“In a lifetime of mistakes, you two are the best things that have ever happened to me.”

 

I woke up with muscle ache all over my body. In addition to that, a headache and sore throat. How wonderful.   I looked around my dim room and the scatters of light coming from the curtain. I breathed out slowly and looked down to my body.   What on earth? Why am I ?   I tried to remember what happened last night. I remembered waking up to Amber sleeping on my thigh and then…   Oh my ing God!   What did I do?!   I sat up instantly and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I did not dare to turn to my side.   Amber’s going to be so angry. She’s going to hate me.   But she kissed you back! Doesn’t that mean she wanted it too?   She was drunk! She could’ve thought I was L!   Before I could comprehend my predicament, a ping sound came from my phone. I grabbed it from the night stand to see who the sender of the incoming text was.   It was from Amber: Hi Yeol, I’m sorry I had to go home. Paris left her teddy bear and nagged at me. I tried to wake you up, but I couldn’t.   I stopped reading and creased my brows at the oddity of her text. Does that mean I was dreaming? But that did not explain why I was .   A breathing sound was heard from the space next to me. My heart almost stopped beating. With a thumping heart, I spun to my side. My breath was caught when I made an outline of a figure sleeping soundlessly next to me. By this time, I still did not dare to look who this stranger next to me was. I shifted my eyes to my thick navy blue blanket. There were some spots on one area in the middle of it.   I froze.   It was blood.   Who…   I turned back to my phone to finish reading my text: Jack came over while you were asleep and I had to leave her behind because she passed out after she drank the rest of your wine. I hope you don’t mind. I’ll come back tomorrow and we’ll do something together. Good night.   No! That’s impossible! No, those spots could have been anything. She couldn’t be a !   When a significant fact dawned on my mind, I clasped my hand over my mouth.   Oh .   I heard a wince and whirled to my side. The person next to me opened her eyes.

 

∞∞∞

 

When Amber opened the door, she gasped at the sight of me before her.   “Are you okay?”   Without a word, I stepped into the property and grabbed her into a firm hold. I didn’t even consider whether she would be able to breathe or not.   “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”   I was drunk.   I didn’t know. I thought it was you.   When the alcohol invaded me, I couldn’t think straight.   All I wanted was you, and still you.   Please, give me a second chance.   My eyes warmed up and the pool of water started to flow out of the dam.   Amber’s warm hand my back and she hugged me tight without a word.   “Oppa… are you okay?” At some point, I heard a faint voice which belonged to Paris, but I wasn’t sure whether it was real or not.   “Paris,” I heard Amber’s voice clearly, “can you plesae text Jack and Henry that we aren’t going out today?”   The mention of the name stabbed me on the heart. Again.   How could I do that?   I should have controlled myself.   I should have told myself that it wasn’t Amber.   Amber couldn’t have kissed me back.   She doesn’t love me.   As this truth returned to me, I felt hard blows all over my chest and gut. I could not remember how long I had made a fool out of myself in front of Amber and Paris. Though, I could remember how hard it was to talk to her, how hard it was to breathe, how hard it was to forget… The guilt I felt was so unfathomable and I did not know what could have made it better. I did not look up and kept my face in Amber’s shoulder as I held her for my life. She felt so small in my arms and as much as I’d like to say she fitted perfectly, it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t complete. Nevertheless, I held on to her.   “I’m really sorry. Please give me a chance.”   She didn’t know what I kept murmuring about, but she said, “I will. I’m here.”   “Mumma, what’s wrong with Oppa?” Paris’ distant voice passed my ear.   Amber shushed her and rubbed my back gently. I felt a small figure on my back hugging me, adding on to the comfort offered by Amber. The hordes of hot tears came in tandem. When I thought I was done, the prick of breathlessness arrested me once more and I surrendered again into Amber’s embrace. Although my chest burned from the heaving, I could still breathe in her scent. I had memorised it the past years, but last night, I was too clouded with alcohol and desire that I did not stop and think at the differences in the body scent and features.   Amber did not say anything the whole time I held on to her and begged for her forgiveness, no matter how silly it sounded. No mellifluous words, no reassurance, no question, nothing. She just held me there as if telling me that I’ve got her and she’ll always be there whenever I need her.   It wasn’t right. After last night, how could I deserve her?

 

∞∞∞

 

I opened my heavy eyes to find myself in a warm room under a lukewarm blanket. The familiar feminine scent hit my nose and I discovered myself in Amber’s room. The curtain was closed. Amber’s desk lamp was the only source of light. I found Paris sleeping between Amber and me. They were both sound asleep.   With all the strength I could muster, I sat up and took a deep breath. I glided towards Amber’s desk to look for a piece of paper and a pen to write on from the desk. I took an A4 paper from the printer and searched for Amber’s pencil case in one of the drawers. I could have texted her, but I didn’t want to. I slid open one drawer to find a small, thick brown journal. I spun to the bed to make sure the two ladies remained asleep.   I sat down on the desk and stared at the object before me. I knew it was rude to look into other people’s journal, but I also knew I had no chance with Amber anyway, whether I read into her innermost feelings or not. Besides, who wouldn’t be tempted when the diary of the person you yearn for is right in front of you?  

It has been three months, Myung Soo. I’m 22 weeks today.

Min Ho has sent a letter to our apartment, but there was no reply.

Are you in hiding? Or did your dad catch you?

Or… did you simply change your mind? Did you give up on me?

  Amber wrote almost every day throughout her pregnancy since that day, with a photo of her growing stomach underneath some entries. I guessed she bought the diary on the day she commenced her writing.  

It’s so hard to keep going, Myung Soo. I’m trying to so hard to stay optimistic for this baby and us, but your whereabouts is still in question and it bothers me so much that you don’t make time to even write to me or any of us. Can’t you please just give some clues on whe