The cold walls screamed silence as I opened the doors of our house. The previously welcoming living room is filled with nothing but dust and crumpled papers, a mug with half-filled coffee sitting atop the glass table. I can’t even remember when was the last time that I entered this place.

And as far as I recall, it wasn’t this silent.

It didn’t have this kind of peace that I never wanted to have; a tranquil place void of noise and warmth.

Because what a home would be if it would not be filled with unfiltered laughter, genuine smiles, and a loving warmth.

I sat on the couch, letting out the sigh I didn’t know I held in.

The stack of Maia’s letters accompanied me as I gazed on the empty space in front of me. She used to sit there, with her loosely bunned hair, a crease forming in her forehead, and her calloused hands holding a pen and a paper while looking through her iPad.

I smiled at the vivid memory that crossed my mind.

But as I stretch my lips to feel the happiness that goes on within the corners of my mind, the growing feeling of inevitable grief starts to consume me.

And there was nothing that could stop it.

How do you say ‘I miss you’ to someone who has left you alone between heaven and the embers?

Because if I could ask God for one visit, I would.

“I miss you much, Mahal ko.”

I let my voice pierce through the deafening silence, breaking the peace that this silence created for me.

Ito lang ‘yung kapayapaang hindi ko ginusto at kahit kailan ay hinding-hindi ko gugustuhin.

I picked up one of the crumpled papers, venturing my eyes through the unfinished piece of poetry that she once wrote.

It may sound cliché as heck but God, I wish heaven had visiting hours.

Am I too weak?

Kinakaya ko naman dati kahit ilang buwan kaming hindi magkita, pero siguro ‘yung assurance na uuwi pa rin s’ya sa’kin kahit anong mangyari ‘yung drive ko noon para matagalan ‘yun.

At ngayon, hinihiling ko na lang na sana pala ‘yung mga buwan na ‘yun, hindi ko na lang s’ya pinayagan lumayo. Sana pala naging makasarili ako.

I could hear her voice in my head, telling me how God always has a plan pero…

Ayaw kong i-question ang plans n’ya kaso bakit naman ganito?

Kung kukunin lang din pala s’ya agad, bakit pa s’ya ibinigay sa’kin? Bakit pa s’ya dinala ni Lord sa café na ‘yun? Bakit pa s’ya ‘yung nakatapon ng kape sa scrubs ko nung umagang ‘yun?

I’ve never doubted any belief but this time I want to ask why? Why would God let me experience being in her arms just to drag me down to the pit of hell now by making her go back when we were just starting?

“Today’s the day na dapat pupuntahan ka ni Aut