Now the time has come for the Gloomy Clock to decide its fate – so much time has passed since this journey had begun and don’t you wish we could’ve continued the fate so magically and unrealistically? Me too. Sadly life is complex and such fantasies are unfaithful to the human heart. The adult world is tough, cold, distant and there seems to be an emptiness that does not go away but yet sometimes magical things seem to happen, unexplainable feelings arrive into our arms – oh it is so joyful, so colourful and warm. The beginning of every story is that way, why else would we continue to read on? We need motivation to continue on our journeys but relationships can become lost to the passage of time; you can never remember that kind of love though – it haunts you as you dream. You are only aware of it when the Gloomy Clock is behind you (tick tock tick tock) and then you must Take The Dive to feel the Moon on your fingertips again, don’t let it slip away…not again. This is all coming to a close, I am sorry if there are things that I can not answer for this is only a story, a work of fiction – we are here for the ache of human emotion. 

How long has it been since everything came to a halt? Though life was moving forward I was stuck in quicksand – I am drowning can’t you see? How much time has passed since I had returned, months, years, centuries? I could not tell anymore. There have been so many endless nights with the pillow covering my ears to drown out the sound of the Gloomy Clock, why was it still ticking – can it just become silent already. It sounds like a forgotten dream – I can not visualize it but I feel it, I feel that familiarity…a feeling you can never mistake; it creeps upon you (tick tock). Despite these drowning emotions I was moving forward in this quicksand, I was still above the surface able to breathe; just allow me to sit in this sand for a little while longer. I must mourn the past and the missing future that I dreamed of. I found myself tired of my work, it no longer served as a place of happiness or drive and the only thing it was providing was money…was that enough? As each day passed my motivation failed to show up so I made the decision to quit – I had enough savings in my bank account to survive a while longer but does that information truly matter in a story like this? I suppose it does not but I thought I would ease that adult mind of yours. 

I fumbled my way around this new life I had set up for myself, lazy mornings and even lazier evenings – I had so much time to spare. I filled the afternoons hunting for work and in the meantime I began to paint again; I could not stop painting endless skies of moons. The moon had only returned that day I came back here…not to be seen again since so in its absence I produced the landscape I wished to see. It was always blue, I couldn’t stop painting in blues – my blue period had arrived and it did not want to let it go. Was this attitude healthy..to be consumed by these feelings of mine? No, arguably it was not healthy but I did not know what else to do. Oddly despite my best efforts there was no news of Jonghyun, he had somehow disappeared. I ached for any news of him, a sign of him…anything. I had begun to go on dates, advised by my friends to help me move on and while the people were nice, pleasant and sometimes interesting…they did not give me what I was looking for – a connection that felt natural and real. I was so exhausted from these meetings that I struck a deal with myself, no more dating until the Gloomy Clock stops ticking…I push the pillows into my ears more and more each night, please stop. Please let me go.

There was deja-vu floating in the air – it’s something you can always feel, a sudden feeling that crept out of the darkness. I was riding the bus to see a movie with Liz, a suggestion from her to try and cheer up my weary eyes, however, suddenly she could not make it; this gave me terrible chills…hasn’t this happened to me once before? I sighed, alone…once again I have been left alone. I shouldn’t waste another day away, I have wasted too many already with this heartbreak. I took a chance many moons ago so perhaps this deja-vu feeling was a telling sign. Please let something good happen to me. (tick…tock) Oh the Gloomy Clock is still ticking…when will it stop? 

Once at the cinema I noticed that only one movie was playing, ‘Take The Dive,’ was the universe playing a cruel trick on me? It was too late to turn back now, we all have to face the darkness at some point; perhaps I would see the movie in a new lens — I have grown I suppose. I purchased my ticket and floated away to the movie, I felt like a ghost revisiting the past. This was the movie where Jonghyun and I first met, can I really do this with dry eyes? I found myself alone in the large room – truly was this deja-vu? Seating myself in any seat that pleased my mind, I nestled comfortably and snacked on my popcorn while the commercials were playing. The blur of movie trailers and other pointless advertisements settled my mind, I found no gloomy thoughts entering my mind for the first time in a while; everything felt peaceful. 

The movie begins with two lovers saying goodbye to each other. The classic running after your lover’s mode of transport ensues. (oh what a lie to be fed, my bitterness was growing.) A lovely classical romantic comedy transports me into a world that fills my heart with a never ending ache, I can feel the tears falling upon my face. My heart inhales and exhales the realization that love will never be how I imagined it to be.  My eyes dance as I follow the characters' movements between each other's lives. A bitter ache fills my body. Tears stream down my face at the embrace of the lovers returning, falling into each other's arms (lies, the movies are just pure lies.) As the movie's credits fill the screen and as I wipe my eyes – I notice something that I did not before…was the soundtrack for the credits…why was this voice his? I could not move from my seat. This is not the same as before – the deja-vu had faded.

When time passes,

The breakup that tore my heart apart.

When time passes,

The young memories that kicked away at the blankets

It gets forgotten, gets forgotten,

It just passes right by

It gets forgotten, gets forgotten,

But back then I thought that was everything.

When time passes, this depression now

When time passes

The things i said were hard and complained about

They will become things of the past,

The sharp and emotional memories

They will become dull, become dull

Like a square wearing down to become a circle

I’m depressed, it’s depressing

Becoming dull is depressing.

I’m bitter, bitter

As if i’m drinking herbal medicine

I’m depressed, it’s depressing

It’s not a big deal but i’m depressed

I’m depressed, it’s depressing,

As if I'm eating gloomy fruit, I’m depressed.

I couldn’t take his voice anymore – universe you are truly cruel. I arose from my seat but I did not notice the figure sitting next to me the whole time – they also stood up at the same time as I.

“You are leaving without saying goodbye – did you not learn from the movie that lovers do such a thing?” 

All I could was stare in disbelief – Jonghyun.

“What–what are you doing here?”

“To remedy my mistakes my dear” he said softly. 

He grabbed my hand softly and led me out of the cinema, “did you not recognize my voice then? I wanted to sing a song for you.” he smiled. 

I followed in silence, I was not sure what to say – I had rehearsed multiple times for this moment but yet my words failed to arise, how typical. We arrived in a small park, alone and the tension in my chest was rising.

“Jonghyun –”   He stopped walking and turned to me. He smiled that godforsaken smile of his and my heart skipped a beat, I am so weak for him, “why are you here? I mean I just don’t understand why you did not call me?”

“I’m sorry –”

“That is all you have to say?”

“Let me finish my dear,” he caressed my hand and continued to lead me down a path while talking, “you see I tried to see you that day but they would not allow me on the plane, I tried I truly tried,” so it was him, he was the one causing the delay – now I felt foolish, if I had given up my seat we would have not parted, “I watched your plane leave, I watched as the distance between you and I grew once again and it tore my heart apart – I could not move for days, I was cemented in my own foolishness.” 

“You could have called me.” 

“That is why I am a fool – I broke my phone the night we parted and I thought I could catch you before you left for I am a romanticist you see…” he let out a chuckle, “I am my own worst enemy when it comes to you but I could not let you go once again.”

We came across a small clearing – “I won’t let you go if you allow me to stay by your side.”

How do I explain the next events when my head was overcome by emotion, I suddenly found that Jonghyun had lowered his body so he would be on one knee, kneeling in front of me. ‘My end of days are easier with you, I find my belly full of laughter even on those gloomy days of mine, you hold my hand like a child when I am sick or feeling blue – there is nothing I can do but think of you when we are apart. I feel the most alive when you are by my side, these things are easy and simple to say I suppose; I am not asking for much but only for you to stay by my side even if our days are tough, even if we apart, even if we struggle; I would rather struggle knowing I have you to come home to. I would cross a thousand oceans to just see you for a brief moment – my long sentences are covering up these short words – will you marry me my dear?’ 

‘Yes. A thousand times yes.’

The Moon appeared that night as we danced in the streets in glee – the sun and moon were once again reunited. It was a simple love story. 

Five Years Later

Time passes doesn’t it? Time truly is a funny thing. Jonghyun and I remained engaged for two years and in that time we traveled back and forth to each other – we needed to try this again, the travel, the long lonely nights away from each other, the guilt of leaving your love and the ache of unfamiliarity. When we had done this last time things had not ended well – the commitment was set upon rocky foundations, however, we managed to easily intertwine our lives into each other. We learned communication. It is funny how language is so easy to flow through our mouths but yet we find it hard to communicate what is truly in our hearts. Will I see these times were easy? I can not, however, I knew the feeling of not having the Moon embrace me at the end of the day and I could not live without that again. We finally married in the late spring when the flowers began to bloom. It was a magical evening, we danced under the stars and moon and bathed in our love. When we danced it felt like that night many moons ago – when we were both masked aware of the strings tied around our wrists – I felt like I once again glided on the moon with stars and comets shooting around our movements. Jonghyun’s touch never turned sour, it was always sweet and smooth, constant whispers of ‘i love you’s’ escaped his mouth the entire night, as did mine. Am I denying you the evening by only brushing past it? I apologize but somethings are hard to describe you see – unless you have also danced upon the moon while holding its hand. 

Jonghyun wrapped up his solo career, a decision that came easy to him since his shoulders had grown tired of the burden the industry carried upon him; he began his own company…which was more ethical to its artists. He began to write, to conduct and produce music – he found what he was passionate about. He was wonderful at mentoring artists – they bloomed under his wings. We were now both living in South Korea, together at last; I couldn’t be happier. The Gloomy Clock — I still hear it tick tock here and now in the distance…to keep it at bay I find ways to bring spring into its heart. These days with Jonghyun, oh how I welcome them with a warm embrace each day that the sun rises, I had once felt the Moon slip away from my fingers…the dial tones of regret they make me shiver, to experience that sad bitterness again I do not think I would survive. I spend my morning days in harmony – sipping on coffee as my ring glistens in the sunshine, a gentle hum of a song escaping from the open bathroom windows…a home, this was a fine home. I have grown softer – thank you my dear Jonghyun.

You are my prize,

To be gentle with me 

That is all I ask –

For when I look at you

The lonely Moon that I am

I see the sun glisten, 

Am I almost blinded?

Perhaps,

But I shall end my days

With the sun

With a soft embrace,

Hold my hand 

The Gloomy Clock

It does not echo 

In the walls of this heart,

Spring is here

Spring has come to me.