Things went back to normal as normal could possibly be.

Kibum was very serious about never speaking about it and even acting and speaking to him as if nothing ever happened just days later.

They never mentioned it again.

If Jonghyun had any pride left he would have ended their so-called friendship then and there and apologized and confessed to his girlfriend.

But that’s when he discovered just how selfish he could be.

He knew what he felt was way beyond friendship. Making out with your friends wasn’t normal. These feelings he had towards Kibum weren’t normal. Their friendship wasn’t normal.

 

But he wasn’t planning on letting go of Kibum anytime soon. 

 

And as he also wasn’t willing to let go of Taeyeon for the time being either.  She was his first real relationship. He didn’t want to fail so miserably after a few months. So Taeyeon was none the wiser.

He also did care for her significantly and he didn’t want to hurt her. She took care of him and was patient with him. She was a good girlfriend so he wasn’t even sure what possessed to do something like that with Kibum.

Either way he did like Kibum asked and never spoke about what happened again. To anyone. 

It was hard keeping such a dirty secret to himself but he didn’t want to bring shame on to him and most importantly, Kibum.

After Kibum, he considered Jinki one of his closest friends that he could confide in and tell anything to, but he couldn’t even find it in himself to tell him either. He also wasn’t willing to confirm Jinki’s suspicions about the underlying feelings that plagued their ‘friendship’.

But it hurt. It hurt that Kibum wanted to keep it a secret. It felt like he wanted to hide him, but he knew it was more complex than that. So that’s why he wouldn’t tell him his feelings, tell him how heartbroken he felt. 

But after having Kibum they way he did he wasn’t sure how long he would be satisfied with their friendship. With just being friends. He wanted more. He felt greedy. 

He wanted to hold him again. He wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to do so much more beyond friendship.

Realization hit him. He wanted Kibum. 

But would he act upon it? No. Absolutely not. Kibum had a fiancée. He already has someone that loved him and would take care of him. Someone else already has his heart. What could he provide for him? Maybe he was being too harsh, maybe Dongwoon was good for him. Maybe he really was selfish. If Kibum was content, who was he to come in and shake up a happy home? He had no right. 

But there was a small part of him that wanted to whisk Kibum away from him. A small part of him that  desired to have Kibum all to himself. A small part of him that wanted to flaunt this secret in front of Dongwoon whenever he saw that smug smile on his face. He wanted to risk it all.

If their friendship survived this long, who's to say they couldn’t go beyond that? Was their bond strong enough? All these feeling had been laying dormant for so long and now they were suddenly rushing to the surface in search of freedom and Jonghyun could do nothing but pretend his heart didn’t hurt. Pretend that when he kissed Taeyeon that he wasn’t thinking about Kibum’s lips touching his again. Pretend that he felt nothing for Kibum. 

Pretend pretend pretend. 

That’s all he could do because that’s what Kibum asked of him.

 

                                         ___

 

Guilt. It has been eating Kibum up from the inside out.

 

He didn’t dare speak of what happened between him and Jonghyun for weeks now. He acted like it never happened.

Yea, that was best. It was a silly mistake. He didn’t know what he was doing! He was just stressed that’s all. He had a weak moment and Jonghyun happened to be there when he was most vulnerable. A simple mistake. Jonghyun just came by to comfort him. To be there for him. 

Unlike his fiancé.

His fiancée had been emotionally stunted during this hard period in Kibum‘s life. But every couple has their ups and down right? That’s what he kept reminding himself.

But aside from not being there for him emotionally it also didn’t help that Dongwoon had been putting pressure on Kibum to start planning the wedding soon. Couldn’t they just wait and try to enjoy their life before marriage? They had absolutely too many things going on right now. Dongwoon had been pressuring Kibum to pick a wedding day at the very least so they could start touring and book a venue. Kibum didn’t understand why he was in such a rush, then again Kibum had also been dismissing any talks about the weddings for some time now.

Because frankly he didn’t want to talk about anything regarding a wedding.

If he was being honest he felt a bit resentful towards his fiancée for not being there for him. He knew he they were both working hard and stressed from school but he needed him.

But Jonghyun was there. He was always there.

He never pushed him too hard and was patient with him. He never pestered him or provided him with lackluster advice and meaningless words of encouragement. 

He supported him and helped him. 

He gave him genuine words of comfort.

He was always there for him, even in his weakest moments.

And that moment on the couch had to be one of his weakest.

He didn’t know what came over him. They had never done something like that before. Ever.

But the warm embrace Jonghyun gave him just made him feel all too comfortable…and vulnerable. He spoke to him so softly and hung on to every word he said. He felt safe with him. Comforted and respected. He finally felt like he was being seen.

But Jonghyun had always been like this towards him, so what had changed now? Why did he give in to him like that so easily? 

Kibum never thought of himself as someone who was a cheater or deceitful. He had never been that way. It had simply never crossed his mind. 

But he also felt like he had never been held the way Jonghyun held him. He handled him so gently and warmly. His touch was inviting. 

He didn’t think he could  forget the way he handled him. He was firm and steady but still made sure not to hurt him. He handled him with skill, as if he already knew what he wanted. He took charge but Jonghyun still made it clear through his touches that he would be handling him if it were to go any further.

His lips were oh-so welcoming. They fit perfectly on top of his like a puzzle piece that had been missing. 

Some jealous thoughts had clouded his mind thinking about how Jonghyun may have done this countless times with many others before him.

Did he always treat them like this? So firm yet caring? 

Perhaps Taeyeon knew how he was. 

Although Kibum didn’t care for her, he wasn’t completely heartless. He still felt bad that he put Jonghyun in a position to be deceitful to someone else. That wasn’t in his character. Nor was it Jonghyun’s. So he was still surprised by both of their actions.

 

Now was he going to come clean to Dongwoon? 

He wasn’t so sure. Frankly, Dongwoon already had it in his mind that he and Jonghyun had a ’thing’ in the past. There were many times where their ‘friendship’ had been brought up in arguments and used against him. Now he would look like a liar. It would look like everything he said before was a complete and utter lie. And he didn’t want to be proven wrong, even though the moment their lips touched he knew that he had lost any credibility. 

So maybe no, he wouldn’t tell him. Because Dongwoon would demand their friendship to end right then and there. He didn’t want to do that. He refused. 

 

                                   ***

 

Kibum stared out of his window as he sat on his bed absentmindedly as he touched his lips, recalling the memory of Jonghyun’s lips on his just almost a month ago.

He thought about how Jonghyun kissed him. How soft his lips were. How he didn’t actually want to stop what they were doing. 

He sighed loudly at the thought. What he did was wrong. So wrong. 

But it felt so right.

They hadn’t seen each since, only speaking to each other a few times through the phone, but kept the talking to a minimum. So then Jonghyun could mostly offer silent support or comfort.

He declined his few offers to drive him down to see his mother but today Jonghyun wanted to visit her and Kibum alerted him that she was checked back into the hospital.

How could he say no to that?

It had been a few weeks since he had last seen her and it didn’t help that Kibum’s mother requested to see him as well. Jonghyun had always been one of his mother’s favorite childhood friends. He was always polite and well mannered towards his parents so he was allowed over often. He had tried to stay in his mother's good graces as well, he felt the need to since it was Kibum’s mother. No other reason.

 

So he sat patiently by his window waiting to see Jonghyun pull up in the parking lot. He hadn’t seen him since the kiss and they would be alone together in the car for an hour. But it’s not like he couldn’t control himself. They hadn’t brought it up since it happened and he wasn’t going to bring it up now. He already had a little tiff with his fiancée about something so miniscule he couldn’t even remember what it was about. 

He needed to get out of the apartment, so it was the perfect excuse.

He felt butterflies in his stomach when he saw Jonghyun pull into the parking lot. Why did he feel like this? It’s not like he didn’t know he was coming. 

He counted the seconds it took to get down stairs to distract his mind and keep from feeling anxious. He was taking his time to come down, purposely delaying his time. He didn’t know why he felt being alone with Jonghyun again would be so nerve wrecking. Nothing was going to happen so why did he feel so anxious? 

“Hey.” Kibum said, trying to sound as cool as possible when he slid in the passenger seat.

“Hi.” Jonghyun said back cooly as well.

Jonghyun waited for Kibum to buckle his seat belt before pulling off. It was painfully quiet for the first few minutes. Kibum prayed it wouldn’t be like this for nearly an hour. His mind was rushing with different forms of excuses to make Jonghyun turn back around and drop him back off at home before he was interrupted at the sound of Jonghyun clearing his throat to speak. 

“You know…” Jonghyun started.

Kibum didn’t know why he felt his heart thumb against his chest. 

“You sure do take a long time to get ready just for you to show up in a simple T-Shirt and jeans.” Jonghyun joked.

Kibum slowly cracked a smile.

“Jerk.”

And just like that the tension was broken between the two.

They made small talk until it built into a normal flowing conversation between two normal friends. No one would have ever thought that just weeks ago the two were on each other's faces.

And Kibum was too grateful to Jonghyun for playing along.

The ride was comfortable and they shared a few laughs and stories before arriving. Kibum had to mentally prepare himself to see her. He would usually do that on the ride there but he was too busy trying to interact with his friend as normally as possible and ignored the way Jonghyun’s hands tightly gripped the steering wheel the same way he did around his waist weeks ago.

Yep. Completely normal thoughts.

 

Either way Kibum had to cope as soon as possible as they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. Kibum became eerily quiet when they made their way into the building. He took a deep breath before entering the room, thankful that Jonghyun hadn’t asked any questions or rushed him.

He never got used to seeing his mother look so fragile and weak. He hated having to worry for her while simultaneously wanting to be as far away from her as possible. It was too much mental gymnastics.

 

“Hi mom.” He said with the fakest smile he could muster as he opened her door.

“Hi, Kibum-Oh?! Jonghyun honey! How are you?!” She asked excitedly.

Jonghyun still never got used to how sickly she looked these days but he never showed his bewilderment on his face. He always greeted her well and with the utmost respect.

“Eoma-nim, it's good to see you.” He said, bowing deeply to her. 

Kibum took a moment to pull up chairs for he and Jonghyun to sit near the bed as he listened to her gush about how handsome he looked.

“You look so good these days Jonghyun! You’ve grown into a fine young man.” She said, patting his cheeks. Her hands were cold and her fingers had grown frightfully skinny. Kibum tried not to let it worry him.

“Thank you.” Jonghyun said humbly as he sat down in the chair Kibum provided him.

“It’s been too long since I’ve seen you! I’ve asked Kibum to bring you here  numerous times, I see now he finally listened.”

It took a lot of will power for Kibum not to roll his eyes.

“He has school and work mom.” Kibum said monotoned.

Jonghyun took a look at how stiff and guarded Kibum looked in his chair. He hadn’t bothered to make himself comfortable as he sat up straight and sat with his arms crossed in front of his chest. Jonghyun decided he would do the heavy lifting when it came to conversing today. 

“I’ve been a bit busy these days. I’m sorry I couldn’t visit you much. But don’t worry, Kibum had relayed the message to me a couple of times. I finally made time to come.” He said. 

Kibum cut his eyes at him.

They both knew he was lying. Kibum never mentioned that his mother wanted to see him. He didn’t want to subject Jonghyun to the torture.

“Aigo, you're such a hard working boy. Coming all the way down here to see me while you're busy.” She said, patting his knee.

Kibum huffed.

They spent the next hour entertaining his mother. Most of the time it consisted of her nit picking whatever Kibum said or did while Jonghyun tried to soften her up with small talk.

Whenever Kibum wasn’t speaking he spent his time looking lazily out of the window next to her bed to distract himself.

 

“Ya, Kim Kibum. I’m speaking to you!” She called sternly. 

Kibum whipped his head around a bit surprised as he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize he was being summoned.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

“Where is Dongwoon?” She asked.

Oh how badly he wanted to be swallowed up into a hole underneath him at that moment. He made sure he avoided any kind of eye contact with Jonghyun. 

“He’s working. He couldn’t make it.” He replied reluctantly.

He had brought him to meet her a few times after he announced his engagement. They got along well for the most part. But Dongwoon couldn’t charm her the way Jonghyun did.

“Well when is this whole wedding thing of yours?” She said, saying the word with a look of distaste on her face, almost as if it tasted disgusting on her tongue.

“Not many details have been decided yet.” He admitted. He didn’t dare to look when he heard Jonghyun shift in his chair.

“Well it’s been some months hasn’t it? Have you even found a venue? A suit? Who are all your guests?”

God, she sounded just like his fiancée.

“I don’t really want to talk about that right now.” He said, obviously irritated.

“Well honey, you’ll definitely need to shape up a few things before that happens anyway. You’ll be changing that hairstyle of yours right? You know I hate blonde on you, so don’t you dare try it. And you  look so pale these days. Ghostly even.” She went on.

“I’ve been in the house a lot these days.” Kibum said only acknowledging the last part.

It was a bit hard for Jonghyun to sit through a conversation like this. It wasn’t the first time he had heard his mother berate him. He had often seen them bicker back and forth in the past. But it wasn’t exactly his territory to step into.

“Don’t worry Mrs. Kim. I’ll make sure to take him out under the sun at the beach this summer.” Jonghyun said, chiming in to divert the attention back to him.

“Good. How’s school coming along Jonghyun?” She asked, her attitude completely changing.

“Great. I can’t complain.”

“That's wonderful dear. You’ve always been a good student. You know Kibummie struggled with his grades, it’s nice to see he’s able to keep them afloat now.”

“Mom?!” Kibum snapped.

“What? You’ve always needed the extra help, Kibum. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“But what was even the point of bringing that up?!” He said, raising his voice a bit. Kibum had reached his limit for the day.

“Don’t be rude.” She said in a warning tone.

“You know what, I think it’s about time we go. Jonghyun you must be tired, right?” He said standing up gathering his things. Jonghyun knew better than to say anything else but agree.

“It was lovely seeing you mom. We’re on for next week right?” He said in a bitter mocking tone.

His mother only sighed and shook her head disapprovingly.

“Kibum…” Jonghyun called softly, hoping to calm him down.

“Let’s go.” He responded walking out without giving anyone a second glance. 

Jonghyun stood up and politely said goodbye to Mrs. Kim and took upon himself to explain how stressed and tired Kibum had been feeling today which explained his behavior.

“No worries. Kibum has always been a temperamental child.” She said calmly.

“Uh I see…well it was nice seeing you.” He said bowing. Before he could fully turn around Mrs. Kim grabbed his hand as she wore a determined look on her face.

“Jonghyun-ah, do me a favor? Please, take care of him for me.” Mrs. Kim said. She squeezed his hand.

She spoke so softly and calmly without any sort of malice or pointedness that she usually spoke like when she spoke about Kibum. 

Jonghyun nodded silently, a bit baffled at what she said to give her a proper response.

 

The car ride back was quiet for most of the ride until Kibum fell asleep. He hardly missed the way Kibum’s eyes watered and the way he was trying to hold his tears back. Kibum had always reverted back to his sixteen year old self in the presence of his mother. His overconfident and outspoken self all but disappeared in an instant. It tired him out. So he let him sleep peacefully until they arrived.

When Jonghyun made it to his place he softly woke him up and let him know he was home.

He wanted to reassure Kibum or comfort him somehow. So he reached out to him and laid a hand on his forearm as he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off instantly.

“Kibum-“

“Don’t.” Kibum said quickly, shrugging Jonghyun’s gesture off. Ignoring the hurt look in Jonghyun’s eyes.

Kibum gathered his things, his back to him, but paused in his actions before leaving.

“Thank you for taking me.” He said lowly.

“Of course.” He said, his gaze on the back of his head.

Kibum turned around slightly.

“Let’s…grab dinner next week.” He said.

Kibum still wanted everything to be normal between them. No matter what.

“I’d love too.”

 

                                    ***

 

All that Kibum desired for was peace. He longed for it. He begged for it. He even prayed for it. 

But Dongwoon was hellbent on making sure he didn’t get it.

They had been at each other's throats for the past few weeks. Kibum wasn’t sure what it was but his fiancée had been mean and questioning towards him. Almost every day there was an argument, no matter how big or small, it was bound to happen.

Kibum spent countless nights crying himself to sleep, preferring to stay in his own apartment rather than be together. His plan was to move in with his fiancée but halted the idea after he saw how much the two had been arguing. He didn’t think arguing this much was normal for a newly engaged couple. 

He couldn’t remember the last time they hugged or kissed each other out of love.

He was coming to his breaking point.

And today was the day that set him off.

 

“I don’t like this design.” Dongwoon said.

Kibum rolled his eyes. They were discussing some wedding details that they desperately need to go over if they were to have any kind of wedding.

“Then what would you prefer, Woon?” Kibum tried to say as calmly as possible.

“Anything but this.” He said inspecting the wedding invitations that they were designing.

“I gave you six options. You said no to them all.” Kibum said, his fingers tapping the table they were sitting at incessantly.

“They’re all tacky.” Dongwoon said, shrugging and carelessly tossing the invitations on the table.

“Tacky? These are my favorite colors. And you aren’t offering any suggestions either.“ He said offended.

“I am now.”

“No, you’re not. You’re just saying no to everything. You insist on helping me ‘plan’ this wedding, but offer no sustenance. Just let me do it alone!” He stressed.

“We’re supposed to do it together.” 

“I’d rather do it by myself!” Kibum said, standing up and throwing his hand up in frustration.

“Well you're not going to be standing up there on the altar by yourself are you?” 

Kibum was wondering if they were even going to make it to the altar at this point.

He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing before he would completely lash out at him. They hadn’t had any problems today and he wanted to go to bed with nothing heavy on his mind tonight.

“Kibum, sit down. Let’s just talk about this calmly.” Dongwoon said, clearly sounding distressed.

“I am calm.” Kibum said through gritted teeth.

“So then what’s the problem?” He said, tapping the chair that Kibum sat up from. Signaling for him to sit back down.

“You!” Kibum said.

Dongwoon stood up to walk toward Kibum and snake his arms around his waist. He was trying to comfort him. But he didn’t want to be comforted by him. Although he could hardly help himself when he leaned into his touch slightly. They hadn’t been like this in a while and he had craved his touch for some time. Kibum was still scowling when Dongwoon swiped some hair from his forehead to leave him a kiss there instead. 

“Let’s start over. I don't want to fight.” Dongwoon.

Kibum didn’t want to fight either. He truthfully wanted to be alone.

 

Suddenly the table they were sitting at started rattling from the phone that lay on the surface vibrating. Kibum had an inkling to who was calling him at this moment. Dongwoon tried to keep him from answering by tightening his hold around him and giving him more kisses. But Kibum wasn’t moved by that.

 

“Let’s take a break.” Kibum said, snatching his phone off the table after breaking free from his hold. He started to walk off in the opposite direction.

“Where are you going?” Dongwoon asked.

“I need to call someone back.” He said.

“Call who?” Dongwoon asked. Kibum knew just the mention of his name would cause a massive argument.

“Call who?” Dongwoon asked again when he didn’t get an immediate answer. He followed behind for a few steps, eager to know who was important enough to put a pause in their wedding planning.

Kibum knew he was going to keep pestering him until he got an answer.

He took a deep breath before he spoke.

“Jonghyun.” He answered.

“Oh. Of course.” His fiancée said, a look of irritation etched on his face instantly.

“What?” Kibum could hear the obvious difference in tone from when he was just speaking sweetly befits to him to now.

“Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Why did you say ‘Oh. Of course.’ like that.” Kibum asked.

Dongwoon waved him off. Now it was his turn to walk off.

“Hey, I’m talking to you.” Kibum called after him.

“Shouldn’t you be calling your friend instead?“

Dongwoon said snarkily.

”Don't start.” 

“I’m not.”

“You always do this.”

“And you always talk about him or talk to him.”

Kibum suddenly felt a bit defensive.

“No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.” Dongwoon said plopping down on his couch in his living area.

“I’m sick and tired of you always mentioning him. You always talk about what he did or what he said! I don’t care, Kibum!” 

Kibum could only stand eerily still in front of him. Anger was slowly boiling in him.

“You sound jealous.”

“Well maybe I am? Why wouldn’t I be jealous of a man trying to steal my fiancée from me all the time?”

Kibum was a bit taken aback by his honest answer. But he wouldn’t fold.

“Dongwoon, cut the dramatics.”

“I’m not being dramatic. You know what would be dramatic? Me asking you to end your friendship with him. But I know you wouldn’t do that for the betterment of our relationship.”

“What? No way.”

“Would you? Would you do it if I asked you to?” Dongwoon egged. 

Kibum rolled his eyes and laughed. 

“I’m serious, Kibum.” Dongwoon hissed.

“Why would you even think to ask me to do something so stupid like that? You know better than to do that.”

“I shouldn’t have to compete with someone that’s not in our relationship.”

His fiancée was being so silly. What was he even on about? 

“Your not competing!”

“I am! You're so blind to it! But everyone sees it, Kibum.” 

Kibum rolled his eyes. Who was everyone? Delusion didn’t look good on him. Dongwoon was making up things to get him upset. He had to be.

“It hurts because you're supposed to love me, just me. I give my all to you but you give your all to him! I work for your love and affection everyday but the moment he steps anywhere in your vicinity you just give everything to him!” Dongwoon cried.

Kibum wanted to runaway, he didn’t want to hear such nonsense. But the anger and emotion dripping from his fiancées voice made him stay put.

“Your time, your affection, your secrets…You leave nothing for me.” Dongwoon said.

“For the longest time this relationship felt like it had three people in it! He’s always coming in and out of our relationship! You used to give so much of your attention to him.” 

Kibum scoffed. Dongwoon had been trying to take up so much of his time because of his insecurities. He would always complain when he wanted to spend time with Jonghyun. He was exaggerating.

“It’s-it’s almost as if…I felt like at one point you had more feelings for him. More than just friendship.”

Alarms started setting off in his head. He knew Dongwoon didn’t know what happened, how could he? But his guilty conscience made him think otherwise.

“That’s stupid and you know it,” Kibum spat.

Suddenly anger was bubbling up in him. 

“Do you deny it?” 

“Dongwoon, that’s enough I’m over this conversation.”

“Why do you sound so defensive?”

“I’m not!” Kibum yelled.

Dongwoon looked at him with big eyes, surprised at his sudden outburst.

“You're irritating the hell out of me. I don’t want to be anywhere near you right now.” Kibum spat.

“You know what? You’ve actually pissed me off for the day. After everything that’s been going on in my life you want to start a stupid argument! Today's plans are canceled! I don’t want to talk about this stupid wedding anymore! Get out!” Kibum yelled.

“Kibum, come on. We’re supposed to go see your mother in the hospital after this-“

“I don’t care! Jonghyun will take me! You know why? Because he always does! He always takes care of me! He’s always there for me when you're not! When you're not here, he is! So get out!” He yelled. Kibum wasn’t sure what possessed him to say that. He wasn’t helping his case at all. A loud silence landed in the room causing the atmosphere to thicken. The only sound being heard was the heavy breathing coming from Kibum after his outburst.

“Are you cheating on me Kibum?” Dongwoon asked, forcibly cutting into the thick silence.

Kibum stood still.”

“Don’t make ridiculous accusations like that.” Kibum said in a low and scary tone. He glared at his fiancée angrily.

“Get out! I don’t want to see you right now!” Kibum yelled.

“You are, aren't you?”

“GET OUT!” 

The guilt was gnawing at him. He wanted to tell the truth he did. But he didn’t want him to be right.

“We need some space. We need some time apart.” He continued.

His fiancée's face dropped at that suggestion. He looked devastated. 

“Why? So you can run off to him?”

Kibum only continued to scowl, not bothering to answer such a foolish question.

“Okay.” Dongwoon said standing up and walking to the door.

“You know what, Kibum? Why don’t you marry him instead?” Dongwoon said as he slipped his engagement ring off and threw it on the couch. He gave one last look to him before marching out of his apartment and slamming the door shut.

Kibum felt his throat tighten from holding in his tears.

A choked sob finally broke through when the revelation of their words finally sunk in.

What had he done? 

He became so angry when Dongwoon spoke ill of their friendship and even more so when he accused him of something he knew he did.

Why couldn’t Dongwoon just shut his mouth? Why couldn’t they just be a happy engaged couple in their honeymoon stage? When did it all go wrong?

Why had he been so passionate and fixated on defending Jonghyun the way he did? He could have simply reassured his fiancée and tell him not to worry. But he did the complete opposite.

 

Was Jonghyun truly just his friend?

 

                                      ***

 

Coming out tonight?

 

Kibum stared at the text for longer than he would have liked to admit.

He could hardly ever denied the person who’s name hovered over the message. 

He was still feeling stressed over his mothers sickness and the increased hostility between him and  his…fiancée. If he could even call him that anymore.

After their argument some weeks ago it turned out to be the catalyst to a never ending sea of arguments. 

It was choking the life out of him, so they agreed to have some space from each other for a few days. And those days turned into weeks.

Wedding plans came to a halt and they’ve only seen each other a handful of times. It consisted of Dongwoon trying to sweet talk him but Kibum refused to yield.

 

He thought he needed to do something to get his mind off of his troubles.

Maybe a night out would be fun. He hadn’t done anything like this in a while, especially with the end of the year tests coming up. He needed to do something to unwind.

 

A group of mutual friends and acquaintances were all going down town tonight to go to a new bar that opened up. So Jonghyun made sure Kibum would be going. 

 

You don’t even like going out.

 

Kibum texted back. He hoped that this reminder would deter him. But not even a second later he got a response.

 

But you like going out. So I’m going out with you so you can have some fun.

 

Kibum sighed.

 

Fine.

 

He texted back.

Now he had to commit. Besides, Jonghyun was just trying to cheer him up.

Jonghyun offered to come get him but he declined and told him he didn’t want him to wait on him. He wanted to get ready at his own pace.

Hours later when he was ready he took one of the late buses that dropped him off downtown. On his ride there he declined a few calls from his fiancée. Just seeing his name pop up on his screen was enough to almost sour his mood.

Once he got off his stop he made way to the address that was sent to him. If he was honest he had  butterflies in his stomach. He felt excited to see Jonghyun. And nervous. He lied to himself about the reason why.

The closer he got it became easy for Kibum to see that he recognized people from class and on campus. He bowed and waved to a few of them until he finally saw Jonghyun standing outside in the front of the bar. When they made eye contact, Jonghyun waved him down which made Kibum put a little pep in his step.

“Hey.” Kibum said shyly.

“Hi,” Jonghyun said grinning. “You look like you're in a good mood.” He commented.

Kibum blushed.

“No, I mean-Yea. It’s just nice to get out of the house. That’s all.” He said, trying to save face.

“I'm glad you came out finally. You were worrying me a bit.” Jonghyun admitted. 

Kibum just laughed it off.

“Let’s go?” 

“Yea, sure.”

“Where are we going again?” 

“The new bar that opened up, over there.” Jonghyun said, pointing across the street.

“Looks nice. Are any of the boys coming?” Kibum asked, looking hopeful. It would be nice to see his friends as well.

“Jinki is an absolute no. Minho said he would consider. And Taemin is already out I think, so he may drop by.” He listed.

Kibum frowned playfully. He guessed he would have to see his friends another time.

They made their way to cross the street, so focused on their conversation that neither of the two noticed a woman gawking at them.

 Jonghyun was caught off guard by the familiar voice.

“Jonghyun?!”

Kibum’s eyes immediately cut to the person that the high pitched voice belonged to.

He saw two young girls, a little shorter than Jonghyun. One with long  blonde hair and the other shirt black hair. The blonde hair rushed up to his friend and attacked him with a hug followed by a kiss.

Oh. So this was Taeyeon.

Kibum could feel jealousy spread through him as if it was injected in his veins. The butterflies he had in his stomach disappeared and morphed into rattlesnakes.

He watched as the girl continued to kissed his startled friend.

But he still managed to fake a smile.

 

“W-what are you doing here?” Jonghyun asked about panicked. He had no idea she would be out here tonight.

Oh why did Jonghyun feel nervous all of a sudden?

He absolutely regretted picking this area to go to now. Especially seeing how fast Kibum’s happy demeanor faded and could practically feel the defensiveness radiating off of him.

“I told you we was going out tonight!” She said, referring to her and her friend standing behind her.

“You didn’t say you were coming here.” Jonghyun whispered.

“The club we went to wasn’t fun. So we decided to come to this new bar.” Taeyeaon’s friend said shrugging, not noticing his apprehensiveness.

“Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” Taeyeon asked, batting her eyes at him. 

 

Oh great.

 

Jonghyun was hoping this day would never come.

“Taeyeon…umm… this is Kibum, Kibum this is my…my girlfriend. And her friend Tiffany.”

The words felt so wrong slipping off his tongue at that moment.

“Oh, we haven’t met yet.” Kibum said in an eerily calm voice. He knew this voice. He used it when he wanted to keep it completely formal with someone. It established boundaries as he sounded emotionless and distant.

“Jjong, has told me all about you already!” She said beaming.

Jonghyun couldn’t find it in himself to look Kibum in the eyes as he saw him search for his.

“You’ve been friends since you were kids! Right?” She asked innocently.

“Yep, he’s my best friend.” Kibum said. “I thought we were just hanging out Jonghyun? Change of plans?” Kibum asked snarkily, as he turned his body to fully face him. Demanding Jonghyun to acknowledge him.

“Oh, sorry. Tiffany suggested that we come here and I just so happened to see Jonghyun.” She said feeling Kibum’s sudden unfriendliness.

 “You wouldn’t mind if I tagged along, right?” Taeyeon asked.

Jonghyun just smiled awkwardly. But Kibum nodded while side-eyeing Jonghyun. How could he tell his girlfriend no? 

Jonghyun wanted to disappear. He felt extremely uncomfortable. He never wanted the two to come face to face with each other. Ever. He didn’t even know how he could escape a situation like this. 

He tried to immediately remedy the tension he felt from Kibum by suggesting that they go inside.

Kibum saw many people that he already knew and fell into small talk with many of them. He ended up lingering around Jonghyun and his girlfriend and her friend for a bit, being that Jonghyun was the one who invited him out and he didn’t feel the need to converse with too many people in fake conversations. 

Jonghyun tried to make sure that Taeyeon kept the skin ship down to a minimum in front of Kibum. Even brushing her off at times. He just couldn’t handle the awkward glances Kibum threw his way. They made conversation, but he could see Kibum trying his best to stay engaged without seeming like he was annoyed. And it didn’t help when Tiffany tried hitting on Kibum as well.

Kibum had manners and was chivalrous in general, so he assumed that his actions towards Tiffany were beginning to be taken the wrong way. She was clearly starting to fancy him and began talking his ear off. 

“So, how long have you known Jonghyun again?” She asked leaning into him.

“Since elementary.” He replied as nicely as possible. He had a strong drink in his hand that he was hoping would help erase some of his agitation and allow him to let loose a bit. But it wasn’t working fast enough.

“That’s nice. I wish he would have introduced us sooner.” She said smiling at him, trying her best to garner his attention. 

Jonghyun looked on helplessly as his girlfriend demanded his attention and tried to get him to dance with her on the dance floor but repeatedly rejected her advances. Earlier when he saw how tragic this whole situation was going to become, he made some desperate calls. And was waiting on his saving grace.

 

“How come?” Kibum asked, side eyeing her.

“So that we could have met sooner.” Tiffany smiled. She was quite pretty really. Taeyeon was as well. He saw the appeal for Jonghyun, but unfortunately he just wasn’t interested. 

“You know, maybe we could have ended up like these two love birds.” She said, referring to the couple next to them.

“Sorry. I’m taken.” He said frankly, raising up his left hand to show off his engagement ring that he still wore. He didn’t know what possessed him to wear, he still had a little hope left (that was fading more and more each day), but now he was glad he had it.

Tiffany’s face instantly dropped and before he would have to handle the repercussions a familiar face came into view.

“Taemin?!” He said excitedly.

Jonghyun let out a sigh of relief.

Kibum ran up to Taemin leaving behind his company in favor of putting the younger into a tight hug.

“You never greet me that way!” He heard another voice from behind him shout. He turned around swiftly to see Minho with Jinki in tow.

“Minho? Hyung? What are y’all doing here?” He said happily running up to give out more hugs.

He hadn’t talked to them properly in a few weeks and Jonghyun knew this would pull Kibum out of this awkward situation.

Jonghyun wasn’t sure if they would all come out tonight. They all didn’t party as much as they used to. But as soon as he had a moment of freedom he sent out an S.O.S to the boys.

“Hyung, you really came.” Jonghyun said, greeting his older friend. Said man rolled his eyes.

“I came here to save your .” Jinki said throwing daggers at Jonghyun.

Jonghyun's eyes went wide at that comment. He didn’t need Kibum to know that he practically begged for them all to come. He promised Taemin a free meal to stop by, Minho free drinks and reminded Jinki that he owed him last week for saving his online gaming  character from battle during one of their gaming sessions last week. It cost him a whole battery life! He deserved compensation! And he may or may not have mentioned how disappointed Kibum would be if they didn’t show up.

“Ya, Jinki.” He said rudely.

Kibum was also notoriously known for his jealousy when it came to Jonghyun. No one out right questioned it per say. They all figured that was just how their friendship worked. Although Jinki had the guts to ask a few intrusive questions when it came to their ‘friendship’ and jealousy. So they gave Jonghyun the help.

“How did you manage to get these two to come out?” Kibum asked, interrupting, referring to his younger friends.

“You think that I would come down here to be badgered by a bunch of drunk college students alone? I was going to definitely drag these two along.” Jinki said, referring to the younger two in the group. They all laughed. 

They said their small greetings to Taeyeon and Tiffany as Jinki gave Jonghyun another disapproving look. Again, Jinki was the only observant one in the bunch to clearly see through Jonghyun and Kibum’s friendship. He always mentioned this to Jonghyun, but he always brushed him off.

The night went a lot more smoothly after that. They drank and partied away. Kibum felt a lot more destressed the more he socialized and the more he drank. The more he drank he started to overthink less and felt numb. He was no longer annoyed by Jonghyun’s girlfriend’s presence. He didn’t care about his stupid fiancée. He didn’t think up his upcoming thesis that he needed to turn in soon. He didn’t even think about how he was supposed to get up early in the morning to see his mother. Hours had passed by and he wasn’t even sure what time it was anymore. He needed a night like this again. He didn’t want to feel, he just wanted to be.

He let the night erase his feelings and pesky thoughts.  But before he could completely get lost he was broken out of that trance.

“Kibum, that’s enough.” Jonghyun said, cornering him while simultaneously slipping a drink out of his hand. 

Kibum glared at him lazily. He tried to look menacing but it was hard in his inebriated state.

“Move.” Kibum said as he tried to brush past him. But Jonghyun stood firm.

“Taemin said you should go home now.” He said.

Kibum cut his eyes to his younger friend just to see him at the bar flipping him off and sticking his tongue out at him. He didn’t realize he had been stumbling around the whole night and Taemin was helping take care of him as Jonghyun was forced with the task of entertaining his girlfriend. Kibum brought his gaze back to the man in front of him.

Why was Jonghyun so close? Why was he looking at him with such low and dark eyes? It didn’t help that he look more attractive than usual with his tight shirt on wrapped around his chest-

“Let’s go outside and get some air.” Jonghyun said. It wasn’t really a suggestion, more of a demand. So he grabbed Kibum by his arm so that he could lead him, but Kibum snatched his arm back. 

Kibum’s thoughts were cut short by the man he was just fantasizing about just a few seconds ago.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend to worry about?” Kibum snapped.

“She went home. So you're my priority now.” Jonghyun said.

Oh and did that send a rush of warmth to a particular part of Kibum’s body? Yes, it did.

He couldn’t help but trip over his steps a bit when Jonghyun grabbed him again and led him up to the roof top bar to get a bit of fresh air to help sober him up. They sat down on an unoccupied bench tucked away in the corner.

A bottle of water was ed into his hands. He gave a serious death glare at him. Jonghyun was unfazed by it, Kibum didn’t scare him.

“Drink it.”

“I was going too.” Kibum snapped again. Well now he had to do it because he didn’t want to seem like he was doing it because Jonghyun told him too.

He gulped it down angrily.

They sat in silence for a while, Jonghyun waiting for Kibum to calm down a bit so he wouldn’t have to deal with some of his antics.

 

“What’s wrong, Kim?” Jonghyun asked.

“What?”

“You never drink this heavily. What’s wrong?”

 

Kibum looked at him a little surprised that he could read him that well. But by now they know each other like the back of their hands.

 

“Me and Dongwoon have been having some…problems.” Kibum said suddenly. His hazed mind wasn’t even worried about the fact that he was sharing his relationship troubles with Jonghyun. He wasn’t thinking straight.

“…what kind of problems?” Jonghyun asked carefully. He wasn’t sure if Kibum understood what he was doing. This was forbidden territory.

“We fight a lot.” Kibum hiccuped.

“Really?” 

Kibum couldn’t miss the surprise in Jonghyun’s voice.

“Really.” He confirmed. He took another sip of water, he felt a bit nauseous.

“I don’t know if I love him anymore.” He said truthfully.

He looked down at his hands and watched how the image before him turned blurry as his eyes watered. A sudden wave of emotions that he had been trying to ignore for days now we’re suddenly hitting him.

“He always pushes me or pressures me to do something, I mean we only dated for a year when he decided to start talking about marriage and proposed to me. It was so fast, ya know? And he never listens to anything I say and he always puts me down. He expects me to take everything with such a positive attitude and be thankful,” Kibum could only chuckle.

“But yet, he’s never happy with anything I do.” He sighed.

“He’s…just like my mom.”

 

There it was. 

Had Kibum finally realized what the problem was in his relationships?

Jonghyun noticed. He always had. Kibum had a tendency to date or be interested in guys that were controlling. The guys Kibum dated all had a similar trait. 

They were never respectful of Kibum’s boundaries. 

 

Jonghyun didn’t like that. He didn’t like Kibum being pressured and pushed. But at the end of the day, Dongwoon was still someone Kibum cared about so he kept his comments to himself. It was no use in starting an argument.

 

“I mean, I told him getting married right now wouldn’t be the best. I said I would consider it, but I didn’t say I agreed. But then he proposed to me in front of everyone-and I got caught up in the moment. I immediately regretted my answer the next day, but I thought we could work it out…” He sniffed. 

“I don’t think I want to marry him.” He said truthfully. He hadn’t said this thought out loud before. And if he was planning to, he never would have thought it would be to Jonghyun.

“Then don’t.” Jonghyun said quickly. “You don’t have to.”

Kibum looked at him with a grateful smile.

“I think since I could never please my mom I thought I could please the people I was with…but I failed every time. I don’t think I can make Dongwoon happy.” Kibum knew he was rambling a bit in his inebriated state still because he had never admitted any of this before.

“Don’t say that.” Jonghyun said. “You should be happy too. You deserve to be with someone that will respect you and accept you as you are.”

“You think so?” Kibum responded as his lip trembled. Jonghyun brought Kibum’s head down to lay on his shoulder as he caressed his back to comfort him. He felt Kibum shaking from crying.

 

“We’re over, Jjong,” Kibum whimpered. “I think we’re really over.” 

He knew there was just no saving their already weakened relationship. He had mentally clocked out a while ago. He went through ups and downs with Dongwoon and realized this wasn’t the person he wanted to do this with. He wasn’t happy.

 

“I think it’s best, Kibum. He wasn’t good for you. You have way other important things to worry about. Marriage can wait.”

They were only twenty-two. They had a lot of time.

 

It was getting extremely late. 

Taeyeon had been calling for him to come to his place after he was done hanging out with his friends but he stayed longer than he had planned to let Kibum vent and help sober him up a bit.

Eventually Kibum started dozing off on the rooftop and he decided it was time to take him home. Minho and Taemin in a taxi and Jinki left earlier than everyone else to catch a bus. So he took it upon himself to take Kibum home. Luckily he drove that night so he could sit his friend comfortably in his passenger seat. 

Kibum sat slouched over still trying to nurse himself with water to no avail. Jonghyun made sure he drove slowly because with every bump and turn Kibum threatened to throw up.

Once Jonghyun pulled up to his apartment he shook him awake softly. 

“We’re here.” He said watching Kibum’s eyes flutter open.

“Thank you….” He slurred. He rubbed his eyes and massaged his temples.

“Tomorrow is going to be hell.” He murmured to himself thinking about how hungover he would be in the morning.

“Water and some soup should be a good start.” Jonghyun said.

Kibum threw him a playful smirk before gathering his things. But before he made his exit he did something that would test him greatly.

“Hey, Jonghyun?” Kibum called. 

“Yea?” He lifted an eyebrow at how playfully he sounded suddenly.

“Do you want to come up stairs?” Kibum asked. 

 

Oh.

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Jonghyun desperately wanted to go upstairs. Badly. 

 

Jonghyun was afraid to look at him. Scared to see what emotion was written on his face. He knew he would give in if did. He would give in to whatever Kibum wanted. But they had just started to restabilize their friendship. He didn’t want to take two steps forward just to immediately take ten steps back because of temptation.

It was well past midnight and Kibum had definitely had more than a couple of drinks. It was a recipe for disaster. And they both knew that. He knew they both knew that.

They knew what would transpire if he went up those steps tonight.

Plus, he had an eager girlfriend waiting for him. And Jonghyun was no cheater. Well, he liked to think that he wasn’t.

 

“I think it’s better if I go home tonight.” He said.

The silence that took over after was overbearing. It lasted way too long making the obvious stick out like a soar thumb.

“Okay.” Kibum finally said after a few moments.

“Do you need help?”

“No, I’m fine. Good night, Jjong.” 

He heard his car door slam shut just a few seconds after.

He wasn’t sure what emotion he heard in Kibum’s voice.

Disappointed? Dissatisfaction? Hurt?

…Relief? 

 

He didn’t think he wanted to know

 

It was then he realized something.

Jonghyun knew no matter how long they would hide their secret or how much they tried to act normal, that longing would always be there.

And eventually one of them would break.

 

 

 

 

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