a piece of you
AfterLove
Everyday, I lose another piece of you. I’m not sure where they’ve gone, but I know they are not hiding because occasionally I check the cupboards and closets; they are no where to be found. I remember a time where I could easily recall your face when I closed my eyes, every last detail and contour - I don’t know when it happened but you became a blur to me and I began to second guess the proximity of your features and who you actually were.
I hate to sleep alone, so when I’m alone I try not to sleep. I dial your number hesitantly, expecting your monotone answering machine, though you answer breathlessly and hushed “Hello?” For a moment my heart drops, I wasn’t expecting an answer.
“Hi, are you not coming home tonight? It’s already Three” You murmur something about work and late practice, you won’t be heading home. You make it so hard for me to miss you.
Infidelity is like breaking a bone, it wasn’t really your fault - Our bodies sometimes fall out of place and land in awkward positions and you replay scenarios in which you could’ve avoided it. Sometimes it really hurts, sometimes it doesn’t hurt all that much - But all of the time it’s safe to say it always needs time to heal and that you’ll never forget it; and like breaking a bone, It never does leave you the same as you once were.
August 11, it was the first time we had gone to any events together since the accident happened. A dinner gala in Yeongdeunpo-gu, something to do with a charity event, that’s what you said anyway - naturally.
I could feel the eyes lure upon me as I entered the room at your side with my fake smile plastered on, it took only ten minutes for you to wander away. Greeted with the same condolences repeatedly, words quickly became fuzzy, the room spun and everything made me dizzy and uneasy. Quickly I rushed for the bathroom, heaving for air as my white strapless gown suffocated me; constricting itself around my torso. I wrapped my fingers around the faucet and watched my wedding band stare up at me “Look at the mess you go yourself into.”
The cold water hit my face like needles as I gasped for air, I glared at myself in the reflection of the framed mirror before me, was this what I’d become? Strands of my hair matted to my face, my cheeks were flushed and pink, my makeup smudged. There was a point in time when people were envious of me, but for what? I’d give anything to remember.
Some how on my search for you I ended up outside, I followed the words of everyone who had seen you: “I think he went out for a cigarette, is everything alright?” I smiled and nodded adding a formal thank you, as I turned my back I could hear their whispers clearly “The poor girl must cling to her husband desperately since she lost the – “
It was chilly that night, I wandered around the building aimlessly - looking like a lost puppy. I would only be denying the truth if I said I was surprised to find you the way I did, your arms wrapped around a red dress. I always knew, but to actually see the other person, the other body, the voice on the other line. It frightened me. You slip your wedding band off so easily, you forget what we had so easily.
I don’t know how long I ran, or how far. I just knew that I could confront you there and then, or I could run away from the problem and never look back until I absolutely had to; until it had me cornered and was staring me in the face telling me I had no other choice. I’m a stupid woman who holds nothing dearly except fear.
I sprinted down the sidewalk as fast as I could, pushing past people as they got in my way, my stilettos loudly clapped against the wet cement, my gown hiked up above my knees. It smelled like hot summer rain mixed with tteokbokki from a pojangmacha, I hated tteokbokki, I remember times when we were dating - when you would try to persuade me to eat it with the promise of kisses.
“But, it’s too spicy!” I laughed as tears trailed from my eyes involuntarily; you persisted like a small child to get your way, clasping my hand tightly as your bottom lip protruded “If you love me, you'll eat the damn thing!” I frowned and clasped my chopsticks tightly as I reached for a piece of the long spicy cylinder, you watched me with completely concentration; I quickly stuffed it into my mouth. After a forced swallow a smirk pulled at the corners of your lips, cupping my face you pulled me closer granting me the reward of your chaste kiss.
Finally when I could run no longer I stopped dead in my tracks, breathing heavily. It was only then I realized I had no clue where I was, hailed a taxi and headed home to sleep off what pain I could before I had to face the world again the next morning and wake up next to you.
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for clarifications sake, pojangmacha is like a road-side food stall, and tteokbokki is just a popular spicy korean dish.
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