Daisy

2016

It's been a year and a half since I got myself a boyfriend, why is it that I never had a good dream about him. Yesterday's dream disturbed me to the core, and I am not afraid to tell him. I slap the possibility of my dream coming to life out of my mind, for how could a dream ever come to life? It's called a dream for a reason. When I tell him my dream, he accuses me of not trusting him and also of thinking the worst in him. But I don't really think low of him, on the contrary I think really high of him, and I hope he knows how much I love and appreciate him. I honestly don't understand these ideas planted in my head. He was nothing but caring and soft with me, and all I can see as soon as my eyes are shut are the images of him betraying me. Maybe I'm insecure. But that dream was so vivid that I woke up crying. I dreamt that I had a horse that I really loved. One day I woke up to the news  that it was really sick and that there was a chance it was going to die. I was mourning it with my tears falling down my cheeks, and I ran to tell my boyfriend about it. When I found him in the mountain, he was a little too affectionate with a brunette who had glasses on. I stood there frozen, unable to either walk or talk, and my heart was broken again. This dream left its ugly mark on me. And I know I shouldn't feel insecure or paranoid, but I can't help it. The way it felt was so real, like there is no escape from that very moment. But I hope I'm wrong, for I cannot bear losing my best friend and my first love.

2018

We're still together, only it's been hard for us to be together. Long distance is not playing in our favor, we hardly meet once or twice a month. I can't understand him, and he can't understand me either. With all the university crap that I have on hand, it's really hard to sway and be reckless. I miss him, but I can't see him, and he's not really making as much effort as I am to meet. I am tired of getting disappointed in him for whatever excuse he has to tell me when he says "I can't come all the way there. I have things to do," when he visits his friend who lives in the same city as I am. I am tired of him thinking about himself and what he needs while ignoring what I want. I'm tired of so many things I can't find pleasure to recall in the first place, things that break my heart and crush my soul into pieces, that neither my love nor my patience could mend. But I kept it all in, because I loved him. But now I'm running out of things to say; now my love for him is a burden on my back. It weighs heavy on me, and it breaks me that I feel this way. Despite it all, I did love him, truly, with all my heart, but it shouldn't be this hard; it shouldn't be this painful and scornful. Things  started going south, and we no longer have the same state of mind. He's constantly making me feel like I am holding him back and that all I do is keeping him wait for me when he could get nothing in return. So I set him free. I broke up with him. And while I am breaking down because I loved him more than he ever loved me, all I was thinking about was that he is my best friend, and I can't lose his friendship, he means a lot to me. We promised each other that we will remain good friends no matter what, and we acted on it for less than a week.

My mom is sick, she's so sick they had to take her to the ER. I don't know what to do. I have never felt this powerless in my life. She fainted on her way home and she hasn't felt well ever since. When the doctor saw her, he said that  she was so close to death and that she is very lucky to have made it. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell him, but instead, he sends me a picture of a mountain, and I feel it in my bones. He's seeing someone else already. I make no comment regarding my speculations, so he takes it to heart to let me know that he was with a girl, and that they have been talking for few days now, and that they are dating. "Good for you." I said.

I don't recall crying that much, ever in my life. He has moved on so easily, and he's bragging about it. He sent me his girlfriend's picture; and she happened to be a brunette who wears glasses. He kept complimenting her to me, and I kept listening. He doesn't know how it felt hearing him talk about her, and I never cared to let him know how much pain his honesty caused me. 

In 2017, I met this girl, her name is Sunny. She instantly became my friend. But even though we talk about almost everything, this is one thing I was not able to tell, even to her. For three months I was depressed on my own, until I mastered up the courage to show her my broken soul. I am not innocent, I am sure I had my share in breaking his heart too, but I am too selfish to focus on that. Even if I did break his heart, I probably broke it in two. I, on the other hand, can't seem to find any intact piece from my very severed heart. Sunny doesn't like him, and who can blame her. She thinks that he doesn't deserve me, and that I can do better. Three months were enough to finally get rid of the ugly stitches inside my heart. Now I feel a little alive again. 
"Exo have a comeback, you can't be depressed!" She says. It's true, how can I be depressed when I finally get to see them once again this year. Sunny introduced me to exo soon after we met. She is a hardcore Sehun lover, and I say lover, because she claims she loves him. While she verbalizes her love for him regularly, I cannot see them together. I mean, and I am s