“Mommy, where are you going?” Jonghyun asked. His mother was standing in front of their front door, her hand on the knob and a suitcase in the other.

“Out for a bit, Jonghyun. I’ll be back.”

“You said you would play with me today.”

“I will tomorrow, sweetheart.”

“You said that yesterday…” Jonghyun pouted, hoping his mother would remember her words. But he was met with silence.

“Promise?” He asked. He had to make sure his mother would play with him; promises were serious to a seven year old!

“I will tomorrow.” She said after a few moments.

“I wish you would spend more time with me.” He said. His mother’s back was facing him during this whole ordeal, and she hadn’t bothered to look at him once. His response was met with more silence. He had hoped she would drop her things, turn around, and decide to play with him instead of going wherever she was going. He stared at her back, wondering why she wasn’t moving, but stood stiffly.

“Goodnight, Jonghyun. I love you.” She said softly before slipping out the door.

He decided he would stay up all night to wait for her return. After an hour, he snuck outside to sit on the curb to watch her come back in.

One night turned into two. Then three. Then a week. Weeks turned into months. And months turned into a year. He stopped counting by then.

He did this almost every night now. He waited for her to come back from wherever she left to.

He waited and waited. And he waited some more. Outside, every night. 

But she never came back.

 

Jonghyun jolted awake out of his sleep. His eyes were blinking rapidly as he tried to process his dream. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, shifting his sweaty bangs in the process. He instantly felt guilty about his action when he felt the man in his arms start to stir. 

“You okay?” He heard Kibum’s hoarse, sleepy voice call.

Jonghyun had a thin layer of sweat coating his skin and his hair stuck to the back of his neck. He took a deep breath before speaking.

“I’m fine.” He tried to say calmly, to not startle him.

“Do you need something…?” Kibum said clearly half asleep, dozing off at the end of his sentence.

Jonghyun just tucked himself back under Kibum, the usual way he slept with him. He kissed the back of his neck and tried to even his breathing again. 

 

He and Kibum were alright. They confessed their love to each other and decided to try to work something out between the two that was best for them. A relationship just didn’t seem feasible or ethical now.

They decided to take it slow. Try to ease their way into a relationship. 

But they couldn’t keep their hands off each other long enough for anything to be considered ‘slow’. 

They had become too attached at this point, and Jonghyun wasn’t sure if they would ever get it right. But they were both too stubborn to let each other go.

Their friends knew now, so that felt a bit of relief wash over them when they realized they could act ‘normally’ around them now. No one commented on it. They all knew, and it went without saying.

The summer was coming to an end soon, which meant Jonghyun had to go back to school and Kibum was going to look for a serious job to start his career. This meant they wouldn’t have as much free time as they had before. 

Jonghyun held onto Kibum tighter at the thought of this. It was time to focus on things outside of their little world.

 

                                                                        ***

 

“For someone who's not good at romance, you sure are good at romance.” Kibum teased.

Kibum had come home from a particularly grueling day of  interviews. He had been searching for a job and had been politely rejected a few times. He was losing a bit of hope, but with a certain someone whispering in his ear not to give up, he found the strength to keep going.

“You think so?” Jonghyun asked, genuinely surprised.

He had invited Kibum over to his home to cook him a meal knowing that he would probably be tired afterwards. He even bombarded him with flowers and a handwritten note.

“I’d say this is pretty romantic. I mean you did all this for me even after you had a full day of classes.” Kibum said, smiling as he read Jonghyun’s note. 

Jonghyun shrugged after joining Kibum at his small excuse of a kitchen table after plating their food.

“I guess so. I’ve never been good at it, I wasn’t all that creative when it came to those kinds of things. Maybe it just comes naturally when I’m with you.” Jonghyun noted. He never had to be romantic with short-lasting relationships and flings.

“Oh? So I get special treatment?” Kibum teased.

“Haven’t you always?” Jonghyun said.

“You’ve never done this for any of your partners before?” Kibum asked with an evil grin.

“Don’t start.” Jonghyun said, immediately shutting down any topic of discussion regarding his past relationships. He didn’t feel like dealing with another bout of jealousy. 

Kibum rolled his eyes playfully before trying a bite of his food.

“Everything is great. You made my favorites. Thank you so much, Jjong.” Kibum said.

“I’m glad you like it, Bummie.”

Kibum blushed at the newly found nickname. Kibum had always called him ‘Jjong’ for as long as he could remember, but Jonghyun never gave him a nickname. Aside from ‘Kim’, but it wasn’t really all that endearing now was it?

Jonghyun had started calling him new pet names, none too original, but it didn’t make his heart skip a beat any less. (Because it sounded a lot better coming from his lips.) 

“How did job hunting go today?”

“Okay, I guess…I’m hoping to hear back from this one company. They seemed to really like me. But I’m not sure…” Kibum said, now absentmindedly playing with his food with his chopsticks.

“They all want someone who is experienced.” He finished. “I feel like my interview skills aren’t the worst…but no one likes me.” He continued.

“I know someone will want to use your skills.” Jonghyun said.

“It’s easy for you to say.” Kibum said, moping. He was so caught up in his feelings he wasn't fully aware of how his sudden sour attitude was casting a gloomy cloud over the atmosphere.

But Jonghyun wouldn’t scold him, silence him or make him feel worse than he already did. Instead, he would  reach across the table and gingerly hold his hand. He didn’t say anything because he knew Kibum needed to see results rather than just hear pretty words at the moment. 

Kibum looked at Jonghyun shyly, grateful for some kind of support, even if he didn’t believe in himself.

“Sorry.” Kibum whispered.

“You don’t need to be.” Jonghyun said, with his thumb gliding across Kibum’s palm.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Kibum asked.

“Of course. I have an 8 am class, so I’ll try not to wake you in the morning.” Jonghyun said.

“It’s okay. I should probably get up and go see my mother. She’s doing a lot better this month, so I should go check in on her.”

“If you wait a little bit, I can go with you after my second class.” Jonghyun suggested.

Kibum smiled widely and leaned forward to kiss his lips. 

“It’s a date.” He said against his lips. 

“I’ll do the dishes then.” Kibum said getting up to clear off the table. 

It was already getting late and Kibum thought it would be best to go to bed soon. But Jonghyun had other plans. He wanted to sit in each other's arms a bit longer before going off to dreamland. So he set up a movie and coaxed Kibum into his arms so they could cuddle on the couch for an hour or so. And the two were more than ecstatic to do something they had done countless times.

 

Was this what it felt like to be in love? For the simplest touch to light your body on fire. Get lost within each other's worlds for hours. Is this what he had been missing all along?

 

He often replayed the moment when they said they loved each other in his head a month ago. It still felt surreal, and they didn’t throw around those words lightly. The two had taken a much softer approach towards each other and seemed to have a better understanding of each other’s actions so they didn’t bicker as much anymore. 

They’ve been together for a few months now and Jonghyun was still itching to make them official, make everything real. Kibum had the same desires but had often talked about why it just couldn’t happen right now. A small part of Jonghyun felt like he was being strung along, but ultimately he knew Kibum’s heart, and they knew what would be best.

They needed to take it slow, but it was hard when all they wanted to do was put their hands on each other, every waking moment.

Jonghyun didn’t imagine they would become this stable. He pictured what it would be like with Kibum in the long run. And he liked the idea. A lot.

But how long would it last?

 

                                                                          ***

              

“Would you consider being the subject in my new project?” Jonghyun asked.

Kibum looked away from his laptop as he was sifting through his emails. He had been constantly refreshing his email and websites for more job opportunities. Jonghyun sat lazily next to him on his couch after thinking thoroughly about his next assignment.

“What? Me?” Kibum asked, unsure if he heard him correctly.

“You.” 

“Why?”

“Because, my teacher wants me to go outside my comfort zone and photograph people as my subject this time.” Jonghyun usually liked to photograph nature, or inanimate objects. And what would motivate him more than to use his own muse?

“But you always take pictures of me.” Kibum pointed out.

“Those are private,” Jonghyun said, putting a hand on his lover’s thigh. “For my eyes only.”

Kibum rolled his eyes.

“But I want to use you. For a project this time.”

Kibum said back and crossed his arms. He tapped his chin with a freehand and looked up thoughtfully. It couldn’t hurt now could it? Plus, he wanted to help him with school as much as possible.

“Sure, why not? As long as they aren’t nudes.” He joked.

“Again, that’s for my eyes only.” Jonghyun said, leaning in to kiss his cheek. He stood up to stretch before announcing his departure. 

“I’ll be back. My school advisor wants to have a meeting with me.” He said while grabbing his keys.

“About what?”

“I’m not sure.” He shrugged.

“Are you in trouble?” Kibum said, his mind automatically thinking of the worst.

“I don’t think so. I’m passing all my classes.” 

“Hmm…okay. Well, I hope it’s not anything serious…”

“Hopefully.”

“I should hear about this possible job offer by the time you get back. Wish me luck.” Kibum said, putting his eyes back on his screen. 

They bid each other goodbye, knowing they would end up back in each other's arms in an hour's time. 

He wasn’t particularly worried about the meeting, but rather curious. He hadn’t been on any kind of academic probation or had any grades below a B. Grazing a C, sure, but he was able to keep it up high enough that it always remained a B at the very least. So what could his counselor possibly want? He didn’t like worrying himself and decided to just keep himself level headed as usual.

Visiting campus on the weekend wasn’t his favorite thing to do, but it had to be done. So once he parked his car, he entered the building to his final destination. It didn’t take long for him to be called back to go straight towards his advisor’s office.

“Mr. Kim!” His councilor beamed.

“Mr. Kwon.” He greeted blandly as he took a seat.

“How have you been, Jonghyun? I’ve heard amazing things from your instructors.” Mr. Kwon said.

“I can’t complain.” He said.

“I know you're wondering why I asked you here! I have great news!” Jonghyun raised an eyebrow.

“Mr. Kim, we have been eyeing your portfolio for a while. You are very gifted. And your professors rave about you often and we think you are a great candidate for this scholarship.

“A scholarship?” He said, sounding more intrigued.

“That’s right. Not only that, to expand your horizons and to give you a better opportunity, the scholarship is to study at a prestigious art school specializing in photography in Italy for a semester.”

Jonghyun’s mouth dropped open.

“Wait, what? Italy?”

His councilor slid a brochure of the school across the desk for Jonghyun to see. He hesitantly picked up the brochure to look through it meekly.

“As you know, Italy is known for its art! It has some of the best art schools to offer, and your talents could surely be used there.”

“Italy?” He repeated to himself.

“What do you think? It’s a great opportunity, isn’t it? You will need to submit your final portfolio soon.”

“A whole semester? Six months?” He asked.

“That’s right.”

He was baffled. A scholarship. An art school in Italy. Photography in Italy for six months!

Six months. 

Six months wasn’t long. But it is long when you have to leave someone you love behind. Mr. Kwon went on a rant about how prestigious the school was and possible steps he would need to take to get there. 

Jonghyun sat back in his chair, staring at the brochure that was tucked between his fingers. 

“I’ll have to think about it.” Jonghyun said, interrupting his advisor.

“-Eh? Excuse me?” Mr. Kwon said, looking confused.

Most students would jump at an opportunity to study abroad with everything fully paid for. It was a great opportunity. 

He saw the way his advisor eyed him before speaking. 

“Any particular reason as to why you're hesitant?” Mr. Kwon asked. 

“Yes.” He answered honestly. He didn’t see the point in lying.

“Well, alright…as your advisor I can only guide you in the right direction. But if you need some time to think, go ahead. It would be best if you gave me your response by the end of the month or beginning of next month. Okay? We would need to submit your final art portfolio and start processing the paperwork and getting a visa and all sorts of things related to that before the semester starts.”

“Yes, sir...” He said distractedly. 

 

He wasn’t sure how or when he got home as his mind was in a haze the whole time. He was completely torn. It was an opportunity that he wasn’t so sure he would be able to have again. If ever. But he absolutely did not want to leave Kibum behind. Not when their bond was growing stronger. 

So he tried to snap back to reality when he felt a pair of arms circle around his neck and cheering roaring through his apartment the moments he stepped through. 

“Jjong! I got it! I did it!” Kibum yelled.

He tried to hold Kibum still as he jumped about. 

“What are you talking about, Bum?” He asked.

“I got the job! They emailed me and said they want me to start next week! I’m going to be starting as an assistant editor and researcher at a magazine company in Seoul!” Kibum said.

Jonghyun was flustered by the whiplash of emotions he was feeling right now. But he tried his best to come back down to earth.

“Kibum, that's great!” He said, engulfing him in a  hug. 

The smile on Kibum’s face is what he always strived to see. He was happy seeing Kibum finally picking up the pieces of his life that were shattered only a few months ago. He wanted to see Kibum happy again. He garnered a warm feeling in his chest that started to spread through his body (a feeling he often felt lately whenever he was with Kibum).

They kissed for a moment, stopping before things got too serious.

“Wait, wait! How was your meeting? Is everything okay?” Kibum asked with big curious eyes. What should he tell him? The longer he took to respond, the more he saw Kibum’s smile falter. 

Should he tell him? Right now? It would ruin the whole atmosphere. He didn’t want to make him sad after he received such big news.

He couldn’t tell him. No, not right now.

 

“Oh, it was fine. Just some issues with financial aid. Things like that. It’s all fixed.” He lied. He didn’t like lying. He hated it. It wasn’t his character. But right now just wasn’t the time.

“Great! Now I think we shouldn’t celebrate!” Kibum grinned.

“Of course. How do you want to do it?”

“First stop, the bedroom,” Kibum said with dark eyes.

“We’ll figure out the rest later.”

 

Well Jonghyun didn’t need much convincing, now did he?

 

                                                                         ***

 

Kibum felt like everything was falling into place. His heart break had gone, his mother was getting better, he got a new job and he had Jonghyun. He felt like his life was going on the right track.

Well almost everything was perfect.

He started his new job the following week. He was a nervous wreck and tried his best to take in all the new information and not to make a tremendous amount of mistakes. Overall his first week went well and he hoped and prayed his next few weeks would come a little easier to him.

But the thing that was bugging him the most was Jonghyun. They had just gotten to a good place in their relationship and now he was acting strange. 

He seemed distant, almost distracted. He thought maybe starting his new job took more time away from each other, but Jonghyun assured him that that wasn’t the case and he was fine. It didn’t help that he picked up a strange habit. Jonghyun had started acting suspicious in regards to his laptop. He was always looking at it and hiding it away from him. It was unusual behavior and Kibum was tired of it. 

He simply couldn’t handle the silent treatment or  his absent mind. He needed a serious talk with him.

 

                                      ___

 

“Jjong.” Kibum called. He entered his living area to see Jonghyun sitting on the couch with his laptop.

He watched as Jonghyun looked at the screen intensely. He was typing but slowly Kibum started to hear his fingers slow down and the clicking sounds from his keyboard stopped. Instead he was staring mindlessly at his laptop.

“Hey, Jonghyun.” Kibum called again. Said man didn't even flinch.

“Jonghyun?” He called again, starting to grow impatient. He saw his eyes moving across the screen back and forth slowly. What was he looking at? Was he ignoring him?

“Ya, Kim Jonghyun. Do you hear me?” He called angrily with some base in his voice to catch his attention.

“S-sorry. I was thinking.”

“What are you looking at? You’ve been glued to your laptop for like the past week.” Kibum commented.

“Nothing.” Jonghyun shrugged.

“Nothing?” Kibum repeated.

“Yea.”

“Really…”

“Yea…?”

“Don’t do this, Jjong.”

“What?”

“This. Just talk to me, let me know what’s wrong. You’ve been acting so weird lately. And…it worries me. I want to know we’re good. It seemed like everything was going well. I have my peace of mind back, and I have you. But now I don’t know about that last part…” Kibum sighed, rolling his eyes.

A whirlwind of thoughts were shuffling around in Jonghyun’s head now. 

“You haven't really been here.” Kibum said, tapping Jonghyun’s forehead. “What’s wrong? Did I…do something?” Kibum asked, losing the authority he had in his voice as he sat down next to him.

“Bum, no. You didn’t do anything.” Jonghyun said quickly, shutting his laptop and putting it to the side in favor of holding his hand.

Jonghyun’s intent wasn’t to worry him at all. He was starting to feel bad but he just felt so conflicted with his thoughts these days as he still hadn’t told Kibum the truth. The real reason as to why he hadn’t be mentally present.

Kibum frowned and looked down towards the ground before speaking his next words. 

“…is it someone else?” 

Jonghyun scoffed. “Huh? What the hell are you talking about?”

“You're always looking at something on your laptop.”

“I have homework, Kibum.” He said seriously, not liking where this conversation was going.

“But you never tell me what it is! Or you close it the minute I come around! You’ve been so secretive. What else am I supposed to think?” Kibum said trying his best to keep himself together.

“I’m not seeing anyone but you. And I don’t want to deal with your jealousy right now, Kibum. I really don’t.” Jonghyun said, already drained from this conversation.

“Then talk to me.” Kibum said, almost desperately. 

A heavy silence lingered over the two, both refusing to break eye contact. Jonghyun was battling with himself whether to tell him or not. He hadn’t made his decision yet. So if he decided not to go, what would be the point in telling him? But he wasn’t so sure what he wanted still. And he only had a few weeks left to give his answer. 

He also didn’t like making Kibum feel stressed when he didn’t need to be. 

 

Kibum stood up abruptly, ready to leave him alone when he got no response. 

And Jonghyun decided he could no longer stand the hurt look in his eyes and the pain in his voice. 

“Bummie.” He called softly. Knowing the pet name had a soft spot in Kibum’s heart.

Kibum stopped in his tracks to give him an unbothered expression. “…what?” He answered.

“I lied.” Jonghyun said directly. Kibum’s puzzled and frightened look told him he needed to immediately explain.

“About my meeting with my advisor. We didn’t talk about financial aid. We talked about something else.” Jonghyun said. 

Kibum had a concerned look on his face. Unsure if he should be angry that he lied or worried that it may be something school related still.

Jonghyun got up to pull him back down on the couch with him so that they could talk properly.

“What did you talk about…?” Kibum asked hesitantly.

Jonghyun wanted time to think about his next words carefully but he didn’t have all the time in the world like he wanted. Kibum needed an answer, he deserved an answer. 

“I got offered a scholarship.” 

“A scholarship? Jjong, that’s great news! Why the hell have you been acting so strange about that?!” Kibum said with a mix of excitement and annoyance. 

“Yea, so about that…”

Jonghyun reached over to grab his laptop. He saw the way Kibum’s eyes bore holes into his figure as he watched him login into his account. Jonghyun’s hands shook a bit when he turned the screen over for Kibum to see. He gestured for him to read what was on the screen.

Kibum nodded reluctantly and began reading the website. 

“…The Rome Institute of Art and Photography…” Kibum mumbled as he read aloud. Kibum took it upon himself to scroll down the page and read more.

They sat in silence for a few minutes but it felt awfully long for Jonghyun. He studied his face and watched as his soft features hardened. His eyebrows furrowed. His lips started forming into a slight frown and his eyes started moving more rapidly across the page. He saw the possible realization dawn on him. 

“Seems like a nice school.” Kibum said, cutting into the silence abruptly.

He leaned back from his hunched over position in front of the screen. Jonghyun didn’t respond, a bit afraid and unsure what to say.

Kibum cut his eyes at him, and cleared his throat demanding his attention.

 

“So, what does this have to do with your scholarship?” 

 

Jonghyun couldn’t really pinpoint the emotion he heard in his voice. And quite frankly, he didn’t want  to.

“The scholarship is for this school.” He stated.

“But Jjong, this is in Italy.” Kibum said with a small grin that fell as quickly as it came.

“I know.”

Kibum wore his emotions on his face, and he instantly saw the horror.

“It’s a study abroad program.” Jonghyun added.

“A-abroad? For how long?”

“It’s for six months.”

Kibum’s mouth dropped open and the threat of tears was coming.

“Oh.” Kibum said. He looked back at the screen understanding that Jonghyun had been researching for the past few weeks and hid it from him. But anger wasn’t what he was feeling, it was an overwhelming amount of sadness. And fear.

“Are you going?” The question made Jonghyun feel uncomfortable. It was such a simple question that could possibly require a simple response. But these two were in a sticky situation.

“I’m just thinking about it. I haven’t confirmed anything yet.” Jonghyun said quickly, sensing Kibum’s dismay.

“You’re thinking about it?” Kibum asked, disappointment clearly evident in his voice at this point.

He grabbed Kibum’s hand to interlace it with his.

“Just a possibility. That’s all.” He said, trying to reassure Kibum.

“I wanted to talk to you and my dad about it. Your opinion means a lot to me.” Jonghyun said truthfully.

His opinion meant the world to him. That’s why for now he wouldn’t directly ask him if he wanted him to stay or go. Because he knew exactly what the answer would be. And truthfully, he didn’t want to hear the answer right now.

Jonghyun pulled him in for a kiss. Kibum was visibly hesitant, so he opted to leave a kiss on his cheek instead.

He knew he wouldn’t receive the best reaction, but Kibum’s silence and refusal to look at him hurt a lot more than he thought it would.

“Well, you know I love you Jjong. I’ll support anything that you do…”

 

Jonghyun wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince him or himself.

 

                                    ***

 

They spent the next weeks in a weird state. Jonghyun felt strange because he felt like he couldn’t talk about this new opportunity with Kibum. It was clear it wasn’t a topic of discussion that the two favored. And Kibum’s kisses and affection felt a lot more desperate, especially when they made love. 

He was clingy but could also see that he was pushing him away simultaneously because he was still upset.

Jonghyun didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. He wanted to think about the school and his opportunity properly, but he saw Kibum everyday and the moment he saw his face his determination would dissolve.

He didn’t want to leave him behind.

He was deeply in love with him, how could he be away from him that long? Sure time, school, work, distance and old relationships had gotten in the way before. But never has being in a different country been an issue. Jonghyun wasn’t too sure if he wanted to put that strain on their relationship, not when he was starting to see a possible future between them. 

But he had also never been outside of Korea before. It would be his first time truly being on his own. His father wouldn’t be there to tell him what to do, he wouldn’t have his old friends to lean on, and he wouldn’t have Kibum there to comfort and support him. He would have to learn and survive on his own. And all of that excited him. His art could take a different turn or develop further from being in a new environment. His graduation would be pushed back a semester, but it really wasn’t his biggest concern. There could be endless opportunities that he didn’t even know existed. 

 

He was torn.

 

He also felt a little unsupported. He couldn’t go to Kibum and show him the beautiful pictures of the campus or talk about how he wanted to plan a visit to the Vatican Museums or the Sistine Chapel. How he was excited at the possibility of tasting real Italian food. And a part of him feared that he would resent Kibum if he didn’t go. That he would always have that negative feeling in the back of his mind if he didn’t take that chance. 

But what if so much time apart ruined any chance of being together? And at this point he knew he wanted to be with Kibum (possibly forever). He wasn’t too sure if he would ever find someone like him that understood him in more ways than one. And hated to admit he tended to feel a bit anxious when he was away from Kibum for too long, which he knew wasn’t a healthy attachment. What if Kibum decided to leave him too?

 

                                           ***

 

Jonghyun was at home alone in his apartment waiting for Kibum to get off work later. He started looking through his camera film of the pictures that he took of Kibum the past couple of days to decide which ones he would edit or get rid of. He sighed heavily the more he looked through them. 

Kibum had still offered to be his model for his upcoming project. But he couldn’t help but notice how sad Kibum looked in some photos of them. 

He wasn’t in the best of moods after feeling so lonely for most of the day as Kibum’s job had him working long hours and he had been staying overtime to get the hang of his new tasks. Now seeing these pictures didn’t make him feel much better. He knew his mood would sour even more after what he had to do this evening. 

Jonghyun was going to ask for his father’s opinion about the school. 

Though the two weren’t close and hardly knew anything about each other, he still craved his approval. He was his father after all. Although, he had a feeling that his father would be completely against it; he still wanted to hear what he had to say. 

As the early evening drew closer Jonghyun decided he needed to make that long drive home to speak to his father before Kibum got home.

He was nervous. He wasn’t sure why. He kind of knew what to expect, but still. The long drive helped calm his nerves down a bit. But only a little. 

When he arrived he drove around aimlessly for a parking spot until he found one nearly a ten minute walk away. This only irritated him.

He knocked on the door of his childhood home and greeted his father as he opened the door to welcome him.

 

“Just in time. I finished making lunch. Have a seat.” His father said. 

Jonghyun silently obliged. They didn’t hug or spend a large amount of time spewing out words of love when they saw each other. He usually got a pat on the back and a ‘welcome back’. 

One would think that being it was just the two of them, they would be a lot closer. A strong father and son bond. But it was the complete opposite. He was always physically taken care of. Had all the food and clothes he needed, and when he did well in school he would receive all the video games he wanted. But he just didn’t receive any kind of emotional support. His father never wanted him to be far away from him or even leave their home, hence his homeschooling. He remembered the days his father begged him to do online college courses. But yet he put no effort into making a strong bond between the two. (He had grown to finally realize that this is where he learned not to grow too close to people so that if they left, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. And attachment issues of course).

He sat down at their kitchen table and watched as his father prepared a bowl of food for him. His father grunted as he sat down across from him, not eating but opting to read a book. He wore his glasses on the tip of his nose as he read his book in silence and Jonghyun sat across from him eating. Having meals together silently, with only a little bit of small talk here and there, was normal for Jonghyun. (He figured this is where his lack of social skills steamed from too). But today he was going to change things up. 

 

“How’s…life?” Jonghyun asked hesitantly. Testing the waters and warming up his father for a conversation. 

“Alright. How’s school?” 

His father answered, not bothering to look up from his book.

“Good.”

“How’s Kibum? Still friends?”

Jonghyun was a little surprised at that question. Kibum was the only friend his dad ever met and the only one he knew by name.

“He’s doing great actually. He graduated before the summer and got a new job recently. In journalism. He works a lot but we meet everyday actually.” Jonghyun said, rambling a bit as he swirled his spoon around the contents in his soup.

His father looked up at him with a raised eyebrow, a little startled by his son's sudden talkativeness.

“That’s nice.” He said, lowering his eyes back down to his book.

It went silent again. It was about to turn him mad. After being around a talkative Kibum for so long, he wasn’t sure how he used to live like this.

“Hey, dad.” He spoke up.

“Yes son?” He responded, still not looking up from his book.

“How would you feel if I moved away for a bit? For school?”

Maybe that wasn’t the best way to start the conversation. But it would get his father talking. 

In fact, his father instantly cut his eyes from his book to give Jonghyun a bewildered look. 

“What are you talking about, Jonghyun?” His father asked in a suspicious tone.

He shut his book and slid it on the surface table. He sat back with his arms crossed. 

“Where do you plan on going?” He pressed.

“I got offered a scholarship. From a school in Italy.”

“Italy? Italy? Jonghyun, you’re not going all the way to Italy.” He chuckled.

Jonghyun frowned.

“It’s not really your choice.” He said seriously.

The amused grin his father had dropped and an immediate silence fell over then again, except it was uncomfortable and tense. 

Jonghyun wasn’t scared of his father, but he still didn’t like the feeling of being judged or scolded by him.

“I’m just telling you because I want your opinion…” He said.

“Just how are you going to survive in Italy, Jonghyun? You’ve never left this country.” He pointed out. 

But this wasn’t something Jonghyun obviously didn’t think about. So he sat unphased.

“How are you going to get around? You don’t even speak English and you most certainly don’t speak Italian.” He added.

Oh, well he didn’t think much about that part.

“How are you going to communicate with people? What if you get lost? It could be dangerous there. You’ll be all alone. You won’t have any friends there with you.” 

He figured he could try to make friends. But how would he make any if he couldn’t speak with them anyhow? He wasn’t sure if there would be any other Koreans there either. And it sounded a lot more daunting than he thought. 

He sat back thinking more about his fathers words.

“What’s so great about their art program that you can’t do here?” 

Jonghyun wasn’t sure. But if he was able to take the opportunity then he would be able to know.

“Well…it’s all fully paid. You wouldn’t have to worry about money.” Jonghyun said. 

“Money isn’t the issue.”

He watched his father as he shook his head with a deep frown on his face.

“You’ve always been curious like your mother.” 

Jonghyun’s eyes grew wide at that comment. He couldn’t remember the last time his father spoke about his mother.

“Too curious for my liking,” He continued. “So much so that she left. Are you going to do the same to me?” 

He could hear the pain in his fathers voice, so much pain that he swore that he sounded like he would cry.

“I’m not like her. I’ll come back.”

“I thought your mother would too.”

His father was using a nasty tactic. Manipulation. Although he knew his father suffered an enormous heartbreak from what happened it wasn’t fair for him to project his fears onto  him. 

But what if he did end up wanting to stay there for longer? Or even wanting to travel further and further away…

 

What if he ended up leaving Kibum for good? No, he couldn’t leave him…

 

This conversation was starting to become too much for Jonghyun to handle. He had some emotions building up that he didn’t want to show. 

 

“Alright.” Was the only answer Jonghyun could muster up before he excused himself and announced his departure. 

“I love you son, I just want what’s best for you.” Were the last words he heard from his father before he left.

 

Kibum was completely drained. His first few weeks at his new job had him running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He was guided by some peers and received training, but it almost felt like it wasn’t enough. It was his first real adult job and he felt a bit overwhelmed. He was starting to get the hang of it but he still felt stressed.

And to top things off the person he fell in love with was possibly planning to leave him. The thought only made him want to tear up. There was just no way Jonghyun would leave him right? Six months wasn’t a long time, but it was when you're in love with someone. He wouldn’t be a ten minute drive away anymore. Not even an hour plane ride. 

When the news was first broken to him he cried himself to sleep once he was sure Jonghyun was deep asleep himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility. The stress from work and now the fear of the future of his relationship was taking a toll on him fast. He hated to admit he took some of his anger out on Jonghyun and had been a bit sour towards him at times while also being clingy. He was pushing  and pulling at him, and he knew he wasn’t being fair. But he couldn’t tell him not to go. He would be a horrible person if he told him that directly. But in all honesty, he didn’t want him to leave at all. He didn’t give him his outright support like he knew he needed. He felt guilty about it, he really did. 

But all the worst possible scenarios came to mind regarding their relationship.

What if Jonghyun fell out of love with him? What if he met someone else and wanted to move on? What if decided he didn’t want to live in Korea anymore? He was so sure that this opportunity would ruin everything between them. But that’s not what he should have been thinking about, he should be thinking about what’s best for Jonghyun. 

 

He was on his way home and decided to head for Jonghyun’s place for the night. He wanted to be in his arms right now more than anything, because his long work hours made him miss him even more than usual. He didn’t bother to alert Jonghyun that he was coming over, it was almost routine at this point. If he wasn’t at Jonghyun’s home, they would be at his and vice versa.

Once he arrived he was a little put off by Jonghyun’s gloomy atmosphere and stoic appearance. His greeting wasn’t all that cheerful which led him to believe that maybe Jonghyun didn’t have the best day. “Jjong?” He called softly as he followed behind him to his bedroom. 

“I’ll order something to eat. I’m not really in the mood to cook.” Jonghyun said, sitting on his bed as he scrolled through his phone for options.

“That’s fine.” He replied.

“How was work today?” Jonghyun asked looking up from his phone to give him a small smile.

 

Awful.

 

That’s what Kibum wanted to say. He wanted to rant and ramble about his day but Jonghyun certainly didn’t seem in the mood to hear any such things. 

“It was great. Things are getting a lot easier.” He said. It wasn’t a complete lie.

“I’m glad.” Jonghyun said, focusing back on his phone.

Kibum got up to strip from his work clothes and change into more comfy clothes. During that time he thought maybe Jonghyun would strike up a conversation or try to grab at him or touch him in any way possible. But instead he sat quietly, only giving one word responses when he asked him a question. 

The silence treatment was going to drive him mad.

“What’s wrong?” Kibum said, exasperated as he sat back down on the bed next to him. He cutely tried to tug at the hem of his shirt to get him to soften up, but it didn’t have much of an effect on him.

“Nothing.” He said.

Kibum sighed and closed his eyes. He counted to five before he spoke again.

“Well Jjong, I get the feeling that you're upset about something.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Seriously if something is upsetting you, we can talk about it.” He tried again. 

“I told you I’m fine.” Jonghyun said firmly, throwing an irritated glance at him.

“You know how I feel when you get like this-“

“Well what about how I feel? I said I’m fine. Why can’t you just drop it? I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?” He said, abruptly cutting him off. Jonghyun threw his phone to the side and rubbed at his temples on the side of his head.

Kibum sat back a bit wide eyed with his mouth hanging open, not expecting that reaction. 

He wanted to get angry at his reaction. He was ready to raise his voice right back at him. But the better part of him was telling him that Jonghyun needed comfort more than words thrown at him like daggers. For Jonghyun to be this angry meant something really upset him. And with everything going on these days he didn’t want to contribute to those feelings of frustration. 

He instead came closer to him and threw his arms around him. Jonghyun was surprised at his actions but welcomed him anyway. 

“I don’t want to fight tonight. I’m sorry.” Kibum whispered. 

“I’m sorry too.” Jonghyun said back almost a second later.

They sat in each other's arms for a few moments. The two decided to skip dinner that night in favor of ice cream before they called it a night and went to bed. Kibum wasn’t too sure what Jonghyun was upset about (though he may have had a small inkling) but he knew being in each others arms was helping him to relax and open back up.

 

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong later.” Jonghyun muttered to him before they fell asleep.

“Promise?” Kibum asked.

“I Promise.”

 

Kibum wasn’t too worried because their promises were always taken seriously.

 

  

                                     ***

 

“Hey, Kibum. Can we meet up today?” 

Kibum pulled his phone away from his ear to check the time on his phone. 

“Sure, Jinki Hyung. How about 4?” 

“Sounds good.” His voice rang.

“Should I bring Jonghyun?” He thought out loud, thinking about when he got out of class.

“Umm…how about just me and you? I need to talk to you about something kind of important.”

Well now Kibum felt anxious.

“Uh yea? Okay, then I’ll get ready as soon as possible then.” 

They hung up and Kibum was sure what Jinki said was going to send him into a spiral if he didn’t figure out what he had done to make Jinki act this serious almost immediately. Jinki was a very chill and laid back guy, he had always been. They never spoke so seriously to each other unless they got into some sort of small tiff, which was rare. He hadn’t seen him (or Taemin or Minho) much these days so he felt excited at the offer to meet…at first. Now he knew it wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine, even though that’s what Jinki usually emitted. 

 

They agreed to meet at an old cafe downtown that they used to frequent in undergrad. These days Jinki was in grad school so it was a lot harder to meet with him. So meeting at an old hangout spot felt a little nostalgic for Kibum. He wished he could enjoy the atmosphere more if it wasn’t for the fact that he was impatiently waiting for Jinki to show up. He had gotten there early, eager to fix whatever he had done wrong to Jinki. So when he saw his Hyung enter and walk towards him, he immediately sprang up. Kibum was a little confused as Jinki greeted him with a hug and a giant smile on his face. He didn’t seem upset as he went on and on about how much he missed him and wanted to catch up. 

So, they caught up for about half an hour talking about life and what their plans were. Jinki’s aura had relaxed him so much that he almost forgot about his anxious feelings from earlier. 

Almost.

 

“So, how are you and Jonghyun?” Jinki asked. Jinki took a sip of the coffee that he had bought him, as Kibum nervously stirred his own.

He knew the topic of their relationship would come up eventually. How could it not? Was this the important topic he wanted to talk about?

“We’re good. We’re better.” He said with a shy smile on his face. He still found it odd to talk to his friends about their relationship, even if they all knew now. 

“Still shy, huh? It’s okay, Jonghyun tells me everything anyway.” Jinki teased. 

Kibum rolled his eyes while he tried to stifle his embarrassment.

“I want to ask you a question.” Jinki said, suddenly sounding serious.

Kibum stiffened.

“Yea?”

“You know about Jonghyun’s scholarship to Italy.”

His question sounded more like a statement. He knew that Kibum knew. 

“Yea…”

“So, you know he rejected it?” Jinki said this time genuinely sounding curious.

“N-no.” Kibum stuttered. When had he decided this?

Jinki nodded but wore a pensive look before he spoke again.

“Look, I know I’m going to be crossing some boundaries here and sticking my nose into something that has nothing to do with me and Jonghyun might kill me but…I don’t think I can keep quiet about this.” He started.

“He told me his father is completely against him moving. And he thinks that you are too. Now, it’s not too far-fetched to believe his father wouldn’t be supportive….but you? You wouldn’t stop him from going, right?” Jinki said, looking at him expectantly.

Kibum didn’t answer for a few moments. He looked down and anxiously fiddled with his coffee.

“This isn’t really any of your business, Hyung.” Kibum tried to say, as politely as possible. 

Jinki just chuckled.

“I know it’s not. But Jonghyun is like a brother to me. And I consider you a very close friend. I want you two to work out, but I think you need to rethink some things. You need an outside perspective.”

“And who decided that?” Kibum snapped.

“I did.” Jinki said sternly. “Jonghyun came to me and told me about how he felt last week. He’s really confused right now. And he feels like he’s alone because he feels unsupported by the two people he cares for the most.” He revealed.

Kibum could barely hold eye contact as the feeling of Shame started to riddle his body. Jonghyun didn’t just talk about his feelings with everyone, if at all. So, when he did, it meant he was truly hurt. Kibum felt guilty.

“You don’t want him to leave?” Jinki asked.

“Of course not, Hyung.” Kibum said, exasperated.

“Kibum.” Jinki sighed. “Did you tell him not to go?”

“No! I never told him not to go, but I-I just don’t want him to go, Hyung. I don’t want him to leave.” Kibum said, his eyes suddenly becoming teary eyed.

“But he needs to go. He needs this. It’s the perfect opportunity for him.”

“But I want him to stay.”

“Kibum.” Jinki said harshly, slowly becoming more upset at his responses.

“But I-“

“Don’t be like his father.”

Kibum looked shocked for a moment. Offended that he would even compare him to his father. 

“Don’t hold him back. If you really love him, you’ll let him do this. He needs this for himself. Let him go. Please.”

“We’ve n-never been apart that long before…” Kibum said sadly.

“You don’t have his best interest at heart right now, Kibum. You’re  being really selfish.”

“S-selfish?” Kibum repeated. 

He never told Jonghyun not to go. Jonghyun made that decision on his own. How was he being selfish?

“But I love him.” Kibum said.

“I know you do.” Jinki said with a sad smile.

“Do you think he won’t love you anymore if he leaves? You’ll think he’ll move on?” Jinki asked with a gentle tone.

“…I don’t know.”

“I don’t think some time apart will keep you guys separated forever. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Don’t force it. You two may need a break from each other anyway. You need some space.”

Kibum couldn’t help but let a small tear escape.

“Some space?” 

“Yes, Seriously. You jumped into it with Jonghyun almost straight after ending an engagement. Don’t you think you need some time to yourself too? You almost forced yourself to marry someone you didn’t love anymore. Don’t you think you need some more time to figure out what you want right now?” Jinki pointed out.

“And Jonghyun needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life as well. You both need to figure yourself out. You clearly loved each other but chose to have some strange situationship rather than being fully committed to each other. Figure yourself out first before dragging Jonghyun into it.”

 

                                        ——

 

Kibum thought long and hard about Jinki’s words for the next couple of days. They weighed heavily on his mind. He replayed their conversation over and over, analyzing the words that were said to him. After some time to think, Kibum decided that he was being selfish. In fact, maybe he had been from the very beginning. The moment he laid his lips on him for the very first time is when he started being extremely selfish. He should have never brought Jonghyun into his world when he wasn’t stable and had no idea what he was doing with his life yet.

And here he was about to keep Jonghyun from figuring out his. 

He didn’t tell Jonghyun not to go, but he knew he was influencing his decision. 

He bursted into tears when he borrowed Jonghyun’s laptop one day. Jonghyun hadn’t been attentive enough and forgot to delete his history. Kibum saw at least five or more tabs that were still open, all containing some sort of information or content about Italy. He had not only been researching more about the school but had been looking up topics of Italian museums, food, places for tourists to visit and more things related to that.

 

Jonghyun really wanted to go. 

 

                                     ***

 

The two were lying in bed after the two had desperately tangled together underneath the sheets. Jonghyun was cuddling him and whispering sweet words to him. Everything felt too perfect after weeks of tense feelings. It felt like a dream. But eventually he had to wake up.

 

“I have to tell you something.” Jonghyun mumbled against his sweaty skin.

“Yea?” Kibum said, trying to hide the fact that his statement made him feel a bit nervous.

“I have some news you might like to hear.”

“What is it?”

“Remember last week when I was upset and I said I would tell you what was wrong?” 

“Yea, I do.” Kibum said.

“Well, I went to talk to my dad that day…about my scholarship. And well, I decided I’m not going to Italy.”

Kibum’s heart started pounding harshly and his breath hitched. Jonghyun had risen up from his position behind him to see the expression on his face.

“…Why?” Kibum asked carefully.

“Well, my father is completely against it, which I expected, to be honest.” He shrugged. “And you don’t want me to go either.”

Kibum stiffened at that comment and bit his lip nervously. 

The conversation he had with Jinki started to replay in his head again. 

It was time for Kibum to make a difficult decision.

He needed to be selfless and throw aside his wants and desires so that Jonghyun could be happy.

He didn’t want to be selfish anymore.

 

“I never said that.” Kibum said.

 

It grew abnormally quiet. 

Jonghyun gave him a strange look. He squinted his eyes and looked Kibum’s face up and down looking for the truth. 

 

“Well, you didn’t really have to say much for me to know what you want.” Jonghyun commented.

“Then…maybe you don’t know me that well then.” Kibum said.

Jonghyun frowned and shook his head.

“What do you mean?” 

“I do want you to go.”

“What?”

“I want you to go; I think you should go.”

Jonghyun had his arms wrapped around his waist but released slowly with every passing word.

“Seriously?” Jonghyun asked, confused.

“I’m serious.” 

It pained him to say it. It truly did. He didn’t want Jonghyun to go anywhere. But he had to let him go.

“But my dad-“

“ what your dad says, Kim Jonghyun. You should go to Italy and take that scholarship.”

“Kibum…”

“What? How long are you going to hold yourself back?”

“What about us?” Jonghyun asked with a sad look in his eyes. 

Kibum felt the pang in his heart. He saw the way that Jonghyun kept reverting the conversation back to their relationship. Had he really been holding him back this much this whole time? 

“I think that’s something you should worry about…later.” He whispered.

“Wait what? Worry about it later? I thought we were going to try to work this out?”

Jonghyun had completely separated himself from Kibum, creating an uncomfortable amount of space.

“You don’t want to be with me…?” Jonghyun asked, doubt in his voice.

“I never said that.” He said sternly before continuing. “But I  know you want to do this. You know you do. This will be a great opportunity for you.”

Kibum saw the cogs turning in Jonghyun’s head. He was ready to make up any excuse for himself not to go. But Kibum wouldn’t let him sabotage himself.

“But…my dad said some things that made sense. I’ve never been on my own before. I’ve never traveled so far alone. I don’t speak the language. I can just apply for some scholarships here in Korea.” 

Kibum didn’t know why he felt an overwhelming amount of sympathy. Jonghyun was being fed such discouraging and negative thoughts that he convinced himself to take that advice. He reached towards him, trying to fill the gap between then, and caressed his face.

“Jjong, you can learn to be by yourself and take care of yourself. You’ve done it the past four years in school, haven't you?”

“Yea...”

“There are plenty of YouTube videos and books that can help you learn the basics of Italian. Why take a scholarship here when you can go somewhere else? You’ve said you’ve never been outside of Korea before. Now is your chance. Take it.”

Jonghyun leaned into his touch before taking his hand into his.

 

“But you're here.” Jonghyun whispered.

 

Kibum gave him a sad smile and caressed his palm gently.

“And I’ll be here when you get back.”

“It’s six months.” Jonghyun reminded him.

“Then I’ll wait for six months.”

“You’ll wait for me?”

“Of course I will.”

“You won’t find someone else?”

“Jjong, I’ve been so focused on you. I haven't even dared to look at anyone else.” 

“But I won’t be here.”

“You don’t trust me?” Kibum said, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s not that…it’s just…you could just change your mind. Maybe you’ll like it here without me.”

“And I could say the exact same thing to you. Who’s to say some handsome Italian guy won't sweep you off your feet?” Kibum joked, but Jonghyun wasn’t in the mood for that. Instead he frowned and looked down at their hands. “Why are you focused on such negative things like that? You should worry about your future, what opportunities this could bring you, and the experience you’ll have.”  

Jonghyun didn’t respond.

“If I weren’t in the way, would you hesitate to go?” Kibum asked. 

“You’re not in the way.” 

“Jonghyun, would you hesitate?” He pressed, wanting an honest answer.

Jonghyun shook his head no. 

“Even now, do you really want to go? And don’t lie to me.” He said. 

The atmosphere between them had grown tense with every moment that passed. 

“Tell me.”

“…yes.” Once those words left his lips Kibum saw the way his eyes started to water and his breathing started to shake. Jonghyun started to suddenly wipe at his eyes. He was going to cry. 

Kibum immediately brought him into his arms, and felt Jonghyun’s body shake as he fought to hold his tears in. 

He whispered into his ear.

 

“Go, Jonghyun.” 

Don’t go.

 

“Are you sure?” Jonghyun asked, his voice strained.

 

“Yes.”

No.

 

“You really want me to go?” He asked again.

 

“Of course.”

No, stay here with me.

 

“Then…” Jonghyun started. He backed up from the hug to look Kibum in the eyes as he spoke next words.

“I’ll do it.” Jonghyun whispered.

Kibum smiled. That was all he could do, because Jonghyun was putting himself first. And frankly, Kibum knew he needed to heal. 

They needed time apart. This would be the best thing for them.

They both leaned in for a desperate kiss. A reassuring kiss. 

They needed to kiss as much as possible, because now they knew their time was limited.

 

“I love you, Kibum.”

“I love you too.”

 

 

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