Highschool graduation came and went. It wasn’t anything too exciting or spectacular. It just consisted of Kibum’s parents forcing him to take perfectly posed pictures with his degree in front of the school.  Jonghyun’s celebration consisted of his father cooking his favorite meal and eating together for once. Everything went well. 

Kibum’s and Jonghyun’s friends all passed the seunung exams and were going to be shipped off to college soon.

The two decided on their respective universities when it came time to accept offers.

They didn’t go to the same university, but their universities were neighbors. So they were never too far apart from one another.

Jonghyun wanted to study something in the arts but his father insisted on majoring in business. His father had also pleaded for him to go to a school closer to home so that he could stay at home instead of a dorm, but he refused telling his father he would pick the school he wanted to go to. Kibum on the other hand was overjoyed at getting far far away from his mother’s grasp. They both wanted  to escape.

The two still hung out as regularly as they could their first semester. Taemin and Minho attended the same school as Jonghyun while Jinki attended the same one as Kibum. So their other friends weren’t far away either.

Jonghyun had only experienced highschool for two years before he found himself having to adjust to an entirely new atmosphere all over again. But at least he still had familiar faces to help him along the way.

Funnily enough socializing and constantly meeting new people started to tire him out. He started to really enjoy his time alone, in fact he yearned for it most of the time (unless Kibum wanted to hang, then he would leave his cave of solitude to be around him, naturally).

Kibum was the complete opposite, outgoing and active. People always wanted to be around him. They had such opposite personalities and sometimes it pulled the two apart but they always found their way back together.

 

But Jonghyun was struggling with the new lifestyle at his university. Adapting to a whole new atmosphere along with living alone made him feel anxious at times. It didn’t help that his father called him way too often. He was worried and overly concerned about Jonghyun being on his own. He wished his father had a little more faith in him. The workload was still manageable but was added stress on top of him adapting to school.

He admired how independent Kibum was. He wishes he could be like that. He didn’t admit to Kibum that he was struggling, he didn’t want to hear him fret or worry. That’s why he liked to just stay in his room. He had nothing to hide from in there. 

 

Kibum was enjoying university so far. He loved to be off the tight reins his mother had on him. He was in a new environment meaning he could be someone completely different if he wanted too. He could reinvent himself, be who and whatever. He made friends quickly. Many were surface level friendships, but others were genuine as well. He always had Taemin, Jinki and Minho by his side as well. But no friendship could ever measure up to him and Jonghyun’s friendship of course. 

So that’s why he was worried. He was worried about his best friend. 

It wasn’t hard for him to read Jonghyun at all. He could see he was uncomfortable sometimes. He struggled making friends and being vulnerable with new people. He encouraged him to join clubs, find new hobbies. But Jonghyun was content with the friends he already had. He started going to the gym with Minho sometimes, which was a start. He even picked up the habit of photographing these days, but that didn’t require him to interact with people now did it?

Kibum really wanted to step into the next chapter in his life and he wanted Jonghyun to join him.

 

                                        *** 

 

“Come on! You haven't been to any parties since the start of freshman year! Come with me.” Kibum whined.

Jonghyun noticed that Kibum has started to become a party animal. He liked the freedom of doing what he wanted so he took all the chances he could get.

“No.” Jonghyun said, keeping his attention on the screen. He needed to focus or he and Jinki would lose the game again.

“Jinki Hyung! Watch out! Behind you! Go left!” Jonghyun yelled into his headset.

Kibum rolled his eyes. He wasn’t going to allow Jonghyun to shut himself in for the 15th night in a row. He stood in front of the TV and watched Jonghyun become frantic.

“MOVE! I can’t see!” Jonghyun said trying his best to shove Kibum to the side without hurting him while simultaneously keeping his thumbs on his controllers.

“Come with me tonight! Both of you! Stop being nerds playing video games all night!” Kibum said, keeping his stance firm.

“, Jinki pause the game. Kibum is being an again.” Jonghyun growled.

“I’ll move if you come.”

“No.”

“I’ll pull the plugs out!” Kibum said, taking hold of his controller’s wires.

“NO!”

“I’ll do it!” Kibum threatened again while pulling on the plugs. 

“Okay, okay! Fine! I’ll go.”

“Promise?”

“Promise! Now move!”

“You can’t go back on our promises, Kim Jonghyun!” Kibum nagged, while finally stepping to the side.

“Okay, Kim.” Jonghyun huffed.

“Come to my dorm around nine tonight! I’ll get Jinki myself!” Kibum said, making his exit from his dorm. 

Jonghyun groaned. He didn’t really enjoy going out that much, he only went for Kibum.

 

Later on,  Jonghyun moped while he forced himself to get ready for the party that night. He knew better than to cross Kibum’s promise. He would never hear the end of it. 

It was a party being thrown on Kibum’s campus so Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin all had to travel to get to their destination while Kibum had forcibly dragged Jinki out of his room.

Jonghyun grumbled at being forced into another loud and obnoxious social setting. The music was loud, it was crowded and everyone smelled like alcohol. But he did find it interesting to watch his friend in his ‘natural habitat’, as he liked to call it. Kibum looked so carefree in settings like this, talking and laughing with everyone. He knew he loved the attention. He looked happy. 

Kibum had begged him to stick by him tonight and dance with him, but he declined.

He stayed in the corner to himself. His friends tried to encourage him to talk and maybe take a sip of alcohol to loosen him up but he didn’t want any. He just didn’t know how to start a conversation with people, so he just didn’t. They usually came to him anyway.

 

“Hey.”

 

Jonghyun didn’t recognize that voice.

He side eyed the guy that came up next to him, not bothering to fully look at him.

“Hi.” He responded.

“I’ve never seen you around here at these kinds of parties before.” The boy said.

Jonghyun sighed. Someone was trying to talk to him. He was going to need a little bit of alcohol to loosen him up after all.

The boy waited next to him awkwardly as Jonghyun decided to make himself a little concoction. 

“Umm, so what’s your name?” The guy asked.

“Jonghyun.” He spoke against the rim of the solo cup. The smell of liquor made his nose burn. 

Again awkward silence.

“Well I’m Ren. Do you go to this school or the one a few blocks over?” 

“A few blocks over.” 

The boy beamed at the fact that he got more than a one worded answer. The boy continued to talk his head off for a bit while Jonghyun tried his best to engage and add substance to the conversation as much as his brain would allow. He wasn’t sure why the boy was so interested in him to be honest. Wasn’t it obvious he didn’t want to talk?

They talked about mundane things and answered basic questions. He was getting a bit bored. Socializing was too burdensome.

 

“So…any plans after tonight?” 

 

Jonghyun had started to space out but with those words he landed back on earth again.

Jonghyun eyed him and tried reading his body language. 

Oh, he knew what he wanted now.

 

“Not particularly.”

He wasn’t interested in socializing with him, but he wasn’t above doing other things that peaked his interest. Jonghyun was a man with needs after all.

“Would you like to make some plans?”

“Depends.”

“On?”

“What kind of plans.”

“You know…my room is down the hall.”

Not much context was needed for what he was hinting towards. Ren was attractive. Jonghyun gave an approving nod. The boy gave him a seductive look and Jonghyun took his last shot of his drink and made a move to follow him.

 

“Hey, Jjong.”

 

Said man almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of his name, mostly because of who spoke it.

“What are you two up to?” Kibum asked.

 He could feel Kibum’s piercing stare on his back. Oh, how much he wanted to disappear in that moment.

“I’ll be back.” Jonghyun said.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll be right back, I swear.”

“But where are you going?” Kibum pressed.

“Out somewhere.”

“Well I asked you to come here so we could party together, I didn’t ask you to come so I could watch you flirt with people all night.” Kibum said, flashing Ren a smile. But Jonghyun knew that fake smile all too well. He may have sounded playful to others but he knew he was upset. Very upset.

“Who’s this?” Kibum questioned. He looked Jonghyun deep in the eyes, daring him to lie to him.

“Someone. I’m being social. Aren’t you happy?” He said exasperated.

“Can't say that I am.” Kibum said doing everything in his power to ignore the prescience of the other boy.

“I said I’ll be right back.” Jonghyun said again with some finality in his voice. He said it stern enough to where Kibum knew he shouldn’t press the issue any further.

He would hang out with Kibum later, he didn’t understand why he was so pressed. Besides he had needs that needed to be taken care of. 

 

Kibum gritted his teeth as he watched him walk off.

“Kibum, come on. Let him have some fun.” Taemin said, slinking up behind Kibum.

“I’m just…worried…about him. That’s all.” Kibum lied.

“He’s a grown man. He'll be okay.” Taemin reiterated.

“You're such a jealous person when it comes to him.” Taemin said, sneering.

“N-no I’m not! I just worry about him sometimes, he’s my best-“

“Friend. Yea, yea we know.” Taemin said cutting him off.

 

Kibum couldn’t help but to let that thick blanket of jealousy wrap around his heart when he saw Jonghyun exit the party, hot on Ren’s trail.

He was upset. Very upset.

Jonghyun agreed to the plans to hang out with him tonight, not to go have a random hook up. Now he felt like he couldn’t even enjoy the party to the fullest. He was too distracted.

 

“Anyways Hyung, Minho said he has a friend for you.” 

 

Kibum raised an eyebrow.

 

“Don’t worry. I think you’ll like him a lot.”

 

                                   ***

 

“Sorry I’m late.” Kibum said frantically as he took his seat across from his date.

 

“No worries. I’m just glad you made it.” 

 

Kibum decided to go out on a little date with the guy Minho tried to set him up with at the party.. His name was Dongwoon.

He was cute. Tall and carried himself with confidence. Dongwoon had an instant attraction to Kibum the moment he saw him and tried his best to charm him the rest of that night at the party. 

Unfortunately, Kibum’s mind was a little distracted and had only half heartedly accepted some of his advances. He seemed nice enough and agreed to go on a date with him to get to know him better and actually have a decent conversation with him with a clear mind.

 

“I ordered you a drink.” Dongwoon said smiling.

“Oh? You did?” Kibum tried to sound as if he was appreciative, but to be quite honest he didn’t really appreciate him making a decision for him. But maybe he was judging too harshly. It was only the first date after all. 

“Yea. I’m sure you’ll like it. It’s my favorite.” He said.

Kibum only smiled and thanked him quietly. 

Overall Dongwoon seemed like a nice guy. He was obviously spewing a bunch of nonsense to get Kibum to like him more, but he could tell that maybe he was a bit nervous and was overcompensating. 

Although he was very polite and funny, so Kibum agreed to meet him again. 

It had actually been a month or so since Minho had introduced Kibum to Dongwoon at the party.

They kept going on a few dates here and there but Kibum wasn’t too sure if he was ready for a serious relationship right now like he thought. 

Plus Dongwoon was really intense. He was also a bit bossy and particular about how he wanted to do things with him. But he still liked him well enough.

 

Besides that, Kibum had to make sure he wasn’t acting on impulse. His…desires…hadn’t really been fulfilled as of late.

Dongwoon was very attractive but he didn’t want to go off and just sleep with him right away. Especially if he was going to take him seriously. So he had been struggling with taking care of his needs these days.

 

“I’m so stressed with midterms. I need something to destress me.” Kibum moaned. Kibum had invited Jonghyunto to his dorm to ‘study’ one evening. Studying usually meant lounging around, talking and half hazardly taking notes. He was sprawled out on the floor amongst his books and papers as Jonghyun sat close nearby. 

“What can I do to help you destress?” Jonghyun asked looking up from his textbook.

“It’s not…something you can really help me with,” Kibum deadpanned.

“What do you want to do then?”

“You know…”

“I don’t.”

“…the best way to relieve stress.” Kibum laughed to himself.

“What’s the best way?”

Kibum slapped his palm against his forehead and glared at his friend. Why wasn’t he catching the hint?

“On top of being stressed from work, I’m Jonghyun. I haven't had in months. It’s so easy for you because every guy or girl that sees you throws themselves at you.”

Gone were the days where a simple trip to the game arcade or the park could help him relieve stress. Kibum needed something more physical to help him to screw his head back on right.

He had slept around before, not much, but enough to satisfy himself. But he was caught in a drought these days.

 

Kibum looked to his side waiting for Jonghyun to answer with a smart remark or a joke. But instead he saw his friend staring into space with his thinking face on. The silence made Kibum feel a bit awkward.

“Can I say something? But you can’t freak out.” 

“No judgment zone.” Kibum responded.

“Why don’t you just sleep with me?” Jonghyun asked.

 

What? Kibum’s eye twitched. He sat up slowly.

 

“Like…like a sleep over?”

“No.”

“Like…like…sleep next to you in your bed or something?”

“No. I mean why don’t we sleep together. You said you’re . We hang out all the time, so we can just do it whenever.” Jonghyun said nonchalantly.

Kibum searched his face for answers, because he was sure he wasn’t hearing him correctly. There was no mischievous glint in his eye or a playful smile. He was serious.

“Are you serious?”

Jonghyun shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“Do you hear yourself?” Kibum said, sounding a bit offended. “Absolutely not Jonghyun. That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.”

“Why?”

“We’re best friends. You’re my best friend! That would ruin our friendship!”

“How? We usually do everything together anyway.”

“Jjong, this is not something that requires a collaboration between us. Just…no.”

“Alright, just an idea.”

“Do you think I’m just some easy person to sleep with or something?!” Kibum asked, becoming upset the more he thought about it. 

“I never said that. It was just a suggestion, Kim. Relax.” Jonghyun said, focusing back on his textbook.

“What the Jonghyun…?” he whispered under his breath.

“Your lack of awareness is so off putting sometimes…you're treating it as if it’s a business transaction or something.”

He felt uncomfortable at how perfectly comfortable Jonghyun looked after saying those words. Just the idea had Kibum feeling flustered. He could feel the tips of his ears and cheeks getting warm. He dared to take a glance at his friend at that moment.

Jonghyun was extremely handsome, there was no denying. He had always been good looking, but puberty did him well. Maybe a little too well.

He just couldn’t imagine doing such vile things with his best friend. He could never! 

Yes, he was attractive and had been taking better care of his looks these days (not that he noticed or anything). He saw how round and hard his arms had become after going to the gym so often these days. But so what?!

Yes, his jawline was sharp and he had big round brown eyes that he always drowned in. And his lips looked soft whenever he ran his tongue across it and-

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Jonghyun said, interrupting his impure thoughts.

“Uhg!” Kibum jumped up and left, leaving his own dorm. He needed air.

 

They didn’t speak of this conversation again. He didn’t want to speak of this conversation again. It was silly. 

Kibum decided that maybe perhaps he was deprived of some attention and affection…and . 

So, he continued seeing Dongwoon long enough for them to eventually make it official.

Low and behold Kibum found himself in another relationship halfway into their sophomore year of college.

In the beginning it seemed like Dongwoon was initially more interested than Kibum was, but he eventually grew smitten with him as time passed. 

Jonghyun met him. He didn’t like him. 

Jonghyun thought he seemed a bit overbearing and pushy towards Kibum. But he didn’t have much to say about him and he didn’t interfere much with their relationship. If he was around, Jonghyun would speak, but only in Kibum’s presence of course. But other than that he would treat him as a stranger. He didn’t see the point in getting to know his boyfriend. He didn’t think the relationship would last that long. 

 

Besides, whenever they did meet the encounter was never pleasant. Dongwoon was a smart and Jonghyun had no filter, so it wasn’t uncommon for the two of them to have passive aggressive arguments about whatever triggered their egos that day. 

So, Kibum kept their meetings from little interactions to practically zero. He avoided having them in the same room together as much as he could.

Of course Jonghyun’s and Kibum’s time together cut down as he became more serious with his boyfriend and college started to become more challenging into the new school year.

The longer he stayed with Dongwoon the more time he spent away from Jonghyun. Soon their almost daily hangouts became weekly, until it fizzled out and became nothing. Calls stopped coming in. Text messages with a barrage of emoji’s to follow weren’t popping up on Jonghyun’s screen anymore. Plans weren’t being made often, if at all.  

Kibum would either reject or cancel plans to be with his boyfriend. It was natural, Jonghyun supposed. Who wouldn’t want to spend their time with someone who provided them with comfort and affection? 

But Jonghyun just thought their friendship could withstand something like this. He felt hurt. Really hurt. But never voiced his opinion. He didn’t want Kibum to feel like he had to hang out with him. He wanted him to do it on his own accord. 

 

A year was quickly passing.

Relationships, jobs, internships, and school work started to get in the way. They were lucky if they even saw each other once a month. It didn’t help that during summer vacation, holidays, or even the weekends Jonghyun would disappear back home as his father would beg for his presence. Jonghyun's father didn't like him being so far away from him. So he always went back home. And Kibum wasn’t too keen on visiting his parents often himself. So, distance started playing a factor as well.

They were slowly accepting the way life was turning out, but that didn’t mean they liked the strain it put on their friendship.

 

***

 

Next thing they knew it was their junior year now. Things had changed. They were out of their dorms and into apartments. They had taken up part time jobs for extra money. And school work never got any easier.

Jonghyun had even switched his major to something he actually wanted to do, much to his father’s disappointment. So the stress of changing his schedule and class weighed on him. It had also been quite some time since he last hung out with Kibum or had their entire friend group all together. Although it had been a lot easier to see Taemin and Minho at his school and to play online games with Jinki even if he couldn’t see him in person. But Kibum? That was a whole different story.

  

                                      ***

 

Jonghyun now had a sudden aggressive headache. He was ripped from his sleep at the sound of his phone ringing beneath his pillow. He forgot to put his phone on ‘DND’ before  he became a little preoccupied the night before.

Jonghyun groaned at the feeling of his phone vibrating. He was going to roll over and ignore it to see if he could still keep himself in dreamland.

“Are you going to get that or not?” A voice said.

He had almost forgotten that he had brought someone home last night. The boy laying next to him in bed annoyingly tapped his shoulder over and over again until Jonghyun shoved him off. 

These days he slept around a lot and often didn't make deep connections with these people. He didn’t see any reason to. He figured it had something to do with his unwillingness to commit to someone. Maybe his abandonment issues. But he didn’t want to do deep self reflection during intimate acts.

He angrily reached under his pillow grumbling to himself about how someone could call and disturb his sleep on an early Saturday morning.

“Hello.” He said, his voice hoarse and scratchy.

“H-hey sorry. Did I wake you up?”

That voice almost immediately snapped him awake. Jonghyun rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He squinted to look at the name of the caller ID. He recognized that voice very well but had yet to hear from this person in nearly two, almost three months.

“Kibum?”

“Hey, Jjong.”

Jonghyun sat up in bed, paying no mind to the irritated boy next to him who was still trying to doze off.

“Hey. What’s up? Why are you calling?” He said right after clearing his throat.

“I can’t call my best friend to see how he’s doing?” Kibum said light heartedly.

Best friend? Jonghyun wondered if they were even still considered that. They hardly knew what was going on in each other's lives anymore.

“Yea, sure of course.”

“Good. Well, also I wanted to see if you were free today? We haven't seen each other in a while. I think we have some catching up to do.”

Jonghyun was a bit too stunned to speak at that moment.

“…or another day if you're too busy?” Kibum added. 

Jonghyun immediately decided all plans for today were canceled.

“I’m free.”

They set up a time and place and Jonghyun couldn’t help but to sit up in his bed dazed thinking about Kibum. When had they grown so far apart that a simple phone call filled his stomach with butterflies?

He snapped back to reality when the person next to him moaned. Great, now Jonghyun needed to be an . 

“Oh. Hey, I’m going to leave soon so…” Jonghyun said. 

The boy looked at him and rolled his eyes before he spoke. 

“Typical.” 

 

     —

 

Kibum didn’t know why he was so nervous to call him. He had a lot to do with the fact that they hadn’t spoken to each other in months and he was afraid Jonghyun would reject him. He had every right to if he wanted. But he was hoping he wouldn’t. 

And thankfully it seemed Jonghyun didn’t hold a grudge against him.

He smiled. He had butterflies in his stomach. He hadn’t seen Jonghyun in a few months. He missed him.

Dongwoon had stressed how important it was for the two of them to spend a or of time together to truly get to know each other. He wouldn’t even lie and say he didn’t enjoy the attention. Whatever free time he had had started to go to him. Now he didn’t like that his social life these last few months almost vanished. He needed to get in contact with his friends, have a breath of fresh air and get back into their routine of hanging out with someone that wasn’t his boyfriend.

And the first person he absolutely needed to talk to first, was Jonghyun.

 

“Woon, I’m sorry. Can we reschedule today? I need to see a friend.” Kibum said. He had called his boyfriend to cancel their previous plans for the day. He had seen him everyday this week. One day of freedom wouldn’t hurt him.

“But we’re supposed to go downtown today.” Dongwoon said. The hurt in his voice was obvious.

“Yea…we can go next week. Downtown will still be there.” Kibum said, chewing on his lip nervously.

He heard Dongwoon take a deep sigh. 

“How about I just come over for dinner tonight, okay? I just need a little bit of space. I want to hang out with my friends. Why don’t you go do the same?” Kibum suggested, trying his best not to sound too irritated. He didn’t want to cause an argument.

“Yea, I guess so. I’ll just see you tonight.” Dongwoon said, sounding a bit defeated. “Who are you going to see?” He asked.

Kibum waited a few moments before deciding whether he should be specific or be vague with his answer. Ultimately he decided against being a liar.

“Jonghyun.”

The line went quiet.

He waited nervously for an answer. Not sure how he would react.

“Oh. I see.”

“I haven't seen him in nearly three months, Woon.” He pointed out.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Your tone said it all.”

An uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach was starting to bubble. He didn’t like feeling like he had to hide Jonghyun or explain himself. He wasn’t a child.

“Well you know how I feel about him. But have fun.” Dongwoon said in a passive aggressive tone.

“I will.” Kibum said sternly.

“Goodbye, Kibum.” Dongwoon said abruptly hanging up. Kibum smacked his teeth and threw his phone on the bed from annoyance. He was such a jealous man. He had nothing to worry about. Jonghyun was his best friend. That was it. 

Nothing more. And nothing less.

 

                                         —

 

“Jjong!” 

Jonghyun barely had time to process that his friend was running towards him before he felt a tight squeeze around his middle. 

“How have you been?!” Kibum said slowly, releasing him. His smile beaming. Jonghyun missed that smile.

“Great. I mean life is going how it’s supposed to I guess.” 

“How’s your classes going?” 

“Well, good until they weren’t. So I switched my major.”

Jonghyun eventually found something he was truly interested in. Photography. Photography was just a little hobby at first, but he then quickly realized it was    something he wanted to take seriously and pursue. His father didn’t think it was a promising career of course but he was tired of doing whatever his father wanted.

“What!? When?!” Kibum said, surprised. They had really been out of touch for him not to know something like this.

“Last month? I feel like I’m starting over again.” He laughed.

“That’s amazing Jjong. I mean I always knew you hated majoring in business, but I’m glad to see you doing something you want.” Kibum said. 

Jonghyun didn’t know why he felt so proud at that moment. He guessed Kibum’s opinion mattered a lot to him.

“My dad is pissed. But he rather I stay in school then drop out.”

“I’m so excited for you. Tell me everything.” Kibum smiled.

They chatted as they walked along the pathway that they decided would be their meeting place. It was next to the river, so they got to enjoy a nice view along the way. 

“How have you been? You seem to be really busy these past few months.” Jonghyun said.

“Oh yea…” Kibum wanted to cringe from his guilt.

“Just my internship has been working me to death. When I’m not working, Dongwoon requests most of my free time.” 

They had been dating for nearly a year now and Jonghyun's opinion about him still hasn’t changed. 

He decided he didn’t want to make a comment about him. What was the use of starting an argument after not seeing each other for so long?

“And you? Are you seeing anyone these days?” Kibum asked. 

Jonghyun studied him to make sure it was safe to really answer this question. He wasn’t sure why he thought Kibum would be jealous, even though he was a taken man himself. 

But if Jonghyun was being honest, he was sleeping around more rather than being committed. Although he did have one possible person in mind. But he hasn’t taken the idea of being with them too seriously. Yet.

“Not exactly.” He replied.

“I see. Maybe one of these days.”

“Maybe.”

“Have you heard from Jinki? Or Minho or Taemin?” Kibum asked.

“Of course.” Jonghyun said.

“Of course?”

“Well, Jinki and I play games together almost every weekend and go out to eat sometimes when he isn’t busy. Minho and I go to the gym together often. And Taemin checks up on me a lot.”

“Oh?” Kibum said, sounding a bit disappointed.

“We tried to meet up with you a few weeks ago. But you didn’t answer any of our calls…” 

The embarrassment that washed over Kibum’s body in that moment was too much for him at that moment and he could almost feel the threat of tears.

Jonghyun playfully bumped into Kibum to regain his attention. 

“It’s okay. We know you're busy. No one is upset.” He said, trying to reassure him. Even though truly, Jonghyun’s feelings were hurt.

“Don’t lie. I know Taemin is probably pissed at me. I’m such a terrible friend.” Kibum said, unable to even look him in the eyes.

“I think if you call them, all will be forgiven. We just miss you, that’s all.” 

Kibum nodded, rubbing at his eyes hoping it would help keep himself from releasing tears.

“I miss them too. And I miss you a lot.” Kibum admitted. “I…I promise to be a better friend to you.” 

 

Jonghyun didn’t respond. But he smiled.

 

They both rambled on about what else had happened in their lives no matter how unimportant it was. They shared a few laughs and reminiscenced about old times. They had always been so close together and never really spent that much time apart from each other. It was strange. But even though they spent some time apart they could pick up right where they left off.

But then the fun came to an end after the two paused their banter once Kibum’s phone started to blare an obnoxious sound. Kibum’s light and happy demeanor changed once he saw the caller ID.

“S-sorry. Dongwoon is calling me.” Kibum said.

“You have to go?” Jonghyun asked. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how his relationship had been. He knew his boyfriend was one of the main reasons, if not the only reason, Kibum wasn’t around anymore. It was obvious they were still together

“Yea… some previous made plans.”

 “Alright.” 

“I had fun. I think I needed to see your face. We need to see each other more, and I’ll make sure that happens.” Kibum said seriously.

“Promise?” Jonghyun said grinning.

“Promise.”

They shared a hug that Kibum thought ended way too soon.

 

                                      ***

 

Warm hands started to wrap from behind Jonghyun. He felt a small head lean against his shoulder. 

He smiled.

“What do you want? I’m busy.” Jonghyun said playfully.

“I want you to focus on me.” 

Jonghyun had been hunched over his computer for a few hours editing some photos that he took for a project. His current love interests decided to pay him a visit. 

“Taeyeon, I’ll be done in like twenty minutes.” He said hyper focused on his screen.

He met her in one of his art survey classes a few months ago. She was pretty and nice. She approached him first and he entertained her for a bit. As time went by he knew he was attracted to her and it was obvious she felt the same. But it had been a while since he actually liked someone as well. The feeling felt all new to him again.

 They hit it off easily and their conversations came naturally. He took her out on a few dates here and there. He enjoyed her company. Things were going well.

Maybe it was about time he settled down and focused on someone. 

 

“Tonight was so fun and then you decide to ruin it by doing homework.” She said, making a fake gagging noise. 

“Well, I’m glad you liked where I took you.” He said distracted.

He had taken her out on a little date. He had done this with a purpose in mind, but chickened out at the last minute. But he knew he wanted to still do it.

Jonghyun sighed as he saved the file he had been working on and stood up to comfort Taeyeon. She sat on his bed pouting with her arms crossed. 

“Hey.” He called. “I’m done now.”

“I see that.” She said still a little irritated.

“Why are you upset?”

“Because who take someone out on a date just to come home afterwards and do work?” She sighed.

Oh, Jonghyun hadn’t thought too hard about that. He just wanted to get some work done.

He tried to lean in and kiss her to make her feel better but she turned away.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

She huffed.

“Well there was something I wanted to ask you while we were out tonight.” He finally admitted.

She uncrossed her arms and looked at him suspiciously.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” 

“Eh? What?”

Jonghyun smiled at her surprised reaction.

“You know…I imagined this would be alot more romantic.”

“You know I’m not good at the whole romance thing.” He shrugged. “But I like you a lot. So, I want you to be my girlfriend.”

Taeyeon smiled. 

“I like you a lot too and I want you to be my boyfriend.”

 

                                        —

 

Jonghyun didn’t think much of it when he posted a selfie of him and Taeyeon on his instagram story a few weeks later. A normal couple thing to do.

He wasn’t as consistent on social media like the average person his age so he didn’t think of the repercussions really. He wasn’t a social media person. 

So when he saw Kibum had written ‘congratulations’ under his photo he nearly jumped out of his skin. 

Kibum was the last person he would have thought to see or comment on his picture. The thought of it honesty slipped his mind. He wanted to go back and delete the picture, but clearly Kibum had already seen it.

Plus, why did he need to delete it whether Kibum saw it or not?

He had always felt uncomfortable telling Kibum about any kind of intimate relationship he had with anyone since highschool. And he didn’t like hearing the details about Kibum’s either. This may have been the only thing they kept private from each other.

As far as Jonghyun was concerned he wasn’t going to deny or admit the fact they were actually together (even though he knew Kibum was no fool). And maybe Jonghyun was tired of feeling lonely. He deserved someone too.

 

He and Kibum met up more after their meeting before, and Kibum only asked about her once and never again. It was best they kept it that way.

 

                                      —

 

With more conscious efforts, Kibum kept that promise. He made sure to free up his time for his friend along with any other things that he missed. But he mostly missed his friend.

Senior year crept up on Kibum fast and now he only had only a year left in university and the work was piling on harder. Future plans needed to be decided. The two needed to rely on each more than ever now. Life was becoming too real.

But thankfully after meeting Jonghyun again he started seeing and hanging out with his other friends as well. He had missed Taemin, Jinki, and Minho. It felt like old times again. 

He had his ups and downs with Dongwoon during their year and half relationship. He hated that the two had broken up and gotten back together more times than he would like to admit. And Jonghyun may or may not have been the catalyst to that on a few occasions. He never told anyone about their rocky relationship aside from Taemin, who was his closest friend after Jonghyun. But he made sure Jonghyun never caught wind of this.

He felt his heart being constantly wringed out by Dongwoon, but Jonghyun always made him feel better.

He saw that he wasn’t the only one in a relationship these days either. He wouldn’t say he was particularly happy for Jonghyun yet, as he hadn’t gotten a chance to meet the girl. He couldn’t properly assess if she was good for him. So until he had the chance, he didn’t approve. But he also didn’t make the effort to meet her either.

 

Jonghyun switched his major in the middle of his college career so he would have to stay an extra year. And depending on if he could get the right classes he needed, he would stay even a few months longer.

But he was having an easier time with classes this year as he was enjoying what he was learning. So this eased his mind immensely. His father still nagged him about it, but he didn’t stop him from pursuing it.

He and Kibum were slowly getting back into the routine of seeing each other again. It wasn’t exactly like old times, but the effort was there. That’s all he could really ask for.

 

A small long weekend had rolled one week due to a holiday.

So Kibum’s boyfriend had rented out a part of a restaurant to host close friends and family to celebrate ‘New Beginnings’ or whatever that meant.

Kibum texted him the information and Jonghyun stared at it, contemplating whether he should still go or stay in bed. He wanted to stay in bed, but didn’t want to disappoint Kibum.

While he was getting ready, Jinki, Minho, and Taemin came around to his apartment to pick him up.

Jonghyun had a hard time deciding whether he should dress decently or wear whatever. Why was he thinking so hard about it? He just needed to put something on!

The boys were chatting back and forth in hushed tones as Jonghyun was getting ready.

“Hey, Jonghyun…” He heard Jinki call him from outside his room.

“Yea?” He responded, coming out of his room. 

“Me and Minho were talking…and…”

He saw the look Jinki and Minho gave to each other.

“And?” He asked.

“Are you sure you want to go tonight?” Minho finished.

Jonghyun sighed. 

They all knew he didn’t get along well with Dongwoon. It wasn’t a well kept secret. 

“Kibum asked me to go, so I’ll go.”

“But ya know…Dongwoon?” Jinki said.

Jonghyun didn’t answer and instead walked back into his room. 

“You don’t have to go Hyung!” Minho called after him.

Taemin looked at everyone confused.

“You know Kibum would be pissed though!” Taemin mentioned.

Jinki and Minho looked at Taemin, annoyed at his inability to read the room.

“Oh! Hyung, you should invite Taeyeon!” Taemin suggested.

“Absolutely not.” 

“Hell no.”

Jinki and Minho said in unison.

Jonghyun stepped back out of his room, after finalizing his decision on what to wear.

Taemin sat bug eyed at their immediate response.

 

“Yea, Tae. Maybe another time.” Jonghyun said. There would hopefully never be a time for that time happen. Ever.

 

They all gathered their things and made their way out of Jonghyun’s apartment. Jinki thought it would be more convenient to drive everyone there so he was to be their designated driver tonight. But before slipping into his seat Jinki stopped Jonghyun as their two younger friends sat comfortably in the car.

“Jonghyun. You really don’t have to go.” Jinki said in a low voice.

Now Jonghyun was confused. Did he think he and Dongwoon would end up in a fist fight or something? He had self control.

“What are you so worried?” He was starting to feel suspicious. “Is there something you're not telling me?” Jonghyun asked slowly.

Jinki sighed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I’m not sure…but I have a feeling about tonight. Maybe something will happen.”

A feeling? What the hell did he mean by that? What feeling? 

“Well don’t spread your worries on to me. It’s been a while since all five of us have been together. So let’s just go.” Jonghyun said a bit stern. He rudely dismissed his older friend before sliding into the car. Jinki only frowned and rolled his eyes at his friend's stubbornness before getting into the driver's seat.

To be frank, he didn’t want to hear what Jinki had in mind. He just wanted to make the best of tonight. 

But he realized later he should have taken his advice.

 

Jonghyun was a bit surprised at how many people showed up. It was a pretty fancy place too.

He nuzzled himself in between Taemin, Minho, and Jinki. He didn’t really feel like conversing with Kibum’s other friends or Dongwoon’s friends. 

“Guys! Welcome!” Kibum said, rushing back towards the group. Kibum had let them in earlier but was swept off by other guests.

“Thanks for coming! I was kinda afraid you wouldn’t…” Kibum trailed off. Jonghyun knew that last comment was really aimed at him but their friends decided to ignore that.

“Of course! You know I’ll never turn down a good time or free drinks.” Minho joked.

“I missed you guys so much, it’s been ages since we all hung out together.” Kibum said feeling nostalgic.

“Yea, we could all still plan something!” Taemin suggested

“What’s stopping us?” Jonghyun suddenly said.

“Preferably after midterms.” Jinki added. 

“It could be just like old times. We could plan a trip or something. I’m sure we can all figure something out.” Jonghyun said. 

Kibum smiled.

“Why not? We can discuss details later then.” Kibum said before a certain someone interrupted.

“Hello everyone, welcome. I hope you’re enjoying the evening!” Dongwoon said, coming from behind Kibum and wrapping an arm around his waist.

Jonghyun looked away.

“I really appreciate you all coming. I have something special planned tonight.” Dongwoon grinned. 

It made Jonghyun’s stomach twist and it didn’t help when he saw the worried glance on Jinki’s face. All the while Kibum gave Dongwoon a confused look.

“Wait, I’m talking to my friends.” Kibum said. 

Jonghyun didn’t miss the irritated look Dongwoon threw towards him specifically. No he wasn’t seeing things, he knew that look was meant for him. He and Dongwoon tension was always going to be present. The two hardly made eye contact.

“You can talk to them later. I need you for something important.” Dongwoon said. Kibum huffed before he was whisked away.

Jonghyun spent the rest of his night a bit grumpy as his social battery started to die out slowly. His friends were a good time, but being in the same vicinity around someone he didn’t want to necessarily see was kind of bumming him out. Plus, he wanted to spend time with Kibum as well.

But it was only the beginning.

Kibum’s boyfriend had called for everyone’s attention and asked everyone to gather around as he gave some generic speech about thanking everyone for coming out. He tuned out for most of it, especially when he started publicly declaring his love for Kibum. They couldn’t do this in private? 

He was so swept up in his thoughts that he was barely registering the words that were coming out of Dongwoon’s mouth. He had thought he heard one part of his speech wrong. 

So when he saw Dongwoon get down on one knee with a small satin box in his hand as Kibum stood opposite of him crying, he realized that maybe, just maybe, he should have stayed home tonight.

 

“I’m going home.” Jonghyun blurted out. 

 

Jonghyun was never the type to cry or get angry. He was usually in a consistent mood of feeling unphased or mellow. He had his moments where he could be a bit snappy or come off as rude, but even then he would level himself out. 

But this feeling he was feeling now was making him feel uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to describe it. But he didn’t like it.

He swiftly turned around to make way for the exit when he felt a firm grip on his arm.

“I’ll take you home.” Jinki said.

Jonghyun shook him off rather harshly. He made some space between them before he spoke again.

“No. I want to be alone.” He said before disappearing from their sights.

 

It took some time before Kibum went back around to his friends that night. Many people were bombarding them with congratulations and questions. He was in shock for most of it as he had no idea that Dongwoon would prosper in front of all those people. They had talked about marriage, sure. But Kibum had thought they would wait a few more years when their relationship was more stable. And definitely not when he was twenty-two.

But overall the adrenaline that ran through his body in that moment gave him a boost of confidence and joy and he said ‘yes’. The ring was beautiful. The restaurant was beautiful. Everything looked perfect. So, he was happy.

He knew he would have to worry about relating this information to his parents later on and hearing a mouth full of complaints, but he would worry about that later.

“Congratulations!” He heard Jinki, Minho, and Taemin say when he was finally free from his now fiancées claws.

“I can’t believe this…thanks guys.” He said breathlessly. They all ogled over the ring and asked him about future plans. Kibum was happy to show them and answer their questions but he was ready to ask a question that would refer to the elephant in the room.

“Eh…guys. Where’s Jonghyun?” He asked, smiling awkwardly. 

They all stood silently for a moment, thinking of a lie to tell him. But Kibum may have had an inkling.

Jinki opened his mouth to say something but Taemin beat him to it.

“He didn’t feel well. He called a taxi home.”

Kibum wasn’t sure why he felt his heart drop.

“Oh. Okay.” The disappointment was obvious in his voice. “Maybe I should call him.” 

“N-no. Focus on your engagement tonight. We’ll check up on him later.” Minho interjected. 

Jinki sighed a breath of relief feeling a little bit of stress falling off his shoulders. 

 

Kibum was used to sharing the highest of highs and lowest of lows with Jonghyun. So he felt his heart sting a bit from his absence. They never liked to talk about their relationships but he thought that maybe, just maybe, this one time Jonghyun would be present in his life regarding something like this.

But what did he expect? They made it clear that their intimate lives would be kept separate from each other. If only to keep their hearts from aching.

 

—

 

Not much had changed over the next month other than Kibum being engaged now. Jonghyun didn't bring it up, only if Kibum mentioned it. But they continued their friendship like normal. 

It felt a bit odd for Kibum to act as if something big in his life didn't just happen and he couldn’t even share it with the closest person to him. But the damage was done, so he went along with it.

 

Everything seemed to be going well for Kibum. Life was going too well in his opinion.

 

His parents never exactly approved of his lifestyle but they learn to come to terms with it. His mother liked to act as if she was an advocate for the LBGT community since then. It made her look more “open-minded” but Kibum knew it was a facade.

He didn’t talk to them much these days, in fact he kept the contact to a minimum. But at the very least he thought he should let them know that their only son was engaged.

He thought his parents would be absolutely furious. But instead he got the shock of his life. 

When he came to visit his mother, she looked small and frail. She was sick. 

He hadn’t seen his parents in months, keeping contact only through the phone. So the news of his engagement was put on the back burner for some time.

He kept his mothers illness a secret aside from his fiancée. He didn’t want to burden anyone or put his worries into anyone else. For a few months or so he took trips back home to the hospital to help care for her. The doctors couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with her. She had a hard time breathing and doing everything so she needed constant assistance.

Kibum was stressed.

He was stressed over his new engagement, preparing for his thesis at the end of the year for when he graduated, searching for a job in his career, and now he had to worry about his mother being sick. The constant traveling was taking a toll on Kibum. He was becoming worn out.

Everything had been perfectly fine a few months ago, but everything changed so fast.

 

It didn’t help that Dongwoon wasn’t as supportive as he wanted him to be. It was just causing another rift in their already rocky relationship. He thought that maybe getting engaged would change something in him. 

He  should be there to give him love and support. Not cause him stress and argue. He was being insensitive to his situation. He wanted Dongwoon to stop being so focused on work all the time and take some time off with him to see his mother in the hospital. Sometimes  he just wanted something simple like a hug and he couldn’t even get that. 

 

But one night after an intense fight with his fiancée he decided he needed to tell the one person he knew would keep him grounded and from going off the deep end.

 

                                    —

 

Jonghyun was in bed, Taeyeon in his lap. 

Jonghyun never usually interrupted intimate acts for a simple phone call. 

But he couldn’t help but glance at the caller ID on his phone as it buzzed on his girlfriend’s night stand. It was way past midnight, who would be calling him?

Jonghyun’s lips and hands were busy but his mind was starting to wander off elsewhere. 

It wasn't normal for someone to call him this late. So he couldn’t help but feel distracted. 

He tried to gracefully and sneakily reach for his phone on the night stand while keeping Taeyeon distracted. 

He stretched and stretched until the top of his fingers reached his phone and tilted it to see his screen.

He ceased his actions with Taeyeon when he saw the name flashing across his screen.

“What are you doing?” Taeyeon said between kisses.

“Umm, can we stop for a second?” He asked, his eyes now glued to his phone. 

“What? Why? What’s wrong?” She said halted her actions while simultaneously sounding upset.

“I need to take this call. It may be important.” He said with urgency in his voice.

Kibum never called him this late. Especially not when he had a fiancée he slept next to at night. Long gone were the days where they could call each other at random times of the night. It wasn’t appropriate anymore. So for him to call it might mean something was wrong.

“Seriously, Jonghyun?” Taeyeon said pointing between their half bodies.

“I’ll be quick. Please.” He said, giving her a look.

“Fine.” She huffed, still seated in her position.

His phone had long since stopped ringing but the moment he called Kibum back he answered on the first ring.

“Hello? Kibum? I’m a little busy right now. Is everything okay?” He said trying to avoid his girlfriend's eye contact.

“No.” Kibum said almost immediately. 

The sound of his voice and the sniffles he heard on the other line let him know this was definitely an important matter.

“Are you crying?” Jonghyun asked.

“I was.”

“What’s wrong?” Jonghyun asked a bit panicked this time. He didn’t like when Kibum cried. He signaled for Taeyeon to slide off of him so that he could have a proper conversation.

“Jonghyun…” Kibum started.

The anticipation was eating at Jonghyun.”

“My mother…she’s really sick.”

Jonghyun couldn’t think of the right words to say. Sick? What kind of sickness? It definitely must be bad enough for Kibum to shed tears over. 

“Can I see you right now?” Kibum asked. It sounds like he was talking through tears.

“Of course. Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“Excuse me?” Taeyeon said with a raised voice.

Jonghyun signed.

“Text me your location.” Jonghyun said before quickly hanging up. He didn’t want Kibum to hear the argument that was about to insue.

“Where the hell are you going? It’s 3am.” Taeyeon said angrily watching her boyfriend rise from the bed.

“My friend needs me. It’s urgent.” He said searching for his shirt that was thrown on the floor a mere few minutes ago.

“So you're just going to leave me?!” 

“I can come back after.” He said buttoning his pants and grabbing his car keys.

“Jonghyun, you can’t be serious.”

“I’ll come back.”

“Don’t.” She said sternly.

Jonghyun looked at her, not in the mood for one of her ‘tests’ that she liked to do on him.

“Alright.” He said before leaving her room, slipping on his shoes and walking out the door.

 

Maybe he could have handled the situation in a better way, but Kibum crying set off too many alarms in his head. He drove to the location where Kibum texted him. 

He wasn’t home. He had just left his fiancées house after they had a fight regarding his mother. He didn’t have a car so he tried to angrily stomp his way home. He said his mind was too clouded to make clear judgements. The subway was closed and he was too frustrated to look up the buses route schedule. So he wanted to walk home. 

He pulled up on the side of the road near a bus stop where Kibum was waiting for him. 

Kibum wordlessly got in the passenger seat. Jonghyun waited patiently for Kibum to speak. He knew he would speak when he’s was ready. There was no point in coercing him. 

He saw the anxious look on his face, the tears in his eyes, and the way he fiddled with the bottom of his shirt with his fingers. 

He allowed the soft jazz to echo around to fill the silence in the car. 

He drove and drove with nowhere in mind per say. It was a bit chilly so he decided to pull over and grab the two a warm drink. He saw the red tinge on Kibum's nose and cheeks. When he came back to the car he handed Kibum his favorite tea that he knew he loved. 

He parked in the parking lot next to the cafe. The soft sound of jazz was intermingling with the loud and boisterous voices of young people outside asumabley drinking the night away.

 

Kibum, still mute, took the drink. He was too shy to look him in the eyes. 

Jonghyun saw his lips ready to part and knew exactly what he was about to say.

 

“Is it def-“

“Yes, it’s decaffeinated. And I added sugar.” Jonghyun said immediately, interrupting him.

Kibum’s whole face turned red. “Thank you.” He whispered.

Of course Jonghyun knew his favorite drink. What kind of a friend would he be if he didn’t? 

 

“Jjong…” Kibum started. 

“She’s so sick. She looks so weak.”

Jonghyun listened instensley, his gaze unwavering.

“We don’t know what’s wrong. She’s been checked in  and out of the hospital. We don’t know how long this is going to last...I’ve been going back and forth from here to my parents home almost every weekend. I’m exhausted.” He paused.

“We don’t know anything about anything. Everything is up in the air.”

“How long has this been going on? Jonghyun asked softly.

“A few months? I didn’t tell anyone…because-because I don’t know…I didn’t want to burden anyone.” Kibum admitted.

“You could never burden me.” Jonghyun said.

Kibum was grateful for how even  more sensitive Jonghyun had become towards his feelings. He had always been patient with him. But there were times where he could come off a bit too blunt. But Jonghyun had softened his words over time.

“I know.” Kibum said, giving him a small smile.

“But…I thought I could lean on Dongwoon. But I guess not.” He said in a bitter tone.

Jonghyun decided not to comment on that or press for further information. If Kibum wanted  to tell him he would. 

But they swiftly moved on from the topic.

“But Thank you, for coming to get me…for being here for me.” He said this as he reached for Jonghyun’s hand. He squeezed it not realizing how comforting it was for the both of them.

“Kibum, you know you can ask me for help. Anytime.” 

Kibum only smiled. How was he lucky enough to have a friend like him?

 

                                    ***

 

It was raining and Kibum was lonely, and Kibum’s fiancée was working a late shift. 

He had come to see his mother alone after she had a health scare. He was dreading every single moment of being there for  numerous reasons.

And only Jonghyun knew the extent of his strained relationship with his mother all these years. Only he knew just how unsupportive and mentally draining she was, even more so after Kibum came out to her and had moved out. 

He knew how conflicted Kibum felt.

 

Ever since Jonghyun got that call he spent a lot of his time supporting Kibum in any way he could, emotionally or being physically present. The doctors couldn’t accurately diagnose Kibum’s mother, but they knew it was serious enough to keep sending her to the hospital. 

It was another regular Tuesday evening when Jonghyun had pulled up to pick Kibum up from the hospital after seeing his mother. Days where Kibum’s fiancée couldn’t be there for him, Jonghyun was.

He had been doing this for a little more than a month now.

“Hey.” Jonghyun said, as Kibum slowly got in the passenger's seat only offering him a small smile at first.

“Hi.” He said after Jonghyun took off.

“How was she today? Any progress?” He asked carefully. Jonghyun had tried to get better with his insensitivity over the years. He knew this was a delicate time in Kibum’s life, so he told himself he needed to be more mindful and  watch what and how he said things and what he did around him.

“Still the same, like everyday.” Kibum said, trying his best not to sound snarky. 

But it was all he could offer.

“Do the doctors know what’s wrong yet?”

“They can’t exactly pinpoint it. It’s some kind of respiratory problem. So, she needs to be monitored often.” Kibum said.

They drove in silence for a bit after that. But Jonghyun couldn’t ignore how the light in Kibum’s eyes had dimmed and he was void of all personality these days. He spent all his free time with his mother at the hospital or comforting his father. 

It was wearing him out. His skin was pale and his eyes red from crying these days. He had seen Kibum cry more than he would have liked, he could never handle other people’s tears well. But for Kibum, he had too.

 

When Jonghyun could, he would take the nearly hour drive to pick him up and drop him off from the hospital. He would even visit his mother with him at times, and Mrs Kim was always happy to see him. He took him out to eat when he knew he hadn't eaten. Talk to him to bring him back down to earth when he would lose his focus and stare into the distance. He made himself readily available for him whenever.

“Do you want to come over for a bit when we get back in town?” Kibum asked, breaking the long silence.

Jonghyun was a bit surprised by that comment but compiled. They hadn’t spent much time just relaxing together in a few weeks.

“Yea, of course.”

 

Once they got to his place Kibum offered to make him some tea and they sat down comfortably in Kibum’s small apartment. He thought that Jonghyun should rest after making that long drive. He had talked about moving in with his fiancée some time soon and Jonghyun could see that he had started decluttering and throwing away some things as his place seemed a bit emptier from what he remembered.

They sat quietly on the couch as Kibum handed him his drink and he cuddled up in the corner of his couch.

“Sorry,” Kibum suddenly blurred out.

“I didn’t have much planned for the evening. I just thought it would be nice to hang out for a bit…” He admitted.

“It’s fine. I always enjoy my time with you,” Jonghyun said. “How have you been?” He decided to ask.

 Although they had seen each other more, he avoided asking him this. It was clear how he had been doing from the stress of the situation. But maybe it was about time for Kibum to talk and share his current  feelings that have been bubbling up inside. The loud clinking noise that came from Kibum tapping his cup as he sat silently for a bit thinking of what to say was jarring to Jonghyun’s ears.

 

“You want the truth or what I’ve been telling everyone else?” He said with a sad smile.

Jonghyun frowned at that comment.

“Well…not so great.” Kibum said with a little chuckle before wiping a small tear away that left as suddenly as it came.

“And I’m tired of pretending I’m okay.”

 

Jonghyun’s full and undivided attention was on him.

 

“I mean…you remember how we were? My mother and I.”

“Yea, I do.” Jonghyun recalled the countless fights he witnessed between them growing up. They always bickered over a disagreement.

“It’s so draining. I don’t hate her…but you know I hate being around her. But I hate seeing her like this too. I just thought I was free from her…I feel like such a terrible person for feeling like this.” He said. 

“You’re not a terrible person. You never were. I know your relationship isn’t the best, but you still care for her.”

“I do unfortunately,” Kibum joked. It made Jonghyun a little happy to see him smile, even just the tiniest bit.

“I sort of regret all those…bad times we had.” He said, sinking back into his couch.

“But she was always so mean to me…and a part of me thinks why should I do this for her? Why should I be there for her? I sound like an don’t I?” 

“No. You have every right to feel how you feel. You went through a lot with her, so your feelings make sense.” Jonghyun said, giving him reassurance.

“Sorry. I hate to dump this all on you. God…Woon is just…he can’t be here for me, not like I need him to be.”

Jonghyun knew better than to voice his real thoughts about his fiancée. Some things better left unsaid, especially in a moment like this.

“He’s always working…”

“Well I’m here.”

“You’re always here for me,” Kibum said, looking at him with big eyes. Oh how he wanted to cry.

“I don’t tell you thank you enough. But I really am grateful for you. Seriously.” Kibum said as he scooted closer to him and gave a playful punch on his arm.

“Don’t get all emotional on me.” Jonghyun joked.

“You know I can’t help it.” 

“You’ve always been a cry baby.”

“And you’ve always been an emotionless robot.”

The two laughed.

It was nice to see Kibum smile again.

Jonghyun was a little startled when Kibum sat up under him and rested his head on his shoulder. They hadn’t been this comfortable with each other like this in years. 

“I missed you.” Kibum whispered.

“I missed you too.”

“I’m sorry for being a bad friend.”

Jonghyun wrapped his arm around his shoulder to comfort him. He was a bit hesitant, feeling like it was a bit inappropriate to be in such close proximity with an engaged man, but he decided Kibum’s feelings matter more to him at that moment. He knew Kibum wanted to be comforted anyway.

“You’re not a bad friend. Maybe a little bit absent sometimes, but not bad.” He teased.

Kibum lifted his head to show him his pout and to push him playfully again.

Jonghyun couldn’t help but think he was cute like this.

Whoa. He should not be having these kinds of thoughts right now. 

But his friend made it hard to think straight when he was snuggled up so close to him. His hair tickled his face as he breathed in his scent. He wasn’t sure when the last time they had ever been this close. 

He desperately wanted Kibum to stop pouting his heart shaped lips. It made his nose scrunch up in a cute way.

“What?” Kibum said, smiling.

“You’re just cute when you smile.” He responded.

He felt Kibum stiffen in his hold. 

But he didn’t move away.

“Is that so?” Was Kibum’s only response.

Oh no. Jonghyun knew where this would lead. And he desperately wanted Kibum to freak out and push him away or yell at him or just do something. Because at that moment he didn’t have the strength to remove himself from this situation.

And he wasn’t going to unless Kibum told him too. 

So when he tilted Kibum’s face to his he thought maybe Kibum would yell at him. 

When he lowered his arm from his shoulder so that his hand could wrap around his waist he thought maybe Kibum would curse at him.

When he decided to test the water and leave a warm kiss on his cheek, he thought Kibum would push him away.

But when he felt Kibum shiver from the feeling, he knew he had him and wasn’t going to do anything to stop him.

So when their lips met all rational thoughts went out the window. Kibum cradled Jonghyun’s face in his hands as he deepened the kiss. Jonghyun opened his mouth when he felt his teeth pulling at his lip’s begging for entrance. He never imagined Kibum to be the aggressive type. But how he loved it.

Kibum slid into his lap and he let Jonghyun’s hands wander and touch places that they weren’t supposed to be. The moans and heavy breathing was turning him on and he was starting to realize that maybe ing your best friend wasn’t the best idea like he thought it was years ago.

But he wanted him. He wanted him bad. In more ways than one. It felt so right kissing him, as if his body had been craving for it. It felt like Kibum had been waiting for this moment too as he wasn’t shy at all with the way his hips rolled against his.

Kibum had always been attractive. He couldn't deny that. Would he lie and say there had never been any ual attraction to him? He had always kept the idea of being purely friends in the forefront of his mind. Maybe he had been repressing some thoughts about things he wanted to do with Kibum that weren’t so friendly. But Kibum shut down the idea of something like that years ago. 

But maybe now he could act on those repressed thoughts. He had him exactly how he wanted him. Panting and shaking against him. He could take him right then and there.

But he knew he wouldn’t be able to let Kibum go through with it. Kibum would beat himself up for cheating along with everything else he was going through. 

He didn’t really give a damn about Dongwoon, but he did care about Kibum’s well being.

 

So when Kibum’s hand had popped the buttons on his pants open and ped them, he firmly grabbed his wrist to stop his hand from going down any further. And it seemed as if the sudden rejection woke Kibum out of his daze. Kibum slowly backed his face away from the kiss and the two took a moment to look at each other.

Jonghyun could see him coming back down to earth through his eyes.

Kibum removed his hands from their position that they were in, and slid off his lap. It took a few moments for it to dawn on him what he had just done.

“Oh my god…” Kibum said. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Jonghyun, concerned, caressed his face. Hoping it would calm him down. But Kibum slapped his hand away.

“You…you won’t tell anyone, right?” Kibum asked, clearly panicked.

Jonghyun signed. It was foolish to think he would have a possible happy ending. Kibum was thinking of Dongwoon obviously, as he should have been.

“Kibum-“

“You won’t tell, right?” He asked again. Impatience dripped in his voice.

Jonghyun dropped his hand. Kibum backed away from their embrace completely, searching Jonghyun’s face. He needed an answer.

Jonghyun nodded.

“Promise?”

Jonghyun wanted to disappear at that moment. 

“Promise me, Jonghyun!” 

“I promise.”

Kibum felt a little bit better. After all, they always took their promises seriously.

“Let’s just forget about the whole thing. Please.” Kibum said fixing his hair and clothes, not needing to see to know that he looked disheveled.

Jonghyun frowned.

“You want to act like this never happened?”

Jonghyun wanted to ask how he could ever just pretend like they hadn’t just crossed the line in their friendship? How could he never mention the feelings that overcame them in that moment? How he finally understood what he was feeling after all these years. Suddenly they were to never speak of this again?

“Yes.” Kibum responded coldly.

“Why?” Jonghyun couldn’t help but to sound a bit angry. Kibum didn’t dare to look at him.

“Do you want to lose me?” 

What kind of a question was that? Of course he didn’t want to lose him. They’ve been by each other's side for more than ten years.

“No.”

Kibum looked at him with a serious face and teary eyes.

“I don’t want to lose you either. So let’s not speak about this again.”

Before Jonghyun could even say anything he watched as Kibum swiftly turned around and announced that he “needed a second” As he headed to his bathroom to gather himself for a moment.

He was just left in the living room with an aching heart and unresolved feelings. Jonghyun didn’t know if it was best for him to leave or not, but he didn’t want to go without saying something.

And of course at this very moment a certain someone was calling him. He fished for his phone in his pocket and checked it to see that he apparently had a few missed calls from Taeyeon. Kibum was taking his time in the bathroom so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to answer the call. Quickly. 

 

He answered the phone while simultaneously turning down the volume.

“Hello?” He whispered.

“Hey, babe. Where are you? You're still coming over right?” Taeyeon chimed.

“Yea, yea. Just give me an hour.” He spoke in a hushed and hurried tone, which made  her suspicious.

“Why are you whispering?” 

“I’m a little busy. I’ll call you back later.” He said swiftly hanging up.

 

“Who was that?”

Jonghyun jumped. How long has it been since he returned?

“My…someone.” Jonghyun said, hesitatingly.

“Your…Someone, huh?” Kibum spat. 

Jonghyun thought it was a bit hypocritical for him to be upset.

“Yea.”

The two stared at each intensely for a few moments.

“You're not the only one allowed to be in a relationship, you know.” Jonghyun said in a bitter tone.

Kibum didn’t need further information. Because truly it wasn’t his business. But Jonghyun’s response gave him the answer that he needed. He knew it was Taeyeon.

 

“Oh,” Kibum said, with a very unhappy look on his face. If there were any traces of desire or lust, it was completely gone now.

“Maybe you should go now.”

 

Jonghyun wanted to protest. He wanted to yell at him. He wanted to hold him and kiss him again. He wanted to tell him that marrying Dongwoon was a mistake. He wanted to spill out all these feelings that had been hidden deep within him that were now coming to the surface. 

But he couldn’t.

 

“Alright.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------------