin wanted to move on.

 

Ryujin tried to move on, found comfort in Karina's presence.

 

Cause: Ryujin tried to move on.

Effect: Found comfort in Karina’s presence.

 

Karina is that person na matutuwa ka talagang makasama siya, but she didn't share the same feelings with Ryujin.

 

She didn't like Ryujin dahil si Winter ang mahal niya.

 

Cause and effect pa din.

 

Cause: Karina loves Winter.

Effect: Si Winter lang ang mahal niya.

 

Cause: Si Winter lang ang mahal ni Karina.

Effect: She didn’t care about anything else.

 

Karina loves Winter and that love brought many things to their current places now.

 

Cause: Karina loves Winter.

Effect: She waited for her.

 

Karina's love for Winter made her stay in Yeji's apartment to reflect.

 

Cause: She stayed in Yeji's apartment.

Effect: Yeji comforted her.

 

That ended up with Karina and Yeji being closer than ever.

 

Ate: Thanks yejj bigyan kita pangkape bukas hehe

Yeji: Wag na, ipangdate niyo nalang ni ate Irene yan.

Ate: sige basta yung lalagyan ng gamot ni tay ha

Yeji: Oo na ate.

 

Nasa probinsya si Yeji ngayon, umuwi para asikasuhin ang parents nila ni Seul. Nagm-maintenance na kasi ang tatay nila.

 

Yeji: Hey Karina, how are you? Magdinner ka na.

Karina: okay naman :”)

Yeji: what’s with the smiley?

Karina: tinawagan ako ni winter

Yeji: For real?

 

Kasalukuyan siyang naglalakad patungo sa eskinitang nasaulo na niya nung college pa siya. Hindi ito ang unang beses na iniwan niyang mag-isa si Karina sa unit niya, but it’s the first time Yeji feels guilty about the real reason why she came home today.

 

Karina: yes, sa number ko mismo and not gigi!!!!

Yeji: Magkausap pa ba kayo?

Karina: kakaend lang ng call :( we have to rest na

 

Yeji smiled, shaking her head at the thought of Karina’s eyes probably twinkling right now dahil kinausap na siya ni Winter one on one after months of avoiding her.

 

Yeji: I hope you’ll have a good?? morning tomorrow??

Karina: kainis ka

Yeji: I’ll probably get back there by early morning or idk, may gagawin lang ako.

Karina: sige, ano ba yan?

Yeji: Personal matters.

 

Lying. Guilt. Consequences.

 

Mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip niya ngayon.

 

Lying.

 

Ito na ang pangalawang beses na nagsinungaling si Yeji kay Karina dahil natatakot siyang magalit ang kaibigan, the first time was when they were still enemies.

 

She’s not lying.. dahil fragments of truth naman ang sinabi niya kay Karina. She’s home for personal matters.

 

Personal matters include her family.

 

And personal matters include an ex na hindi niya nakausap in the past months since their breakup. Yeji had no plans to go back there—that place that confused the hell out of her whether she’s special or just some second option.

 

Pero wala siyang choice—or does she?.. nang tawagan siya ng nanay ni Ryujin, asking to check on her daughter dahil hindi daw sumasagot si Ryujin sa tawag niya, hindi rin umuuwi sa bahay. 

 

Ryujin does that. Sa maikling panahon na naging girlfriend ni Yeji si Ryujin, she’s seen a lot of her. Given that Ryujin is expressive, she also opens up way too much. Much to the point na nakakausap niya ang nanay ni Ryujin after that one time na sinubukan nitong sunduin si Ryujin mula sa apartment ni Yeji back in college.

 

Ryujin hates her mom’s house, but she still talks to her mom anyway. Especially after they heard about her dad’s death, somewhere in Europe after 20 years of his absence, dun nagsimula ang pakikipagusap muli ni Ryujin sa nanay niya. Still, she doesn’t like going to her mom’s house, she doesn’t like her mom’s new family.. and that’s the shallow part of it.. but explains enough for Yeji to know that she has to check on Ryujin tonight.

 

“Long time no see?” Bungad ni Ryujin, not opening the door for Yeji as she kept the confused gaze she gave Yeji from the moment they saw each other on the doorstep of Ryujin’s apartment.

 

“Your mom called me.” With that, tinalikuran agad ni Ryujin ang bisita at bumalik sa pwesto niya sa sofa kung saan may nakahain na mga bote ng alak sa center table na katapat nito.

 

Inis na itinulak ni Yeji ang pinto para makapasok siya sa living room dahil napakawelcoming ng ex niya sa kaniya.

 

Seeing the room, naalala ni Yeji ang huling punta niya dito.. she drove at night back then para lang sugudin ang ex niyang hindi niya na din maintindihan.

 

Ryujin’s place is messy, may reviewers everywhere. May mga bote ng alak sa sahig. Ryujin’s coats are at the dining table. Mabuti nalang talaga at wala namang nakatambak na hugasin sa lababo at malinis naman ang pantry niya or else, si Yeji na ang aalis without telling Ryujin what she came here for.

 

Nabalitaan ni Yeji na hindi na ulit nagtake ng exam si Ryujin unlike her na nakapasa when she took it back in April.

 

“I don't have a mom.” Ryujin’s tone was stern, and she looked uneasy in her seat.

 

Umupo si Yeji sa kabilang gilid ng sofa, ignoring Ryujin’s reply. “Hindi ka nagpaparamdam sa kanila? Bakit?” Tanong niya, she heard Ryujin chuckling, na-sense naman niya ang sarcasm nito.

 

“Hindi ko siya kailangan.”

 

Inalok pa ni Ryujin si Yeji ng hawak niyang bote, mabilis naman siyang umiling at tumanggi.

 

“Didn’t you once say that you want to make her regret what she did nung bata ka? How are you going to—“ It may sound bad. Yeji might be sounding like she’s tolerating Ryujin’s childish plan on getting back to her parents.. but it’s the only way she could get Ryujin to talk.

 

“I don't need anyone's attention anymore. Wala na akong pakielam kaya umalis ka nalang, Yeji.” 

 

“Ryu..”

 

Guilt

 

..is the word that came back to Yeji when she realized what she’s doing.

 

Why the hell is she even trying to help Ryujin after everything that happened?

 

Masaya na siya sa mga kaibigan niya ngayon, mga kaibigan niyang pinaglaruan ni Ryujin noon. So.. why does she feel guilty kung aalis siya at hahayaang ipagpatuloy ni Ryujin ang pag-iisa nito?

 

Her friends would be disappointed.. and Yeji feels guilty about that as well.

 

“Alis!” Ryujin exclaimed nang maramdaman niya ang paglapit ni Yeji.

 

Yeji’s heart jumped—sa sudden outburst ng kasama niya. The guilt inside her started a fight with the hidden fear and anger she was trying to keep in para hindi na sana magkagulo ngayong gabi.

 

Ryujin threw the empty bottle sa ilalim ng lamesa and Yeji heard it clanking with the other empty bottles. The sound made Yeji tense up, moving back to her former seat.

 

“Wala ka nang pakielam sa ibang tao, fine.. then at least before ruining your own life, take responsibility muna sa mga sinira mo. Alam mo ba kung anong epekto ng mga pinaggagawa mo kay Karina sa relasyon nila ni Winter?”

 

Ibinaling ni Yeji ang tingin niya kay Ryujin and found her ex staring at the newly opened bottle na hawak niya sa lap niya.

 

“Stop acting like you don't know what you did to them.” Yeji said, pinipigilan ang sarili na sampalin ulit ang ex niya.

 

She thought Ryujin would flex a smirk on her, like she usually does whenever Karina’s name comes up in their conversation.. but Ryujin didn’t.

 

“Sorry..” Basically an air-like word came out from Ryujin’s mouth. Like she heard it but can’t see it.. Parang narinig lang ni Yeji but it didn’t register in her head.

 

“Sorry?” It was a genuine ‘Pardon?’ kasabay pa ng kunot ng mga kilay ni Yeji dahil nagtataka sa naririnig niya.

 

Ryujin exhaled before she spoke again, “Sorry dahil wala akong kwentang girlfriend noon.”

 

“Sorry dahil nangdamay ako sa pagiging miserable ko.”

 

Nakapikit na si Yeji as she listened, realizing what Ryujin meant with her ‘sorry’.

 

“I really wish I could turn back time para bawiin ang mga kalokohan ko noon kina ate Kat..”

 

“M-Masyado akong naging desperado sa atensyon niya because no one else would be as genuine as she was to me.”

 

It feels unfair. Yeji has always made sure that she can make the people she likes feel special, feel that they’re being taken care of.

 

Yeji didn’t see it since her eyes were close, but Ryujin stared at her as she said the next phrase that had Yeji clenching her jaw.

 

“Even you.. you broke up with me.”

 

Hindi na nagdalawang-isip pa si Yeji when she responded, eyes glaring at Ryujin. “I did that because things won’t work out between us.. Ryujin, you don't.. even love me.” She said that with the last few words slipping out of like it was a sin to even bring that up.

 

Yeji remembered well what happened when they broke up, siya ang sumigaw ng ‘Hindi kita mahal, Ryujin!’ because she can’t get Ryujin to say that she doesn’t love Yeji either.

 

But deep down, she knows it. Hindi ba sinabi din naman ni Ryujin months ago? Na hindi niya talaga minahal si Yeji?

 

“Mahal kita noon. Yeji!” Ryujin chugged on the bottle desperately, a tear started to flow down her cheek. Is she still broken?

 

ing confusing.

 

Confusing if you trust the words, but it was clear how they actually felt during the time they were dating, during the time they broke up, during the time they were both trying to put up masks that said ‘I’m done with you’.

 

Even for Yeji, she knows that deep down.. she cares for Ryujin.

 

It’s easy to ignore what happened, so easy for Yeji to avoid that topic everytime but once it’s there, it all gets messy.

 

Which is why Yeji doesn’t want to go back here.

 

“Pero gusto mo si Kat, Ryu.” Yeji insisted, nahanap ang tamang timing to bring that up. Nakita niya kung paano tumingin si Ryujin sa kaniya, with guilt smeared all over her face.

 

“I was just looking up to her. That’s all.” Ryujin softly explains.

 

Ayaw mang aminin ni Yeji, pero magaling si Ryujin sa pagsuyo. Malamig man ang boses niya, ramdam ni Yeji ang lambot ng pagkakasabi nito tuwing nagpapatalo sa mga away nila noon.

 

Mabilis na iniwasan ni Yeji ang mga mata ni Ryujin, not liking the tiny bit of her heart softening towards the person she shouldn’t even be talking to right now. “So you took advantage during review.. nice.” Pinilit niyang ngumiti nang marinig ang malalim na paghinga ni Ryujin.

 

Mag-eexplain si Ryujin, for sure..

 

and then Yeji would feel like she’s the one who felt the wrong feelings, thought the wrong ideas.

 

“I.. I'm sorry.” Then again, baka lasing na si Ryujin.

 

Yeji’s right. Ryujin really had no excuse for what she did back then.

 

“‘Wag na, Ryu. what's done is done.” She sighed, perhaps a sigh of relief dahil sa wakas, hindi niya na naririnig ang nakakalokong pagpapaliwanag ni Ryujin na ginagamit nitong pangtakas sa mga foul decisions niya sa buhay noon.

 

Yeji heard when Ryujin placed another bottle on the table. Nakita niyang may laman pa.

 

Binitawan ni Ryujin.

 

“Yej.. I swear, I only caught feelings for her after we broke up.” Dahan-dahang lumapit ang bigat ng pag-upo ni Ryujin sa tabi ni Yeji. But before Ryujin could get any closer, Yeji stopped her.

 

Yeji had to stop her.. and the meaningful stares they’ve been giving each other.

 

“O-Oo na. It's not like that will change anything.”

 

That should be it. Yeji wants to wrap this up now because of how confusing all of this is making her feel. Gusto niya nalang umuwi, o bumalik sa Manila kung saan nandun ang mga kaibigan niyang nagpaparamdam sa kaniya ng comfort.

 

Not here, not with Ryujin.

 

Tumayo na si Yeji at kinuha ang huling bote ng alak ni Ryujin na nasa table, drinking all of the remaining liquid in it. Kahit si Ryujin, nagulat sa ginawa niya.

 

Yeji only did it to make sure that Ryujin doesn’t drink any more.

 

“Huwag ka nang masyadong maglasing. Call your mom, give her a chance.” Yeji places the bottle back down on the glass table bago tingnan si Ryujin na nakaupo sa sofa, staring up at her. “She won't leave you in an orphanage anymore. She won't break up with you like I did.. and you won't need to force yourself on her.”

 

Napakahirap sabihin lahat ng yan knowing that Ryujin’s eyes are locked on her. It was harder to do anything else nang maramdaman niya ang paghawak ni Ryujin sa wrist niya. Yeji remained in her firm composure, swallowing the lump in bago ibalik ang titig sa babaeng nakaupo sa harap niya.

 

“Ryujin.” Mahina niyang tawag, dahan-dahang tinanggal ang kamay ni Ryujin.

 

Yeji stepped back, pakiramdam niya.. kung tititig pa siya sa ex niya, baka hindi na siya makauwi sa takot na maawa na naman siya kay Ryujin. Takot nga ba? Awa nga ba?

 

Hindi niya alam, she’s confused so she tried to turn her back on her—but Ryujin stood up and pulled her back to where Yeji was standing earlier, their bodies flushed warmly against each other.

 

Consequences.

 

When Yeji tasted the alcohol again from Ryujin’s lips, everything went back to her. From the moment she liked Winter, she got rejected, she got slapped by Karina, she got courted by Ryujin, she had to break up with Ryujin, she wanted to be Karina’s friend.. and everything else.

 

There’s so much history in there and she’s come a long way to finally get to be with people who care for her as much as she does for them.

 

Yeji’s scared of what this could result in.., the consequences that she’ll face if this kiss sparks into something more.

 

“Please..” Ryujin mumbles against her lips, Yeji closed her eyes.  “Please stay, Yej.”

 

Yeji really thought she’s done with Ryujin.. but she couldn’t point out exactly what got into her head that made her want more of Ryujin.

 

Yeji kissed her back, and begged more of her the whole night.

 

------

 

Morning sunlight woke Yeji up.. and there was no Ryujin anywhere in her apartment.

 

Masyado yatang nagdemand si Yeji sa kaniya kagabi kaya naubos siya ngayon.

 

Uh, . What have I done?

 

Yeji pulled the sheets up above her chest, ibinalot ang kumot sa sarili at hinanap agad ang phone niya habang yakap ang manipis na telang nakabalot sa sarili niya.

 

She saw her phone next to her clothes na maayos nang nakatiklop sa sofa kung saan sila nagsimula ni Ryujin kagabi.

 

Fortunately, hindi pa low battery ang phone niya. There are missed calls from Karina, missed calls from her older sister, Seulgi.

 

Yeji quickly prepared herself to escape her ex’s place. Nasaan ba si Ryujin? Tinakasan ba siya? What happened last night.. Was it something she had to think about? Or something she had to forget?

 

Matapos magbihis at mag-ayos nang sarili, paalis na sana si Yeji nang makita niya ang isang pirasong papel na nakadikit sa isa sa mga magnet sa refrigerator ng unit ni Ryujin.

 

What the hell.. Ryujin?

 

Her thoughts about Ryujin’s note halted when her phone rang. Tumatawag si Seulgi.

 

Right, Yeji forgot.

 

“Nasaan ka? Bakit mag-isa daw sina mama sa bahay?”

 

Yeji’s eyes squinted back inside Ryujin’s living room bago niya saraduhan ang pinto, holding her phone on her other hand. “N-Nasa condo.” She lied.

 

“Wala ka daw don sabi ni Karina..”

 

Napa-sigh nalang si Yeji, thinking how bad she is at lying. “Just.. somewhere.”

 

Tama naman, diba? She’s somewhere.

 

“Yeji.” Yeji knows that tone, the big ate authority tone.

 

Yeji continued walking nang makalabas siya sa building. She’s talking to Seulgi, hindi man sila laging magkausap.. she’s the second closest to her after Karina now.

 

So she told her the truth.

 

“I went to check on Ryujin.. tumawag mom niya sa’kin.”

 

“Ngayong umaga?”

 

“K-Kagabi..” Why did she stutter? Inis niyang sinuklay ang buhok niya, recalling everything that happened last night.

 

Walking now felt like a walk of shame. Alas-sais ng umaga at pumaparada si Yeji who feels so ashamed of herself right now, lalo na nang makatanggap siya ng mensahe mula kay Karina.

 

Karina: Hoy Yeji where ka

 

“May ginawa ba siya sayo?” Yeji placed her phone back closer to her ear nang marinig ang ate niyang magsalita ulit.

 

“Wala..” Wala ba? Ano bang ginawa? Meron..

 

“Sure?”

 

Yeji can’t blame her sister for worrying right now. After all, baka narinig na ni Seulgi pati ang point of view ni Winter kay Ryujin now that they’re workmates. Baka sobrang sama na ng tingin ng ate niya sa ex niya.

 

“Something happened.. pero we both wanted it.” Pag-amin niya, she opens her car door at umupo sa driver’s seat, pagod na ipinatong ang ulo sa manibela while cursing herself in her head.

 

Narinig niya ang galit na singhal ni Seulgi sa kabilang linya, “Nasaan yang Ryujin na yan?”

 

“Wala.., I don’t know.”

 

“Akala ko ba something happened?”

 

“Wala siya when I woke up, she left me a note.”

 

The note.

 

The note is still in Yeji’s hand, crumpled na dahil sa pang-gigigil niya sa sarili.

 

“Anong sabi?”

 

Yeji sighs, opening the piece of paper once again.

 

I appreciate you so much, Yeji. I know you and I know too damn well that you deserve someone better. Someone that isn't me. I left to talk to my mom. Thanks for the nudge last night.. but I hope hindi na maulit yun. Sorry. You deserve better. Have a good life, Yeji.

 

“Have a good life daw.” Yeji chose not to tell every word in there. Hindi naman alam ni Seulgi ang mga bagay na napagusapan nila ni Ryujin kagabi.

 

How can Ryujin word it like si Yeji pa ang nag-initiate? Of course, Yeji’s annoyed.

 

Because after what happened, a part of her wanted to see what would happen between the two of them moving forward.

 

Then again, Yeji guesses na ito na yung mangyayari.. that they’ll think of it as something that shouldn’t happen again.

 

“Gago talaga yun.”

 

“Ate, I kissed her back..”

 

“Gago pa rin siya! Ginalaw ka tapos ganyan? Ibigay mo sa’kin number niyan.”

 

Napapikit na si Yeji while listening to her sister, mahinang inuumpog ang noo niya sa manibela. “‘Wag na ate..” She whispers, closing her eyes.

 

She regrets telling Seulgi the truth. Bakit ba kasi tumawag agad ang ate niya?

 

“Teka, friend ko sa fb yun eh.”

 

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