You can see the world, following the seasons
Anywhere you go, you don't need a reason
'Cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

- 'Matilda' by Harry Styles

Lee Jeno's parents left roughly eight years ago. It wasn't a secret, but it also wasn't something he told people; really he'd only ever told ten people, seven of which are his best friends, one is Kang Mira, his best friend's girlfriend, and the other two were therapists his grandma forced him to see right after everything went down. To this day Jeno isn't sure if the therapy actually helped. He's mostly gotten over the inability to open up to others that had heavily affected him in the two years preceding their exit from his life. But, he still looked at money with a type of disdain, and a fear of who he would become if he ever became too successful. Which seems like a silly thing, most people would feel unhappy with a paycheck that is enough to just get them by, but when you see the two people who are supposed to love you the most come into a large sum and then leave you because they were finally able to...well, it creates an odd relationship with something that's otherwise nice to have.

'Jeno, you're so giving.'

'I'll pay you back-'

'You don't have to.'

'Really?' 

 Those kinds of conversations surrounded him in middle school, when he just wanted to get rid of the weight of the allowance in his pocket. He grew up, of course, and stopped spending just to empty his wallet, but for a while he blamed anything he could; just so he didn't have to diminish the memories he had with his parents. Now, he's accepted the things they did, and he didn't not tell people out of some left over pain and hope that they would come back into his life--he had his grandma, his brother, and his friends to fill any leftover space in his heart--he just didn't tell people because  he didn't think it was a lively topic of conversation. And it rarely came up. So, how does Kim Soeun claim to know anything about him? She could be saying that she's also been rejected by a close friend who then started dating another one of her close friends...but that just didn't seem likely. And why do Mira and Mark seem to know more about her than he does? He's the one who danced with her at the dance. He's the one who talked with her for hours about nothing and everything. He's the one who asked for her number.  And he's the one who kissed her and never called. 

Ah. Maybe he didn't even have the right to want to know what she meant. But, it was burning a hole in his mind. He thought about it on the whole drive home from school, he only stopped thinking of it when he walked in his house and was thrown into the rustle and bustle of party preparations. "Are all your friends coming?" Grandma Lee asked, looking out of the window to check on Jun, who was currently running around outside with all his friends. 

"Yeah, they should be here anytime, I think most of them got home yesterday." Jeno would have gotten home yesterday as well, if not for the Friday evening shift that got thrown at him because Jules had come down with the flu. 

Grandma Lee smiled, "I'm glad, it's been odd not having you all around these past few months." Tell him about it. She looked out the window again, "Jeno, could you go and hand Jun his inhaler," his grandma handed him the inhaler from her apron pocket, "I don't like him running around in the chilly air like that, his asthma has been acting up." Jeno nodded, going outside and forcing Jun to put his inhaler in the pocket of his shorts; much to the little boy's annoyance.

Somehow, Jun was turning nine. Which felt absolutely insane, seeing as how Jeno still thought of him as a little six year old. 

By the time Jeno was heading back inside, after being asked to join in on a first-to-five-goals soccer game, most of the guests had already arrived. More little kids ran out of the door as soon as Jeno opened it. He laughed good naturedly when some of them yelled 'excuse me', when he looked up he was met with a kitchen full of his best friends--minus a couple who were running late. 

"Jeno!" Chenle yelled, practically jumping into Jeno's arm. "You didn't respond to our texts earlier, I was beginning to think something bad happened to you." 

Jeno rolled his eyes playfully, pushing Chenle away, "I was helping set everything up." He walked past the pointing boy to greet everyone else. He bumped fist with Jisung, Renjun, Haechan, and Jaemin. Mark and Doyeon were nowhere to be seen, Jeno turned back to Jaemin, asking after the aforementioned pair. 

"Mark forgot to get Jun a gift and forced Doyeon to go help him find something." Jaemin explained, "They really should be here by now-" in the kind of coincidence that makes you put your hands on your head and go 'yoooo', the sound of the front door opening and Mark's far off voice greeting someone rang out. "I literally made them spawn here." Jaemin said with a shake of his head. 

Jeno laughed at his best friend as Mark and Doyeon walked into the kitchen. "Soeun isn't here?" She asked with a mischievous glint in her eye as her and Mark came to a stop in front of them. Jeno knew someone would bring her up. 

"Wow, I didn't expect you to be the first one to crack a joke, Doyeon." He said disapprovingly. 

Jaemin used one hand to pull Doyeon closer to him, and the other to squish her face from chin to cheeks, "A menace," he tsked, leaving a quick kiss on her forehead. Doyeon swatted him away, always adamantly against public displays of affection. She did, however, let his hand stay in hers. 

"I was simply asking," she defended herself in her blank face way.

Haechan slung his arm around Jeno's shoulders, "What?" He asked, "Are you embarrassed?" He wiggled his eyebrows, trying to imply that the embarrassment would mean he liked Soeun or something. 

"No." Jeno quickly shut down. "It's called being irritated." 

"Funny," Renjun said, "Haechan should have known, seeing as how he's usually on the receiving end of that particular emotion." 

"Har har har!" Haechan slapped Renjun on the back.

Doyeon sighed, those two never stop fighting, "Where's the birthday boy? I have a present for him." She announced, walking away to go find Jun. Jaemin shook his head in an amused manner at Haechan and Renjun before following after Doyeon. Jeno excused himself so he could go greet the other party guests. 

The party eventually ran its course, going late enough that parents wanted to get home so none of their young kids missed bedtimes. Grandma Lee yawned as she closed the door behind Jun's teacher and her family. "Grandma, you should go up to bed, I'll take care of clean up." She was about to protest, but Mark peaked his head out from around the corner, announcing that he and the rest of their friends would help Jeno; and that she really ought to get her beauty rest. She relented, heading upstairs. Jun was already up in his bed playing some new game he got for the Switch. 

"I always forget how loud kids' birthday parties get." Renjun says as Jeno walks back into the kitchen. 

Mark nodded, rolling his sleeves up and turning the tap on, "You should have gone to my little cousin's karaoke party last summer." He forced a shudder for exaggeration--in reality he had so much fun at that party that he forced them all to go to karaoke the very next night. Jeno yawned, the soccer games he'd played with his brother earlier finally catching up with him. He walked off to the dining room, picking up all the trash while the sounds of distant chatter filled the air. 

His mind tended to wonder during moments like this. When it felt like he was both very present and very absent all at the same time. Yes, he was in the same house as all his friends again, and yes he'd missed them all very much, but somehow it felt like something was missing. It had felt like that for a while now---were these the growing pains that everyone talked about? Here he was, thinking of her when he was right by the people who used to take up all the space in his mind. He used to think he wouldn't need anyone else, that this would be enough for him and that he didn't need to open up to someone else because he didn't need to get hurt again--hadn't he grown enough? He'd loved and he'd lost more than he ever wanted to talk about, but now it felt like it was all he wanted to talk about; it was all he could think about. The lost few months had been hard, and he'd pushed it all down but now there was Soeun, and with her he was reminded of the conversations they'd shared, and it just made him want to talk to her. Because, for some reason, he felt like she'd understand him; no matter how ununderstandable he felt these days.

But, did he deserve to test that theory? Or would he just be leading her on again?

He felt like he had to at least see if it could work out, or else he'd lose his mind.

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