life in circles

 

“What’s this?” Sakura wondered as she examined the two similar envelopes that caught her attention. It screamed elegance, far from the rest plain white envelopes that most probably contained bills, notices, or about whatever subscription they have that she was sorting.

 

“Hey, Hyewon. I think this one’s for you and Yena,” she passed the envelope to Hyewon who was sitting on the couch as she made her way to the kitchen. The younger frowned. Her breath hitched when she finally found out its content. Of course, it’s a wedding invitation.

 

“What’s that?” Sakura asked as she made her way back on the living room, holding a glass of milk. She sat beside Hyewon, putting her glass down before snatching what the older was holding. The older remained silent.

 

“Kim Minju? Sounds familiar,” she tried recollecting where she might have heard it or where she possibly met her. She gasped upon remembering. “Oh. She’s the one who always waits for you at the station when we’re doing internship, right?”

 

“Hmm…” Hyewon hummed. She stood up and made her way to the kitchen, hoping for her friend to just drop the topic. She was rummaging through their refrigerator to check the available ingredients when Sakura called out from the living room.

 

“You two dated, what happened?” The older pressed. She was genuinely curious about what happened between her friend and the woman.

 

“Sigh. Life happened. We didn’t work out,” she answered with a shrug as she laid the ingredients on the counter.

 

“More like she didn’t let them work out,” Yena who just went out from her room said as she sat next to Sakura. She grabbed the wedding invitation and examined it.

 

“Yah.”

 

“What? It’s true though. I’m still holding it against you,” the same aged woman playfully said, sticking her tongue out.

 

“Why, what happened?” Sakura directed her question to Yena.

 

“Just the two of them being angsty beings they were. Minju wanted something serious with Hyewon but that brat was just…. ugh,” Yena playfully scoffed.

 “Minju was literally ready to drop everything for Hyewon,” she chuckled upon remembering that one time Minju dropped her cocktail just to stop Hyewon from leaving with another woman at the bar.

 

“Wait, no. Now that I think of it, you two actually had had something serious, right?”

 

The two continued talking and Hyewon didn’t really keep track of what they were talking about. She was just quietly chopping the bell peppers.

 

“Minju was literally ready to drop everything for Hyewon.” Yena’s voice echoed inside her head.

 

Hyewon wasn’t sure how she was supposed to say that it was what scared her. It scared her how Minju was willing to drop everything she had just to be with her. She was ready to throw all the possibilities away, to throw her life away.

 

But what scared Hyewon most was the possibility of Minju regretting every decision she made at the end of the day.

 

 

***

 

There was something about their small city that made Hyewon love it despite its crowded streets and slightly polluted air. She liked how the lights coming from stores lights up the busy streets. She liked seeing people walk in rush, although she somehow felt bad. It was strange but she found it comforting. She liked how the traffic lights change color. Of course, she liked how the food stalls are lined up near the park although she, at times, couldn’t bring herself to like the people lining up for food.

 

The city was where she was born, raised, cried, said her first word, schooled, had her first scar, found friends, her first failed exam, her first dance, her first heart break.

 

And she didn’t mind living there for the rest of her life.

 

Because everything there screamed familiarity

 

Because Hyewon always chooses something that’s familiar

 

Then she met Minju. She was a stranger, new to their small city, someone unfamiliar.

 

Yet someone who made her feels the familiar warmth and comfort.

 

It was one fine afternoon when Hyewon first met Minju at the library where she was working at as student assistant. Hyewon rushed to get to the reception counter of the library, muttering apology to another student assistant who extended her shift for 15 minutes because she was late. Their professor dismissed them late hence she was late on her duty.

 

Hyewon didn’t get to eat her lunch. Fortunately, she still had the sandwich Yena gave to her earlier. After settling her things down, Hyewon squatted down to hide while eating her supposed lunch. She was half-way done when she heard someone clear their throat making her immediately look up. She hastily wiped for possible mess before facing the other.

 

“Yes? How can I help you?”

 

“Err… So I’m borrowing these,” the woman said as she gestured to the books. Hyewon nodded and waited for her to give her the library card while eyeing the books. Almost a minute passed in silence, Hyewon tapped her fingers on the surface and the woman began fidgeting. Hyewon noticed it so she looked up and greeted with an awkward smile and several blink from the other.

 

“Uhm. Your library card?”Hyewon unsurely asked.

 

“Oh, right!” She immediately opened her file case. She pulled her library card and handed it to Hyewon. She was preparing to leave as soon as she handed her card when Hyewon cleared . She looked at her confusedly.

 

“You…” Hyewon cut her own sentence with a sigh. “You need to fill up the book card, miss.”

The other woman looked completely lost but she still gave out a smile, although an awkward one.

“Okay, where is it?” she asked, waiting for Hyewon to give her whatever it was that she needed to fill up. Hyewon wanted to face palm herself.

“It’s in the book,” Hyewon said, gesturing for her to open it.

 

And she opened it in the center. Hyewon wasn’t sure whether to feel frustrated or to laugh at the other woman’s antics. She laid her hand and asked for the books the woman was borrowing. She opened it and pulled the book card.

 

“Here. Fill this one up then you’re ready to go.”

“Oh… That!” the woman mused, making Hyewon chuckle.

“Sorry, it’s my first time borrowing something from the library.” She said as she filled the book card up.

“Oh. Don’t worry, that’s fine. University really forces us to do something for the first time, I guess.” Hyewon tried consoling her.

“Maybe? But... I’m way behind, aren’t I?” There was a faint blush on her cheeks that she was trying to hide under her hair.

“Almost everyone here knows how to borrow a book from library so… yeah, kinda.” Hyewon lightheartedly shrugged and waited for her to finish filling up.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. New here?” she asked curiously to which the other hummed to in response.

“I’m Kim Minju, by the way,” she added as she handed the book card.

“Figured,” Hyewon read her name from the library card.

“Oh. Of course, and you are?” Minju looked so shy and Hyewon found it cute that she couldn’t help but smile.

“Kang Hyewon.”

“Kang Hyewon. It’s nice to meet you, Hyewon-ssi.” They shared a smile before Hyewon spoke again.

“Well then, see you around, Minju-ssi.”

 

….

Hyewon calmly made her way to the library. Unlike the other day, their professor dismissed them earlier so she decided to grab her lunch before heading to the library. She was settling down her post when someone knocked on the counter. She looked up and saw the new girl in town.

 

“Hey,” she greeted.

 

“Hey, so uhm. Sorry again about the other day,” Minju said, fidgeting.

 

Hyewon nodded in understanding. “Right, that’s fine though. No harm done so it’s good.” She shrugged and continued organizing some papers.

 

“So uh… Here take this as a token of apology?” Minju said, handing her some Americano coffee from the café near the university.

 

Hyewon raised her eyebrow, “Okay, but there’s nothing to apologize about.”

 

“Then… a token of friendship?” the woman looked at her with hopeful eyes.

 

“You know this is library and food and drinks are not allowed here, right?” Hyewon looked at her with amusedly.

 

Minju widened her eyes in realization. “Oh my… I’m sorry!”

 

Hyewon could only chuckle.

 

“Hey, but I saw you eating here the other day so I thought that’s fine!” Minju tried arguing. She didn’t notice her voice rising that some students in the library looked at them.

 

“Shhh…. Tone it down, will you?” Hyewon reminded her. She snapped out of it.

 

“Sorry…” Minju lowered her head, “this is embarrassing.” She said under her breathe.

 

Hyewon gestured her to come closer. “Well, you see the librarian was not here the other day so I could eat here but now she’s here and she’s looking at us right now so yeah,” she whispered.

 

“Oh.” Minju looked at the librarian who was looking at them with her eyebrows up. She bit her lip as she looked down on the coffee in her hand, feeling embarrassed as ever.

 

“Well, as a token of friendship, you say? Why don’t you just take that coffee for now? We can just hangout later,” Hyewon offered with amused smile.

 

The woman looked up and beamed as smile and agreed enthusiastically, “Sure, sounds good!”

 

Minju pulled out her notebook and pen. Hyewon looked at her in confusion.

 

“Here, my number. Hit me up later after class,” she said, nudging the paper she ripped from her notebook. She put her notebook again on her tote bag.

 

“See you later!” she said with a smile, walking away with the coffee.

 

Hyewon smiled and waved her good bye. She shook her head when Minju was out of her sight.

 

“She could just punch it directly on my phone though,” she said under her breathe while pulling her phone out to save her number.

 

…

 

Contrary to what Hyewon first thought because of their first library encounter, Minju actually likes reading a lot. The reason why it was the first time for to borrow books from the library was because she had her own big bookshelves filled with books in their house back in her hometown.

 

It’s one of the things she learned about Minju in span of weeks they spent hanging out with each other after clocking out from her part time job as student assistant. There was nothing special about what they were doing. They would just sit on the café for hours, sipping their coffee, talking or doing their school works.

 

Until it became their routine

 

Days wouldn’t feel complete for them without talking with each other over coffee. It went on few months.

 

…

 

Yena, Hyewon’s best friend noticed how her friend would take down all invitation for hangouts after her duty. One afternoon, she saw Hyewon with a woman at the café she passed by. That’s when she met Minju.

 

“She likes you, I’m telling you.” Yena nonchalantly said as she munched on her chips. They were playing some video games at Yena’s when she brought up the topic.

 

Hyewon frowned and continued pressing the buttons rapidly, “And I’m telling you, she doesn’t. We’re just friends.”

 

“Huh. I am your best friend but I wouldn’t wait for you every day after your duty to casually hangout with you,” Yena countered, focusing on the screen.

 

Hyewon looked at her and Yena could feel it.

 

“Do you like her?” the latter asked.

 

“No. We’re just friends, open and close parenthesis one,”

 

“Hmmm… Okay,” she shrugged.

 

Hyewon shoved her, causing her to lose balance.

 

“Yah! Tsk.”

 

Yena sat up and saw the screen displaying she losed.

 

“Aish!” she sulkily put down the controller. She turned to her friend with a smirk.

 

“I always wondered why you never dated any of those gorgeous ladies you flirted with at parties. Now I know.”

 

“What?” Hyewon asked with a frown.

 

“Good fluffy dork is your type,” she answered smugly, earning her a smack at the back of her head.

 

“Yah! I was just kidding!” she whined.

 

Hyewon decided to sleep over Yena’s because she said she was too tired to move a muscle and her friend happily agreed because they were both er for cuddles. That night before going to sleep, Hyewon wondered if Yena was right.

 

And it made her feel anxious and scared but at the same time, she could feel warmth swarm over her heart.

 

It made her feel something pleasant too.

 

…

 

“She likes you, I’m telling you.”

 

Hyewon could hear Yena’s voice echo inside her head as she sat across Minju with an awkward silence looming over them.

 

“What do you like so much about me?” Hyewon raised her eyebrow, challenging Minju.

 

“Your brain is so y, and you’re kind and gentle and warm and comforting and caring and considerate… and…”

 

“I can name few more things I like about you, like how nonchalant you act but still care deep inside. You have the biggest heart, I know and… I just… I like you.”

 

“And I feel something. You make me feel something.”

 

Hyewon won’t lie. She felt Minju’s words poked her heart open but she knew the other will be only left disappointed to find out she’s not what she thought she would be. She sighed.

 

“The Hyewon you knew at the library, the one you say gentle and kind, the one accompanying you to café…. They’re just part of me, Minju. I’m also the Hyewon who likes to party hard and suffer from hangover the next morning, the Hyewon who’s selfish and emotionally available to those I dated, the Hyewon picks up a booty call. Do you also like those Hyewon? Can you handle being with that kind of Hyewon?”

 

“I can!” Minju said with much determination and somehow, desperation.

 

“But I don’t want you to. You don’t deserve to be with that Hyewon so let’s just… stay this way.”

 

Hyewon reached out to hold Minju’s hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze before standing up, leaving the broken Minju alone.

 

She didn’t get to see even just a glimpse of Minju days after that. The other seemed to be so keen of avoiding her.

 

…

 

Blaring music, flashy colorful lights, and people dancing and grinding against each other filled up the whole place. Hyewon and Yena who just arrived were greeted by the usual sight for clubs and college parties. It’s already been weeks since they went MIA at parties because of the piles of paper works they had to finish.

 

The two were trying to make their way to the bar, casually greeting and passing people who they could recognize when someone blocked their way and started striking up a conversation. The woman weren’t very subtle about her intention of having to talk to Hyewon alone so Yena excused herself voluntarily and told Hyewon she’ll just wait on the bar.

 

“What is it about you? I swear it’s like you’re a fashion design major magnet or something,” Yena teased as she took a sip of her drink.

“First, it’s Eunbi-unnie, then there’s Chaewon who’s crushing on you, and there’s also --“ Hyewon cut Yena off.

 

“No need to enumerate their names, geez.” She called for the bartender to order her drink.

 

 “So, Kim Minju?” Her same-aged friend started.

 

“What about her?” She tried feigning ignorance.

 

Yena rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on Hyewon. You know what I mean.”

 

“I rejected her already. I mean, look. She’s nice and genuine and sweet and attractive and… Gosh, she’s beautiful.”

 

Hyewon didn’t notice how she looked so dreamy talking about the said woman. Yena swore she could see her friend’s eyes shining while talking about the certain girl. She shook her head in amusement.

 

Hyewon sighed heavily, “But I don’t think we’re going to work out right now, so yeah.”

 

Just then, her drink was served.

 

“Kim Minju?”

 

Hyewon frowned upon hearing the same name from her friend. “I already told you---“

“No, I mean, look,” Yena cut Hyewon off and nudged her to look at the dance floor, “that’s Kim Minju, right?” she said as she pointed at the center of dance floor.

 

That’s when Hyewon saw a glimpse of Minju dancing along the beat of music. She looked very different but still gorgeous as ever. Gone was the Minju in cute tees, Minju in cozy hoodie, Minju in typical fluffy university outfit. It was Minju in her black crop top paired with high-waist short, and chains, and black high boots, and fishnet tights.

 

The woman was not good for her heart. Hyewon swore Minju’s really out there, trying to kill her.

 

She seemed to be acquainted with resident party go-ers already too judging from the way some casually approached her.

 

“I didn’t know the new girl have it in her. She’s been coming here for weeks already.”

 

Hyewon frowned upon hearing that. She looked at her side only to be greeted by Eunbi. She smiled.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey back. What’s up with you? You didn’t come here for weeks,” Eunbi said before turning to the bar tender to ask for another drink.

 

“Me too?” Yena tried joining the conversation. “Woah. You only care about Kwangbae. I didn’t come here for weeks too but you never ask me. You didn’t even bother greeting me?”

 

Hyewon snickered at her friend while Eunbi playfully rolled her eyes.

 

“That’s true. Why would I even ask about you?”

 

Yena raised her eyebrow. She was about to say something when Eunbi beat her to it.

 

“When a friend of mine always talks about you all the time?” the older smirked.

 

The woman was flustered. She reached for her drink and gulp it in one go. She immediately regretted it as she felt burn causing her to cough. Hyewon chuckled at the sight of her friend. She patted her back, trying to ease Yena.

 

“Hey, Hyewon. Let’s catch up later,” Eunbi stood up and winked at her in a flirty manner. The said woman nodded and waved good bye.

 

“Yah, Eunbi-unnie! Who’s that?” Yena suddenly yelled but Eunbi didn’t answer. She instead blew her a playful flying kiss before disappearing to crowd.

 

…

 

Weeks passed. Hyewon has been seeing Minju on numerous parties. She wasn’t sure what the woman was up to but she could feel the building anger on the pit of her stomach whenever somebody flirts with the beauty.

 

The Minju she was seeing at parties was absolutely mesmerizing. But Hyewon could see even the slightest discomfort from Minju whenever she attends parties. This was not her thing. And Hyewon very much misses seeing the woman in her comfort zone.

 

So she let herself get drag by the woman occupying her thoughts. Minju dragged her to the parking lot. Hyewon raised her eyebrow when the former let her wrist go and finally faced her.

 

“I thought about it already,” Minju stared. She brushed her hair up and shifted on her feet. She was really nervous.

 

“When you asked me if I could handle the Hyewon that’s far from the Hyewon I met in the library or the soft and fluffy you I always hang out with…” She sighed.

 

“My answer remains the same. I can.”

 

Hyewon was left baffled.

 

“You can party hard and suffer from hangover next morning—with me, together. I can be selfless so you can continue being selfish. I won’t demand much so you wouldn’t be emotionally exhausted. You can pick up a booty call if you like, just… don’t stay the night with them an--and come back to me. I can handle those if that’s what you’re worried about. So… so date me, Kang Hyewon!”

 

There was silence.

 

Hyewon looked down and sighed before looking up. “I appreciate it, Kim Minju. But I don’t want you to go through all that.”

 

Minju’s shoulders started shaking. She let out uncontrollable sobs and it alerted Hyewon. The latter took another step closer to Minju. She lifted the chin of the crying woman. Hyewon felt something inside her crumble at the sight of defeated Minju.

 

“Hey,” Hyewon softly said as she cupped Minju’s face. She sighed when the latter refused to meet her eyes.

 

“Woman, few seconds ago you’re asking me to date you and now you wouldn’t even look at me.”

 

She playfully rolled her eyes but her look softened when she didn’t get any reaction from Minju. With her hands still cupping the latter’s face, Hyewon leaned in to kiss her forehead and her eyes. Minju’s eyes fluttered open when she felt Hyewon’s lips left her wet eyes.

 

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