I felt exhausted and my entire body felt out of place. I was in a place that was so unknown to all its senses, however, my heart felt closer to home - it was almost as if it could detect JongHyun’s beating heart. This hotel room was my home for the duration of my stay and as I settled into my temporary homestead the reality of everything began to settle inside my chest. Perhaps I was feeling a little naive in my hopes to find him - could I really stumble my way back into his atmosphere? Somehow part of me believed so - a growl in my stomach notified me that it was time to eat. I aimed to wander around the hotel to find the nearest cafe. The air was fresh and as I inhaled my body began to settle, my feet began to walk; I trusted in their intuition. 

The coffee shop was only a short walk from the hotel and my stomach was thankful. The yellow building felt inviting and a warm glow formed inside me...something I hadn't felt in a while. I noticed a small dog tied up outside...it reminded me of - I shrug off the similarities. I give it a small pet on the head and I smile. The familiarity was so strong. 

As I entered the cafe I am hit with the scent of fresh coffee and my ears rang with the sound of life. The chatter, laughter and distant machines running in the background made me feel comforted...I was another stranger amongst other strangers. I smiled to myself - this is what I needed - I needed to get out of my head. I got in line behind a person in all black clothing and you could easily tell they were petite underneath the clothing since it swallowed their frame. It made me smile but with a slight pang of pain. Reminders hurt. After ordering my drink I became distracted in the surroundings as I found my seat. I picked one next to the window since I also wanted people to watch while in my thoughts. I saw the hooded figure untie the dog from its post and head in the direction towards the hotel - my mind and eyes lingered on them as they grew smaller in the distance until they completely disappeared. 

I felt light and ready to move forward - this small thing had broken some of my mental blocks. Even if I never found him again I was just happy to be under the same sky as him again - it was as simple as that. 

As I made my way back to the hotel, a ping came from my phone.

‘Solo Artist Kim JongHyun to release Story Op. 1 next week.’

My heart fluttered. I had ensured to keep my notifications for any news on him - to see if I could find a way to catch a glimpse of him again. I was happy for his success and it made me feel as if the break up did some good. In the reality of all things I truly broke up with Jonghyun to allow him to be free. To have this dream of his without the pressure of feeling like he was failing as a partner. I wanted him to focus on his music and time and time again he proved my decision was correct. I had saw the success of two of his solo albums by his side...I saw how much the world had needed his music and I guess in those moments I felt small and that I was holding him back. Despite our separation I had listened to each and every album. A small taste of him and his beautiful voice... I had never stopped supporting him. I had wished to write to him to congratulate him on his work, that I was still here supporting from afar but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I clicked on the link to preview his new song Diphylleia Grayi - a sad melody filled my headphones. My heart hurt and I hit pause right away. 

Was JongHyun actually happy? 

Time had passed and I was naive in my thoughts that the music would have been about me. Truly I was feeling like a fool. 

Did JongHyun even remember me?

I stopped and looked around…I was so busy in my thoughts that I had walked past my hotel and now I did not know where I was. I walk towards the park next to me and slump onto a bench. I checked my phone to only notice that it had died - I had used the last of my battery to listen to JongHyun’s voice briefly. I sighed and closed my eyes. I’ll figure my way back but first let me rest for a while - maybe this park will inspire something in me...or this feeling of being completely lost will. I felt a nudge at my ankles and I opened my eyes slowly to find the dog from the cafe at my feet. The petite puppy looked at me in the eyes and barked, prompting them to run back and forth to me until I got up from the bench.

‘Are you also lost, small dog?’ I reached down to pet them and also checked for a name tag - not a thing was to be found. They tugged at my sleeve insinuating that I follow them. I shrug, what else am I meant to do? Someone could need help, so I followed. The small dog leads the way, looking back now and again to make sure I was still behind. I couldn’t help but smile - they really reminded me of JongHyun for some reason. As we carried on I began to recognize some of the buildings and surrounding area - we were getting closer to the hotel. I was puzzled even more when the small dog stopped at my hotel.

“How did you know this is where I needed to go?” I quizzed the dog.

The dog barked and pawed at the door. I chuckle. I entered the elevator and the dog followed. 

“Can you give me a number of barks to tell me what floor you’re going to, little doggie?” 

Four barks. The same floor as I. How odd. The dog stayed closely by my feet during the ride up and then ran out quickly as the doors opened. I followed, curious to see where this strange creature was heading but they disappeared into the open air. I smile to myself and unlock my door. Was I just dreaming then? I plug in my phone and get ready to wind down for the night. Humming that sad melody of Jonghyun’s newest song into the lonely empty air - I wanted to listen to it more so much. It felt difficult listening to his music this time, was it because we were under the same sky once again?

I wasn’t ready.

I buried my head into my hands. I am sorry JongHyun, I can’t hear your voice right now. 

His lyrics had this strange way of finding themselves a home in the softest areas of my heart and I felt too vulnerable for that. I knew vulnerability was good and needed in our lives but it just wasn’t the time for it. This build up of emotions swelled up inside me causing tears to fall. I lift my head up slowly  and a glistening white light catches my eye through the window...The Moon. I burst out laughing like a maniac. How long has it been since I last saw The Moon? It has been a couple years now hasn’t it? 

I stare longingly at The Moon like it was my first lover. Was something about to happen? Was this a warning of time?  I pulled out my phone and put on some Maxwell, soft vibes to cure my wrecked insides. JongHyun…I dearly miss you