Awakening with a gasp for air, I turned to my alarm clock which was gloomily illuminating the bedroom. It was 2:34 am - why was it always this time? Why was the memory of that day haunting me tonight? I sigh and roll out of bed, a little too heavy on purpose - in hopes to awake him but nothing. It never works. I don't sleep well these days since it's hard to sleep next to a cold aura. I make my say to the kitchen and switch on the ovens overhead light - a warm glow rests upon my face. I creek upon the pantry and fumble my way through forgotten cans of soup dusting with age and purpose. My fingers caress a small velvet box and i can't help but smile. I make my way to the front door - slinging a light jacket over my shoulders for the welcomed summers coolness. The welcoming chill feels like an old friend these days. It had been a while since i ventured into this box of memories - the recurring thoughts of Jonghyun had been growing lately. Such growing pains. I couldn't ignore them anymore. 

I sat on the steps, making myself comfortable and felt a little more at ease. Melancholy settled on my shoulders and I wondered if the ringing bells would greet me tonight. I stare at the box - tiny silver moons dazzled in my eyes under the artificial light of the apartment building.

JongHyun stood under the building's artificial lights - causing soft golden shadows on his face. A of loneliness enters his chest, he wonders if this would ever stop - the loneliness. He clenches onto a blue mp3 player as the music settles his heart. 

I smile thinking of JongHyun. The box contained scattered memories and each riddled with stories and secrets. History. I pick up a polaroid of JongHyun with a snake around his shoulders, laughter rings inside of my ears. A soft memory enters my mind.

The air was sticky and my body was pressed tightly against JongHyun - the train was packed. We were forced to stand meant his arm was wrapped around my waist, holding me in place. His other arm was well…holding the bar above him which caused his muscles to f l e x. I couldn’t help but stare and daydream. We had been dating for a few months and things were great. JongHyun made me feel so carefree. Our stop eventually came and we found the Zoo with ease - the summer’s air was cooler than the fiery depths of the industrial tunnel city under our feet - I was happy to be out of the station. We floated in the sea of families with screaming children of tears and white pearls, teens - escaping the land of school and nagging parents with the glimmer of hope in their eyes, couples who had a mixed array of energies and then strangers trying to blend into the background - to be alone - to be at peace. I felt at peace with Jonghyun.

Snapping back to the reality of my life - feeling slightly sad my mind did not let me stay in its daydream. JongHyun smiled back at me through the polaroid or maybe it was just my own imagination. I carefully placed the polaroid back into the box and looked up in front of me. The disappointment of not seeing JongHyun in front of my eyes crawled into my skin - the cockroaches were here. I laugh ‘what was this feeling inside of my chest?’ JongHyun haunts my mind and my feet felt heavy as I walked back into my apartment. Why was I moving so slow? My body was rejecting the direction I was taking it in - it wanted to go home. I opened my apartment door slowly and walked to the bedroom. Outside attire still on while cradling the box of memories and stared at the man sleeping in the bed. Everything ached - I did not love this man.

He left me once before so why not do the same. Perhaps a little bitter in others eyes but I did not care. I felt a chill from my decisions - running away from JongHyun was the worst move I had ever made. What was I doing? So many questions were running through my mind as I just stood there still as ever. A rush of emotions swirled around me - causing chaos but I remained silent as I packed a small bag of the important things which included that small moon patterned box (which never stopped dazzling even in the darkness.) This was the only way to start climbing the stairway to the Moon. This was the very first step - a tiny one in fact. Perhaps I felt a little sympathy towards the Man in that moment - maybe he just left because he was climbing his own stairway, sometimes it is easier to just disappear without saying a word. Sometimes you need to act with your feet even if your heart can’t speak its words yet. 

I wasn’t ready to admit all that was weighing on my shoulders that night. 

But I did know one thing. 

I was going to see the Moon again - no matter what.

Three Months later

I was at the airport - alone and nervous. It was early and everything felt silent, still but movement was in the air. The stale air. Airports felt unnatural to me - I was used to the steadiness of the ground. I had found myself sitting alone in a row of chairs and I was just waiting - w a i t i n g - w   a   i   t   i   n  g  for my flight; time felt like it was dragging at its heels. Unwilling to bless me with its swiftness. I was on my way to South Korea and so many people thought it was well…stupid. They couldn’t understand why I broke up with JongHyun in the first place but to now travel to see him. Their words tried to eat inside my mind: ‘what if he doesn’t want to see you?’. ‘Do you even know if he's there right now?’ and ‘Didn’t you call things off? Why would you want to see him?’ 

Mistakes happen. 

Well was it really a mistake? I broke up with him because I had a reason. 

I did it with purpose. 

The flight finally arrives - I slept most of it since my nerves the night before chewed at my stomach causing anxiety mixed with insomnia. 

That night JongHyun failed to sleep…but that was normal. It was becoming more normal these days, like a routine. It was 2:34 am and The Moon used to fill his skies at night blooming like an orchid in the sky but for some reason the Moon's night time greetings were becoming irregular. It made him feel unsettled - but tonight while the insomnia was circling his eyelids his heart felt less heavy - like something was about to happen. Something Big.

JongHyun - are you there? I thought to myself while entering the South Korean skies. I landed at 2:34am. What an interesting time.