Note: I went overboard with this chapter: 11000 words. I recommend, dear reader, that you read it in parts or go make yourself some tea and get comfortable. That's it.

 

She didn't know why she had done it. If someone had asked her, which Yuna didn't, why she hadn't taken the girl in her arms and kissed her like she had done so many times before, Ryujin wouldn't have known how to answer. Yuna seemed to be genuinely sorry, so much so that Ryujin couldn't help but cry, but... But... But what?

“I don't know,” she whispered to the loneliness of the room.

The screen of her phone went off due to inactivity, but Ryujin didn't notice. She continued to stare at the ceiling, thinking about the maknae and herself. There was a storm in her head, one she couldn't control. Not at the moment.

She turned off the lights and pulled the covers over herself. It was cold. Even though it was still early, she willed herself to sleep. In the few days since she and Yuna had made peace, sadness didn't come to Ryujin when it was time to sleep. Instead, she felt a slight dull ache in her chest and a sense that something was wrong.

 

---

 

Ryujin changed the channel again. And again, and again, and again. She couldn't find anything interesting on TV.

“Will you make up your mind for God's sake?” Yeji complained.

“If you don't like it, you can go that way,” Ryujin motioned to the dorm hallway.

“The hall belongs to everyone,” Yeji gave her a bad look.

Ryujin's retort was forgotten when Yuna entered the room. She looked a little lost.

“Good morning,” she waved.

“Early riser, huh?” Ryujin said. The clock read eleven in the morning.

Yuna stuck her tongue out at her and went, smiling, to the kitchen. Ryujin, also smiling, looked at Yeji, who was gawking at her.

“Have you gone back to being...?”

Ryujin's smile disappeared.

“Friends,” Ryujin completed. “Just that,” she whispered.

She ignored Yeji's questioning look and began to change channels.

 

---

 

Yeji hadn't said anything to her, but Ryujin knew the leader was relieved that she and Yuna were interacting naturally again. Gone were the strange looks on camera and the awkward air that was born when Ryujin was forced to talk to Yuna, or the other way around.

“It's not all right,” whispered a voice in some corner of Ryujin's mind.

She grimaced. Friends, why? She was sick of asking herself the reason, and even more sick of not knowing what to answer. Yuna's shocked face when she blurted out “I think we'd better just be friends for the time being” was stuck, in picture form, with bedbugs on her mental board.

If Chaeryeong had seen Ryujin while ruminating on the Yuna affair in her mind, she would be proud of her ability to mentally extrapolate to another place.

Ryujin thought she was slowly getting closer to the answer. She was now thinking that perhaps it was too soon to go back to Yuna, though it did not satisfy her as an absolute answer.

“What am I thinking?” she said aloud.

“It's impossible for me to know, sweetie.”

Ryujin gave a slight gasp. Her mother's voice. She had forgotten she was in the living room of her house. She burst out laughing.

“You're right, mom.”

 

---

 

“Ryujin-unnie,” Yuna called to her. “I need to talk to you.”

Ryujin cursed in her mind and turned around, looking at the girl standing at the threshold of the dormitory hallway. Ryujin ignored if Yeji, Jisu and Chaeryeong were asleep already.

“About what, and so late at night?” Ryujin said.

She was playing dumb, of course.

“You owe me an explanation,” Yuna said, hesitantly. “I've been waiting for you to... I don't know, come clean, and I think it's been a while for you to do so.”

“I do owe you,” Ryujin thought. She could have told Yuna she was sleepy and gone into her room, but deep down she knew she owed Yuna an explanation. Keeping the maknae on tenterhooks forever was not her intention.

“I'm relieved that my mistake is left behind,” Yuna continued, not waiting for Ryujin to give her the green light. “I really am, but I need to know... Why did you reject me? Why do you want to be just friends?”

Ryujin put a hand in her pocket, fiddling with the seams.

“I...” Ryujin said, “I think it would be best for us. ITZY, I mean. And for you and me, too.”

“I don't understand,” Yuna shook her head.

“During the three months we were estranged, we weren't the only ones affected. Yeji-unnie, Jisu-unnie and Chaeryeong also suffered. The times we were together, whether it was a photo shoot, recording the music video, or doing a live promo... They were uncomfortable. Because of us,” Ryujin struggled not to ramble, “What if we fight again and end up worse? What if it ends up affecting our performance as a group? It would hurt me, you, and them. Besides, you know how we'd have to live if we were...” the word "couple" refused to leave Ryujin's lips. “Something else,” she hated the cliché. “Going out again in fear is something I don't want to feel again, nor do I want to feel forced to…”

“I won't force you into anything you don't want in public,” Yuna said. The eagerness in her interruption was palpable. “I won't make that mistake again. It won't happen.”

The words rubbed between the two of them. Ryujin bit her lower lip.

“What if it happens, Yuna?” Ryujin asked. “What if you get carried away again? Can you assure me that it won't happen? Can you also assure me that you won't shut down and refuse to listen to me? Can you really?”

That was Ryujin's fear. She had just identified it, what she had been thinking about so much.

Yuna hesitated. Despite the darkness of the hallway, Ryujin noticed it.

“Yes, Ryujin-unnie.”

The words were ghosts around her. Ryujin gave the girl a languid smile, though she knew Yuna wouldn't get a good look at her face.

“You doubted, Yuna,” Ryujin turned and gripped the doorknob to her room. “Let this drown out. You'll get over it, and so will I. You'll meet someone who can give you what I can't: normalcy. Someone who isn't your co-worker. You'll want someone whose relationship doesn't bring problems for others. You will want someone like that by your side.”

“But I want you by my side, Ryujin,” Yuna sounded muffled and desperate. “I want you by my side.”

A sob came from down the hall, causing Ryujin's lower lip to start trembling, a star sign that she was trying hard not to cry.

“Let it die, Yuna,” Ryujin's voice trembled, but she held back the crying as best she could. “Let it die.”

Ryujin went into her room and closed the door, cutting off the sound of another sob from Yuna. She the light and staggered to her bed. She felt a hand squeeze her windpipe mercilessly.

She sat on her bed and clutched her pillow with trembling hands.

“Let it die,” she said, feeling her eyes sting. “Let it d-die.”

She pressed the pillow against her face and shed tears.

Her mind tortured her, reminding her that she would have to live with Yuna for several more years. The cry of rage and pain she let out was muffled by the pillow.

 

---

 

The voices fell silent. Jisu pretended to sleep when the door opened. She felt the bunk move as Yuna lay down on her bed. In fact, she seemed to slump against it.

Jisu wanted to say something, but the sobs told her it was better to be quiet. Although Yuna tried to silence herself, Jisu heard every sob and hiccup. She felt terrible for the girl.

She was only able to fall asleep when Yuna fell silent. She wished Yuna in her mind goodnight, which she thought was impossible.

 

---

 

She looked at the sheet containing her score. A red "B" next to the DANCE section. She stuck out her lower lip, deliberating.

“Not bad,” she concluded, “Although I need to try harder.”

She looked at her partner, waiting for her to share her results.

“A,” Yeji said, smiling.

Ryujin whistled. The whistle was lost in the hurried whispers of the other apprentices in the room.

“Excellent,” Ryujin said. “Your performance has improved tremendously, Yeji.”

“The days of getting a "D+" are behind me, and hopefully forever,” Yeji said excitedly. She looked at Ryujin's sheet. “A "B"? It's good.”

“Yeah, but...” Ryujin grimaced. “I want to get at least an "A" too.”

Yeji put a hand on her shoulder.

“Chaeryeong and I will help you do that,” she said.

“It's hard to keep up with you guys,” Ryujin said.

Lee Chaeryeong and Hwang Yeji were very, very good at dancing. So much so that Ryujin didn't think she could reach their level no matter how hard she tried.

The conversations were interrupted when someone entered the room. It was a tall black-haired girl.

“Is here?” she asked, more to herself than to the others.

“Who is she?” Ryujin whispered to Yeji.

“A new trainee?” Yeji shrugged.

A staff member came up behind the girl and whispered something in her ear. The tall girl opened her eyes wide.

“Ah? It’s not here! Excuse me,” she said nervously.

She left, following the staff member. The trainees, including Ryujin and Yeji, looked at each other quizzically, though conversations resumed soon after.

 Ryujin, however, was left thinking about the visitor.

 

---

 

Her stomach churned with excitement and nerves. When she was told that she would be participating in the campaign of the famous group BTS, she couldn't believe it. She would be filming a scene with one of the group's main dancers, J-Hope, for the LOVE YOURSELF Highlight Reel video.

She mentally went over the instructions as she headed to the filming location. It was still half an hour before people started arriving at the building, but Ryujin's nerves urged her to anticipate.

“I get a cake, then I walked into the room, I give it to J-Hope-sunbaenim and…”

She nearly collided with someone. Ryujin managed to dodge it in time, hearing a gasp of surprise coming from the person.

“Excuse me!” Ryujin bowed.

She straightened up, scanning the girl in front of her.

“How pretty,” was the first thing she thought when she saw her. When she had first seen her months ago, she hadn't been able to make out her physical features well. Now that she had her close, she could tell she was pretty, and when she grew up, she would be even prettier.

The girl shook her head hastily and bowed.

“No, no. Forgive me,” she said. “I was distracted.”

“Me too,” Ryujin said. “I'm nervous,” she added, not knowing why.

The girl smiled.

“Yes, I understand that,” she said, “I know almost nothing about idols and stuff, but it's impossible not to know BTS-sunbaenim.”

“Exactly,” Ryujin said. “Wait, what are you doing here?”

“I'm participating in a scene for the video,” the girl replied.

“She just told you that she will meet BTS, what else could she be doing here?” Ryujing thought. She wanted to slap her forehead.

“Ah, right. So am I,” Ryujin said. “Cheers, then,” Ryujin prepared to leave.

“Cheers to you, too,” the girl said cheerfully.

Ryujin gave her a smile and started walking.

“Wait!” the girls said.

Ryujin turned around, looking at her questioningly.

“I've seen you before, now that I remember,” she said. “Can you tell me your name?”

Ah? Uhm, yeah,” Ryujin cursed her nervous slurred speech. “Shin Ryujin.”

“Shin?” The girl giggled adorable, which Ryujin found very melodic. “We share the same last name.”

Ryujin raised her eyebrows.

“What a coincidence,” she said, genuinely surprised. Shin was not a common last name. “The name too?”

The girl giggled, causing Ryujin to smile out of inertia.

“No, not that. My name is Shin Yuna.”

 

---

 

She woke up with her heart pounding in her chest. She touched her face. It wasn't wet, which was becoming more and more common. She had been on a streak of days without waking up crying.

Ryujin sank her face into the pillow, wishing she didn't have to get up and go outside. She looked up. For a fleeting second, she didn't recognize the room. Then she remembered that she was at home and not at JYP. A sigh of relief escaped her lips.

Part of her wanted to stay locked in the room, but another part wanted nothing to do with the bed. She heeded the latter and went out into the living room, rubbing her eyes.

Once in the living room, she her phone. She looked out the window at the street. She felt a sudden weight in her lap, and looked down to find Byulie. She began to the cat's soft fur, wondering what Yuna was doing. As always, her heart gave a painful flutter at the thought of her companion. She was thankful she had messages to respond to. When she reached ITZY's chat room she paused, unsure whether or not to enter.

“Do it. Get used to it,” she said to herself.

Yeji: “I hope you guys are having fun at home 😊”

Yeji: “It's lucky that my grandma lives in Seoul”

Jisu: “Anytime you want you can stay at my house, unnie”

Yuna: “Oooooh, that's nice, Jisu-unnie”

Jisu: “ㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

Ryujin decided to join in.

Ryujin: “What a thing to talk about.”

Yeji: “Ah, you want a visit too, Ryujin?”

“I'd like to visit someone in particular, yes,” Ryujin thought. She shook her head, pushing the thought away.

Ryujin: “You'll have to walk here, because I'm not coming to get you.”

Yeji: “You're horrible ☹”

Jisu: “ㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

Yuna: “ㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

Yuna was doing her part. She and Ryujin had developed amazing abilities to elude each other. If Ryujin sensed that she was going to be left alone in some space with Yuna, she would find a way to slip away as naturally as possible. Sometimes Yuna would beat her to it, which Ryujin was silently grateful for. Only if there was someone else with them was Ryujin able to talk to Yuna. However, sooner or later one of the two would excuse herself and leave.

It was very hard to ignore someone who was part of your routine.

 

---

 

“Ryujin-unnie,” Yuna called.

Ryujin raised a hand and watched her approach, dodging the trainees.

“Hi, Yuna,” Ryujin greeted.

“I'm glad to see you,” Yuna gave her a beaming smile.

Ryujin's mood improved instantly. That was the effect of the energetic girl.

“Yeji-unnie, how are you?”

“Hi, Yuna. How have you been doing this month?”

Yuna showed them her sheet.

“B in most things,” she said proudly. “Although in dance I got a C,” she pouted.

“How adorable,” Ryujin blurted out without realizing it. Yeji and Yuna looked at her and she just coughed in embarrassment.

“Really? Is little Yuna's pout adorable?” Yuna said in a high-pitched voice.

“Ah, stop, stop.” Ryujin shuddered. “Aegyo creeps me out.”

Yuna and Yeji laughed.

“Well, I think we could invite Yuna to join our team for the next month,” Yeji said when they calmed down.

Yuna's eyes lit up.

“Seriously?”

Yeji nodded and looked at Ryujin, who also nodded.

Yuna clapped her hands and took her hands. Ryujin thought that she had soft hands.

“It will be great to be with you two and Chaeryeong-unnie!”

“It's going to be tough,” Ryujin said. “But we can teach you a thing or two.”

 

---

 

Yuna sat on the ground, huffing.

“You weren't lying when you said it was going to be really tough.”

Ryujin clicked her tongue in amusement. Yuna reminded her of her early days with Yeji.

“They're dancing monsters,” Ryujin said.

“You make me blush,” Yeji said, wiping her sweat with a towel.

Chaeryeong just smiled shyly.

“We're done for today,” Yeji announced.

As the future ITZY principal dancers were gathering up their gear, Ryujin approached Yuna.

“Do you want to go to the cafeteria?” she asked.

Yuna raised her head.

“Uh? Sure. It's still early.” The confirmation brightened Ryujin's mood.

They both headed to the cafeteria.

“If I hadn't been training almost every day for a year, I would have died a few hours ago,” Yuna said in her usual cheerful tone. “It's amazing that you can keep up with Yeji-unnie and Chaeryeong-unnie!”

Ryujin smirked.

“It's what has spent so much time with them,” she said. Don't worry, you'll get used to it and get better.

“Do you think so?” Yuna said uncertainly.

“I don't think so, I know,” Ryujin said.

“Now that you've told me that, I only have one option,” Yuna murmured.

She raised the drink to her lips, then looked out the window.

“This is pretty tough,” she said thoughtfully. “Sometimes I get scared, you know? Fear of tripping and being expelled. As the months go by, the fear is greater.”

Ryujin, who was sitting across from Yuna, leaned forward a bit and looked at her. She detailed Yuna's profile. Her jaw line, her nose, her eyebrows, and finally her lips. She had not been wrong when she, at the time of meeting her, she thought that she would be prettier as she matured.

“It's normal, Yuna,” Ryujin said. “I'm feel that too. We're all feel that, even Yeji and Chaeryeong.”

Yuna looked at her.

“Seriously?”

“Of course,” Ryujin said. “The trick is not to be dominated by fear. Having good companions helps a lot.”

“I've noticed that,” Yuna said. “Being with you guys has helped me.” she smiled.

Ryujin really liked her smile. It was like a ray of light, no matter how dark the place was.

“You helped me too, Yuna,” Ryujin replied. “Well, you helped us,” she corrected, hoping to avoid a misunderstanding. The jovial girl had indeed helped her, but telling Yuna directly was embarrassing for Ryujin.

“That's good to hear,” Yuna leaned back in her seat.

Ryujin sipped her drink before it got cold. A pleasant silence settled around them both. Yuna broke it by tapping her fingernail on the table.

“Alright,” Yuna said. “I'll be sure to train hard to stay here. To stay with you.”

Yuna had her attention fixed on the window, so she didn't notice Ryujin's blush. She covered with one hand.

“With me?” Ryujin said against her palm.

“Mm-hm,” Yuna said. “You're one of the first people I talked to when I came to JYP. I feel like we have good synergy.”

Ryujin blinked. Suddenly she felt a renewed desire to move forward.

“How nice,” Ryujin didn't know what else to say. “Then I'll keep trying, too. For me, for you and for the others.”

“For me, for you and for the others,” Yuna repeated.

Yuna's phone rang. She glanced at it and finished her drink.

“My father has arrived,” she said as she stood up. “See you, Ryujin-unnie.”

Yuna said goodbye with a nice smile, which Ryujin reciprocated with another.

That smile was becoming important to her.

 

---

 

Ryujin didn't understand what was going on with those vivid dreams of her past as a trainee. They occurred sporadically, causing her to wake up with a racing heart. As if having to deal with seeing Yuna day in and day out wasn't enough, she was also appearing in her dreams.

Why were they so vivid?

“Because you miss her,” a voice said in her head.

“Hell no,” Ryujin whispered against the pillow.

She couldn't admit it was true.

For her sake, Ryujin couldn't admit it.

“It'll pass,” she whispered, pulling the sheets tighter. “You'll just have to endure a couple of months and you'll be better.”

A little circle of moisture appeared on the pillow, where a tear fell.

She sat up in bed, pinching the bridge of her nose, letting her mind go blank so the tears wouldn't be spurred by her thoughts. When the threat of crying had passed, she got out of bed. It was six o'clock in the morning on a day off, but Ryujin refused to sleep any longer.

 

---

 

“An A!” Yuna exclaimed as she approached the trio of Yeji, Ryujin and Chaeryeong.

“Congratulations,” Ryujin said smiling, proud of the girl.

She reached out to pat Yuna's shoulder, but Yuna dodged it and wrapped her in a hug. Ryujin's eyes widened like saucers and she was speechless. Yuna's body vibrated as she laughed.

She peeled herself off Ryujin, not realizing the look on her face, and went to hug Yeji and then Chaeryeong.

“Thank you, thank you!” Yuna repeated as she hugged them.

Yeji and Chaeryeong were also surprised by the girl's affection, but not as much as Ryujin.

“The thanks are for yourself,” Yeji said. “You're the one who earned it.”

“That's right, Yuna,” Chaeryeong echoed.

“You created most of the choreography,” Yuna said, swaying back and forth. “I'm not good at that sort of thing, so without it....”

“No way,” Chaeryeong said. “We may have done it, but the one who executed it perfectly was you.”

Ryujin and Yeji expressed their agreement. Yuna's face lit up. It lit up in a way that Ryujin knew well by now, and yet it was always pleasant to see.

“Are we celebrating or what? The three of us did well too,” Ryujin said.

“I'd love to, but my grandmother wants me home early today,” Yeji pouted, uncharacteristically of her.

“And my sister told me to go out with her. She wouldn't let me refuse,” Chaeryeong said apologetically.

“What a ,” Ryujin blurted out.

Yeji glared daggers at her, Chaeryeong's features twisted into a scandalized expression and Yuna said vehemently:

“Don't swear, it's wrong!”

Ryujin burst out laughing, despite Yeji's murderous look.

“I'm sorry,” Ryujin said when she calmed down, “It's just that I really wanted us to go out together. It's been a while since we've done that.”

“Tomorrow we can,” Chaeryeong said. “I promise”

Yeji's eyes softened.

“Yep,” she said.

“Well, that's okay,” Ryujin shrugged. “I'll go to the cafeteria anyway.”

“I'll go with you,” Yuna said, gathering her things and cheering Ryujin up. She wouldn’t be alone.

They said goodbye to Yeji and Chaeryeong and headed to the cafeteria.

They both stopped when they heard someone's voice filtering in from a nearby practice room. Ryujin and Yuna looked at each other, quizzical. Was someone still practicing? The voice was fluctuating up and down. The person was singing. Ryujin thought she was doing very well.

Curious, Ryujin peeked into the room. The voice belonged to a girl with a round, beautiful face. Yuna peeked behind Ryujin, and had no trouble seeing because she was taller than her.

When the girl noticed that she had an audience, her face was tinged with pink and adorned with a smile. The smile reached all the way to her eyes, which also smiled. Ryujin stared longer than she should have, but could anyone blame her? The girl was pretty.

Choi Jisu was her name.

“That girl sang well,” Yuna said once they were seated across from each other in the cafeteria.

“She sure did,” Ryujin confirmed. “I think she's the best-voiced trainee I've ever heard.”

“Besides, she's pretty,” Yuna said with a mischievous smile.

A fleeting grimace crossed Ryujin's face.

“What was that?” Yuna leaned forward, scanning her face. “Jealousy?”

“What? No,” Ryujin said, perhaps too quickly.

Yuna smiled and as she did so she bit her lower lip, leaving a face that Ryujin found dizzying in how beautiful it was.

“Easy, Ryujin-unnie,” Yuna cooed. “My favorite unnie is you.”

Ryujin felt her face burning. Those kinds of reactions in front of Yuna were becoming more and more frequent and Ryujin didn't know what to attribute it to.

Yuna settled back in her seat, laughing.

“Well, she's cute,” Ryujin said matter-of-factly as she recovered. “But I'll stick with Yeji, actually,” she said it like someone talking about the weather.

She looked at the window, feeling Yuna's gaze penetrate it. She was no longer laughing.

“Her catlike eyes... They're quite pretty. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about them, you know?”

Yuna growled. Ryujin smiled sideways.

“What was that? Jealousy?” she mimicked.

“Bah.”

“Just kidding,” Ryujin said looking at her, amused.

“I know, silly.”

“Anyway,” Ryujin waved a hand. “We're doing well with the evaluations! I'm relieved.”

“Me too. Besides, I feel more confident,” Yuna confessed. “Before, when I couldn't be with you and the others, I almost panicked,” she sipped her coffee. “Now, when that happens, I try to remember your advice. It helps me a lot.”

“I'm glad to hear that,” Ryujin said. “I'm really glad to hear that. We don't know if we'll make our debut, but we're doing great. Trainees have come and gone, but we've held our own for a while now.”

“Do you think we'll make it?” Yuna looked at her.

Ryujin clasped her hands behind her head.

“Yeah,” she said. “I think so.”

Ryujin was optimistic about it.

“I came into this without knowing much about show business,” Yuna said, “and as I've gotten further along... Debuting is getting more and more exciting.”

“Me too, but for now we have to be totally focused on training.”

“I'd like to debut with you, Ryujin-unnie,” Yuna said quietly.

The comment caught Ryujin off guard. She blinked repeatedly.

“For me... For me that would be the ultimate,” Ryujin replied.

Yuna brought her hand to her hair and ruffled it. The hair fell in new ways across her face and Ryujin thought, not for the first time, that she was beautiful. She had never told her so, but Ryujin thought it all the time.

“Debuting with the first friend I made here would really be the ultimate,” Yuna added.

The happiness that grew in Ryujin at the comment made her smile in such a way that she thought her face would split in two.

“There they are!” Yuna sai