Skye:

Wednesday:

The more time I spend with Jay the more I see myself falling in love with him and it scares me to death!

Every since the day we spent at his studio I have been simultaneously walking on a cloud and walking on eggshells.

Like am I really dating him? Are we just hanging out? Is he just a vacation fling?

These are the questions I mull over at night when I am supposed to be sleeping.

I feel like I am living in a fanfic and I am just waiting for the evil mother to oppose us or for his long lost first love who broke up with him to magically reappear.

Isn't that how those plots usually go?

Right now I am living the y/n life and I am clearly missing something because where is the drama and angst?

I am 8 years older than him, full figured and black I am his momma's worse nightmare come to life!

Another new development..

Kissing..

At first I was concerned because he hadn't kissed me yet and now that is all he does!

It's to the point where I am a nervous wreck!

How can I even breathe when his mouth is always attached to mine?

Goodness gracious sometimes you get what you ask for heh?

We can be walking down the sidewalk and then he is kissing me breathless!

Um sir can I get some oxygen to my lungs please and thank you.

Plus he is always telling me how good I smell and kissing my neck area.

The results are I am a bundle of nerves and my legs are in a constant state of buckle.

At any given moment I am liable to collapse!

If the wind blows too hard poof I am falling to the ground!

And did I mention how good he smells?

Good lord, especially when comes over fresh out of the shower it is...

I don't know words fail me ok.

Not that I am complaining mind you but this sudden turn to so much physical contact is kind of unnerving.

I chuckle at my line of thoughts and look at the clock.

It is 8 am, I sigh dramatically because I do not want to get out of bed yet.

I have 2 weeks left of my vacation and it feels so surreal, I don't want to even go home at this point.

Of course I miss everyone but I have gotten used to seeing Jay everyday so it will be hard when I don't.

He makes an effort for me whether it's just for an hour or 8 hours he will schedule me in if he has to.

The point is he makes the time to see me and I feel special, he makes me feel special you know.

Romance was never really high on my list due to work, family, traveling and spending time with my loved ones.

I had a full life or so I thought.

Truthfully boys scared me to death.

I have only had one serious boyfriend in the 22 years that I have been a legal adult.

He is the son of my mother's best friend and they set us up.

They had big plans for us, they were already planning our kid's names and everything.

I dated him for 2 years up until I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I didn't feel sparks with him and in the end it was like I was kissing my brother.

He was so hurt and what's worse is he was planning to propose.

I just could not even imagine being married to him.

He is a good man, very handsome, well mannered, treats women with upmost respect, affectionate, just an all around great guy.

He was just not my guy.

I couldn't do it anymore I wasn't in love with him.

While in high school I experienced unrequited love and I didn't want anyone to feel like I felt.

It is devastating when the person you want doesn't see you that way or even worse they are in love with your friend.

Of course momma thought I had lost my mind.

"Girl he is a handsome, wealthy doctor are you nuts?" She actually asked me that.

All I kept saying is "Momma it's for the best."

How could I tell her I felt nothing for him that when we were together it was like getting a l exam while on your period...

Yeah it was that uncomfortable for me.

I eventually quit sleeping with him all together and we broke up shortly thereafter.

Right then I decided to wait for love and marriage because it was not worth it otherwise.

I have been celibate every since and I do not regret my choice.

My mom was furious for a long time about us breaking up but I had to live MY life and be happy.

She wasn't in a love less marriage so I wasn't going to do it either.

It all came to a head on Thanksgiving when both families were together.

It had been 10 months since we broke up at this point he and I had hashed everything out and we were cool.

Our mother's on the other hand wouldn't let it go.

His mom kept insisting we sit next to each other.

My mom kept insisting I refill his drinks and that I fix his plate.

"He is a fully capable grown man mom I am not fixing his plate stop it." I told her.

She kissed her teeth "You are letting a good man get away, do you want to be alone for rest of your life? What about children?"

"I know you weren't ready for marriage yet, but what if ya'll just take it slower he can take care of you baby." She said.

I just pretended like I didn't hear her and it went like that all day.

Even Greg began to get annoyed.

At this point I had had enough.

I take momma's arm and pull her into my old bedroom and close the door.

"Momma that is enough it is over between Greg and I."

"If I thought I could love him I wouldn't have broken it off!" I yelled.

"We dated for 2 years mom! 2 flipping years! If I did not have those passionate love feelings for him in all that time I never will."

"Why should I marry a man I am not madly in love with?

"I want to feel sparks when we kiss and have butterflies, and miss him like crazy when he is away from me."

"Why can't I have that mom? Huh? Why should I settle?"

"Did you have to do that? No you and daddy eloped because ya'll couldn't wait to be together!" I cried

I could feel the tears threatening to spill and I took some deep breaths to calm myself down.

She looked at me with a pained expression.

"Oh baby I am sorry, I didn't know it was like that."

"I just thought you got cold feet or something, why didn't you tell me all this time?"

"How could I tell you when all you have is grand babies on the brain?"

"And I really thought that because I was physically attracted to him that love would come, but it did not and good looks only go so far momma."

She pulled me into a hug and sighed.

"You are right baby and I am sorry." She kissed my temple and rubbed my arms.

I leaned into her neck and sighed.

"Do you forgive your old lady for being a buttinsky?"

I laughed "You are not old momma and yes I forgive you."

"Now let's go eat my appetite has finally returned." I said and she laughed leading back into the dining room.

Greg met his wife Marlena at work, she was a dietician at the clinic where he worked as a primary care physician.

They fell madly in love and got married.

I was so happy for him it took away the guilt I felt for breaking it off.

Luckily for us we were able to remain friends, I even made their wedding cake.

He emails me often with pictures of their children and life updates and I am so happy for them.

Everyday I am grateful I was strong enough to be alone and let him go so he can find someone to love him like he deserved.

10am:

I sit up in bed and sigh.

I have gotten used to Korea standard time and it will be hard to get back on my own time zone.

I am usually up at 2:30 am and working by a quarter to 4, luckily, I do not go back to work right away when I return.

I finally drag myself out of bed to go to the bathroom and get something to eat.

I end up making grilled BLT sandwiches adding fried egg, avocado and thin slices of red onion.

I sprinkle each of them with pink Himalayan salt and cracked black pepper.

I plate one along with some sliced pineapple, strawberries and honeydew melon.

I pour myself a huge glas