I think I am going to throw up really bad.

"My stomach feels weird Rei," I said as I held my stomach and crouched down the floor.

"You're excited," she noted as she looked at me.

"I don't think so. I am even scared of the thought of going up the stage where everyone can see me I feel like I am gonna throw up."

"Well, you are nervous– hold you are ing nervous?!" that's a surprise tone she let out that even I got surprised too at the tone of her voice.

"Y-yeah?"

"That's a new discovery, I am telling Yujin this. Who would have thought that someone like you gets nervous too?" Rei picked up her phone in the process and started typing– WHAT-WAIT SHE IS TELLING WHO NOW?!

"Don't tell Yujin!" I protested.

"Too late, I already sent it."

And that's how I found myself outside my dorm in the evening, hands in the pocket of my hoodie as I kicked the small stones here and there. Rosy cheeks and cold hands, my body leaning against the right post of the swing, and swinging beside me is An Yujin.

Aside from the creaking sound of the swing, nothing but silence and a faint noise from the nearby busy road has been filling the atmosphere since we got to the nearest playground around my dorm, but it's not awkward though. It's comforting enough, having her presence near me is a great solace, and surely I have forgotten how nervous I was an hour ago. 

Cold hands and rosy cheeks. Autumn is fading and Winter is approaching near and fast.

"How did you know that you are into girls?" I suddenly blurted out of nowhere. Before I even realized what I just asked, it's too late already because the question that I let out also surprised me right after. "I-i-m sorry I didn't mean t-"

I thought she would be offended and start to hate me because I am being too nosy about her life but... she just giggled.

The giggle that she let out sounds so genuine. I am not implying that it's fake before but... something about her when we are alone together makes her emotion and action towards me so genuine, and I love it. It seems as if these are all reserved just for me.

"How could you tell that I am into girls?" she asked back as her giggles died down.

"I..."

She is looking at me directly into my eyes. Cold hands and rosy cheeks, but this sudden conversation is changing that. My hands are starting to warm up. Rosy cheeks still but i feel like heat just rose up to my cheeks, replacing the cold with warmth I didn't know exists on this chilly night.

"Don't worry. It's not like it's a sin to talk about it. I am open minded though," she said, swinging again on her seat and smiling to herself as if she couldn't stop it so she looked down instead on the ground.

"I mean... Gaeul is your ex, right?" I asked and suddenly the creaking sound of the swing stopped, her feet pushing on the ground to support herself and stop swinging forward, and her grip on the chains of the swing tightened.

If the atmosphere earlier is comforting, who would have thought that it's gonna change in an instant. And it's all because of me not thinking first before saying something. I think I said something I shouldn't have. Is she going to hate me now? Is she going to tell me to just go back to my dorm? Is she-

"It's... not what you think," her voice sounds almost inaudible but I heard it clearly. Her eyes are glued on the ground as I noticed her fingers fidgeting tightly on the chains of the swing. "We weren't anything like that," she said as if her voice is almost going to break.

Panic took over my existence as the presence of vulnerable Yujin showed before my eyes. 

"I-I am so so-sorry Yujin I-I" I couldn't stop stuttering and I feel like I am going to cry as well because the last time Yujin was so vulnerable in front of me, she wanted to run away and avoid me so badly and I don't want that to happen again.

Am I being too selfish? I told her before that it's okay to cry when things are hard, right? But in reality I don't want to see her cry anymore because I didn't know that it breaks something in me deep inside too. Am I being too selfish for wanting to see her happy only?

"W-wonyoung?" I didn't know I was lost in my own thoughts and panic state that I didn't realize that she is now looking back at me, worried face and knitted brows in confusion. "A-are you okay? I am sorry, I didn't mean to sound so down, but don't worry you didn't say anything wrong I was just..." Yujin trailed off. Her eyes wandering around trying to find the right words to say. It's as if she's been keeping a secret that she doesn't want anyone else to know.

"You don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable, please don't force yourself I swear I was just asking mindlessly I am so–"

"Gaeul is my cousin."

Huh?

"W-what?"

"Gaeul and I weren't even dating nor do I have any plans to date my cousin. I am a sane person." she chuckled to herself at the end.

Was that a relief I just felt when she let out those words? I shouldn't be too happy about this information, right? I mean I am glad but at the same time I feel something weird in my stomach.

"I- I didn't know. Gaeul never mentioned it to me before," I said.

"It's because she doesn't want everyone to know..."

The look in An Yujin's eyes is unreadable right now. For the time I have known her, she always puts a facade on to mask her real emotions, but whenever she faces me, it's as if all that facade is gone and replaced with a genuine smile, reserved just for me. I can see her looking far ahead, thinking deeply I assume, and she can't look me in the eyes like she usually does. I used to always wonder why she smiles genuinely at me, but right now, I wonder why she can't face me at all whenever she tries putting on a facade.

I tried searching for her eyes only to see how empty it looks, but at the same time, that emptiness looks like it's holding back a lot of things. It's empty because she doesn't want to show what she truly feels. I wonder why again.

"If it's alright to ask..." trailing off trying to see her actions, contemplating whether I should ask it or not, but when I saw her comfortably swinging again, I smiled. " Why were you drunk all that time trying to talk to her?" 

"I don't know..." she sounded unsure but I heard a slight smirk before she continued. "I felt like I wouldn't be able to say what I really wanted to tell her without the influence of alcohol." 

I heard her sigh heavily, her swinging stopped, her shoulders drooping and now she looks like she is almost crouching down the ground while still sitting on the swing. She is now playing with her shoelace, as if looking for a distraction.

"You know my family is a bit complicated," she looked at me but looked away quickly. "I only met Gaeul a few weeks after my father's funera