I sat at the hood of my car, looking at the house in front of me. I can’t even bring myself to call it ‘home’, no, not after everything that has happened. How would I even do that kung ‘yung isang tao na nagpaparamdam sa’king this is home is now gone?

And it would’ve been better if she left me for someone else. It would’ve been better if she chose another man or woman instead of leaving like that. Kasi that way, I can still see her. But with this farewell—she didn’t even let me have that one moment. She didn’t let me have that freaking moment and left just like that.

She was too cruel.

You were too cruel, mahal ko.

You didn’t even allow me to say goodbye to you before you went.

I feel like a kid who was asked to hide but was never sought after. It breaks my heart, it breaks me over and over.

Sometimes, I would wish for it to stop.

But almost every time, I want it to never rest.

I want the thoughts to keep on coming, to keep on disturbing the silence of my mind, and the numbness of my heart.

I want the pain to remind me that I’m here, and I’m here to remember you.

Selene visited me kanina sa hospital. She left me something, and I haven’t opened it yet. But she said na it’s from you daw.

It was something you’ve asked her to keep daw for a while, and she finally had the courage to give it to me.

She said I shouldn’t open it daw not until I’m with someone.

But you know me, mahal ko.

You know me.

I pulled out the box inside the paper bag, and a flashdrive was inside. Wala s’yang name or what. I have no idea what’s in it, nonetheless I went back in the car and plugged it sa stereo. I didn’t have the time to prepare myself, and I just found myself staring at it intently the moment I heard your voice.

“Ready na ba?” Your voice was so clear, and I thought you were here beside me.

“Sure ka ba dito, Maia? You know we can write for you naman.”

“I want to do this.” I could hear your determination but it was immediately shattered the moment your voice cracked in the end.

I wanted to laugh… like you always do when you hear my voice do the same.

But I couldn’t.

Instead I could feel the wave of sobs building up at the bottom of my throat, fighting for their way to come out and occupy the silence.

“It’s playing na.”

I heard a loud but ragged sigh and I immediately knew it was from you.

“Hi Mahal ko, I hope this… letter finds you well.” I stopped myself from sobbing out loud upon the pause that you made.

And my bottom lip quivered at the thought of you, using up all of your strength to make all of these just for me… just for me to cry my heart out and curs