Author’s recommendation: Listen to Little Mix – Let Me Get My Way as you read this

You are back at my door step, again. Looking the same as you did five weeks ago.

Hair in a complete mess. Mascara smearing. Button of your shirt completely mis-matched. Smelling almost like you just poured a dozen of liquor over your head.

I watch as you sway around before you place your palm on the left side of my door to steady yourself. A sigh escapes as I manage to sneak a peek over the time on your Apple watch.

3.00a.m

My favorite hour. One that I usually spent with indie records as I walk through the feeling of unrequited love.

I was about to do the same until my bell rung, couple with a few loud knocks on my door. If only my neighbors weren’t home, I would have ignored it all together.

“Can I come in,” you ask, words slurring due to the alcohol in your systems.

I make no move to open the door wider and continue to stare at you through the small space. Few seconds pass as I take note of every changes in your facial expression.

My breath hitches when you take a step forward, closing your distance to my door and push your head to the small space that I am looking at you from. We are now separated by mere inches.

“Please,” you beg, your voice as low as you could go. Sending shivers down my spine and goosebumps over my skin.

I keep my mouth shut as I step aside and open the door wider for you to walk in. A small appreciative smile tugs over your lips as you pass by me.

Still standing by the door, I watch as you strut into my house with such familiarity.

Casually drinking the water from the jug that I place on the dining table before making your way to the living room. You know how much I hate the scent of liquor lingering on my furniture.

So you discard your jacket and throw it across the room before you reach for the black remote on top of the tea table. You press one of the buttons and music starts to play, taking over the silence that was once occupying the room.

It takes you few more seconds before sitting on my floor, back leaning against my sofa.

Crestfallen, is the only emotion that you show as you fixated your gaze on our picture hanging on the wall. It was one of our candid moments, in which I was smiling ear to ear as I listen to what you had whispered to me.

“She left, finally,” you said, and I remain still, not sure what I should say to that.

You turn your head in my direction and pat the space next to you, a silent invitation for me to occupy it.

Releasing a resinated sigh, I softly push the door to close before making my way to you. I too fix my gaze on out picture against the wall as soon as I settled on the space next to you. We were sitting so close, shoulders lightly brushing against each other’s.

Not that I mind anyway, and neither do you.

“She said she had enough of us, you and me, I mean. That she want to stop competing against the love that I had for you. Why can’t she see that I love her in a completely different way than I love you,” you ramble, eyes traveling to each of our pictures that I had against my walls.

Auch. Then why can’t you see the way that I love you?

“Honestly,” I trail, racking my brain hard as I search for words to say.

I don’t want to talk about her, not when your hurt is breaking this much.

“I don’t know how to answer your question. But what I know is that, if I were to put myself in her shoes, I would have left too,”

You snap your head to my side, so fast that I was worried if you are going to sprain your neck. Your eyes as wide as saucers.

“Why?”

“Because it’s like I am sharing a part of you with someone else. I hate it,” I said, not looking at you as I play with my thumbs.

“But I have known you almost my whole life! A part of me is meant to be with you,” she said, frowning.

Exactly! We have known each other for so long, but why are you still not mine? Am I that hard to fall in love with?

I pull my knees closer to chest and wrap my arms around my thighs before I rest my cheek against my knees. Our gaze met and none of us care enough to break the contact.

“I guess … everyone is selfish when it comes to love,”

You sigh, changing your sitting position to one that mirrors mine.

“You deserve better,”I said, both to you and myself.

You click your tongue and scrunch your nose at that.

“I don’t need any better. I just …” you trail.

Want you, but why can’t you want me too?

I pull one of my arms away from my thighs and lift it up.  I then slip the stray strands that are blocking your eyes to the back of your ears. My motions fluid and is fill with so much tenderness.

“Maybe this is a sign that we should go on separate ways,” I said, fingers still tangling in your hair.

That surely catch your attention as you swiftly wrap your fingers around my wrist and lift your head up.

“I have one letter on my study,” I begin, your eyes still fixated on me and fingers never left my wrist.

“The company is offering me a position for their branch in NZ. It was a nice offer and I have always want to visit the country. So,”

“You are considering,” you said, successfully cutting me off mid-sentence.

“But … what about me?”

“Well, we can always skype, just need to work around with the rime zone,”

“But what if … what if I want to come here?”

“Well … just come over. I will leave my keys with you,” I said, pulling my wrist off your hold, only to take your hand into mine. My thumb rubbing, what I hope is, soothing circles at the back of your palm.

“It’s not the same. Who would throw me stupid rubber centipedes as I walk through the front door? Or force me to film useless vlogs? If you are that far away, who would help you to unclog your toilet, huh?”

I force out a chuckle.

“I am out of the picture now. Win her back,”

Or just let me get my way and take her place.

The corner of your lips turn into a frown. Eyebrows forming a straight line.

“I don’t need to win her back. I just need to you to stay!”

“You love her, remember?”

“I know. But if that love force me with an option, then I don’t want to love her anymore

“I choose you, over her. Over anyone else. Can you please not go?”

I sigh.

“I need this. You need this. We need this,” I say with so much conviction.

“I just,” you sigh, “I love you,”

I lift our hands up and place a lingering kiss at the back of your palm.

“I know,”

But I just hope that you can love me in the way that I love you.

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