Dongwan can’t help but to stifles his laugh with the way Junjin looking so ecstatic right now. He drags Dongwan to his front door from the elevator cheerily, like a kid that being so excited showing his friend his home for the first time so they can play together.

After what they went through last night, Dongwan does wonder with Junjin ability to still has lot of energy. Because to be honest, the only thing he wants to do right now is crashing his body on the bed and sleep.

“You can use this room hyung,” Junjin still holding Dongwan’s hand, opens up the second door on the hallway, “I didn’t do any renovation from last year, and you can open the window if you need it. I’ll get my humidifier and put it here. Don’t worry.”

Chuckles, Dongwan taking a look at Junjin’s guest bedroom. “It just for one night or so, Jin. And I can always books a motel or something, I’ll help myself. It’s you who don’t need to worry much.”

Dejected with Dongwan’s respons, Junjin’s pouting at his hyung. “You should stay here, or I will follow you around.”

“What with the face?” Dongwan laughing at Junjin. But Junjin just ignores him, drags him again to the kitchen, then let go Dongwan’s hand so he can opens up his fridge.

“Lucky for you I did my grocery shopping two days ago,” Junjin says proudly, “just eat anything you want hyung, I’ve some side dish too. And instant rice, also some snacks here,” he moves to opens the build in shelves above his head, showing up a variants of instant ramyeon, rice, snacks and everything. “or if you too tired to cook, you can just order from the delivery service, I order a lot too, I’ll share some my favourite restaurant, and you—“

“Yak! I’m just living outside Seoul, not under the rock or something, silly!” Dongwan elbows Junjin stomach, hard but in joking manner. “and I almost forty, Jinnie. I can take care of myself, thank you very much for your concern, hyung will do just fine here, now—it’s you who need to prepare yourself, you’ve your schedule to attend soon. Don’t worry, when you’re back, hyung will still here.”

“It’s your first time staying over at my home, I want to do my best like you did to me everytime I visit your house,” again, Junjin pouts his lips. He takes something from his jacket’s pocket, “and you don’t need to waiting for me and bored yourself hyung. Here, from Eric hyung.”

Dongwan glances at the card on the table, “What is this?”

“Card to access our company,” Junjin smiles a little, “after you rest, if you want to walks or something, you can always go there. It’s near from here, and some of us have full schedule till night today, we can’t really accompanying you. So we decided to, you know—just if you want and comfortable of course, you can come around and take a look, hyung. But if you just want to stay here, it’s okay too. No pressure or anything.”

Suddenly, Junjin just babbling and avoids Dongwan’s eyes. Making Dongwan tsk his tongue, then touches Junjin’s arm to stop his long talking.

“Even if I ask or beg all of you to not feel guilty or blame yourself, you can’t do that, right? We’ll live with this feeling for some time, huh?”

“Eo,” Junjin nods and chuckles bitterly, “it’ll be unfair too. It’s our feeling and with the circumstances, it’s natural for us to have this feeling right now. It makes you uncomfortable or something maybe. But let us have this, I don’t know till when, but yeah—we can’t stop this just because you ask, hyung.”

If someone ask Dongwan, what makes Junjin special in his eyes—then this situation is perfect answer for that. Junjin is always so honest with his genuine feeling. He’s strong outside but so soft and thoughtful inside. He can be so sensitive with his own feeling but still taking extra miles to understand others feeling and then trying to be a considerate person.

“Jin..”

“Hmm?”

“Why you never ask me?”

It’s a vague question if others listen to it—but both of them know the context well. It almost year for Junjin to has Dongwan in his life again. It almost year for Dongwan to let Junjin come to his life again. They spend lot of times together, Junjin has too much time to ask the question but he never did.

“Funny enough hyung,” Junjin gives Dongwan small smile, “I talked about this with Minwoo some nights ago, I told him, I just don’t want to be greedy. I’m just happy you accept me again. I do curious, but deep down I was afraid I think, if I ask you that, you’ll running again from my life.”

Junjin’s whispering his last sentence while glancing at Dongwan. “But after knowing the truth, to be honest—I feel somewhat relieved?” He lets out a bitter laugh, “it may sound selfish, but If I know the truth before the others and need to keep it alone, I think, I couldn’t do that. I’d just crumble under the pressure.”

“I’m the selfish one.”

“Cut the crap, hyung.” Junjin shakes his head. “Even if I try, I will not feel the same pain you feel, it takes a lof of things from you. It changes your life, your world. It changes you. And it’s okay, hyung. I’ll accept that, but please don’t downgrade yourself like that.”

It’s such a heavy talks to do in the morning, seeing a morning news feels so much lighter right now. But they need to talk—Dongwan need to learn to face the question, the situation. And Jinnie is the right choice for the start. 

“Do I change so much, Jin?”

“Of course you do, hyung. You used to be the rebel, I mean we’re group of the rebels, but it’s you who used to starting the whole situation. You had that kind of ability too, say no when everyone say yes or the opposite, you lived with your own way and I did admire you for that, you still remember those days, right?”

Dongwan nods his head, looking fondly at Junjin. Junjin used to be an innocent high schoolers who  follows his hyung anywhere, and Dongwan used want to be a cool big brother. As a new trainee and addition to the group back then, they used take each other side, being close since day one.

“You always so brave and take a responsibility for everything happen around you, especially for your mom and family, an independence person. I used to want grow up like you, till I realize, that’s not an easy thing to do.”

“It’s such a relieved then you’re not turn as an adult like me.”

“Hyung!”

The way Junjin glares at him, silenced Dongwan—he then gives a sheepish smile to Junjin. Well, at least he can still talks nonsense on the wrong time—still Dongwan being Dongwan.

“Those traits of mine were the things which lead us to this situation.” Dongwan rubs his hair, looking away to the big window on Junjin’s living room, “I used to have confidence to solve every problems that come into my life, I always survived everything. I believed in myself so much back then, if only I cut my pride and ask for help, it’d be lot different, right?”

“Knowing you in the past, I understand why you did that. It’s just you being you, to be honest,” Junjin covers up Dongwan hand with his own hand, then squeeze it gently, “it’s us who didn’t do what we used to, like—I should’ve called you when you started getting off the radar, I should just coming over to you, following you around, annoying you the way I used to do.”

Like a circle, it comes to this point again—blame themselves over the guilts they feel. But Junjin’s right, it’ll be unfair for Dongwan to asks them to stop, it’ll be unfair for himself too. They need to let out everything so they can emptying their heart and start over. 

“Which one do you like?” Dongwan turn back his gaze to Junjin again, “hyung from ten years ago, or hyung you met last year?”

Junjin looking at his hyung, he looks tired but still looking at him with softening eyes, “because I can’t turn back the time and fix the way I handled this ten years ago, the only thing I can do right now to ease and forgive myself, is accepting you, hyung. Whichever side you feel comfortable to be, it’s okay hyung. Just, trust us this time. Come to us. Don’t go anywhere anymore.”

Let out a deep sigh, Dongwan pats Junjin cheek softly. “Our Park Choongjae growing up as mature man, hyung is proud.”

Giggling with the sudden affection, Junjin then opens up his arms, making Dongwan also laughing and let his body being hug by Junjin. This is good—a honest talk is good for them.

The buzz from Junjin’s phone surprised both of them, they let each other body, Junjin take out his phone and his eyes bulging out comically.

“Crap! Hyung I’m late,” he scrambles over, “my manager already waiting, and I need to go now. Just enjoy yourself here, hyung.”

Gives Dongwan a quick hug again, Junjin just kinda running to the front door—let the door closed with a bang, and leaving Dongwan alone.

Dongwan takes a glance at his surrounding, walks over to the customize shelves on the wall, standing quietly, looking at the lining up of awards trophies Junjin put on the first and second shelves, and Shinhwa albums on the third shelves.

When he starts over his life, after his public service ended and told his mom he wanted to learn Japanese in Japan, he got rid of everything—maybe his mom still save them secretly, but at that time, he just can’t bring himself to look at any traces about the group, about the life he forced to forget.

It takes him almost two years till he can listen to their songs without flinching or had the tendency to throwing up. It takes him much longer years till he can says the name of the group and his ex-members without tears suddenly fills up his eyes. It takes a countless bottles of Soju and Beer, a years of sleepless night, a severe insomnia, a cruel nightmares, an endless hating on himself and everything in between. It takes so much from him till finally he can start living as a human again.

Dongwan sits himself on the floor, takes one of their album—their first one, the one that launched them to Industry, not so succes but it’s their start line. It’s the one who made Dongwan met a bunch of teenagers with a same dream, fight for the same dream, live the same dream.

He looks at the frame photo Junjin put in the middle—the six of them. Looking so young and bright and confidence. 

Minwoo put his hand on Dongwan’s shoulder at that photo, they look happy. Smile so wide at the camera. And Dongwan still remember that time very well—their first holiday after their debut, the first time in his life, he realizes his feeling about Minwoo. His best friend.

His tip of finger touches Minwoo’s face delicately, twenty years ago, ten year ago, last week or today. He doesn’t look much different.

Hours ago, when Minwoo hugs him and cries on his shoulder, when they let go their guard, embraces each other after ten agonizing years between them. For Dongwan it feels more intimate than week ago when Minwoo helps him with his panic attack—it feels more raw but deeper. 

Minwoo hurting himself because Dongwan tells the truth about what happened, hurts Dongwan too. 

It takes so much for Dongwan to living again—but even on his darkest days, his worst nightmare, his lowest state, not even once he stops loving Minwoo. The fact that Minwoo has his life, continues his dreams, achieves all the things Minwoo used to hopes, never fails to give Dongwan an extra braveness, to accept tomorrow, to face day after day, to not quit but keep try to living.

Dongwan got rid of everything about them—except one thing, one photo, Minwoo photo.

.

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It’s 2PM-ish something when Dongwan arrives at the entrance of Shinhwa Company. Looking at the tall and modern building, feeling proud with his friends achievement. When the news about the compan