To this day, I still think it’s funny that Sehun and I are somehow together. It wasn’t like there was any solid obstacles or another person objecting. Actually, there might’ve but you’ll find out later.

    I met Sehun again after three weeks, approximately a month if you wanna get technical. At this point, it’d been the third or fourth week of November. The air had gotten significantly cooler, and there were less of those moments when I’d seriously debated going . I thought better of it because Sooyoung told me streaking wasn’t as fun as you think it is.

    Anyway, Sooyoung miraculously got me out of the art studio. I’m starting to think I’ll shrivel up and die there alone. She invited me to out to drink with her new friends she’d met in her communications class.

    I found myself in yet another ty attire, but hey, if I could get men to buy me free drinks, who’s complaining?

    “So, you’re like a junior?” Geun asks me, casually leaning in and pretending he wasn’t just eying my rack.

    There’s a generous spread of people occupying the back of the bar. There are chairs clumsily strewn around with six or seven people slouched over them.

    Sooyoung glances at me with her if-you-don’t-want-him-I’ll-gladly-take-him eyes. I send her a skeptical look before answering his question, “I guess.”

    Geun hears me, but he doesn’t get the chance to answer when there’s a buzz of voices at the table. People sound excited, and honestly, I don’t know what they’re excited about. The booze is decent, but the whole place reeks and it’s just hot as hell.

    Sooyoung looks like she’s about to faint when she points me in the direction of the stares. I turn my head to see the one and only.

    “Sehun?” I’m thinking aloud, but he read my lips. His eyes are on me, and he’s smiling in my direction. This causes half of the women at the table to turn in my direction to stare at me.

    I count everyone who’s glaring at me and whispering, and let me just tell you—it’s overwhelming.

    Geun waves him over. “Everyone,” he interrupts the hush. “This is Francis. I assume you all know who he is if you aren’t living under a rock.”

    I blow out air. Oops. Can you blame me though? In my case, I live under ground level.

    Sehun takes the seat next to Geun, which is coincidentally right across from me. I land a glance at Sooyoung and she’s drooling. I throw her a napkin.

    “Sorry, did I interrupt you all?” Sehun asks in his all-mighty English. Almost all women die inside, but I maintain my nonchalance.

    Geun shakes his head. “You’re Brit, aren’t you? I thought only Canadians apologized for everything.”

    I wince inside, realizing he’s the type of guy who unironically thinks he’s funny, and unfortunately, he’s also that person who laughs at his own jokes. Sehun smiles through like a champ.

    “But no worries, man. I was only asking Gorgeous here what year she was.”

    Sehun suddenly had his eyes trained on me. “Really?”

    I smile awkwardly. “I’m a junior.”

    “What major?”

    “AFVS,” I answer without much thinking.

    The people who were listening in goes silent. I chew on my bottom lip. . I forgot about the elitists. Sooyoung throws me a pitying glance as if I’ve just voluntarily offered to jump in a pool of sharks.

    Geun barks out a laugh. “Wow, babe. Talk about a useless major, eh? Your parents have money or something? Or are you just housewife material?”

    I clench my jaw. “Why is it any of your business?”

    Sehun raises his brows at Geun. “I’m majoring in anthropology, so I guess that also makes me housewife material.” I stare at Sehun who leans closer, smiling smugly. “Though, maybe in my case, it’s the other one.” Then, he leans in another inch. I watch Geun swallow nervously. “Or maybe you just want to get laid since you’re persistently pulling on her pig tails. I’d offer myself in her stead, but I’m afraid my rates are higher than what your allowance can afford.”

    Sehun doesn’t get the chance to get any closer because Fred puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes his head. I bite back a smile, and Sooyoung glances between us at alarming speed.

    He shrugs away Fred’s hand and proceeds to stand up at the speechlessness of everyone else. Then, he circles the table until he reaches me. Sehun extends his right hand, eyes staring right into mine. “Want to get the out of here?”

[7]

“Shame. Sooyoung was my ride,” I tell him once we leave the stifling bar.

    Without a bat of his eyes, he turns to Fred and shouts, “will you call us an Uber?”

    Fred grunts but obliges.

    I break into a fit of laughter. “Does he speak?”

    Sehun hums, “you’d be surprised of the earful I got the other day when you and I ran away. Apparently, the queen called to check up on me, and Fred told her he lost me.”

    “Do you think he hates me?” I ask, eyeing the stoic man tapping on his phone. I want to laugh again because he looks so out of place in his crisp suit.

    “Don’t worry about it. He hates everyone.”

    “Even you? Isn’t that treason or something?”

    Sehun blows a raspberry. “I don’t take it personally. I’m a hard person to be around.”

    “Liar,” I point out. Tilting my head, I elaborate, “it must be boring. Having to always behave because you’re an important figure.”

    “Is that what it looks like to you?” He asks, eyes shining with genuine curiosity.

    I offer him a considerate smile. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t steal things often. You looked like you were suffocating in there.”

    “Why do you sound like you’re familiar with those emotions?”

    “Because I know what it feels like to never be able to live up to expectations. That’s why I’m at Harvard with the world’s most useless degree and you’re doing anthropology, Sehun.”

    He snorts. “To be fair, I’m minoring in comparative literature without my parents’ knowledge.”

    I throw him a mischievous grin. “As far as my mother knows, she still thinks I’m a business major.”

    Sehun’s eyes widen. “No.”

    “She’ll probably disown me, but I have another year to have things figured out.”

    “You’re brave, luv.”

    I wrinkle my nose in response. “What makes you think I’m not up all night thinking about me eventually becoming homeless?”

    He pretends to rack his brain before replying easily, “well, then how about you seduce me and we’ll see how it goes?”

    I my eyebrows. “Do I smell a challenge?”

    This is when I realize we’re a hairbreadth away from lip locking. Sehun’s eyes fall to my lips, and naturally, I’m drawn to his very, alluring pair of—

    “Sorry to interrupt, but your ride is here.”

    The two of us jerk back as if someone’s physically smashed the electrical currents previously lingering in the air.

    Fred is not amused, but if he thinks so, he doesn’t say so. Little did we know that he would grow the habit of being a .

[8]

In the very beginning, it was clear where this was going. We spent an abnormal amount of time together. Sehun and I grew scarily close. Now that I think about it, I don’t know what lead to us becoming inseparable. Fred once told me that it was definitely because our personalities are attuned to each other. For a scary dude, he can be pretty romantic when he tries.

    Sooyoung voiced her complaints to me that I was hogging the Prince of Wale to myself, and I simply told her that if he’d liked her company as much as mine, he’d also hit her up.

    Naturally, she gave me the cold shoulders for a week. It didn’t last very long because she called in the middle of night, crying about Geun. Apparently, he had a taste of her and thought she wasn’t as interesting as he thought she was.

    I let her come over and we talked about him with our respective pints of ice cream. We went back to normal, and Sooyoung began to bother me about who I was texting so much.

[9]

    I say we finish all of season one tonight.

    I have a date.

    A date? Who’s the unlucky guy?

     you

    I’m raising the rates on you for that

    What a shame. I can’t afford you anymore. Do you think if I ask, Fred will lend me a couple hundred?

    For that, he’d have to actually like you

    Okay. Now you’re just playing dirty. Don’t be surprised when you’re on the paper tomorrow with the statement that you prefer The Office US more than you do UK.

    Blasphemy. I’m going to have to kill you before that happens.

    Maybe tomorrow. I have a date.

    I hope he’s equipped with the mentality to handle a Nutter like you.

    Says the chav

    Bloody hell. I don’t remember teaching you that.

    Bold of you to assume I don’t have other hot British men pining for me

    It’s the fact that you think I’m interested in you for me.

    I’m telling my RA you’re banned from my room.

    Fred will handle said person

    You always have to have the last say, don’t you

    I’ll see you in your room at eleven. Don’t be late, luv

 [10]

“How was dinner?” Sehun asks, tossing a piece of popcorn and hitting me square in the face with it.

    I scowl, scrutinizing the scene in front of me. He’s wearing baby blue silk pajamas that cost more than my tuition and unironically buried under my cheap, scratchy comforter. I prop both hands on my hips. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you?”

    He chuckles, shoving a handful of popcorn in his face. “You’re early. I’m guessing he wasn’t as much as a catch you thought he was?”

    I sigh, getting flashbacks of battle scars. “I was catfished by Sooyoung. I bet it was her way of getting back at me.”

    Sehun flashes me a sly smile. “Oh, really? For what?”

    I tsk, grabbing my pillow and hitting him across the head with it. “Because of you, . She says I barely spend any time with her anymore.”

    He hums in acknowledgement. “She isn’t wrong. I’m just too irresistible.”

    I shake my head in feigned disgust. “Turn around. I’m changing.”

    “Shame. Your s look great.”

    “Your ert is showing,” I deadpan.

    Sehun whirls around nonetheless, and I throw on one of his shirts in my hamper and a pair of shorts. “By the way,” he begins through a mouthful of popcorn. “Your mirror showed everything.”

    I throw another pillow at his head. “Where’s Fred when you need him?”

    He answers nonchalantly, “oh, Fred? I sent him to buy me some gyros.”

    I pause. “Isn’t that three towns over?”

    Sehun’s eyes shine with mischief, and I stare at him in horror.

    “You’re evil,” I conclude, but he ignores me and snatches my laptop from my backpack. I’m speechless when he easily types in my password and pulls up Netflix. “How the hell did you…?”

    He scoffs. “Oh, please. You use it for everything.”

    I roll my eyes, making a mental note to change all my passwords. “You know. You’re like a three year old who never got any attention from his parents, so now you’re just an attention .”

    “Says the one with mummy issues,” he snipes casually.

    “Says the one who can’t even speak about his personal life.”

    Sehun laughs haughtily. “You can’t hurt me. I was adopted into the royal family, and thanks to my parents, everyone is too scared of taking the piss at me, so all I get is passive xenophobia.”

    I blow out a pained breath. “You win.”

    “I’ll always win against you, luv.”

[11]

“I’m confused,” Sooyoung announces in the midst of our lecture.

    I shush her, but she continues.

    “Like are you two dating or just ing?”

    Her voice catches the attention of several classmates, and they throw us suspicious looks. I send her a warning look when their attention is back on the professor.

    She doesn’t get the hint. “Girl, if I was with him all the time, I’d have my mouth full of—“

    I clap my hand over . “Now’s not the time,” I hiss, glaring pointedly at her.

    Sooyoung giggles quietly and pries my finger off. “I was going to say drool, but you do you, baby gorl.”

    “I hate you,” I murmur.

    “You love me,” she says, nudging me playfully.

    “Sure.”

    “I’m just pulling your strings, honey. I wanted attention.”

    I snort, my heart warming when my mind accidentally wanders to Sehun. “You’re both a pain in the .”

    Sooyoung sighs dramatically, propping her head on her palm. “Sounds like affection to me.”

    “You’re delusional, Soo,” I grunt.

    “You’d be more convincing if you don’t have love goggles.”

    “We’re just friends,” I say, keeping my eyes on the professor. At that time, my phone buzzes with a text message from him.

    She chuckles. “Tell me that again after your date tonight.”

    To her satisfaction, my cheeks warm.

[12]

“I think it’s kind of odd that we know nothing about each other,” I say through a mouthful of chow mein.

    Sehun doesn’t bat an eye when he replies, “you favor Chinese takeout.”

    “I never told you that.”

    “Your moan earlier when you had a bite of orange chicken told me everything I needed to know.”

    I glare at him with indignation, swallowing quickly and swiping the grease from my mouth with the napkin he’s been holding out. “Okay, Sherlock. Other than surface level things.”

    “What do you want to know?” He asks after an impressively clean bite of fried rice.

    “I don’t know,” I lamely drawl. “What do normal people know about their best friends?”

    Sehun stops eating, his eyes filling with mirth. “Is that what you think we are?”

    “Who else other than siblings or couples share utensils? And FYI, I somehow spent more time with you this semester than I have ever with my own mother.”

    “Technically, that’s because you like me more than her.”

    I roll my eyes and jab my chopsticks at the crab rangoon. “Technically, you didn’t actually answer any of my questions.”

    “Good God, I’m not escaping from this one, am I?”

    I eye him expectantly.

    He leans back on the bookshelf across from me. “I’ve never had a best friend. You’re asking the wrong person, luv.”

    I almost choke on my food. “What?”

    “I’m too good for everyone,” he playfully boasts, but his eyes aren’t filled with the usual playfulness. He looks sad.

    “I’ve never had a best friend either. Not until Sooyoung anyway. As you can tell, I’m not really a people person. It wasn’t until she forcibly plunged into my safety circle.”

    Sehun looks oddly comforted, and I vainly rack my brain for an explanation only to come to a dead end. “You must really love her.”

    I blink at him. “What makes you say that?”

    “When you talk about something you love, you have that look that closely resembles a little girl getting a puppy for her birthday.”

    I stare at him, and he ends up pushing a piece of orange chicken in my mouth. “You have a strange way with words. Say, if you could be anything you want, what would you be?”

    He stares into the distance, eyes growing misty. “I—“ He sighs, smiling sadly and flickering his gaze back to me. “It’s useless to answer—“

    I shake my head. “Best friends tell each other things.”

    Sehun concedes reluctantly, “A professor. It seems nice to be able to spend an entire day appreciating literature.”

    “If you were my professor, I’d probably be too distracted by your bone structure to pay any attention to your lectures.”

    “Don’t make it seem like you’re normally productive in your classes, missy.”

    I throw my hands up in exasperation “Tell me. Why do I even hang out with you?”

    He shushes me. “The librarian will kick us out if you’re too loud.”

    “Fred’s on lookout,” I answer dismissively, taking another bite of noodles.

    He throws me a skeptical look. “What did you do to him?”

    “I bribed him with Kungpao chicken.”

    Sehun bursts out laughing, and, despite my efforts, we’re caught by the librarian who threatens to ban us for a week.

    “I didn’t even get to finish my orange chicken,” I grumble, throwing him a glare.

    The bastard doesn’t even look apologetic when we walk to my floor. “There was one piece left.”

    I gasp in horror. “You’re a psychopath.”

    “Be careful what you wish for,” he sings creepily.

    Feigning a scared yelp, I dash ahead, escaping him. Sehun doesn’t waste a beat and chases me all the way to my floor. When we reach my door, Fred is at the end of the corridor with red cheeks as he gasps for air. Sehun and I fall to the floor laughing until my RA sends me a text message to shut the up.

    “You never told me about your dream,” he brings up once we’re alone. Fred is standing outside my door with his grim serial killer expression as usual. Sehun and I have tried telling him to loosen up because my RA’s been threatening to put Fred on our floor’s blacklist for scaring the bejeezus of my fellow floor mates.

    Let’s just say, Fred is a stubborn man.

    I throw myself on my bed. “I’m going to marry a sugar daddy and make some pocket money off of my art.”

    “Tit for tit, luv.” Sehun drops next to me. Our arms are touching, but I don’t move. “Now, be serious for once.”

    My eyes focus on the ceiling. I’ve never noticed this, but it’s ugly as hell. “I…I guess if I could choose. I’d want to open an art museum solely to help starving artists flourish.”

    I can feel his eyes on the side of my face, but I don’t turn to look at him. For some reason, I can’t. I feel too vulnerable. “What’s stopping you? Is it money?”

    I laugh bitterly. “Partly, but it’s mostly because of my mother.”

    “She’s against your passion for art?”

    “The thing is, her opinion shouldn’t matter, but—she’s my mother, you know? Just because I hate her sometimes doesn’t actually mean I hate her all the time. I really just despise the aspect of me that craves her approval. There’s this really vivid memory of me in primary school when my teacher called her to inform that I was at the top of my class. Her eyes lit up, and she just looked so happy.” I release a shallow breath. “I’d never seen her look at me with so much pride, and ever since then, that’s all I’ve been chasing.”

    Sehun squeezes my hand. “You’d be surprised how alike we are.”

    “Why? Are you afraid to be king?”

    “Not so much that. I often doubt if I’m good enough,” he confesses, surprisingly being upfront for once. “My people think that I’m a phony. And if we look at it in technical terms, I’m not the true heir to the throne.”

    I slap at his chest. “Since when were you such a wimp?”

    “I was never brave in the first place.”

    Rolling my eyes, I plop back down. “Don’t be ridiculous. Break their expectations, Sehun. You have so much ing charisma. They just haven’t gotten to know you is all. I swear. They’ll all fall in love with you once they realize what a pathetically romantic—“ I clear my voice, switching to my poorly done English accent. “—bloke you are.”

    He laughs, and when I turn to look at him, I can’t help grinning ear to ear. He doesn’t just have charisma. Sehun’s happiness is wholly infectious. “Treason, missy.”

    “Better be glad that I’m just a measly American, luv.”

    “You’re anything but measly.” He smiles thoughtfully. “You’re my best mate.”

[13]

“I’ve just noticed this, but why do you call him Sehun?” Sooyoung asks me after careful consideration.

    “Because he told me to,” I answer easily.

    She sighs like I’m dense. “I know, but why? Where does it even come from?”

    I actually have to think about this. “Well, according to what he’s told me, it was the name given to him by his birth mother.”

    “Does he know her personally?”

    I shrug, “nope, but he likes to make up tons of stories. I think he covertly craves parental affection, so it’s his way of coping.”

    She snorts. “Jesus. A man like that is way too heavy for me.”

    “Really?” I ponder aloud. “I like that about him. He’s like an art piece.”

    Sooyoung hums in agreement, “oh, totally. I can probably die happy just appreciating his beautiful face all day.”

    I shake my head. “Not like that, Soo. Let’s say I’m painting something, I come in with an initial idea of the outcome, but when I’m actually painting, the piece turns out to be significantly different. I paint and paint and I keep adding more and more layers and eventually, I stare at it with disbelief. I think to myself, ‘is this really what I had in mind?’ Not to say that it isn’t beautiful when I’m finished. It’s just different. He’s different. You feel me?”

    She blinks in confusion. “No, I did not understand a single thing behind your analogy.”

    I space out in the entirety of our study date, feeling a little lost at this slightly perplexing emotion forming in my chest.

[14]

“Alright, honey. You’re dating someone, aren’t you? Fess up. Who’s this man stealing my daughter?”

    I roll my eyes in exasperation. “What are you talking about?”

    “Your sister told me you’ve been hanging around this kid—said you were being a little sus…”

    “Dad, I think you need to stay away from your phone for the time being,” I tell him in a seriously concerned tone.

    He snorts. “You’re no fun. Your mom tells me the same thing. You two are the reason I’m this close to reaching a midlife crisis.”

    “Oh, quit with the dramatics. How did Hails even know I was hanging around a guy in the first place?”

    “Oop, did I forget to tell you that she’s planning on attending Harvard next fall? She toured your school just yesterday. Hailee said she tried to say hi to you on campus, but you were talking to a boy.”

    My phone falls from my hand, and I forget to breathe until I hear my dad calling my name repeatedly.

    “Honey, are you okay?”

    I snatch up my phone nervously and answer, “y-yep, I was just thinking how much of a nightmare next year will be.”

    My dad sighs. “Cut her some slack. She’s really gotten much better after getting on the pill.”

    “I don’t believe you,” I say in a sing-song voice.

    “Honey. You’re completely right. It’s a miracle when I don’t hear her sneaking boys in. Your mom’s really gotten on my . I’m just so worried about her. She’s like you all over again, except she doesn’t have an anchor.”

    I nibble on my bottom lip and offer him some advice on the best ways to handle her. I’m interrupted by a knock on my door. When I open my door, Sehun immediately launches in a rant about one of his professors.

    My dad proceeds to teasing me because it’s currently nine PM. Before he launches into a lecture about having safe , I end the call.

    “Sorry, did I interrupt something?” Sehun asks, staring at my now abandoned phone.

    “No worries. It was just my dad.”

    As always, Sehun can see that there’s something wrong so he pries. I evade as much as I can, but it’s useless. I can’t hide it when I’m bothered. Sooyoung tells me that I’m a literal open book.

    It’s why I didn’t have much friends in high school. I’d end up with an annoyed expression while conversing with them and they didn’t have the mental maturity to deal with me.

    So, I cave, and I tell him about the conversation with my dad. I tell him about my anxiety surrounding my little sister and her choice to attend Harvard the following year. Hailee has a big mouth, and she won’t be able to keep the secret about my major.

    He ends up reassuring me that he’s sure my dad wouldn’t let me go homeless. It’s too bad he doesn’t know the power my mother has over him, but I don’t tell him that.

    I also don’t tell him that I’m mostly afraid Hailee will take away what’s most important to me.

    When I was in high school, Hailee had been the more extroverted one out of the two of us. She made friends with my friends. I didn’t mind it then. The fact that I was hearing them speaking badly of me behind my back. I never really batted an eye when she’d hook up with my boyfriends behind my back.

    Because as much as I tried to deny it, Hailee was the better version of me.

    My mother liked her better because she was everything I wasn’t. Dad, on the other hand, had been just as weak to my little sister. Back when we’d attended the same school, Dad would pack us lunches. Because she was so sensitive, he’d only pack us whatever she’d liked. Maybe I’m overthinking all of this, but I’d been so used to being overlooked my entire life.

    Being with Sehun was freeing. It was like ice cream dates with Dad. It was Dad remembering my birthday. I felt like I could be anyone, so yeah, I couldn’t help but worry that he wouldn’t be immune to Hailee’s charms. He’d then forget about me like everybody else eventually did as they moved on to better things.

    I’d strongly remembered feeling that perplexing emotion again, yet I still couldn’t understand why I’d been so anxious in the first place.

[15]

Being his best friend had been exhausting, but for the most part, it’d been very—very fun. Sehun had the habit of forgetting to eat. I can’t even count the times when I’d open my door to see him hunched outside, passed out from hunger.

    Fred has yet to give me his thanks, but I don’t have to be a psychic to know that he appreciate my efforts.

    Now that it’s November; finally, he’s gotten into the habit of remembering to feed himself. Of course he makes me eat with him because Fred refuses to and Sehun is particular about eating alone.

    Sometimes, I question how the boy will survive the real world. He’s twenty-six, but he acts like a toddler around me that it’s almost concerning.

    He may be five years older than me, but it’s like the real life UNO reverse card. More than once, I forget he’s actually older than me. I’m pretty sure Fred forgets that too because recently, we’ve been sharing disdained looks behind Sehun’s back.

    “What the hell? Did you change my passcode?” I squawk, sitting up suddenly.

    Sehun is busy napping with one arm over his eyes to shield away the sun. He dragged me outside today to ‘study’ but he ended falling asleep not even two minutes in.

    Fred, as usual, is his stoic self, sitting across the grass and donning sunglasses. He may look like he’s slacking, but I still remember the day he almost snapped a fellow college student’s arm off for attempting to grab my .

    I sort of trust him with my life now. Sehun says that Fred actually likes me despite the constant cold shoulders.

    We’re sitting at one of the colorful tables at the Harvard Yard. It’s noon, but it’s chilly. If you were to ask me, I’d rather be in the basement.

    Sehun opens an eye in response to my sudden outburst. “Are you daft? I’m surprised you noticed just now. I did that yesterday morning.”

    My mouth falls open. “Dude, it’s my phone.”

    He doesn’t look one bit concerned. “Relax. The passcode’s my birthday.”

    “What the ?”

    He grins as if he’s conquered the world. Sehun slips his phone out from his back pocket and waves it in front of my face. “In return, I changed mine to yours. Tit for tit.”

    “First of all, tit for tit stands for retaliation. You’re completely changing the meaning as you want, and—you can’t keep touching my like this.”

    Sehun stares at me in concern. “Are you okay? You’re overreacting a tad bit.”

    “I—“ I take a deep breath. “Sehun—you’re invading my privacy.”

    He doesn’t seem to get it. “But we’re best friends?”

    “Being best friends doesn’t excuse you being everywhere. . Why are you everywhere? I’m overwhelmed. You’re overwhelming me!” I cry out, feeling lightheaded.

    He frowns. “Luv? I don’t think you’re breathing. You need to breathe.”

    He’s right. I’m not. I don’t even know why I can’t breathe anymore. I push myself off of my seat, and I bolt.

    “So, you’re telling me you just up and left?” Sooyoung reiterates when I barge into her room. She was in the middle of hooking up with someone, but he’d left in a hurry as soon as I pounded on her door, choking on air.

    I nod silently.

    “Without a single explanation?”

    I nod again.

    She takes a deep breath. “Well, has he texted you or attempted to call you?”

    I stare hopelessly at the ground. “I left all my stuff there.”

    Sooyoung groans, clutching her forehead. “Are you okay?”

    “I don’t know,” I confess.

    “Oh my god. I will kill you if you don’t stop being so ing stupid right now. I did not spend three weeks simping for him just so you can chase him out like that. I even wore my new lingerie, for ’s sakes—stop giving me those eyes.”

    “What eyes?” I ask timidly.

    “The ones that make me feel bad for taking my anger out on you,” she snaps, but Sooyoung heaves another deep breath, calming herself. “Tell me. What was the trigger to your panic attack?”

    “What? No. That wasn’t a—there’s no way,” I murmur, laughing nervously. “Why would I have a panic attack now? It’s been years.”

    “Mental health doesn’t have an expiration date, babe. It comes and goes. There must’ve been some sort of trigger. You told me that you felt like he was suddenly too close, right?”

    “It’s stupid, isn’t it?”

    “The worst thing you can do is brush it off as something inconsequential.”

    I grow silent.

    “Who do you trust?” She asks after a beat.

    I tug on my sleeve. “You, Dad, and Sehun—I think.”

    “Out of the three, who knows you the most?”

    “Dad, obviously.”

    “Think on broader terms. Like all your quirks and kinks.”

    “You.”

    “That’s cap, and you know it. Listen, honey. You’re in denial, and there’s your problem. Something is holding you back from getting close too him. You’re scared. The answer to your problems is when you find out why.”

    “But what’s the answer?”

    Sooyoung pats me on the back. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to figure that out on your own. Now, get out. As much as I love you, I haven’t gotten laid in a year. Tell me how it goes when you make up with him!”

    It was definitely easier said than done.

[16]

I show up at his room, breaking our usual routine. Sehun probably doesn’t expect to see me so soon because he looks taken aback when he pulls back his door.

    Eyebrows drawn, he stares at me expectantly.

    “Hi,” I start, mustering my courage to speak. It is an understatement to say that I am embarrassed. I’ve never broken down in front of a person in my life. I’d always done it behind closed doors.

    He doesn’t speak, urging me to continue.

    “Can you let me in?” I ask awkwardly. “Also, I brought your favorite.” Holding up a bag of gyros, I it in his arms.

    Pushing past him, I try to not mentally freak out that he’s probably scarred by earlier and never wants to speak to me again. “I’m here to apologize for earlier.”

    “Why?” It catches me off guard because it’s the first words he’s spoken.

    I avoid looking at him. “Because that was weird. I literally ran from you, Sehun. Sorry, I’m—”

    He pats his bed, and I take the spot next to him. “As far as I’m aware, you have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t realize I was overstepping my boundaries. I’d been so comfortable with you that I’ve become so unknowingly pushy. I’m the one who feels sorry—”

    I thread a shaky hand through my hair. “Sehun?”

    “Yes?”

    “The reason I freaked out was personal…” I wince. “It sounds terrible when I put it like that. I’m not articulate, but erm—see, it’s because you’re really important to me. I was confiding in Sooyoung earlier and she put me into perspective. Everything about you kind of rushed through my mind in a single second. I’m talking everything. Like the fact that you keep your toothbrush in my room or the fact that I wear your clothes all the time now or even the trivial detail of calling Fred Fred and he’s okay with it—why is he okay with it? Don’t.” I hold out a hand. “Don’t answer that. It was rhetoric. And you changed my password. I don’t even care about that anymore. Ultimately, you know when my birthday is. I…I sometimes forget when it’s my birthday. But that’s not the point. The point is my existence isn’t memorable. No one bothers to get close to me—to really know who I am. So how can you just—“

    Sehun clamps a hand over my mouth. I fall silent. “I was worried you’d have another panic attack. If I let go, promise me you’ll breathe.”

    I nod slowly. He lets go. “I just lost my train of thought.”

    He laughs at that, and it makes me laugh too.

    “I think I just can’t cope with you being who you are and enjoying my company for—who you are.” My mouth sours, and I hadn’t meant for that to come out because it wasn’t even true.

    He forces himself to smile, and my heart breaks. “So that’s what it is,” he mutters as if he’s heard those words a million times over.

    I freeze. “No!” I snatch his hand. “Sehun, that’s not something about you that matters to me. That was just coward me making excuses. The truth is I normally don’t have close friends. I don’t open up to anyone. Dad doesn’t know the extent of hatred and fear I feel about my mother. I can’t tell him. He loves her so much. It would break him. And with Sooyoung, our friendship is based on give and take. We only talk to each other when we need something. Sehun, I go to you for the smallest things. Hell, Sooyoung doesn’t know any of my professors’ names. You know that I hate Professor Gibbons and his—“

    “Fat, ist arse,” he finishes for me.

    “Exactly. That sounds childish, doesn’t it? Freaking out over such minor reasons.”

    Sehun falls on his back, stretching his arms. “When I was little, I’d have panic attacks every time my tutor taught me history. At that time, I didn’t know who I was. I distinctly remembered being gawked at by my cousins. They’d have that look in their eyes that said, ‘you’re not one of us.’ It was worse when I’d figured that they didn’t mean to react that way. It really only solidified how I felt. And by that, I mean not deserving my title. It was stupid logic, really. If I learned the history of my country, I’d be a true Englishman. I’d already known I would have to come to terms with my identity eventually. I wasn’t sure if I could handle it.”

    I drop on my back, swiftly rolling to my side to gaze at him. “What happened next?”

    “Nothing. My parents sent me to a shrink despite the whole stigma. To them, it was more important that their son was normal. The moral of the story—“ He curls on his side, exchanging eye contact with me. “There’s no age limit to growing up. At the end of the day, we’re children in adult bodies who’re scratching the surface of what it means to be human. I think there’s a difference in feeling afraid and being a coward. And you, luv, faced your fears by owning up to it.”

    I don’t realize I’m smiling until he asks me what’s so funny. “Nothing. I’m just surprised you’re better at this friend thing than I am for a guy with zero experience.”

    He snorts. “Are you kidding? You got me gyros from my favorite place. Now, that’s what I call a pro gamer move.”

    I think it could’ve possibly been love, but I was far too disgusted by his princely qualities, the art of inhaling gyros, to contemplate it.

[a/n] i'm honestly just exploring and showing you the oc's dynamic with everyone. like legit i had no plan for this chapter. it spiralled into this. 6k of word vomit.

i wanted to try best friends to lover trope. it's definitely more fun than i imagined to write. thank you for the comments ahkbgkfb i freaked out over people vibing with this weird trope. the plot is unrealistic but i wanted my story telling to depict real people with real personalities. hopefully, i was able to convey that??