I may have cursed Yun, the girl in the past, for adoring Baekhyun so much. Maybe in her terms, adoring him was more like not scorning him for every single action he did.

Freshman Yun may have been stupidly oblivious, but she wasn’t wrong. In fact, it’s never felt so validating to admit that it was okay to like her high school rival. More than like. Actually, she was still in limbo about her position of him.

I couldn’t believe that we’d been nearing three months, and I didn’t have that overwhelming feeling that I was being suffocated. I’d always known what my problem was with commitment and relationships, but let me tell you, being self-aware only solved half the problem.

I couldn’t keep a relationship because inward, I was never really sure. I’d always wonder about love and the genuineness of it. Was it real? Did love exist for me? As far as I’d known, Irene couldn’t fathom the idea, and she was my therapist. Chanyeol was a romantic, but he didn’t have much luck in that area either. All the women he met had been wrong for him. They didn’t want to settle down.

I mean—we were still in our mid-twenties for ’s sakes. Who would want to settle down? I didn’t. Or I thought I did. I never thought about what forever meant until Baekhyun brought it up.

Before dating him, it was a strange thought to me. How could you wake up and do the same thing every day? That didn’t make any sense. I may be diagnosed with OCD, but after a while of the same routine, it burned your girl out. She didn’t like the monotony of life.

Baekhyun was far from monotony. Sure, we did much of the same things most days because hey, routine isn’t the problem when you’re busy. You’re too consumed by external factors to notice, but see, the special thing about him being my significant other, was the fact that I couldn’t be bored by him.

You can definitely brush it off as hormones, and true, it was probably the crux of the honeymoon stage.

But he was something special. The writer in me is cringing because out of every single word that I know, how is it that I cannot describe it to you?

Being with him was consuming, but it was never exhausting. I had fun. I think we were at the age where we understood what a real relationship was. It was a collaborative effort.

He told me that he’d never done this before. The dating part. I knew he had a spotty history with women, but I didn’t know where he found the time to be so good at it.

You could tell me that he was an expert, and I would believe you because Baekhyun was so ridiculously good at the role of a nurturing boyfriend, considering our competitive nature and minus our usual antics to push each other’s buttons.

By three months, I’d already practically moved in. I still had my place readily available when I wanted alone time, but since we were so busy, I wanted to spend the free time I had with him.

I wrote at crazy hours. Sometimes I’d find the time when he was at work. Sometimes I’d write in the middle of the night until the sky turned purple.

He worked late nowadays. My resignation had meant that the position of chief editor was his. The duties that we’d split up in the past were now solely his responsibility. I felt kind of bad at first when his work life grew more hectic until he convinced me that it was okay and that when he accepted the position, he’d already known what he was getting himself into.

Still. I tried helping him as much as I could. I read through some of his manuscripts and sorted out the ones that had promise into a pile for him. I brought him lunch, the joy of seeing him far outweighed the awkward smile and waves I got from my former coworkers and bosses.

I would never tire from seeing that happy twinkle in his eyes.

One night, as I was curled on his couch with him acting as the little spoon, I asked him a question.

“Have you ever thought about marriage?”

He hummed, “why? Is this your way of proposing?”

“No, I—I’m just curious. You’ve never brought it up,” I said.

He contemplated my question seriously for a beat. “Well, yeah, doesn’t everyone?”

“I don’t really have any good memories of marriage. In terms of my parents, you could see where that crashed and burned.”

“I never really met my real father, so I guess you can say that I understand your apprehension,” he said thoughtfully.

I blinked at him.

“What?” He asked.

“You’ve never told me about yourself. With the exception of us attending the same prep school, I’ve never really known about your personal life. You know. About your family for that matter,” I said.

Baekhyun shrugged. “Classic wealthy brat upbringing with the nannies and the butlers, but my mother was the breadwinner. She was a cruel woman. Never really had a man. It was me, her, and my sister.”

“I never met your sister.”

“Well, I’m sure she would love to meet you if she was still alive,” he said.

The silence is loud. I was stunned that he put it off as a joke. I’ve never had a death in my family. Sure, my mother up and left us, but I wouldn’t count on that as being nearly the same as losing a family member.

“Hey,” he murmured, bringing my attention back to him. “It’s okay. Her death doesn’t particularly affect me anymore.”

I got a feel then that he was lying. Like he was trying to coax himself. I could see past his forced optimism. I’m sure there was a reason he didn’t want to tell me the entire story, so I didn’t concur further.

Instead, I asked, “do you think your mother would like me?”

He smiled. “I think she would love you, cerise. You’re just like her. Strong and ambitious. You don’t bend over backward for anyone. Surely, not for any man that isn’t worth your time.”

I bit down on my lip, trying to hide a shy smile. “Are you implying that you’re worth my time?”

Bemused, he answered, “I don’t have the answer to that question. Because as you know, ‘you can't control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things that are out of your control.’ This means, I definitely won’t do anything stupid in the meantime that would change your opinions of me.”

I decided to answer the question for him. I’m sure he didn’t need it because he has to know just how much he meant to me. “For reference, if anyone asks me how I met you, I’ll tell them I married my high school sweetheart.”

His smile, as you can expect, was extraordinary. “Well, then, I’m honored, cerise.”

We were serious. More serious than anything I’d ever experienced.

It was so real. So utterly visceral. Waking up in his arms. Doing random acts of kindness for each other. Curling up on his armchair as he softly read to me his favorite book. Or when his efforts in making breakfast go in vain when he ends up between my legs again so we simply pack it up like adults and settle for brunch.

When people have serious relationships in their twenties, there’s always the wistful feeling of missing out on something. Something like engaging in empty with strangers. Meeting other people. Maybe feeling that you need to test out other people before you commit yourself to a lifelong committed partnership.

The thing is. I haven’t had any of those doubts. What I had was perfect. Sure, my future may not be planned out to a T. I didn’t care about whether we would have children or not. Where we would get married. Or what my wedding dress would look like.

I didn’t want to get stuck on those things. After all, I wasn’t in love with my relationship with Baekhyun. I was in love with him. That confession alone felt so intimate. I was indecisive, but this was a truth that I would never go back on.

I knew that even if we didn’t make it in the future—I would never regret the time we spent together. Being in love with him was like the maturing of wine.

It was sweet, tangy, and kind of bitter. It was real, and I felt like I’d reached the cusp of adulthood. I would learn from this experience and become a better person. I’d never desired anyone as I did for Baekhyun.

I finally understood why people were so set to find the one. I never could put my mind around their desperation. Why they would end perfectly stable relationships for something so metaphorical. Why my mother had left despite her vow: for better or worse, for richer, for poorer.

Being an adult didn’t mean you had your together. I still had a ton of baggage to unpack, but at least now, I was sure of one thing.

I wasn’t my mother. I wasn’t my father. And people don’t relive the same patterns in relationships. The people you meet—how you choose to intertwine your fate with them? That was all subjective.

Baekhyun and the word boyfriend—that word was anything but an embellishment when it came to him.