One morning as I wandered around the hotel room sleepily - a dazed routine I had been finding myself in since I had arrived - I came across a small envelope with my name neatly printed on the front. The only person who knew where I was staying was Taemin. Why would he need to slip a note under my door when he has my number? I shrugged it off - who knows why people do the things they do? I lay the envelope on the counter as I brush my teeth. Anticipation was growing and my mind was wandering. Could this be a letter from JongHyun? I was leaving myself in anticipation because the weight of its contents seeped through - I could physically feel the scent of change on my fingertips. It smelt like french lavender. 

I carry the letter around with me as I finish my morning routine - once my breakfast arrived I sat down and stared at the letter. Okay here it goes, it’s now or never. I open the letter carefully and a small piece of paper falls on the table. I grab to see what it was and let out a small gasp of air. 

JongHyun concert tickets. 

I stare at first in disbelief. Was this actually happening? Did Taemin find a way to get closer to JongHyun - but why a concert? A face in the crowd…would JongHyun even notice me? Did I want to be noticed? I shake my head of its silly thoughts. This is what I came here for, I said I was fine even just seeing him from a distance. Taemin was respecting my wishes and I was happy. I would be seeing JongHyun perform once again with my own eyes. There was a magic that surrounded him when he was on stage - you could almost touch it with your bare hands. It would be like catching stars if that was humanly possible - JongHyun’s concerts were well beyond time and space. I was excited to breathe in that atmosphere once again while naturally being nervous and melancholy. I message Taemin to thank him for the concert tickets - he messages me back quickly and confirms it was him and that he would meet me after the concert, so we could catch up more. 

(So why was I a little disappointed that it was Taemin who sent me those tickets and not…whatever.)

–

The tickets for JongHyun’s concert linger on my fridge, held by a magnet. Each day I passed them, my eyes memorizing the details but my feet grew hot and cold as each day sailed by. The thoughts in my head would battle with each other but my heart only wanted to see him. Was this the time to listen to my heart and my heart only? To go against the wisdom of my mind? 

My heart wanted to run to him.

Where are you?

"Are you here?" Jonghyun whispered.

–

The concert was tomorrow and what worried me the most were the seat numbers; f r o n t-r o w. I could not possibly hide unless I wore some kind of disguise to make me unrecognizable...a thought I quickly shook out of my head. Why would he recognize me or even want to see me in the crowd? Taking a sip from my coffee I contemplate on what to do. Perhaps if the universe gives me a sign I'll follow it’s direction. It’s not that I don’t want to see JongHyun or vice versa, I think to myself while I do my morning task of cleaning up the hotel room, I was just scared to see JongHyun. Anytime I thought of him or saw something that reminded me of him my heart began to flutter even after all this time...even after being in a relationship with another but each time that happened I buried it deeper down inside of me. If I saw him standing in front of me, I was scared that the cosmos of emotions would burst like fireworks. The fear was that I would have to submit to my own emotions - while under the trance of thought I knocked over a box and thus the contents went flying all over the floor. Snapping out of my thoughts I turn to fix the mess that was on the floor...it was my tiny moon covered box of memories. I gently sat on the floor and picked up the items which included signed CDs that he had given me. I trace the words on them and remember the day where he first launched his solo album. 

“JongHyun...is everything okay?” I ask while gently his arm to comfort him.

“I just - I am not sure if this album will be received well...after all the fans loved SHINee as a band but will they love me? Will they love JongHyun?”

His hands grasp on mine and then slowly interlock with them. It was in these moments where I saw his shortness the most for he was so vulnerable. I squeezed his hands to bring him back into reality. 

“If they see what I see then there is no reason why they will not love you. This album is amazing and so are you but if it all fails, which it won’t - just remember that I am proud of you, that I love this album and that you did well.” 

His face breaks into a smile, “you always know what to say...and for that you will be the first person to get a copy of my cd.” 

He grabs BASE from his bag and begins to pen a message.

“You Are My End Of Day.” I say out loud as I place the CD back into the box. I felt overwhelmed with all the memories flooding back to me and I let out a small laugh. The Universe is giving me a sign isn’t it? I guess tomorrow - I will face the cosmos of emotions and see JongHyun at his concert. I rub the small moon tattoo on my finger, one that JongHyun had given me and smile. I’ll see you soon I think to myself.

The Next Day

I checked myself out in my full length mirror: a person in an oversized black sweater, jeans, and hat looked back at me. I put on a black mask to finish off the outfit and put my hood up - I’m sure in a crowded space and dark lighting I will not stand out but rather blend in. It would alarm him to see me in the crowd, I’ll stay hidden. I grab the ticket off the fridge and head out - my stomach was full of tiny butterflies, causing chaos throughout my body. I head towards the station and try to calm my nerves while on the train. The Moon never left my view the entire journey there, always by my side. 

I arrive at the venue and I am struck at how small it was, thus then realizing that this was an album release concert…ones I had been to before - they were small and hyper interactive with fans. There was no dimly lit room to save me and my full black outfit caused me to stand out like a sore thumb but there was no going back. I made my way towards my seat which happened to be right in the center - oh great. The room began to fill more with fans and guests and soon the room was full. All seats had been taken…meaning I was stuck in this seat, I could feel my palms becoming more and more sweaty. 

   “Did you forget a light stick?” A fan who was sitting next to me asked.

  “Oh…yes I did.” A lie but it was in the heat of the moment. 

   “Here! I have one spare. Let’s show JongHyun a huge amount of love for this album!!” 

They hand me a light stick and I suddenly become emotional. 

  “Yes, let’s show him love…” I turn to them, “how many of this album's debut openings have you been too?”

“Oh all of them! Even when he was overseas, I’m happy he is home though, it makes it easier to see him, how about you?”

“Oh not really…” I lie. 

They warmly smile at me, “I’m happy you can see him.” 

You don’t even know…is what I say to myself in my head but I exchange a warm smile back to them and suddenly cheering begins and there he was, His lovely blue aura surrounded him. I was almost blinded to be honest - I felt dazed and dizzy. Feeling as if I entered a new atmosphere, like I was breathing in the oxygen of the moon. The fans cheered and his face exploded with a smile, his love for his fans had only grown more in time. He stood there taking everything in, his aura only grew bigger in size - I couldn’t help but beam with a smile, my heart felt like the milky way. Happy to be in the orbit of the moon, for that is all they want. I find myself remembering I needed to breathe and I came back into reality, JongHyun on stage was enchanting. 

He moves his finger towards his lips, signaling for the crowd to be silent and a sudden hush falls upon the room. JongHyun had us all around his petite finger, a smirk formed behind his finger and he knew it. 

The room exploded with sound and JongHyun’s vocals entered my atmosphere.

“ Baby, when I’m with you,

I don’t care if we do nothing

So comfortable, I fall over with

laughter over nothing

I don’t even know how my days are passing

The moment I open my eyes,

to when I close them, I’m filled with you”

(In my dark room, your white legs)

Stretch them out baby, get comfortable baby

(In my dark room, your white legs)

When I hold you in my arms (Woo) then I know

Love is so nice love is so nice

(My heart, my heart) It’s so amazing

Love is so nice (Love is so nice)

Love is so nice

Oh nice (Oh nice) No no no no

Wherever I go, whoever I meet, in the end,

I’m on my way to see you

Whoever you’re with, whether you’ve stopped,

I’m not nervous

When I look into your eyes,

there’s nothing to worry about

You know baby, we feel the same way baby, ooh

(In my dark room (Oh babe)

your white legs)

Stretch them out baby, (Oh yeah)

get comfortable baby

(In my dark room (Oh yeah)

your white legs)

When I hold you in my arms (Woo) then I know

Love is so nice love is so nice

(My heart, my heart) It’s so amazing

Love is so nice (Love is so nice)

Love is so nice

Oh nice (Oh nice) No no no no

One step, two steps, come to me

Only tell me baby

Nanana nanana nanana

Make me hum

Love is so nice love is so nice

(My heart, my heart) It’s so amazing

Love is so nice (Love is so nice)

Love is so nice

Oh nice (Oh nice) No no no no

Baby stay with me (Oh na)

Baby stay with me (Lalalala)

Baby stay with me (Lala lalala lalala)

Baby stay with me (Ooh)

Baby stay with me (Ooh~)

Baby stay with me (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Baby stay with me (Baby, with me)”

My heart strings were pulled all over the place, how did he do this? How did he always reach so deep within my soul, pulling out memories like teeth? As the fans cheered around me I was busy thinking of the times of the evenings where all we needed was the comfort of one another. Our bodies were pressed tightly together, embracing each other and exchanging energies. I would be playing with his hair as he hummed a tune oh so similar to this in my ear. My heart aches, I wanted to leave, I wanted to run away but my legs would not move. What happens if I leave right now? Will this be the last chance I will see him again, what happens if our paths do not cross...my heart ached. I wanted to leave but my body was being held down by the forces of the universe, they were fighting my flighty nature for me. I had to stay, I had to see JongHyun. The song ends and JongHyun’s voice breaks me out of my Trance.

“Ah..the next song I will perform,” a slight giggle leaves his mouth, “ah, i'm embarrassed to say..mmm it is about my favorite skinship, the staring contest between two lovers.” 

A wild cheer erupts from the fans. 

“I don’t want you to put away your eyes

When you look at me

I wanna lock eyes with you and have a staring contest

My love, see yourself reflected in my eyes

So beautiful

Please don’t be shy

I want to place you in my eyes, just as you are”

I see JongHyun eyeing up the room, making eye contact with fans here and there. Suddenly his eyes lock onto mine. His eyes glisten. 

“Sometimes, I’m afraid to fall asleep

What if I open my eyes to a different world?

Sometimes, I have these stupid thoughts

My love, see yourself reflected in my eyes

So beautiful

Please don’t be shy

I want to place you in my eyes, just as you are”

His eyes do not stray away - locked into place...a staring contest had begun. Did he know it was me? Has my disguise let me down? There was nothing but him and his blue aura within my eyes - how long has it been since we were this close? I wanted to reach up and touch him...to hold him. 

“No one knew we’d fall in love like this

You don’t even know

How big my feelings are

Of course, of course my feelings are bigger

But you say you love me more

No I love you more

My love, see yourself reflected in my eyes

So beautiful

Please don’t be shy

I want to place you in my eyes, just as you are

My love, see yourself reflected in my eyes

So beautiful

Please don’t be shy

I want to place you in my eyes, just as you are”

The song ended and the contest was broken by JongHyun and I felt myself gasping for air. I had forgotten that others existed within this room and felt out of place. Did everyone else notice this behaviour between us? 

The concert continues and I continue to feel dizzy within. I find myself getting up from my seat and heading to the washroom. I was going to stay but I needed to compose myself, my heart felt as if it was going to explode. Finding my way to the washroom, I remove my hat and mask to allow myself to throw water on my face. I was in a state of shock because I was still in love with JongHyun. I find my hands reaching for my cell phone. 

“Hi Liz,” I hear my voice echo within the bathroom.

“Is Everything okay?” Liz asks, something I loved the most about her - she just knew what state of mind I was in.

“I haven’t been able to catch you up on things but I am at a concert. A concert for JongHyun. I randomly acquired tickets and I-”

“Wait, you - you are there now?”

“Yes, I mean I am in the bathroom currently, I tried to hide in the crowd but I really think he saw me. That he knows I am here and I want to talk to him.”

“I know you do.”

“I just-it’s a lot you know? And I’m scared.”

“Honestly if he has seen you, you know he will try to contact you - I wouldn’t worry too much, enjoy the concert...I know how much you love his music, you always have.”

I smile and thank her. Everything she had said was the truth. I make my way back to the stage and instead of making it back to my seat I stand at the back and admire him from afar. I suddenly feel a small tap on my arm, I turn to find Taemin smiling at me. 

“I’m happy to see you.”

“Oh Taemin…” I smile back at him and we embrace, “I am happy to see you as well.”

Taemin turns to look at JongHyun, “He knows you are here.” 

“I see.” 

The blinking game was real. 

Taemin squeezes my hand and nods. We both stand there admiring him and enjoying his music. JongHyun was coming to a close of his last song and suddenly Taemin began to lead me out of the room. 

“I want you to wait outside here, I am going to bring JongHyun to you - I know he would want some privacy too…” He pushes me out of a fire exit, and quickly leaves me there.

He gave me no chance to respond - I was left in the night air.

Alone. 

I button my jacket and stick my hands into my pockets - which I find my lighter. I toy with the idea of smoking - I was nervous after all and wanted something to warm my hands. I light a flame and inhale and the tension leaves my shoulders. I look into the sky and see The Moon staring down upon me, shining its moonbeams onto my skin. I allow the smoke to find it’s way up towards the moon. I smile. I lean against the wall and close my eyes - I am not sure how long I was standing that way but I was drawn back into reality when I heard the fire exit door open. I open my eyes and find JongHyun standing in front of me.

“It really was you - I know Taemin told me you’d be here but-yeah.”

I inhale more smoke and then drop the ashes to the floor, “I’m-...hi JongHyun.”

“Hi...I see the tickets found you well,” He says as he takes a step forward, enclosing some distance between us. He stops and looks to the ground, “why didn’t you tell me you were here…do you-” he doesn’t finish his sentence.

The french lavender - I should have known it was him.

He looked slightly wounded. He hadn’t changed, he was still as soft as ever - one of the qualities that tug at my heartstrings the most.

“I wasn’t-I don’t really have an excuse...I’m sorry. I wanted to see you...that’s why I am here.” I step forward, a mutual decision had to be made of this space between us, “ I haven’t been here for long, I didn’t even know this concert was happening-it’s a long story...i just.” 

A silence was loud between us.

I close my eyes and rub my temple, “the concert - it was...amazing. Really, I am proud of you.” 

“You say such foolish things to me,” he sounded bitter, I don’t blame him at this moment but he suddenly softens “but I would rather hear these foolish things than nothing at all.”

“I would rather say foolish things to you than nothing at all.”

“You..can’t say things like that” he inches a little closer, “I just-I still hurt…”

My arm finds his - falling back into the rhythm of comforting him, he allows it. 

“I know...I know. I want to talk. I can’t take that pain away from you but I am here now. It’s taken me so long...too long you could even say,” my eyes begin to water, “I don’t know JongHyun, I have missed you.”

He looks up at me and smiles. His arms wrapped around me slowly, not out of hesitation - no it was as if he was making sure I was real, that I was really here - I took in every second as his actions slowly brought us into an embrace. I find my arms embracing JongHyun back, I lean into him - taking in it all. There was familiarity with his body, it felt like I was walking home. Everything in me was leading me back home. Our embrace ends and he leans against the wall. The artificial light of the stage’s building created a warm mustard tone - projecting onto JongHyun’s face - he looked softer with his features being cast this way. His turtleneck hugged his body as if it was sculpted just for him. A smile formed on his face, I wondered what he was thinking about as his eyes wandered the sky we were existing under - it’s been a while hasn’t it JongHyun?, I think to myself. His eyes fall to the floor but the smile remains.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” He whispers.

“Of course.”