Song: 'I'll be there' by Chen

So... they finally meet again

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I’ll be there, in your memories
I’ll lay asleep there in your heart
In the birthday card you held blowing out candles
And in front of your door where I kissed you good night
I’ll be there, always by your side
I’ll be breathing, soundlessly
Let’s meet at the end of our memories

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Jongdae stared open-mouthed at the feline eyes gazing back at him, and all at once, everything came flooding back to him.

The schoolyard where they first met.  Where Jongdae had defended him from bullies, where they had sworn to always stick up for each other.  The games of soccer and chess that had strengthened their bond.  The days spent after school at each others’ places where they grew up together, in Jongdae’s room where they had their first kiss, and confessed their love to each other.  The bar they had gone to on their first date, when they were finally both legal adults.  The same night in a hotel room where they had their first time, and had spent it trying to memorise every inch of each others’ skin. 

The day Jongdae had sent him off to the army; a parting that was filled with tears and promises.  The night before, when Jongdae had helped him shave his head, and had the favour returned to him two years later when it was his time to enlist.  The countless letters and phone calls they had exchanged in the years apart, and the breaks in between when they spent every waking moment catching up on all the lost time together.  The reunions that were filled with joy and bliss. 

The jewellery shop where Jongdae had bought their engagement rings.  The hiking vacation they had taken across Hallasan, and at its peak where they had watched the sunset, before Jongdae knelt on one knee and proposed to him. 

The day they got married at Seokchon Lake Park while surrounded by friends and family.  Their matching white suits.  The vows they had exchanged underneath the shade of cherry blossom branches, where they had put on each others’ rings and kissed.  Their matching wedding rings: Jongdae’s ring was gold and lined with silver, while his husband’s was silver and lined with gold.  It was the day they had truly fulfilled their desire to be lifelong partners.

Countless memories filled with smiles, laughter, comfort and happiness.  A love that was so strong, it felt like magic.  A love that Jongdae once couldn’t imagine surviving without. 

The road trip on their anniversary that ended it all.

The tunnel.  The poor decision Jongdae had made to take his eyes off the road.  The semi-trailer.  The fatal right-turn.  The wreckage.  The lifeless body that lay on the stretcher.  The paramedics who pulled the sheet over him and wheeled him away from Jongdae, who could do nothing but wail. 

The funeral.  The white roses Jongdae had placed on his husband’s casket, that would never be enough to express his remorse for the tragedy that was his own doing.  His in-laws who were at the funeral, whom Jongdae couldn’t bear to look in the eye, for he was the reason why they had to witness their much-loved family member being lowered into his grave.

The regret.  The guilt.  The unbearable grief.  The endless nightmares.  Countless hours spent crying alone in his room.  The aftermath of his loss that had left Jongdae with nothing but a shell of himself.

The day after work when he’d been driving home. The busy intersection where Jongdae had seen him – or thought he’d seen him – where the van had run into Jongdae and he’d heard his voice.  The same voice that had been calling for him and singing for him since he woke up in that swamp – and had finally brought him here.

Right back to the love of his life, who now stood before him.

“M-… Minseok?” Jongdae choked out, his voice hardly a squeak.

“Hello, Jongdae.” spoke Minseok, who beamed back at him.

Jongdae couldn’t move, and only started moving when he felt a hand gently push him forward – it was Suho’s.

He didn’t register either Suho or Irene leading him down the path to the stage; all of his attention was fixated on Minseok.  Like Suho and Irene, Minseok was also dressed in white, wearing a thin white buttoned shirt, a loose white tie around his collar and white pants.  As they got closer, Jongdae thought Minseok looked absolutely breathtaking; more beautiful than he had ever seen him before.  Never had Minseok looked as ethereal as he did now; he radiated a divine energy that Jongdae could both see and feel. 

Which led Jongdae to wonder: just how had Minseok been doing while he was in this place?

Once Jongdae finally stood in front of Minseok, he was faced with his radiant smile.  At first, Jongdae scrambled for words; this was all too surreal, for he never believed he would ever see his late husband again, let alone be standing right in front of him.

Luckily, Minseok was the first one to break the silence.  “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” he quipped.

“Y-Yes it has, indeed.” Jongdae chuckled nervously, before he asked what he wanted to say.  “Um – how are you?”

Minseok inhaled deeply before giving an answer.  “To be honest, I’ve never felt happier.  I’m surrounded by amazing people who have taken such great care of me, and I feel truly at ease, like I have nothing to worry about.  I feel like I have everything I could possibly need here. 

“Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about you, my dear.” he continued, taking Jongdae’s hand in his.  Jongdae held on tightly to make sure Minseok was real, and indeed he was.  His hand was warm and his grip firm as it had always been, back when he was alive.

“It doesn’t mean that the time we've had together means nothing to me.  It means just as much to me as what I have now.  Loving you has been the most beautiful adventure I’ve ever had, and I will forever be grateful and treasure your love.  And there is no one whom I love – who I will ever love – more than you.”

While it brought Jongdae some comfort to hear that Minseok was happy; to hear him reaffirm his love for Jongdae, even in death, while looking at him with a gaze that held so much warmth and adoration – it broke a dam of emotions that had long been hidden inside of him.

“Minseok,” he gasped, his breath shuddering.  “I- I’m so sorry… We – we said we’d always protect each other – We promised… and I-…I-”

And then Minseok was holding his face in his hands, wiping away tears Jongdae didn’t even know he’d been crying.  Jongdae clutched onto Minseok like he would be taken away from him again at any moment.

“Jongdae,” Minseok breathed.  “You don’t have to worry about protecting me anymore.  I am already safe here, and I’ve got good people looking out for me.” He nodded towards Suho and Irene.

“B-but I failed you!” stammered Jongdae.  “I- I let you die… None of this would have happened if I-”

Minseok pressed a finger against Jongdae’s lips to shush him.  “It was a tragic accident.” he consoled.  “It could have happened to anyone.  Unfortunately, it just happened to be me.  Please don’t blame yourself for what happened; I have already forgiven you.  If anything, I am just as much to blame as you are; I should have told you to keep your eyes on the road.”

This only made Jongdae sob harder.  “You are far too kind… I don’t deserve you.”

And Minseok was pulling him into his arms, where Jongdae wrapped his arms around him and cried helplessly into his shoulder.  He cried harder than he ever had before, months of pain pouring out of him in waves, his whole body shaking violently while Minseok rubbed soothing circles into his back.

“Dae, please don’t ever say that.” Minseok murmured.  “Don’t you ever say that.  What you really don’t deserve is to put yourself through this pain because of me, or because of what happened.  There’s nothing we can do to change the past, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to suffer for the rest of your life.  You deserve to heal, after what you’ve been through, and more.”

“But how?” Jongdae wept.  “I miss you so much, I feel like I can’t even breathe, let alone live!”

“Dae, listen to me.” Minseok stopped hugging Jongdae to look him straight in the eye.  Jongdae did his best to keep his sobs under control so he couldn’t miss what Minseok had to tell him.

“Dae, I never left you.” said Minseok.  “I have always been with you, right here,” he pointed at Jongdae’s forehead, “and here.” he pointed at Jongdae’s chest, where his heart was.  “And I always will be.  I have been watching you all along, and it hurts me to see what you’ve put yourself through.  You deserve to live your life without being held back by anything, not even me.”

Then Minseok took Jongdae’s left hand and held it up, while holding up his own.

“You see these rings?” Up until now, Jongdae had completely forgotten about the gold ring on his wring finger, and he saw that Minseok still wore his own silver ring.  “The day I married you, when we made those vows, I meant every word I said when I told you that I’ll always cherish and love you, no matter what life throws at us.  You think death will stop that?  Hell, no – I’m not about to give up those vows anytime soon.  I love you too much for that.”  There was a newfound determination in Minseok’s voice, and a glint of something staunch and resolute in his eyes.  “I will continue to do what I promised, to love you and protect you and have your back, even if I won’t be with you in person.  You may not think you fulfilled your promises to me, Jongdae, but I believe you did your very best to fulfil them, right up until the very end.  In the time we had together, you gave me everything I needed – and that’s more than enough for me.”

Once again, Minseok was holding Jongdae’s face in his hands.  “All I ask is that you be strong for me, and that you continue to live your life, just like we did together: happily without any regrets.”

“W-Why can’t I stay here with you?” Jongdae whimpered.

“Because it’s not time for you yet.  You still have so much of your life left to live, and you are needed back down below.  You have people down there who love you and depend on you, and who you also love and need, too.  It wouldn’t be fair to them for me to keep you here all to myself, even though I would love to. Because your life is precious and it matters; it’s still too soon to just cast it away.  There is so much more to life than grief and loss.  That’s why you have to go back.  Just because I’m not there – or at least not there physically – it doesn’t mean that you’re alone.  Please turn to the people who are important to you when you need it the most – that’s what they’re there for.”

“And don’t forget what I told you,” spoke Irene, whose presence Jongdae had also nearly forgotten about.  “One day, after you’ve finished living your life, you will return, and we’ll be waiting to welcome you again with open arms.”

“Exactly!” exclaimed Minseok, his face lit up in pure joy – a face Jongdae only now remembered missing so much.  “Before you know it, you’ll be back in my arms where you belong, you just need to be patient.  In the meantime, I’ll be waiting and watching over you, just like I have been.  Trust me, you have nothing to fear or worry about.”

“You sure?” asked Jongdae, who was still quivering inside with uncertainty.

“Of course I am.” replied Minseok.  “Death is merely the end of life.  It doesn’t have to be the end of us, or our love.”

It was as though an immense, crushing weight had been lifted from Jongdae’s shoulders.  How could he have ever doubted Minseok’s love for him, or that it had no bounds?  And it was only now, in this heavenly space, when he looked back on his life after Minseok’s death, that he truly realised just how miserable and exhausting it had been.  Maybe it really didn’t have to be that way.  If Minseok said it was possible to be happy, and to live his life as he always had when he had Minseok by his side – then it had to be the truth, wasn’t it?  For as far as Jongdae knew, only truth could exist in this realm. So if it was truly possible to heal, to move on from that tragic accident, and not let it stop him from living his life fully – then it was worth giving it a shot, wasn’t it?

Jongdae wrapped himself around Minseok again, who eagerly returned his embrace.  He held him closer and tighter than he ever had; he wanted to absorb all of Minseok and his love into his soul before the inevitable time came for them to part ways again.

“I love you so much.” he whispered into Minseok’s cheek.

“And I love you, too.” whispered Minseok, who pressed a soft, chaste kiss against Jongdae’s lips.  “Please don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.”

For a while that felt like an eternity, they stood there in each others’ arms, leaning forehead to forehead, their souls intertwined.  In this moment, Jongdae had never felt closer to Minseok than he did now.  They were truly unbreakable. 

Jongdae wanted this moment to last forever, but of course, all good things came to an end.  He heard footsteps approaching him.

“Jongdae, it’s almost time for you to go.” spoke Suho.

The pair released themselves from their embrace and Jongdae turned towards Suho and Irene.  There was something he needed to tell them.

“I just want to say… thank you for taking care of Minseok.  It really means a lot to me.”

“Don’t you worry about Minseok,” assured Suho with a firm smile.  “He’s in good hands.”

“Promise you’ll be strong for me?” implored Minseok.

Jongdae turned back towards his love, saw the earnest devotion in those eyes, and it gave him strength.  “Yes, I will.” he nodded.  “I promise.  And I’m glad to hear that you’re happy and doing well here … I think I can live while knowing that.”

“Oh, I know you can.” insisted Minseok.  “I have faith that you will.”

Just then, the lights in the clearing slowly started to become brighter and brighter.

“When you go back,” said Minseok, “tell my family that I love them and that I am grateful for everything they’ve done for me.  Let them know that I am happy and at ease, and I hope they are looking after each other.  Can you do that for me, please?”

“Yes, I will.” Jongdae nodded frantically.  He would do anything for Minseok.

Soon the lights were so bright that they were almost blinding.  Jongdae could only just make out Minseok’s face in front of him, the others were too hard to see.  Yet he could still hear Minseok clearly, though.

“Remember, Jongdae,” he called out.  “This isn’t a goodbye.  Whenever you need me, all you need to do is think of me, and I’ll be there.  I’ll be watching down on you, and we will meet again.  I’ll be waiting for you, my love.”

Then the ground disappeared from Jongdae’s feet, and he was falling, falling, away from Minseok, away from the forest, until they were all out of sight.  As he fell, Jongdae was enveloped in brilliant illuminance, and all he could hear were echoes of Minseok’s voice, barely a whisper.

“I will always be there.”

🕊✨🕊

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Once again, I'm sorry if I made you cry. I also cried while writing this chapter... my heart 😭😭😭