Song: 'I'm Not Okay' by Chen

I’m not okay, I’m not well
I still have you in a corner of my heart
There’s no way I can be happy
There’s no way I can be alright
Why don’t you know?

The blaring of Jongdae’s alarm stirred him from his dreamless sleep, prompting his usual autopilot response: he shut it off before extricating himself from the sheets.  He had somewhat gotten used to being woken up by his alarm instead of his husband’s soothing, familiar voice; but the pain that had plagued him since that day never seemed to end.  Each morning only reminded him of how the bed, and the room it occupied, felt too big; reminded him of how empty his house was – of the emptiness in his soul that was left by his loss.

Jongdae headed to the bathroom, half expecting to see Minseok trailing behind him in the mirror.  Seeing only himself in the mirror was something he had yet to get used to, too.  But he brushed it off, like he always did, directing his focus on getting ready for the mundane day ahead.  Dwelling upon Minseok’s absence was useless anyway; no amount of regret would ever bring him back.

He put all of his energy into focusing on the tasks that made up his morning routine: making breakfast, coffee, eating said breakfast before changing into his work clothes.  He tried not to pay too much attention to the wedding ring on his finger, yet he vaguely registered the cool metal enclosing his skin.  At least Jongdae could still take some part of Minseok with him wherever he went. 

Probably the hardest part of living without his husband was the overwhelming silence that had filled the house since his passing.  Whereas Jongdae’s mornings had once been filled with soft greetings, banter, laughter, ‘I love you’s and promises to take care as they left for work – now all that was left was silence.  And he knew that silence would greet him once again when he returned home, where no one would ask him how his day was, or make plans with him for future date nights, or kiss him goodnight and hold him until he fell asleep.  Jongdae felt the silence more than heard it; it was palpable beyond anything he’d ever felt, reinforcing the emptiness that had taken over his life and offered him no reprieve. 

It was quite fitting that an empty house was home to an empty shell of a person like him.  What had once been their home was now his prison, one that Jongdae was all too eager to leave for work, where he could forget that Minseok never waved him goodbye like he used to, and never would.

There was no point in denying it – Jongdae didn’t believe he would ever get used to living without him.         

✨🕊✨

😢😢