The thought of you never leaves my mind. I hate what you're doing to me. I hate the fact that I'm so deeply in love with you, that I cannot escape you no matter how hard I tried to. You have always found your way back to me. It's odd, right? But it's the truth. I want to show you the love that I have in my heart reserved only for you. I want to be next to you. I want to narrow the gap between us. I want you to feel it too, how my eyes shine when I stare at you... I hate it. I hate that no matter how tough I am, you're still able to make me weak. I hate the way you brush your hair; I hate the playfulness in your smile; I hate the sweetness of your voice. I hate your every detail... because you are not mine to begin with... I hate you a lot, a lot that I love you.

I keep writing in my diary how much I hate Byun Baekhyun, until I'm boiling with both agony and desire. I want him, but I can't have him. But what's even more heartbreaking is that while I want him, he must be wanting somebody else. I am tired of being a slave for my heart, for him. Everyday I fall deeper into this abyss, and everyday my heart breaks more. Will I ever have him? Can I ever have him?

November 2nd, 2018
Today is Exo's comeback. I can't wait to hear what my babies are up to. I also cannot wait to see him. I've been waiting for today for a while now, I am so glad it arrived. Daisy and I watch the MV together. 
"OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE! CAN YOU BELIEVE?" she jumps.

"NOOOOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE!" 

This is a masterpiece! Everything about this MV brings me back to life. Chen's vocals are on point as always. Chanyeol is a king, I'll leave it at that. Everybody is perfect, but he is flawless. He looks pure and innocent and devilish and hellish at the same time, but I do not mind his heat burning me alive as long as he's there with me. I don't mind it at all.

"Look at that outfit, girl, he can take my soul!" She shakes her head.

December 13th, 2018

We're getting more of exo in just few minutes. Of course, Daisy and I are watching together. How can we not? This became our ritual ever since kokobop. At least we can freak out together.

Love shot was a bullet through our hearts. 
"This is so y!" I yell.

"I can't even find the right words to say. I mean what the is that? How dare he wear red and do all that. Look at him," she plays the video again,"look at him killing me softly..."

He does look hot as hell, but Baekhyun...

"This is Kai's comeback!" I say

January 1st, 2019

Kai is reportedly dating.. 
!

I woke up to his dating news. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't hate him. I am not angry at him. I just want him to be happy. He's not really my boyfriend, and it's not really like he knows who I am. Do I even know him? Maybe this is a wake up call. I'd be lying if I say that I am feeling well, I'm heartbroken. Maybe I just need to stay alone for some time. I am his fan, and I'll act like it. 
Do not talk about Jongin. Do not mention Jongin. Do not focus on Jongin. Do not care what or who Jongin is doing. 
l'll be okay..

"Are you okay?" Sunny asks.

No!

"Yes! Why wouldn't I be?" I lie.

"Have you seen the news?" She asks.

"yup." I look down to focus on the book in front of me. I have exams, I can't get swayed like this. "I want him to be happy. If she makes him happy, then there is nothing else I could ask for." I say, and I'm glad Sunny lets it go.

October 2019

He was sitting, surrounded by so many people. This place is crowded. I recognize this place, it's Sunny's neighborhood. What is he doing here? This party because I can't sit near him. I see him talking to Baekhyun and the other members, and I smile. I love to see them bonding. His black shirt highlights his beautiful features as his hair perfectly covers his forehead. A little breeze makes his strands of his hair dance together, and I don't know exactly how that makes my heart beat. He stands up and starts to walk away. I feel so distant and so lonely. I see Sunny going towards Baekhyun. She sits next to him and they start laughing. Jongin starts to