I had been here for almost a week and today was the first day any rain had entered my orbit which was fitting - I was in a gloomy mood. The loneliness was creeping up on me - I could feel home, it was close but I felt so far away at the same time. No matter where I wandered I could not find any glimpse of JongHyun’s existence - no one had breathed a word of him, no whispers in the wind and I felt Lonely. I pulled a blanket around me to provide both warmth and comfort, I had drawn the curtains open to provide me with a front vow seat for the day's rain performance. I could hear the outside world creating sympathies of splashing sounds. I decided to leave my cave of covered comforts and retreat to the bathroom - this was perfect weather to take a bath. 

I stretched and headed towards the bathroom, I jumped started the bath and hot water came rushing out. I decided to hit the shuffle of the charting hits in Korea that day - I dipped my toes in slowly - warmth was wrapping itself around my body - it felt like a warm hug across my body. I began to relax - my eyes closed welcoming a hazy dream of the past. As I fell into a daydream without knowing JongHyun’s Lonely began to play, the melody entered my state of being.

Three Years Ago

“I’m Sorry it’s my fault.” 

JongHyun’s face was soft but full of sadness - a cold distance was beginning to grow.

“I knew you were struggling too - you probably think I’m a fool.”

I reached for his face to gently comfort him - he winced (emotional pain it hurts too) but allowed for it to happen.

“Will it really get better? If I cry and tell you things are hard - I know who will have a harder time Jonghyun. I don’t think that would make it any better. Everything will be fine.” 

“Maybe we trapped each other - inside our own misunderstandings.” 

JongHyun reached for my hand and gently held it. There was pain in his eyes but his touch felt warm and genuine. 

“Whenever I see your worried eyes  - when I see you so tired, I worry that I am baggage to you, that I am baggage to you.” I step backwards - picking the route of our distance. 

“Understand me.” JongHyun let out a small whisper. 

My eyes shot open and I scrambled for my phone - removing the melody from the air. JongHyun…you do remember me but why must my heart hurt this much - why did that memory have to resurface? I stepped out of the bath as well as catching my breath and sanity. I rested my head on the palm of my hand while I dried and drifted into a land of thoughts. I hated that day - mostly because I couldn’t tell JongHyun I understood him, it hurt everything in my being to do so. I broke up with him because I understood him, he was hurting deep inside. I could see it so clearly. He felt such guilt for leaving for long periods of time and it was eating him up inside. I had to let him be well…free of that commitment. I wanted him to fly, to show the world who he was and bring happiness to people’s souls. His music did that - and now I had wished I made that clearer that day. I was naive back then, unsure of everything and it was only fate that I made mistakes. Would JongHyun see that I understand my mistake? I hoped so. 

I change into comfy clothes and peek outside the window - the rain had begun to soften, perhaps I would make a run to the convenient store for some snacks. It felt like a good day to indulge so I grabbed my coat, wallet, keys and left the hotel. 

The world was silent - it was as if the rain had made people sleepy. The air felt fresh as I walked past trees and other shrubbery, the world felt alive. What was this feeling around me? I noticed the Convenience Store lighting its presence not far from me; I was happy for the short walk on this day. The doors chimed to signal in my arrival, I had made it to dry land. I pursued the isles picking up snacks here and there and found my way to the cash register and then left the store with bagged goods - precious cargo. I was ready to venture back to the comfort of my hotel room - my eyes stopped me in my tracks. Could it really be…?

“Taemin?” I said in a state of shock. 

“I should be the one more shocked than you! What-how-no, no. Does JongHyun know you are here?” Taemin said in an embrace. 

“No,” I whispered into his ear - afraid to admit it myself.

We find a bench with an umbrella and sit down - sharing my bag of snacks. The air was once again silent with only small water droplets echoing on the umbrella’s exterior. It had been so long since I last saw Taemin - each member of SHINee slowly left one by one - JongHyun was the last to stay. They had all begun their own solo projects but remained close friends, they were basically family. They were all proud of each other, there wasn’t any green skin to be shown. I had heard and seen from Taemin’s updates that he had become a dance teacher but still performed on a regular basis. He looked good - did he always look so…handsome? I smiled to myself. 

“It feels weird to be sitting here with you but it’s nice to see you again.” Taemin broke the tension and silence so smoothly. His energy still had not changed, it was so warm and inviting. 

“I was just thinking that Taemin,” I smiled at him, “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you, to tell you that I am here -” I paused to eat more food, “I just…I my heart has felt so heavy for so long and I missed JongHyun. I am stupid for even trying but I wanted to at least try. My own fears have been blocking me - I am the only reason why I have not seen him yet. I am afraid he wouldn’t even look at me. I-I’m just sorry.”

Taemin reached over and squeezed my hand, “It’s okay - I’m here now, let me help.”

I exchanged numbers with Taemin so he could easily reach me. I was told to go back to my hotel and that he would take care of it. I had to trust Taemin, only fate would have let us meet; for some reason I felt at peace. I did tell Taemin however, to not tell JongHyun yet perhaps to provoke him into running to him straight away to spill the news. Why was I so coy with my intentions?

Taemin walked up a set of apartment steps, his mind was heavy with choices. Taemin knocked on a door and soon a petite man stood in front of him - the scent of french lavender entered Taemin’s nose. 

“JongHyun - they are here…in Korea.”

“I don’t believe you - they would have contacted me, it’s just another false alarm…” his voice trailed off, memories of sorrow seem to run across his worry lines.

“Trust me..” 

As I entered my hotel room my phone chimed. It was a twitter update from JongHyun - it had been a while since there was one, he had been pretty radio silent these days. 

“Even if you are gloomy, gloomy

I’ll be standing here

I’m Here.”

These were words that I had heard JongHyun say many times throughout gloomy days - maybe tomorrow would be a better day.