February 2020

My father has been constantly ill these days, I don't know what to do. I'm so worried, I have a bad hunch about this. Maybe it is because I've just recently had a dream where he ended up dying, or maybe it's because of that one dream at the hospital, in which we had to take him to the ER. I'm starting to regret feeling so excited about those dreams of mine that could turn into reality, I definitely don't want for this one dream to come into reality. My father has been out of it lately, he has been constantly dozing off, he is no longer a morning person; these days he sleeps for long hours during the day. My anxiety is eating me alive, my heart palpitations are driving me to the brink of blanking out— he has been hiding something, I'm sure of it. Ever since his last visit to the doctor, he has turned into a completely different person— he is now more miserable, but he still smiles sweetly at me— he still understands me, my worries, my burdens and my trivial outbursts. Today I wake up earlier than before, I brought him breakfast to his room, he doesn't eat much, he barely takes few sips from his coffee, and a few bites from the bread. He reassures me though, he says he is already feeling better, and that I have to go, and attend my classes. 

This day feels strange, it is gloomy for a reason, I want to push aside the constant turbulations that are going on inside my mind, but I fail miserably. The clouds are all cleared up, and the sun is so hot on my face, but I feel like there's a storm deep within me. 

I got a phone call from my sister on the way back home, telling me that she has to attend her friend's birthday, and she wants me to be there as well. I don't want to be there, I want to get home as soon as possible to check on my father. My sister says that we won't be long, she tries to persuade me that his condition is stable, and that we have nothing to worry about. But my hunch is telling me otherwise, what I have seen in my dreams is making me terrified to the very depths of my core. 

"Get back home as soon as possible! your father is so sick" my mother tells me through the phone.

The voices around me are no longer heard, it feels as if someone has the sirens inside my head, and refused to shut them down. I feel as if I'm being pulled underwater. I can't breathe anymore, I- 

"Let's go home! I told you something's off" I managed to utter those few words out loud to bring my sister back to her senses.  

8PM

We made it home at last, my head was spinning when I saw my father's state. He was sitting on the couch and he kept looking into the void. I managed to bring a tray of food to my equally sick mother; life has been hard for a while... I hope God would answer my prayers and save my loved ones— but Today isn't the day for answered prayers. My father calls my name, he asks me to help him get to his room so that he can rest, I have a lump in my throat, I'm on the verge of breaking down into a whirlwind of anxiety attacks. As soon as we reach the door of the room, my father falls down, I tried my best to grasp on to his hands tightly— to stop him from falling down, but my tiny body couldn't do that. I called for my sister, tears were streaming down my face, I didn't know how to handle life without him— worst case scenarios came creeping in to my organism, they were the permanent imprint of being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  

If feels that time has stopped and I wished for it to rewind, to go back to the moment when I was happily talking about my trivial burdens with my father; however, this year is already on my bad side. 

10PM

I'm on the floor, I can't stop myself from giving in to my mental concussion, I feel it deep inside— something's off. My siblings took my father to the ER one hour ago, and I haven't heard back from them yet. I couldn't go, because my mother would have to stay alone. After mustering up some strength to make a phone call to my brother, the news I heard through the phone got me falling once again on the cold hard ground, I knew it, the tight feeling in my chest never lies— I wish it does this time, but it's impossible to turn back time; my father is gone, he couldn't make it. I have lost my backbone. 

June 2020

After the breakthrough of the pandemic, everyone's lives have drastically changed. My life however, has been on mute ever since he had left my side. I've been off social media for months, I have lost the will to enjoy life– everytime I close my eyes, his face is there in the back of my mind: happy memories of us are put in rewind like a movie that I don't want to stop watching— and I equally don't want to reach the ending. The only thing that kept me going during this tough phase of my life were the vivid dreams that I kept on having, Baekhyun was there every night to give me an illusionary solace. 

As a constantly anxious person, I have to finally check the internet and see how life has been treating him, the one who held my hand during these heartwrenching times, although he was on the other side of the world, I have to make sure that he is healthy and fine. 

Several notifications start popping up as soon as I turn the WiFi on, a new ost has been released on February 2020, 'On the Road' is the title. I played the video to check the song, his warm voice fills the air, the lyrics leaves me doubfounded: 

Can you hear my voice?
On the road to you
Can the echoes I shout out reach to you?

On this road without you
The person I gave all my heart to
Was you, it was all you
I’ll tel