“Do you think we’re too attached?” 

 

Jonghyun’s eyes slowly blinked open. He looked behind him to cast Kibum a weary glance. 

“What?”

“Do you think we’re too attached?” Kibum asked again, tickling Jonghyun’s ear. 

They lay in bed after sleeping in so late into the evening and refusing to get up. Kibum demanded he be the big spoon, and Jonghyun cuddled into his arms and wrapped his own tightly around Jonghyun’s middle. His chin rested on his shoulder as he spoke.

“Maybe,” Jonghyun answered truthfully, turning back around. He wasn’t really in the mood for one of his antics.

“That’s not good, right?” Kibum asked. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

“If we let it consume us,” Jonghyun said, closing his eyes. He didn’t really want to touch on this topic. 

He knew his anxiousness skyrocketed when he wasn’t around Kibum for too long, and he knew that wasn’t necessarily healthy. But he didn’t want to think about that right now.

The seasons were changing, and it was cold out now, all he wanted to do was lay in a warm bed with his lover. In peace.

“Right,” Kibum whispered absentmindedly.

He was trying to think of more reasons to keep himself from asking Jonghyun to stay. He was on the verge of breaking. Some weeks had passed by and Jonghyun confirmed the acceptance of his scholarship. And once Jonghyun gave him the date of his departure, Kibum had been anxiously counting down the days until he would have to let him go (which was about four months but quickly dwindled to three now). And frankly, he still didn’t want to let him leave.

He ran his fingers through Jonghyun’s hair, wanting to keep him awake.

“Maybe, we should have some time to miss each other, right? We see each other every day.” Kibum said. Jonghyun didn’t respond, but sighed heavily.

Kibum pressed himself closer to his body, pulling Jonghyun closer as well.

“We would grow sick of each other eventually, right?”

“Kibum,” he called in a deep voice, surprising the other. “I don’t really want to talk about that right now,” Jonghyun said sternly. 

But maybe his words came out too harshly because the warmth he had wrapped around his body suddenly disappeared and he was met with the cold and unwelcoming air. 

He turned around to see Kibum’s back facing him now. Jonghyun smacked his own head with regret.

“Bummie, I’m sorry,” Jonghyun whispered. When he didn’t get a response he pulled at Kibum to bring him back closer to him. And Kibum obliged.

“It’s okay,” Kibum responded in a small voice.

Jonghyun hovered over him as he leaned down to kiss him.

“I know it’s going to happen, but I just don’t want to think about it right now. Not while I’m in bed with you like this. Okay?” He said softly, not meaning to hurt his feelings just moments before.

“Okay.” Kibum avoided eye contact, staring off into the distance. He responded as if he had been scolded.

“When we’re behind these four walls, let’s not think of anything else. Okay?” Jonghyun said, leaving another kiss on his lips. 

Kibum nodded.

He kissed him gently, trying to soften him up again. He continued kissing him more and more until their bodies became warm. Touching him in places that made his face twist with pleasure and rid of his solemn and sad expression from before. Making sure his only thoughts right now were of him, of only each in the moment.

“It’s just me and you. Okay?” He whispered sensually into his ear as he slid his body into his.

“Y-yea-okay.” Kibum moaned.

 

Because now Jonghyun, truthfully, didn’t want to think about anything else.

 

                                       ***

 

Kibum spent most of his time trying to forget or ignore the fact that Jonghyun was leaving. And that time went by quickly. Almost too quickly that he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

 

Two months. They had two months left together. That’s all they had left.

The two went through a roller coaster of emotions as the weeks went by. Kibum went through different stages of grief. Since he had vocalized that he wanted Jonghyun to go, his mind eased a bit (but only a little bit) with how happy Jonghyun seemed to be after he got his blessing. Jonghyun was more than thrilled to go.

He had to toughen up and sit through the conversations Jonghyun had with him about all the things he wanted to do or would do. He feigned happiness and interest when Jonghyun showed him pictures of the campus and accommodation. He put on his best act to look excited when Jonghyun shared a new fact about the school facilities when he would blurt out his thoughts.

But now he was starting to feel like he was wearing a mask and only allowing himself to show a side of him that wasn’t real. 

Now he has to face his true feelings.

He was happy for Jonghyun. But he wasn’t happy. 

He was sick and tired of hearing about that country. He wanted to pull his hair out whenever he heard that word. He wanted to cry when Jonghyun shared detailed plans for what he would do without him. He wanted to throw away his laptop when Jonghyun asked him to watch a documentary on the history of that country.

He tried to hold this facade for a while, but the closer it came to his departure date, he snapped.

He continued to lash out at Jonghyun on more than a couple of occasions when he didn’t deserve it. He would allow Jonghyun to talk about Italy, but he would sometimes follow up with a lack of interest or brush him off. He was starting to become unbearable, and he knew it. The whole situation angered him. He knew he wasn’t thinking rationally, but a part of him thought that maybe Jonghyun was happy to be away from him. When on the contrary, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

The worst part of it all was that Jonghyun just took it. He let Kibum yell at him, and he let his rude remarks slide by. He took it all because he knew Kibum was hurting and was trying his best to support him. He knew Kibum loved him and was struggling to let him go.

It upset Jonghyun. A lot. But he didn’t vocalize it. Kibum was struggling enough already. 

But he was starting to feel unloved. Kibum didn’t kiss him as often or hug him. When Kibum looked at him, it was with either a look of irritation or sadness.

He didn’t mean to talk about Italy all that time. But once Kibum gave him that space and opportunity to let him do it, he couldn’t stop. He was excited. It was always on his mind. But he hated seeing how it was affecting them. 

Maybe this opportunity would ruin them after all.

 

                                    

 

“Hey, Bummie?” Jonghyun called. 

Kibum was on his couch doing a bit of work that he wanted to catch up on.

“Hey.” He responded, a little distracted.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jonghyun asked nervously. He had to work up the courage to say what he wanted to say. He had been advised against it, but he wanted to try anyway.

“Sure, what’s up?” Kibum said, looking up from his work to give him some attention.

Jonghyun sat down next to him.

“Do you want to try this new restaurant with me? We haven't gone out on a date in a few weeks.”

He felt a little relief when he saw Kibum’s face brighten up.

“Sure, Jjong.” Kibum said, reaching out to tuck some hair behind his ear. Jonghyun relished in the small action of affection that he felt like he had been deprived of for a week or so.

“Where did you want to go?” 

“Hmm, I was thinking maybe here? What do you think?” Jonghyun said, showing him his phone, with the restaurant pulled up.

“Looks good. What kind of food is it?” Kibum said, leaning over to look properly and taking it upon himself to scroll through the website.

“Uh, well…” Jonghyun responded hesitantly. 

But he started to feel worried when he saw Kibum’s face drop.

“Oh. It’s Italian food.” Kibum said after reading the reviews. 

“Yea…” 

Kibum sat back with his arms crossed. 

“Can’t you just wait to eat it when you get there?” Kibum asked with a little bit of attitude surfacing.

“Well yea… But I just kind of wanted to try some before I left. I thought it would be fun.”

“Well, it’s not real Italian food anyway. So you’d be wasting your money. There’s no point.” Kibum said discouragingly.

Jonghyun had thought it would just be an interesting experience to compare the differences between real Italian food and Korean-Italian food. He just wanted to try it. That’s all.

“I guess. We can go somewhere else.” Jonghyun mumbled, looking defeated.

“It’s fine. I don’t really feel like going out anymore.” Kibum said, standing up and attempting to walk off.

“Why?”

“Because you ruined my mood, Jonghyun, that's why.” He finally snapped. “All you talk about is that place! What makes you think I would want to go to a restaurant like that too?” He said.

Kibum had completely separated himself from him. He walked off into his bedroom. Jonghyun followed slowly behind him. He watched Kibum sit on his bed with his back turned to him.

Jonghyun wasn’t even surprised anymore at how fast the two could break out into an argument now. It didn’t take much for Kibum to get angry.

“Should I… Go home?” Jonghyun asked lowly, leaning against the bedroom door frame.

“Don’t be silly. You can stay. I just don’t want to go out anymore.” He responded after a few moments of silence.

“You don’t want to do anything with me anymore,” Jonghyun said. 

Kibum whipped his head around almost instantly at that accusation.

“Don’t talk like that! You make it sound worse than what it really is. You know I’m just busy with work, and you have school.” He hissed.

“Look, Kibum,” Jonghyun started. “You want me to talk to you when I’m upset, right? I’m doing it now, so listen to me.” Jonghyun said with some authority in his voice. It made Kibum sit quietly after that.

It was time for Jonghyun to be honest about his feelings.

“I feel really unhappy around you these days.” He admitted trying not to fold under the pressure of seeing immediate sadness flash across Kibum’s face.

“I know it’s making you sad, but you said you would support me. You said I should go. But your actions are saying the complete opposite.” He said. Kibum’s sad demeanour changed as he saw the look of guilt starting to take over.

“I want to go, but I want to stay here with you too. And with the way you're acting, you're making me think I should stay. I don’t know what to do anymore.” He said throwing his hands up out of frustration. “Tell me what you want me to do, Kibum,” Jonghyun whispered. 

Kibum’s eyes began to water as he looked at how helpless Jonghyun looked.

“I want you to go.” He said in a shaky voice. 

“Then stop being like this or tell me the actual truth.” Jonghyun shot back.

 

Kibum won’t say it. He won’t dare utter those words to him. He refused to tell him to stay. Those words held too much power.

 

“I-I’m sorry.” Was all Kibum could muster up to say in the beginning. Because he was caught off guard by how honest Jonghyun was being.

“The idea of you leaving…it’s becoming too real. It’s hard.”

“I know,” Jonghyun whispered.

“Jjong. I’m sorry for being mean to you… I’ll stop.” Kibum said, standing up but afraid to approach him.

Jonghyun made a gesture, letting him know it was okay for him to come closer.

“Do you mean it? Don’t say sorry just because you think that’s what I want to hear.” Jonghyun asked, placing his hand on the back of his lover's neck gently.

“I-I do mean it. Really.” Kibum said, leaning in closer.

“L-let’s go. Let’s go to the restaurant. If we go now, we can still make the last call.” 

Jonghyun raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m serious; let's go. I want to go with you.” Kibum said.

“Kibum-“

“If that’s something you want, then I want it,” Kibum said.

Jonghyun sighed. He brought  Kibum in for a long hug and kiss. 

“I wish I could take you with me...don’t think that I want to be away from you like this” Jonghyun whispered.

Kibum didn’t respond.

 

Kibum still dreaded the idea of him going. He didn’t think he would truly ever accept it. 

It took some weeks and a lot of mental strength for Kibum to change his way of thinking so that he wouldn’t push his lover away further.

Eventually, he did learn to be truly happy for Jonghyun. With great effort, he decided to try his best to think more positively after realizing just how badly he was hurting him. 

Kibum started to enjoy the way Jonghyun’s eyes lit up when he shared discussions with his advisor. His smile was bigger when he talked about his trip. He spoke with such enthusiasm and passion, that Kibum couldn’t ignore it if he tried. Instead of getting annoyed or thinking about his immediate departure, Kibum thought about how happy Jonghyun looked when he would word vomit about his school. Jonghyun wasn’t much of a talker, so this really meant a lot to him. Kibum would start conversations, asking him how he was feeling as the time came closer and asking him to bring back souvenirs.

Kibum knew that before and he wasn't really happy for him. It was all an act. He pretended for Jonghyun’s sake. 

But Kibum wasn’t pretending anymore. He was happy. His mind was at peace.

He could finally be there for him now.

He had his moments where he would tear up at the thought of him leaving, but that was inevitable. He still pulled himself together so that he could give him unconditional and selfless love. Because it’s what he deserved. Jonghyun had been there every step of the way since they met, it was time he did something for him that could uplift him in every way possible.

He had to let him go and love him from afar.

 

                                   ***

 

“Here you go! Linguine with Pesto!” Kibum said, placing the bowl of noodles in front of Jonghyun.

“Looks just like the picture, right?” Kibum said, shoving his phone in his face. 

Kibum had decided to try his best at recreating an Italian meal that Jonghyun had mentioned that he wanted to try in passing.

“Yeah, it does. Thank you, Bummie.” Jonghyun said taking the phone from his hand in favour of interlacing their fingers instead.

Kibum blushed profusely at the gentle call of his pet name.

“Y-yea, sure. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to make.” Kibum said with a hint of cockiness.

“Well, it looks great and smells great.” 

“Hmph! Thank you!” Kibum said, crossing his arms with a smug smile on his face.

“But you look and smell better,” Jonghyun grinned. “I’d rather take a bit out of you.” He continued while tugging at the hem of Kibum’s shirt.

“Okay, Jjong! Enough! Just eat your food!” Kibum said, his face red like a cherry tomato.

The two sat down comfortably while eating and drinking. Ever since they had ‘gotten together’ they often had meals together almost routinely. And tonight was just another one of those nights. But Kibum wanted to make it special by making what he really wanted to eat. Plus, they had a special occasion coming up.

“You know what time my exhibition starts tomorrow, right?” Jonghyun asked, between bites.

“Of course, it’s marked down in my calendar. 5 pm sharp!” Kibum beamed. “But I keep thinking, I don’t know how I’ve really  helped you in any way though…” 

 

Jonghyun had asked Kibum to participate in his final project, which he ultimately made into an exhibition, months ago.

Kibum vaguely recalled Jonghyun asking him to pose a few times, but other than that, he wasn’t sure how much he actually contributed. So he wasn’t sure what to expect.

“You’ve helped me out a tonne... Don’t worry about it. You’ll see.” Jonghyun grinned.

“I wish you would tell me the theme or whatever,” Kibum said, rolling his eyes.

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t want to be surprised; I want to know!” Kibum pouted.

“You’ll have to wait like everyone else.” He teased.

“But I’m not like everyone else,” Kibum said, pouting.

Jonghyun only smiled and gave him a fond look. 

“You’re right. You’re not,” he said, reaching for Kibum’s hands to intertwine them. “You mean more to me than anyone else.” 

Something about the way Jonghyun looked at him so endearingly made it hard for him to maintain eye contact and keep a calm composure.

“Because I love you.”

Kibum wanted to hide behind his hands from the shyness and embarrassment he felt. It’s not that he didn’t like hearing such nice things, but he still felt like he had to get used to hearing Jonghyun speak so boldly about his feelings.

“I love you too. So much...” Kibum said in a gentle tone.

Just then, a serene atmosphere engulfed the two and suddenly Kibum wondered why it took them so long to admit their feelings to each other. Or admit it to themselves first. 

Jonghyun dragged him along to the bedroom, where not-so-innocent things were going to occur.

“W-what are you doing?” Kibum asked breathlessly. The feeling of open-mouthed kisses on his neck caused him to stutter.

“Something.” He responded hastily.

“D-don’t you have to get up early in the morning? T-to prepare?” Kibum’s eyes were closed as he relished in the feeling of Jonghyun’s hands being in places that only Kibum would allow.

“Yes…”

“Do you think you’ll be well rested if…if we…”

“Yes,” Jonghyun said, cutting him off in favour of silencing him with his lips.

“But-“

Jonghyun threw him a half-playful and half-irritated look. “My alarm is set, don’t worry. Just kiss me.”

Kibum finally obliged.

 

Kibum got ready with a sense of urgency that next evening.

By the time he woke up, Jonghyun was gone, as he needed to set up his exhibition earlier that day. So thankfully he wouldn’t be distracted while ready (the two had a tendency to lolligag and stay in bed longer than what they needed to). 

He made sure he was running on time, looked his best, and was prepared for the evening. Their friends were invited, and he made sure he texted the boys to make sure they showed up on such an important day.

Kibum’s nerves kicked in, and he didn’t want to disappoint Jonghyun in any way possible, so he left his house early, maybe too early. 

The venue was on campus, which was only a fifteen-minute walk from Jonghyun’s place. So leaving an hour early gave him plenty of time to stop by and get his lover a small gift. 

He arrived no more than twenty minutes early and just lingered outside the venue for some time. He didn’t want to alert Jonghyun and be a cause of distraction by any means. He had never been to an exhibition before so he wasn’t sure how these things worked, which made him feel even more nervous. Because he wasn’t sure what he was walking into. 

 

It was a semi-formal event, so Kibum wore his nicest slacks with a less formal buttoned-up shirt. It was December, so he had to wear a warm jacket as well. He saw many others who lingered in and out of the building dressed up as well. So he felt like he fit in, a little.

The tips of his ears and nose were red, and his hands were beginning to feel stiff. So, once five o'clock hit, Kibum was more than eager to enter. 

He was a little shocked and overwhelmed by what he saw. 

He walked in to see different displays of artwork with students and adults (that looks important) walking around and staring intensely at pieces.

Some students had pottery pieces, some had painted pieces, and others had ceramic pieces. He knew Jonghyun’s speciality was photography, so obviously none of these were his. He walked through the different departments until a student came by and abruptly introduced themselves while handing him a map. Perhaps he saw the confusion on his face as he shortly explained where everything was. He perked up when the photography area was pointed out for him. He thanked the students and quickly headed to the area he needed to be in. 

Once he reached his destination, his body started to fill with excitement. He instantly saw various sizes of photos up on display. He looked around in awe, although he was still not sure what belonged to Jonghyun. There were already a few guests lingering around while analyzing and talking to other people in attendance. There were already so many people here!

But he almost jumped with joy when he heard a familiar laugh in the distance. He turned a corner and saw Jonghyun standing with what he assumed were either students or guests.

He shyly walked up to them, hoping that he wasn’t a big distraction. But his presence was immediately known.

“Kibum?” Jonghyun called. His smile was instantly plastered on his face. He left the people he was talking to in favor of running to him.

“Hey,” Kibum said softly when he felt himself engulfed in a warm and inviting hug. Jonghyun held on for so long and tightly, that Kibum didn’t think he would let him go.

“I’m sorry Jjong, am I late…?” He asked nervously as he looked around at guests who were already patrolling the area. 

“No, not at all,” Jonghyun said, letting him free from his huh, but still refused to let his hand drop from his waist.

“You’re right on time. I didn’t think you would show up so quickly. Why didn’t you call me when you arrived?”

“You said it was at five! And I didn’t want to distract you…”

“I did. Well, the building is open almost all day. I just chose to open my exhibition at five.” He chuckled.

Kibum pouted. “And don’t worry, you wouldn’t have distracted me. I’ve been waiting for you anyway.”

“Hmm. I got you these…” Kibum said, handing Jonghyun a small bouquet of flowers to congratulate him. 

Kibum didn’t think the gesture was all too grand, but it meant the world to Jonghyun.

“Thank you, Bummie.” A childish grin was left on Jonghyun’s face. He leaned forward to leave a kiss on his lips when Kibum abruptly stopped him.

“Ya! In public? People are watching!” He whispered harshly.

Jonghyun just rolled his eyes and settled on a kiss to his cheek, not feeling like riling Kibum up right now. He had time to do that later.

“Where is your work? How do these exhibitions work anyway?” Kibum asked as his eyes bounced back and forth between all the different pictures he saw.

“Well, we display our work. And the artist, me, show up to explain and share our work. And we answer any questions people might have.” He said.

“And my space is this way,” Jonghyun said, tugging Kibum by his hand in the direction they needed to walk. He briefly introduced Kibum to some of his classmates before departing and guiding him in the right direction.

“Don’t freak out,” Jonghyun said, squeezing his hand for a moment.

“Why would I do that?” Kibum asked with an eyebrow raised.

Before entering, Jonghyun showed him a label on the wall that read: 

 

Through My Eyes

A Collection by Kim Jonghyun 

 

Kibum’s heart swelled with pride. But then he immediately felt it drop to his stomach when he finally saw what was inside.

 

“Jonghyun. What. The. Hell.” 

 

When Kibum said ‘yes’ to helping him with his project he didn’t expect to walk into a room full of pictures of… him.

His entire section was full of photos of him.

 

Kibum stood still. He looked around tentatively to wrap his mind around what he was seeing.

Most, if not all, of the pictures were off guard. None that were posed. Jonghyun had ten main photos on display that were at least 30 x 50 in size. They were huge.

A wave of embarrassment washed over him, but also flattery. 

“Care to explain?” Kibum asked, looking at him with wide eyes, hoping other guests wouldn’t see that it was him.

Jonghyun just laughed.

“Why is my face plastered all over this place, Kim Jonghyun?!” He whispered loudly.

“I told you. My professor wanted me to try to focus on humans as a subject. But I decided to make it my final project for my exhibition. Why wouldn’t I pick you?”

Kibum had gotten so used to seeing Jonghyun with a camera at times he had hardly registered that he was being photographed or thought he was taking a picture of something else rather. 

“You don’t like it?” He asked carefully with still a hint of teasing. 

“No, no! The pictures are beautiful actually…” Kibum said, looking at them again. 

The photos were all framed and had a glossy finish. And even though the pictures were off guard, he saw that Jonghyun was still careful at how he presented the photos with the overall composition.

“Can you explain? It feels almost a bit…random?” Kibum said cautiously, hoping he didn’t offend him.

“Maybe it looks random  upon the first glance. But it’s just a small collection of some of the moments we shared but through my eyes.”

Kibum blinked. Of course, there was a deeper meaning behind it all. Now he felt a little bad at his initial reaction. His face was red like a tomato.

To his embarrassment, he walked up to a photo of himself that caught his eye the most.

“But this picture? It’s just my hands holding flowers.” There were a few photos where his face wasn’t included, but a silhouette or a side profile.

“Yea. But that day we went to the park after visiting your mother in the hospital. You were really sad that day, during this period of your life actually. But after you saw these flowers you gushed about how these were in full bloom and they were hard to find. You went on and on about them and you sounded so…happy. Your hands were shaking from excitement. So I took a picture. I thought you might like to see them again if you couldn’t find them in the park again.”

“Oh,” Kibum said, humbled. He wasn’t into photography and had always thought that some photographers mindlessly took photos of things without much thinking, but Jonghyun just proved to him that that simply wasn’t true. 

“You were rarely happy then, so whenever you cracked a little smile, I took a picture,” Jonghyun said pointing to the picture next to it.

It was a picture of Kibum smiling with a butterfly on his wrist. This picture was from the same day as the other photo, as he noticed he was wearing the same shirt. The memory of that day immediately came back to the forefront of his mind.

“Ah…I remember that day now…” Kibum said to himself. His cheeks felt warm from the memory of what happened after they got home from the park the day as well. When everything started between them.

“What about this one?” Kibum asked.

It was a picture of him on his bed with his face buried in his arms. His laptop was placed in front of him. Only his messy strune hair was visible with light reflecting off of him blaring from the laptop. The laptop being the only light source while the rest of the picture was shredded in darkness.

“You were stressed after submitting a bunch of resumes. But I thought once you succeeded you could take a look back at how far you’d come.” 

Kibum looked at him in awe at how thoughtful and intentional Jonghyun had been with his photos.

“I like this one the most,” Jonghyun said, tugging him towards another photo.

It showed the two riding on a subway. It was a photo taken from a reflection in the window across from where they were sitting. Kibum’s head was resting on Jonghyun’s shoulder and he had his hand interlaced with his. Jonghyun’s face was covered by the camera, as he held it up to his eye to take the picture. Kibum was clearly meant to be focused, and the soft smile on his face as he looked down at their hands didn’t go unnoticed.

“Do you remember? We had the whole train cart to ourselves? And it was the first time you held my hand in public. And…it was a few weeks after you said you loved me.” Jonghyun said. 

“I think it’s important to take pictures. To see a memory and be able to hold it in your hands. You never know when someone in your life will disappear and you’ll forget their face…So I think it’s important to be able to have those little memories.”

Only Kibum understood the deeper meaning behind those words. He wasn’t sure what came over him as he felt his eyes start to water.

“Wow.” He said, quickly trying to wipe his eyes.

Jonghyun just brought him in for a comforting hug.

Kibum felt overwhelmed at the thought of how much Jonghyun seemed to cherish these little moments between the two. Had he taken him for granted all this time? Did he really deserve Jonghyun’s love? 

“I’m sorry,” Kibum said sniffling.

“Well, I guess that means you like it then. Right?” Jonghyun teased.

“I love it. You did an amazing job, the pictures are so well thought out. They’re beautiful.” Kibum meant that in every way possible (not just because he was in them). 

“I’m really proud of you.” Kibum hummed.

Kibum was still a bit out off about public displays of affection but at this moment he didn’t care. The two leaned close to each other to kiss when their intimate moment was abruptly interrupted.

“Ew.”

They turned around to see some guests Jonghyun was waiting for.

Minho’s face was scrunched up as he pretended to gag. 

“Can’t you two keep your hands off each other for at least an hour or something?” Minho said with an evil grin on his face. 

“I didn’t take you two as the type to make out in public,” Taemin said coming from behind his friend.

“W-we weren’t making out!” Kibum said, jumping out of Jonghyun’s embrace. 

“They’re still in their honeymoon phase.” 

Jinki just chuckled in the distance as he made his entrance known.

“I’m glad you guys are all here,” Jonghyun said, greeting his friends with more warm embraces. 

Kibum was glued by his side the whole time, their hands interlaced. 

“Let me show you guys around. But then I need to be around to speak to some guests.”

They let him go to do what he needed to do for the rest of the evening. Kibum was on a high from before, so he was in a great mood. They all preoccupied themselves and looked at other artwork as they waited for the exhibition to end. But once Minho and Taemin wandered off on their own for a bit, Kibum was left with Jinki.

“So…” Jinki started almost immediately after the two were alone.

“Yea?” Kibum chuckled, finding Jinki’s sudden nervousness amusing.

“How are you doing, Kibum?” Jinki asked, concern clear on his face.

Kibum smiled. He smiled because he knew Jinki’s words held a deeper meaning. He had a little less than two weeks before Jonghyun was going to leave.

“I’m…fine. I really am.” Kibum said, his gaze drifting off to Jonghyun’s figure. “I’ll be okay.” He finished.

Jinki sighed. A sigh of relief. “I’m glad.” He smiled.

“You know… we’ll be here. I’ll be here. You don’t have to be alone.” He added.

Kibum was grateful.

Because Kibum knew once he departed he was going to go through a whirlwind of emotions. 

And no, he didn’t have to go through that alone.

 

                                        

                                       ***

 

Jonghyun was leaving in three days. 

Jonghyun scrambled around the last few weeks trying to sort out his passport and visa and things related to that while packing.

Kibum did whatever he could to help lessen the burden and his stress as much as possible. Jonghyun had to break his lease at his apartment before the end of his contract which resulted in a hefty fee, but Kibum selflessly helped him pay for it. Once the contract was broken he let Jonghyun live with him his last week. He helped him move his remaining things to his fathers' house. He ushered him around when he needed to go out and buy last-minute things he wanted or needed. He helped him pack when he didn’t have time to do it himself. And he held and comforted him when he started to doubt himself. He did everything he could to help keep him sane.

And Jonghyun couldn’t have been more thankful.

 

Even tonight Kibum decided he would host a small going away party for him and with their friend group.

He doctorated and ordered food for everyone and was worrying himself into a frenzy. But he didn’t mind, it helped him keep his mind off of him leaving. 

“Why don’t you come sit down?” Jonghyun said to him as he followed him into his kitchen. 

“I will. I just want to get everyone a drink first.” Kibum said, grabbing a bottle from his fridge.

“I can do it,” Jonghyun said.

“No, it’s okay why don’t you-“

“Kibum,” Jonghyun said, grabbing him gently to stop his movements. 

“You're supposed to be spending time with me too.” He said frowning. “You’ve been running around all day. Come sit with me.” 

Kibum blushed from embarrassment. Even though it was his idea to throw a ‘Going Away Party’ he still wanted to keep the idea of him actually going away out of his mind. Being busy helped that.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m excited to have my time with just you after they leave. But I still want you here with me now.” He said, before leaning in to give him a kiss.

“Ew! They’re doing it again!” Minho said from the living area.

 

They spent the rest of the evening talking, laughing, and spending time with each other. They sang at the top of their lungs during karaoke until Kibum’s neighbour banged on the wall. They drank until they could hardly stand. Kibum, Taemin, and Minho regrettably agreed to watch Jinki and Jonghyun play a few video games. They were determined to make sure Jonghyun’s last days in Korea were filled with enjoyment.

But in the middle of all this, Kibum couldn’t help but a moment of sadness washed over him. Seeing how happy Jonghyun was, he realized after this week he wouldn’t be able to see that smile again for quite a while. While they were distracted playing their game Kibum excused himself to go to the bathroom to be alone.

He sat on the top of his toilet seat burying his face in his hands. He had been with Jonghyun nearly every single day for months now. He had been so busy the last few weeks he hadn’t had much time to himself to be sad. But he didn’t want to be sad, he didn’t want to think about it.

He tried to ignore the first tear that came down. He acted as though he didn’t feel that wet streak running down the side of his face. But it got harder to ignore the others that followed after. 

A small sob released past his lips.

He sat on the top of the toilet seat, too consumed in his sadness to worry about germs and such things. He cried silently as he thought more about how real this was becoming. 

He didn’t even look up when he heard his bathroom door cream open. 

“Hyung?” Taemin’s small voice came. 

“You’re supposed to knock first.” Kibum joked, through tears. 

He felt his friend’s hand pat his back, hoping to comfort him.

“Are you okay?” Taemin asked.

“Yes? I mean I s-should be, right? I was this week. But now I’m not. One week I’m okay and then the next I’m not.” He sniffled looking up at him.

Taemin grabbed some toilet paper from underneath the sink cabinet to wipe at his older friend's tears. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it all this time,” Taemin said.

“See what?”

“How much you love him.” 

Kibum chuckled. “Well, you’ve always been a little aloof.” 

“That’s not true!” Taemin whined.

Kibum laughed as he wiped away the wetness he felt on his cheeks.

“I mean I can’t blame you. How could you have known it if I didn’t even know it myself?” Kibum said.

“He’ll be back, Hyung. It’s only six months.” Taemin tried to reassure him. 

“It doesn’t sound like a long time, but…” Kibum trailed off. “I don’t know, I’m used to being with him all the time.”

“Yea, I know. I guess it’s a little different when you're dating.” Taemin said, scratching the back of his head.

Kibum blushed at that statement but decided not to correct him.

“I’m sitting on the toilet crying like an idiot. He’s not leaving forever but it feels like it.” Kibum said, sniffling in between words again.

“I know it’s hard,” Taemin said. “You guys have always been close, even when you weren’t.”

No matter how much time they spent apart they never truly drifted apart. But now things were going to be a little different.

“But you’ve got me! You’ve got us! And when Jonghyun comes back you can just relive your fairytale moments all over again.” Taemin cheered.

It felt good for Kibum to talk about his feelings. Aside from his talk with Jinki a few months ago, he hasn’t been able to talk about with anyone else how he was feeling. He hadn’t been able to fully process his emotions. This small conversation really did a lot for him.

“Thanks, Taem.” He said standing up to hug his friend. 

 

                                     —

 

“Where’s Kibum? And Taemin?” Jonghyun asked after he and Jinki finished their game. 

Minho had been tasked with distracting them for a bit while Taemin went off to comfort Kibum.

“They went to his room. Taemin just needed to talk to him about something personal. They’ll be back.” Minho said.

“Oh, okay.” Jonghyun frowned. 

“So how does it feel to start travelling the world now?” Minho asked, playfully pushing his friend.

“I’m excited. And scared.” Jonghyun admitted. “I have no idea what I’m doing.” 

“It takes a lot of courage to get up and move to another country, but you’ll be fine. I know it.” Jinki said. 

“And how do you feel…about you two? What are you guys planning to do about your ‘relationship’?” Jinki asked carefully.

Jonghyun said quietly for a bit before he spoke.

“I’m…I’m not looking forward to leaving him. If that’s what you mean. I’m nervous actually.” 

“Why?”

“I mean, what if he moves on? He said he would wait for me, but what if he doesn’t? Six months is long enough for your desires to change.” Jonghyun said.

“I really love him and I don’t want to lose him. Not after everything we’ve gone through. A part of me really doesn’t want to go at all...” 

Minho and Jinki gave each other a look, communicating with each other that they needed to handle this situation with caution.

“I’ve told Kibum this already, but I think you two need some time away from each other. I think this will be good for you both.” Jinki said honestly. 

“You both have time to figure out who you are and what you want without the pressure of a relationship right now.”

“But I want a relationship with him,” Jonghyun said.

“But do you need one right now, Hyung?” Minho interjected. 

Jonghyun looked down, unable to make eye contact because he knew the truth.

“Kibum will be here when you get back. If feelings change, feelings change. Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do about it.” Jinki said, hoping he didn’t sound too harsh. 

Jonghyun nodded. 

“But if it’s any help, I think you guys were meant to be together,” Minho said. Jonghyun smiled.

“So, in the meantime, live your life so he can go live his. And then maybe you two can live life together later.” Minho finished. 

“I guess that makes sense. Thanks.” Jonghyun said. Because Jonghyun needed a reality check. But he still held his same feelings.

 

Just then Taemin and Kibum walked back into the living area, everyone trying to act natural. Although they all had the feeling that they all knew what was going on.

Kibum’s red-rimmed eye didn’t go unnoticed by Jonghyun. But he didn’t want to say anything to embarrass or call him out in front of everyone.

 

“Ermm. So… gift-giving time?” Taemin said, breaking the tension.

 

They all even got him gifts as their last gesture before they left. Jinki bought him the latest video game from a series they’ve both been dying to play, with the promise that they’ll play over computers while he’s gone. Minho gifted him a set of candles that he told him that he hoped would remind him of home. While Taemin gifted him some film for his Polaroid camera with a list attached of the souvenirs he wanted from Italy as well.

“Here,” Kibum said, handing him his wrapped gift. 

Jonghyun was a bit overwhelmed at all the generous and kind gestures but he was excited for Kibum’s.

It felt heavy and sturdy, so he was really curious to see what it was.

“I hope you like it. I mean it’s not the best gift, but I think it’s useful you know?” Kibum said, rambling as he watched him open it. Taemin patted his back to try to help calm his nerves.

“Oh!” 

Jonghyun smiled as he opened Kibum’s gift. It was a set of language books for Italian. Jonghyun had just been too busy and lazy to study the language the past few weeks, only knowing the basics.

“You seriously need to study this, okay? Study every night! I don’t want you to end up lost on the other side of the world. And I want you to make friends. Okay? So try to be more open and social. I don’t want you to be alone out there either. And make sure-“ 

“Okay, okay,” Jonghyun said laughing, cutting Kibum’s rant off with a hug. 

“Thank you.”

“I got you one more thing,” Kibum said frantically.

Kibum pulled a framed photo from behind him.

Jonghyun went silent as he looked down at the photo in awe. Everyone leaned in to take a look at the photo.

“I’ve…never seen this picture before.” He whispered.

Jonghyun and Kibum had a number of pictures taken together with each other over the years. Most were in their teens and adulthood. It was rare for them to see a photo of them as kids.

It was a photo of them sitting together on the couch in Kibum’s childhood home when they were nine years old. Kibum’s smile stretched across his face and he made a peace sign with one hand and the other one around Jonghyun’s shoulder. Jonghyun was sitting ridged with a blank look on his face as he held up a small peace sign too.

“Yea. My mom found it. She said it was taken a few months after we met. This was the first time you were allowed over to my home remember? You were really quiet and shy, my mom thought you were so cute. So she took a picture of us together.” 

Jonghyun caressed the picture as he replayed the memory silently to himself.

“ I just copied it and reprinted it and got it restored so the quality is better….do you like it?” Kibum asked tentatively. 

Kibum knew how much Jonghyun loved taking pictures and how much he valued them. And after his exhibition, he thought maybe he could return the same gesture, even if it wasn’t as grand as his.

 

“I love it,” Jonghyun said. He still sat quietly as he stared at the picture. Kibum knew him best, so he knew he was trying his best to keep his emotions in at the moment. So he rested his hand and his thigh for comfort.

After this, the rest of the boys decided it was time for them to go for the night. They said their goodbyes and wished him the best of luck with promises to keep in contact while he was away.

 

After the night was done the two were left alone in each other's presence. 

It’s not that they weren’t happy to see their friends but they couldn’t wait to be alone with each other again.

 

“Kibum?” 

Said man poked his head out from his bathroom.

“Yea?”

“Come to bed already,” Jonghyun said.

“Okay, okay. Hold on.” He said finishing up his routine.

Jonghyun sat on Kibum’s bed waiting impatiently. Living with Kibum the past few weeks really helped relieve some stress from everything else he had to do to prepare to leave. But it also set in a strong desire to stay and be with Kibum as well. He enjoyed coming home to him and vice versa. He likes the idea of knowing someone would be there when he came home. He liked not having to go back and forth between his apartment and Kibum’s. He liked being in one space with him.

He grabbed the picture from Kibum that he had placed on his nightstand. 

He stared at it lovingly recalling the memories of that time.

He felt arms snake around him the next moment and he automatically leaned into the touch that he had been waiting for.

“You don’t know how much this picture means to me, Bum.” He said.

“You like it that much?” Kibum asked, a hint of surprise in his voice. 

“I love it that much.” He said suddenly putting the picture down in favor of lying down in his arms.

“I’m going to see my dad tomorrow. You know, I think he has finally forgiven me.” Jonghyun said. 

“Really? That’s great Jjong.”

“He bought me new shoes. He said they were for traveling, since he thinks I’ll be doing a lot of walking.” He grinned so himself.

Jonghyun’s father had been more than angry once he revealed to him that he had accepted the scholarship. They argued and fought over it. They didn’t talk for a few weeks even. But last month his father had finally come to terms with it, realizing he would only be pushing him away just like how he did to his mother. 

“I told him I wasn’t abandoning him. That I was coming back. He needed a lot of reassurance.” Jonghyun recalled. 

“I’m sure he’s made peace with it now,” Kibum said, running his hand through his hair. “Besides, he will be here when you get back. Like me.” 

“Will you?” Jonghyun asked in an instant.

Kibum sat up and gave him an incredulous look. 

“Jonghyun, we’ve talked about this.” He said seriously.

“I know…” Jonghyun said not able to look him in the eyes.

Kibum sighed as pulled him forward to give him a kiss. It was an innocent and reassuring one but something felt off.

When they pulled apart a heavy silence hovered over them. Kibum studied him, unsure where his sudden solemn mood came from. He ran his hand up and down his back to give him more comfort instead of forcing him to talk. 

 

“Kibum.” 

“Yes?” He responded looking at him worriedly.

“If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.” Jonghyun whispered.

Kibum took a sharp inhale at these words. What did he just hear? After months of preparation, Jonghyun suddenly decides to throw this opportunity away? No, he didn’t mean it. He knew Jonghyun wanted to go. He would regret his decision if he stayed. 

He was just caught up in the moment.

 

The extremely selfish part of Kibum wanted to tell him to stay. He wanted to tell him to stay by his side and never leave him. He wanted to stay in his arms forever, just like this. But he couldn’t let him do that.

 

“Jjong,” He called. “You don’t want that. And I don’t want that for you.” He said, giving him another chaste kiss.

“I want you to go. And I want you to have a good time.” He said. 

It was silent for a bit, but in those moments he watched as Jonghyun’s eyes started to become teary-eyed.

“W-will you see me when I come back?”

“Of course. This isn’t ‘goodbye’. This is ‘see you later’.” Kibum said, caressing his face gently.

They sat in silence for a bit letting the noises from outside fill the void. He thought they would fall asleep soon with how quiet and calmly the two were breathing. But a hoarse and shaky voice interrupted the silence.

“Will you still love me?” 

The question came as a bit of a surprise for Kibum.

So Jonghyun was doubting their relationship too?

“I don’t think I could ever stop,” Kibum whispered. Even if everything between them ended and they never saw each other again, Jonghyun had such a significant impact in his life, he didn’t think the love he had for him would ever disappear.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Jjong. But I’m so proud of you. I hope it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Jonghyun’s breath hitched as he felt the threat of tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. He didn’t want to leave Kibum behind. He wished he could take him with him. But this was something he needed to do alone. Something he needed to do for himself.

He tried his best to hold in his tears. Crying wasn’t a recurring event for him and when he did cry he hated the feeling. Eyes burning and throat stinging from trying to stop yourself from releasing a sob. He didn’t like the feeling of losing control over his emotions. But when tears came down and an inevitable cry came from his lips, Kibum immediately brought him tighter into his embrace. Jonghyun started shaking in his arms as he was still trying to stifle himself.

“Jjong, it’s okay. You can cry.” Kibum said, feeling himself about to do the same.

With those words Jonghyun let himself go. He cried and cried. He hadn’t cried in a long time. He hadn’t had such a heavy feeling in his heart for a long time. He was going to be away from what he loved the most, what kept him sane. 

“I-I want to be with y-you,” Jonghyun said. 

“I know,” Kibum said as he wiped fresh tears from his cheeks, ignoring his own.

“I love you s-so much. I don’t want to be away from you.” Jonghyun was breaking down and broke Kibum’s heart. He never wanted to see him like this again. Filled with so much pain.

Kibum had their forwards pressed together as his hand rested on Jonghyun’s nape. He played with the strands of hair on the back of his head, as his other hand continued to wipe away his tears hoping his actions would calm him down.

Kibum had been so helpful and there for him every step of the way. He suddenly couldn’t imagine leaving him. They didn’t spend a minute apart the last few weeks until now. So being ripped apart was going to hurt badly.

Jonghyun’s breathing started to calm down a bit, but his eyes were still full of tears and his nose was a bright red color as he sniffed every few beats. 

“I told you this isn’t goodbye. When you come back, we’ll be together. Really together.” Kibum said.

Jonghyun looked at him with big eyes.

“You mean that? You’ll be mine?” 

“Yes, really. I think after some time away we can really make this work. ” Kibum said, leaning forward to kiss him.

 

                                      ——

 

With many tears shed and kisses shared between them, Jonghyun was sent off. 

 

And Taemin was with Kibum the second he returned him with a box of tissues, his favorite wine, and a bag of overnight clothes because he knew he would need more than one night to console his friend. 

 

Jonghyun, on the other hand, had to deal with his thoughts and emotions alone on his twelve hour flight to a place he was starting to realize he truly didn’t know much about. He was so scared. But excited. And the butterflies that were in his stomach only helped contribute to the slight motion sickness he had from being on a plane for the first time. His mind would constantly shift back to Kibum while wondering if he made a terrible decision after remembering his distraught demeanour after leaving to board the plane. 

But Kibum said he wanted this for him. He wanted it for himself. 

 

So everything would be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

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