I was wide awake in my bed during these early hours of the morning and it felt dangerous since my mind was wandering to one thing only - Jonghyun standing under that artificial lighting. It felt like this grand return to the moon simultaneously happened too quickly and heartbreakingly slowly. I did not blink the entire time because I was scared the person in front of me would disappear without a trace. I had missed JongHyun so much I almost wanted to howl at the Moon. It was out again - the Moon. Was it normal for a full moon to last this long? Was I in the vortex of limbo - where am I?  It felt emotionally exhausted but my chest felt so tight. There was so much I wanted to say to JongHyun and tomorrow felt like it would never come. I wish these sleepless nights would call themselves a friend to me at times like this. I curled into my blankets some more - I felt like a babe to this world...soft, vulnerable and scared of the future. I wondered if JongHyun was asleep too - knowing him he probably wasn’t. I sighed and looked at my phone blinking away the insomnia and through those blinks I saw that JongHyun was calling me. How did he always know when he was on my mind?

“JongHyun…”

“You are awake too…can’t you sleep?” his voice whispered softly. 

“Tonight seems like a night where time does not move…”

“I am too familiar with those nights-” his voice trailed off. 

A small silence fell between us, neither of us knew what to say or what could be said at this point. It felt so intense - I had been waiting for this moment for so long but now it was here I wasn’t sure on what to do or even what to say. 

“Can I see you? It is tomorrow, technically speaking.” a small chuckle left his mouth, and I thought to myself ‘why can I hear that smile of his?’

“It’s late though...I don’t want you traveling at this hour. You need your rest.”

“But I can’t sleep…I want to see you.” 

How could I say no to that petite seductive voice of his. After all this time...his voice was still my weakness.

“I’ll message you my address then JongHyun but if it’s too far - maybe I’ll meet you halfway.”

“You’re still the same.” he chuckles again, "I bet you're curled up in blankets right now like a bebe."

How does this feel so natural? Is there no hate existing between us? I kept waiting for the explosion of accusations and pointed fingers to come my way. Screaming matches were never a thing with JongHyun unless we were in bed...my mind trailed off too quickly into a naughty state. I snapped myself back into reality - I was the one to break things off after all, why..why was he being this way? Did I want him to hate me?

“I’m on my way - stay on the phone!” I heard Jonghyun speak up amongst the background noise of him getting ready to leave his current location, “I’ll be there soon okay?”

I sat by the door, waiting like a puppy - obeying their humans’ wishes. JongHyun checked that I was still awake here and there while he was updating me on how close he was. He really wasn’t too far from my location - had we been this close this entire time? Had we passed each other without knowing since it was our strange little habit to do so…I thought of that little dog - Roo?

“I’m here.” he says sweetly.

I peep out of the eyehole - all I could do was stare. JongHyun. He was there standing with the phone to his ear, engulfed by a black sweater. I was struck by the realization that I had let go of the person I loved the most and now here they are. Trusting me. I open the doors (both emotionally and physically) letting JongHyun in once again. I am greeted by a familiar figure with sparkling eyes and I feel dazed and confused. Jonghyun his head to the side - perhaps taking in my own presence in his world. We both laugh. The faint light of a lamp projects a slight glow - just enough for us to see each other but enough to remain a mystery. Another blinking game had begun for neither of us knew what to say…or what to do. Our bodies were inches apart and the magnetic connection was trying to pull us together but we were resisting. The temptation to let my guard down was strong. I wanted to fumble my way back to his lips…to be close. What was stopping me? It was the fact I could see the tiredness within Jonghyun’s eyes even in this soft glow. We stood in silence for a while. 

“JongHyun…” I whisper, “I want to hold you warmly without any space left.”

“You still use my words when you can’t figure out what to say?” he chuckles but shifts a little closer to me. 

“It became a habit that I couldn’t seem to shake off…” I inch myself closer to him, “I hate myself for trying to erase you without any regrets.”

“I really hate my heart that’s holding onto you again,” he sings with a sweet somber, “when I think of you, my day filled with sighs so long.” he reaches for my hand and holds it tenderly.

“I’ll use my own words from here - I needed the warm up…I’m sorry but you know how much I fumble over my words when I am emotional. JongHyun…I never told you why I broke things off and that was cruel of me, I was foolish and young back then,” I looked to the floor to help hold back the tears forming in my eyes but he softly lifted my head back up - a small gesture to tell me that it was okay , 

“I am so full of emotions right now JongHyun, I’m sorry but I will try my best - I was foolish in my ways. I saw the pain that it caused you to be away from me during those long tours, I saw how you wished to show me off as yours but had to be restrained by your own attempts to protect me - I saw it all even though you tried so hard to hide it all from me. In my own selfish thoughts too I felt that I was holding you back and that without me by your side you could thrive. I was wrong and I had to live with that information. I have made many mistakes in my life but the biggest mistake of mine was turning my back on you, time passes too quickly and I have missed too much now. You’ve grown and so have I - but instead of growing together we have now grown apart. Time passes…time passes…time passes and I can’t turn back the clock to return to change my decisions. How do I erase my foolish ways and how do I gain back the lost time? I can not and I hate myself for that. I am now here in front of you and I have never felt like such a fool.”

All we could do after my breathless attempt to voice my regrets was to play a blinking game - how many would happen during our encounters? JongHyun seems speechless and then suddenly our space is erased with one swift motion…JongHyun was kissing me. I leaned into the kiss allowing him to pin me further against the wall. His body was tightly pressed against mine - it felt so good and oh so natural. 

He broke away first - shocked at his own natural instinct. “I have to go.”

“Please don’t go.” I grabbed his arm. 

“ Look at us in our memories for a moment. You and me, the two of us inside good memories, We’re laughing, we’re crying. We’ve shared so many moments together. What kind of memories are you left with? Was I really that indifferent towards you? I want to ask you, I want to know. Am I really the only one left with good memories? It feels like I’m always alone. The stories you told me, I thought you were just whining. I thought you always felt the same as I do. Walking the same road as you, feeling the same way as you. Inside my delusion, inside my head, you looked happy-”

His face collapses with tears. I wipe them away slowly and softly; I steal his words again - not only to comfort him but once again I was lost - JongHyun was always the one with the gift of words.

“You’re still struggling, I’m so awful. Sorry, I’m so sorry. You’re struggling a lot, am I the only one okay? I’ll still apologize irresponsibly.”

“Where do we go from here - I don’t know how my heart truly feels.”

“I’ll wait for you JongHyun. I’m here.”

Holding him in my arms tightly - I wondered what was in store for us next.