🏁

MONZA

Clutching the sheets of the bed tightly, she breathes heavily, tossing and turning, as her body feels like someone lit it up on fire one moment and the other moment it feels like someone dumped her in an ice cold lake.

Bringing up her hands to cover her ears Seungwan jolts up, panting. Looking around she realises that she's not in that room anymore, the reality of being in a hotel in Italy starts to settle in.

She drags herself to sit up leaning her back against the headboard of the bed, reaching for the nightstand to pour herself a glass of water to ease her parched throat.

She has never considered anything related to Joohyun a mistake, but last night in her penthouse might be an exception. She can't escape from it, everytime she thinks of it the details of her deeds replay in her mind like a movie stuck in a loop, 

All she feels is Joohyun, her skin, her scent, her voice, that voice calling out her name so desperately. Everything about last night makes her dizzy, her head hurts thinking about it, cause she could've prevented that and she didn't.

There was no difference left between her and Joohyun, she had used Joohyun too. She had no reason to compile into the older girl's pleading, her mind kept telling her to leave that girl kneeling on the floor and get out of that place but she didn't listen to the one thing that was saving her from doom all along and brought it upon herself.

Hearing the fact that Joohyun was there and lied to her sent her mind into a frenzy, she had lost the ability to think because all she could think about was that once again Joohyun had lied to her and discarded her feelings like they held no significance whatsoever.

She considers last night a mistake not because of her actions. She considers last night a mistake because of her intentions.

Seungwan had made up her mind to punish Joohyun the moment the admittance slipped from the older girl's mouth. The only thought circling in her mind as she guided her feet towards a kneeling Joohyun was to use her—to hurt her, hit her where it pains the most, her heart. Every second her tongue was inside Joohyun's mouth, she wished for the older girl to get addicted to it so much that when she gets deprived of it, she goes crazy, loses her mind and looks for her everywhere. Every mark that was left on her skin was there to remind her who she desired for all along and how she let it go, wishing that Joohyun yearns for her every second of the day. 

She had only realised the vileness behind her thoughts when she rested her fully clothed body on-top of her form, out her name.

What was she thinking? Hurting the girl that offered herself to her just to take revenge. That's so low of her.

‘I need to get away from her as soon as possible before I hurt her any further’ she thinks as she pushes herself up before her feet collide against the floor of Joohyun's bedroom.

She feels ashamed as her eyes look at Joohyun's clothes scattered on the floor, it's not that hard to figure out that she had unleashed a monster within her when she realises that she's still fully clothed while Joohyun…she used her…she used Joohyun.

Before she could take another step forward, a hand stops her, she closes her eyes, her heart begging Joohyun to just let go and free her from her misery but the grip around her wrist only tightens and she is forced to turn around to face a Joohyun whose face is filled with tears.

“Please don't leave like this Wan-ah,” the older girl's voice cracks as she sits up, throwing her arms around her as soon as she sits back on the bed. Seungwan's mind short-circuits, her hands falling limp as Joohyun front presses against hers while she sobs.

“If you leave like this…after we—I can't,” Joohyun whimpers against the skin of her neck. She can tell the older girl is trying to stop herself from sobbing but it's not working, she's failing miserably. How come she's the reason for these tears when she hates it when Joohyun cries?

Clenching her fists she raises her hands, contemplating if she should be even allowed to touch Joohyun again after her wrongdoings or not but the sobbing only increases and she can't think of anything else to calm her down so she wraps her arms around Joohyun's waist, hugging her to stop the older girl from hyperventilating.

She started this mess, she has to fix it.

Running her hand through the raven locks of Joohyun's hair, she uses her other hand to caress the of the older girl. It doesn't take long for the sobbing to die down but the sniffling is still there and she can't take it anymore, her head hurts and she wants nothing more but for Joohyun to stop crying.

“Hyun…,” she brings closer to her ears, whispering tiredly. There was something else she wanted to say but she forgets everything in the moment when her nose nuzzles against Joohyun's neck, exposing her to that intoxicating body scent again.

Subconsciously her tongue darts out, peppering kisses over her earlobe, she moves down leaving a kiss underneath her ear and before she knows one kiss turns into a trail of kisses as works its way down from Joohyun's ears to her shoulders.

She feels the older girl clutching the back of her shirt tightly when she bites the skin of the juncture between her neck and shoulder, leaving yet another mark. She feels her head spinning, everything about this Joohyun allures her, her soft skin, her scent, the noises that come out of , everything lures her in.

Using her hands that were wrapped around her frame she manages to switch their positions with a single swing, pinning her body against the mattress while she hovers on top of her. She feel heat pooling into her stomach when she looks down to see the raw beauty that is the girl lying beneath her, so ethereal that she feels breathless just by looking at her.

Resting her knees between her legs she makes sure not to crush Joohyun with her weight as she slips both of her hands between Joohyun's, intertwining their fingers before she pins Joohyun's hands on top of her head. 

Leaning down she presses her lips ever so slightly over Joohyun's, nibbling on them gently. Her lips are perfect and she still can't make sense how their lips slott so perfectly, like they were made for each other. She feels a small tug on her shirt bringing her down that causes her to open her eyes and look at Joohyun's desperation to have her close to her.

She lets go of Joohyun's hands and leans back just enough to yank her t-shirt away. The action makes Joohyun widen her eyes and something about those round eyes enlarging when she takes off her undergarment makes her feel so hot, that her face burns. Unable to hold that gaze, her only resort is to lean down and kiss Joohyun so she can no longer look straight into those eyes.

It takes her back to the time she lost her innocence to none other than Joohyun, nothing had changed, she was still the same Seungwan who had a hard time dealing with her emotions when it came to her senior, the only difference between that night in Austin and tonight was that she was the one taking Joohyun not Joohyun taking her.

She loses herself in the sensation of claiming Joohyun, it's addicting and luring. She can't stop herself from wanting more of her, the taste of Joohyun lingers in , sweet. 

But her body can't compile with her heart, she is tired, too damn tired to do anything else. It's already astonishing that she even managed to push herself through to please Joohyun.

She rests her head on the pillow facing away from Joohyun, eyelids falling, she shouldn't be this tired especially when she wasn't the one coming off her high for the third time, still she felt exhausted and suddenly the thought of leaving seemed impossible.

She's going to regret this, she's going to sink deeper in this hellhole that is her love for Joohyun, and this time it's no one's fault but her's. Her emotions are still high, she knows she's still deep in the sensation of having Joohyun next to her but she knows as soon as she wakes up next morning, she is going to be lost, so lost.

This is going to break her.

Seungwan wishes she never wakes up, so she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of her desires.

The last thing she remembers before passing out was curling her body into Joohyun's arms, just like old times, being cradled by her.

Brushing aside her hair, she puts the empty glass back on the table and reaches out for her phone, eyes widening a little upon seeing countless missed calls from Joohyun. She had woken up a couple of hours after sleeping and immediately got to work to replace the broken vase in Joohyun's living area before catching the flight to Italy.

She was a good pretender, acting like she didn't want to cry her heart out throughout the meet and greet was something she took pride in, sad right. The moment she got back to her hotel room, she didn't even bother checking her phone and went straight to sleep after freshening up, her body still hung up on the events of the previous night.

‘You should stay away from me Joohyun,’ putting the phone away from her she slips inside the sheets and turns away from the said device ‘We are going to end up hating each other by the time we reach the last race.’

It should be easy, hating Joohyun, but the thought of that scares her, she'd rather numb the pain that loving Joohyun brings instead of hating her, that's how ed up she is.

🏁

“Grazie Red Bull Racing!”

She shouts through her radio, taking the chequered flag to make history. The Red Bull victory drought in Monza ends with her, Son Seungwan the first Red Bull driver to claim the top step of the podium at Ferrari's homeground after a decade.

She feels electricity run through her veins as she climbs on top of her car and spreads her arms proclaiming to the racing world that she is here to stay, to fight and to conquer. The moment she throws herself in the arms of her mechanics, she throws her head upwards facing the sky as a sigh escapes from , years of negligence yet she made it, the title fight isn't over yet but she's determined to give her all, to do whatever it takes, and by whatever if she has to crush her heart again and again, she will.

Right now, the world feels amazing, hands patting her helmet, people chanting her name, it all feels too good. She forgets about the sorrows her heart carries, pays no attention to the fact that after all this is over she has to go back to her world again, in moments like these she's stops caring about her, the one who brings her pain.

Hearing the Tifosi chanting her name despite not being a Ferrari driver, she can't help but drop her cold hearted resolve, taking in a few moments to enjoy the rhythmic and synchronised anthem whose only lyrics are the letters that spell out her name. Experiencing this after those boos in Korea make the moment even more special, more fitting that no matter how much they try to bring her down, she'll always fight back and come out on top.

She finds her eyes glimmering as she steps on the podium surrounded by the sea of Ferrari fans, applauding when the trophy for winning the Italian Grand Prix gets handed over to her, the celebration isn't that grand as she just lifts the trophy and bows her head to show her respect to the crowd.

She doesn't even get a chance to pop her champagne open as she immediately gets attacked by her team's technical director and Seulgi’s showers of champagne on her. She takes a few steps back opening her own bottle to counter them but it's all too much for her because two versus one is never good. Taking it as her loss she strides backwards to get away from them only to collide with someone.

Her breath hitches because she knows very well whom those hands around her waist belong to, the girl she has been avoiding for almost a week now. She turns around as she back tracks herself to lock eyes with Joohyun who stands still, as if the entire world is frozen.

The damage has been done, the person she swore she'll never become was the one looking at her and through her eyes she saw herself in Joohyun. The older girl’s eyes barely held any emotions and the only emotion she could comprehend was longing, Joohyun's desire for her.

As Joohyun lifted her champagne bottle to spray it over her, she stood there, getting drenched and hoping that it was just her mind messing with her, that the Joohyun in front of her was the same as before that night.

Even in her angriest moment, she could never wish for Joohyun to end up like her, doing what Joohyun did to her just seemed cruel, it is cruel.

Usually the winner is the last one to leave the podium celebrations, but when the music stops, she puts the bottle on the podium and rushes to get away from the podium (Joohyun) as soon as possible.

She can't take it. Cold water runs through the sweaty locks of her hair and all she can feel on her skin is Joohyun. She messed up.

Can't Joohyun just forget that they ever got intimate and move on like they did with that drunken kiss? Well…Joohyun did, Seungwan didn't, cause that kiss messed her up and brought everything she was trying to bury back.

Ignoring her is of no use, they are going to end up in each other's faces anyway, tv pens, podiums, press conferences, it's like they are bound to clash one way or another, if not on the track then off the track.

She puts her Red Bull shirt back on and covers her head with the team cap, looking herself in the mirror, she brushes the faint bruise on her neck—she shouldn't call it that, it's a mark left by Joohyun, it's fading and it's exactly what she wanted but why does she feel sad about it, knowing the answer she sighs and buckles up for the one hour post race conference before she storms out of her driver's motorhome.

It's probably past midnight, she doesn't need a clock to confirm it, the fading lights are enough to tell her that everyone in Monza has called it a day, not everyone though. She sits, leaning her back against the frame of the window, grazing the road that's right behind the hotel's entrance.

She should be asleep, it's been a tiring week and she has all the time she needs to recharge since there is no race yet she's wide awake, tiredly watching the cars pass by.

It's not like she's not tired or sleepy, because she is, she's exhausted both physically and emotionally and her eyes are growing heavy but one glance at the bed brings back the restlessness in her body. She doesn't want to be sure but she is sure that she got the same room as last year, it wouldn't be much of a problem for others since mostly all drivers got the rooms from the previous year, but for her it's bothersome.

Everything in this room reminds her of Joohyun, even when she tries to trick herself by telling her heart that the room has changed, it doesn't work especially when that patterned ceiling is still the same and she can recognise that lamp in her sleep.

“Are you sober enough to go back to your room unnie?” With curious eyes she helps Joohyun on her feet, whose face is completely flushed and her eyes are droopy.

“Don’t push it Wan,” Joohyun softly slaps her shoulders, removing her hands from her waist as she stretches her arms, small sighs leaving from when she feels her muscles loosen.

“Just asking, you look drunk,” she shrugs her shoulders and leans down to grab the empty wine glasses, along with the half full wine bottle. The older girl had gotten a special wine as a gift for winning on the Monza Grand Prix’s anniversary. Seungwan thought it would surely be precious enough to belong to some kind of collection, she heard from the employees that the older girl had a wine collection in her penthouse in Monaco.

Instead she was surprised when the older girl showed up after midnight with a bottle of wine. Turns out her teammate remembered their conversation about her never drinking finely aged wine and wanted to be a part of her ‘first’ experience.

She wanted to deny it because she didn't want the older girl to waste such precious liquor just to fulfil her ‘firsts’, but the thought of Joohyun remembering about it made her feel giddy and she opened the door wide open inviting the older girl inside. Sleeping in each other's hotel rooms was pretty much a norm for both of them since that night in Suzuka, none of them explicitly talked about it, but it was obvious that something had changed between them, there was just an unspoken intimacy between them that surely meant that they were more than just some mere teammates.

“High tolerance,” Joohyun clicks her tongue leaning against the window just watching her as she puts the glasses and the wine bottle on the table, “I should be the one asking you since it's your first time drinking aged wine.”

There is a mischievous glint in Joohyun's eyes, she can't exactly pinpoint the emotions that are running through the older girl but she's sure of one thing—Joohyun is going to surprise her tonight.

“Just a little tipsy,” mumbling just loud enough for the older girl to hear her, she leans against the table not knowing what to do with Joohyun's gaze on her, “So, are you staying or sleeping back in your room?”

She doesn't get any answers, but the small chuckle escaping from Joohyun's mouth is enough to make her nervous, it doesn't help that the older girl has abandoned her previous spot and is making her way towards her. 

Seungwan makes space for the older girl to stand but it doesn't seem like she fancies space because instead of standing besides her the older girl prefers invading her personal space instead.

“Answer that for me.”

“Wh-at?”

There is a really unfamiliar smirk resting on the older girl’s face, something she has never seen before, it makes her insides churn, doing weird things to her body. She gulps tasting the weird after taste of that grape wine in when she feels those cold fingers touch the skin of her cheeks, it felt as if her teammate was caressing the flush on her skin due to the alcohol before those fingers worked their way up to her ears, tucking loose strands of her hair behind her ears.

Just when she thought it wouldn't go as far her teammate leaned closer, her leg placed between both of her legs with her hot breath falling right on her ears, “Do you want your unnie to stay?” Electricity ran through all over her, she physically felt her body shudder because she didn’t expect herself to like that low and seductive tone of Joohyun, this woman will be the death of her someday.

“You don’t ask me that when you randomly crash in my room to sleep,” still she keeps herself in check and tries to stay unbothered by their close proximity, “Why ask now unnie? You are more than welcome to stay.”

Taking a step to her side she gets away from Joohyun to maintain some distance, taking the older girl’s silence as a yes, she eyes the bed to make sure there are enough pillows because the older girl likes to sleep with an extra pillow. Without any words exchanged she makes a beeline for the door and sets both of their boots aside, as she locks the door she is sure she hears the older girl chuckle, even if she does she pretends to ignore it and flickers the light switch before she drags herself toward the bed to turn off the lamp so she could sleep.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Joohyun quips, startling her as her face appears right behind the lamp, her cold fingers resting against her on the lamp’s switch.

She looks down to see the older girl caressing the back of her palm with her fingers, making her think if her teammate is even sober or not because this is not something Joohyun would do if she was in her senses.

Pressing down the switch she sits on the edge of the bed, mapping out Joohyun's face in the dark with the help of a little light that comes from the window, she fidgets with her fingers, she knows that Joohyun knows her answer so it doesn't make sense for her to push for an answer.