🏁

ABU DHABI

Silence.

That's what she gets as a reply to her apology. It bothers her, not on Seungwan's part but on her own part. The apology, she made it, said it with her own mouth, still it doesn't feel satisfying to do so, the weight is still there and the guilt still makes her chest hurt. If it wasn't going to do anything, then why did she bother apologising in the first place.

Seungwan, for her, she'll do anything. Her precious Seungwan needed that apology, to heal, to move on and to be happy. Her goal was never to lift that weight off her shoulders, people like her deserve to spend their entire lives with that weight crushing them down, make living suffocating for them. She just wanted to take that pain away from the younger girl, seeing her so lost was one of the heart wrenching things she had to witness, never again.

How can Seungwan even think that there is nothing to her without Joohyun? 

Seungwan without Joohyun is strong. Seungwan without Joohyun is fierce.  Seungwan without Joohyun is confident. Seungwan without Joohyun is passionate. Seungwan without Joohyun is resilient…She can go on and on about how leaving made Seungwan someone she could never become if she had stayed.

Seungwan with Joohyun was just vulnerable, fragile and scared all the time. Filled with cracks that Joohyun created and mended, like an endless cycle. She knows that at some point the younger girl realised that she was being used but just like her, who got used to using Seungwan, maybe the younger girl got addicted to getting used as well.

Joohyun wonders how peaceful Seungwan looks when she's asleep, like she has no worries whatsoever, it's probably the truth because the only time she's disconnected from reality is when she’s asleep. Does she dream about her? Probably not, why would the younger girl purposely make herself suffer by thinking of her. Thinking that was selfish of her and that is exactly her problem, she is selfish when it comes to Seungwan, it is not something she can get rid of this easily

It’s hypocritical for her to even complain that all of this is draining, everytime she thinks about all of this being unfair on her, she thinks about the girl that's sleeping soundly in her bed. If she is finding it hard to cope despite getting the better end of the deal, then how much will Seungwan be dealing with all this when she was the one who got the short end of the deal.

She saw a glimpse of the cracks in Seungwan, a part of her always knew that from what Seungwan walked out was going to extremely affect her mind and that it did. She couldn't explain the feelings she was processing when the younger girl was on the floor, sobbing her heart out, belittling herself.

In that moment, Joohyun felt extremely guilty and angry, how she would do anything to turn back time and make it alright for Seungwan, even at her own expense. That's how much she loves Seungwan.

‘Love’ 

Pathetic isn't it that she has been in love ever since she laid eyes on that eighteen year old rookie, yet she could never tell her those three words that the younger girl was dying to hear, simply because it would be cruel to hurt someone she was trying to protect all along, not saying it turned out to be this painful, if she did, Seungwan wouldn't be able to take it. So, for her sake, she keeps those words in the depths of her heart hoping that one day she'll be able to tell her, no, confess to her.

Carefully removing Seungwan's warm hand from the top of her palm, embracing the coldness, she tucks her hand inside the blanket. Getting up, only to sit in front of the younger girl's sleeping form, with her back pressed against the wall and her eyes fixed on Seungwan's face.

She can never get tired of looking at her, the first time Seungwan slept in her arms, that night in Japan, she couldn't sleep. She never does, her eyes keep drinking in every feature of the girl in her arms until they get tired and she's forced to succumb to sleep, cause if it was up to her she would never be able to keep her eyes closed knowing that Seungwan was in her arms.

Joohyun sat in her dimly lit room, quietly observing as Seungwan slept. The rhythmic rise and fall of the younger girl's chest made her feel a little better, Seungwan deserves rest with everything that's going on around her and in her. She could just sit there and hear her breathe and never get tired of it. It was a sight she was used to, until she wasn't and then she realised how she was nothing with the presence of Seungwan in her life.

Fixing the blanket, she bends next to Seungwan's sleeping figure, leaning to press her lips against her forehead softly, “Hyun,” sighs Seungwan in her sleepy daze, hands clutching the blanket tightly.

“Is she cold?” Wondering to herself, she walks to the other side and carefully slips inside the blanket. How is she supposed to warm her up, if she's ice cold herself? 

Curiously, she presses the back of her palm against the sleeping girl's neck, to see if she's cold. Instead, she finds herself frozen on her spot as Seungwan turns around, her hands clutching the back of her shirt, legs tangled with her own legs and face resting on her chest.

She is supposed to let go, but Seungwan isn't making this easy for her with the way she's clinging to her. She won't lie, it feels nice, so damn good, to have her in her arms like this and she'll take it. Snaking her arms around her torso, she pulls the younger girl close, flushing their bodies together.

“I love you,” Maybe one day she'll be able to allow her vocal chords to make a sound so she can tell her but for now she settles by only mouthing them in the silence of the night.

Silence.

Joohyun steps out of the car, her bandaged hands rest on the top of the door while she grabs the umbrella from the passenger seat. Sao Paulo weather can never be trusted. The sky lights up with a couple of strikes of lightning, rain drops falling in abundance. Despite being night, instead of the usual blackish-blue hue the sky supports a hue that resembles a greyish-black tint.

Drops of falling rain thump against the material of the umbrella she is holding, her feet thrash against the puddles on the ground that were filled with the rain water. Her cream shirt gets a little wet from her shoulder area when she turns on her feet to close the door of the car behind her.

She closes her umbrella once she steps inside the hospital lobby and shakes any remnants of water on it. Her eyes fall on the wet spots on her cream dress shirt as she, a little line of worry etched on forehead, cause she had the keycard to Seungwan's room in her front pocket, she wouldn't want it to get wet.

She walks through the corridors much calmer than the previous time she was here, just six hours ago, in a much worse condition. If she thought that she was going crazy in Silverstone, she for sure was a lunatic when she ran up seven sets of stairs just to get to the seventh floor where Seungwan was.

Joohyun couldn't see Seungwan, all she managed to do was catch a glimpse of the younger girl when she was being shifted from OR to her hospital room, the younger girl was under observation hence no one was allowed to visit her until it was allowed by the hospital staff.

Kim Taeyeon had to hand her a copy of the keycard to her room in order to send her back. She had promised her that no one would stop her from visiting Seungwan, and that she was allowed to see her anytime she wanted except that one time when she desperately wanted to see her. Did Taeyeon know that how much it was hurting her knowing that each second she stood there, Seungwan was in there laying on that hospital bed connected to those machines, tubes going inside her body, she ing hates hospitals for s sake.

In the end, the usual calmness did take over her body as she entrusted the rookie to take care of her unnie until she was back because she had some old business to settle that she should've settled a long time ago.

Standing outside the VIP section, she shows her keycard to one of the staff before she makes her way to the room she has been dying to enter, still she keeps herself calm and knocks on the door to alert Minjeong.

“Hey,” she mutters softly, taking in the condition of the Red Bull rookie, she looks exhausted, rightfully so. “Here,” she hands over the key of her car to the rookie who looks at her a little confused.

“You’re staying the night?”

“Hmmm.”

“She hasn't woken up…but…she called out your name a couple of times in the last hour,” the rookie mutters as she scratches the back of her neck, “I just wanted to let you know that,” adds Minjeong.

 Grabbing her jacket from the couch, the rookie driver looks at her with those tired bloodshot eyes, “And I told her that if you ever hurt her again…I would punch you.”

“Fair enough,” shrugging to herself, she eyes the door to Seungwan's room, mentally preparing herself to see her in that condition.

“That was during Singapore,” Minjeong adds, putting her hands in the pockets of her jacket awkwardly, “You know what she told me…she said she'll protect you if I tried to do that,” the younger girl walks past her and grabs the handle, “You must be wondering why am I telling you this?”

Turning around she removes her gaze from the door and looks to lock eyes with the rookie, “Why?”

“She doesn't think of herself when she does things for you,” the door opens and the rookie is already one step out of the room, “Please think about her too.”

And she's gone but something inside her urges her to follow her, so she goes out the door too and calls her out, “Minjeong.” The younger girl stops, allowing her to walk up to her, “I do—I do think of her too, I haven't been able to show that but in the coming future things will be different.”

Minjeong nods, a sad smile forms on her lips as she sighs, “Jimin is waiting for you at the hotel. I sent her to get some food for you.” 

Joohyun slouches her shoulders on her small walk back to the room, once she steps back inside, her coat comes off and she places it on the sofa where Minjeong's jacket was previously placed. She can't help but look at the bandages wrapped around her wrists, it stings. Funny how she always wished her hands to be like fire so she could get rid of those cold hands only to find that fire isn't a great thing to be on a human's skin.

The Mercedes driver eyes the door that separates her and her former teammate. Gulping the lump in , her hand wraps around the handle as she pushes the door open, only to be greeted by bright lights that blind her.

Raising her