Finale is here :)

#Less proof-read so excuse me for some grammar mistakes ^^

He put the small thin book inside a gift box. Pulling the drawer, the box is settled on top of the many other books he has been reading. There is some that he hasn’t finished just yet; some Korean literature novel books, English novel, Chinese learning book and so on. But then he has no time anymore for them. Shutting the drawer with one last look at the gift box, he smiles sadly.

His watch draped around his wrist shows it’s almost time for him to leave. Standing up from his desk, he glances a last look around his bedroom. He is going to miss them for sure, though he is living alone here and sometimes it gets so lonely but this is still his home. And he is going to miss how much time he has spent here resting, writing lyrics, sleeping, playing around and all.

He walks out from his apartment, making sure to turn off all the electrical appliances except for the fridge, because he won’t be coming here anymore and others won’t be too for quite some times; or maybe Hyukjae will. The thought of his dear boyfriend waiting for him in his apartment—Hyukjae’s, brings sorrow to his heart. Tonight is the last night they will be together, after this they won’t be seeing each other anymore.

What else could he have said? As much as it is unexpected to be brought to life for only 24 hours, he does feel grateful. At least, he can enjoy the last moment of his life at the fullest; although there are still a lot he wishes he can do. But this is sufficient enough, because nothing precious in the world could have ever replaced the time with your beloved one.

“I’m going to miss this place.” He runs his hand onto the doorframe of his bedroom, taking steps to the kitchen next, his living room, those shelf he’s keeping his trophies, the pictures of him and s, of Hyukjae and him enjoying view of sunrise in Tokyo. He is going to miss them all along with the memories he has made.

Donghae’s heart clenches tight. He wonders how much pain everyone would have felt if he’s gone. But what’s bugging his mind the most is how Hyukjae will react? He knows the older is such a soft-hearted person and Donghae doesn’t want to see him suffer, he wishes they would have more time and the older can live his life taking the chance Donghae is giving him inside the gift box. Not looking back, with a loud yet relief sigh he walks to the door. Opening them and Donghae is ready for another one last chance.

He has no regrets anymore, everything is in place. He has more than what he ever wished for and God has always been fair. He’s ready to die tonight.

On the very next day, Hyukjae decides to stay at his parents’ house. He can’t afford to worry his mother anymore and so does s—especially Leeteuk since the leader would always visit him and give him food since his stays at Donghae’s apartment. The rest of Suju would also have to come and see him and that’s enough of him troubling all of them. So he gives in to his mother’s request and go home.

The pain has lessened a bit but when his thought brings him to Donghae, it’s like reopening a barely closed wound and stabbing them with a knife. So he tries not to think of it anymore, he feels tired crying and wailing like no tomorrow. Besides, scaring away his family is the last thing he ever wanted. They have enough trauma watching him living like a walking skeleton nowadays; not undead but not even alive.

His older sister Sora is always there with him; sitting with him before the TV, eating together with him, stay up with Hyukjae in his room and talk about almost everything but not Donghae. She knows how sensitive the issue is and until now, Hyukjae still has nightmares of that night. Although with his nightmares and insomnia kicking in, Hyukjae refuses to go to therapy as Leeteuk per requested.

The flash drive is safely tucked inside his jacket by his wardrobe. Hyukjae has no courage to open them, because he knows if he does so, it might be his last goodbye to Donghae.

And saying goodbye is the last thing Hyukjae has no courage to.

7 weeks later

It’s been a month and a half since Donghae’s death. Some of the members are continuing their life per usual yet not the same. Fans are still mourning and so does Hyukjae himself though he can slowly live with it now. He has never walked out from his parents’ house, staying there like he has nothing to do and he is glad his parents don’t really mind it. They are glad that at least Hyukjae is not alone.

The other members would come and visit him often, even Kyuhyun whom Hyukjae hasn’t been talking to since their fight 4 weeks ago. Truthfully speaking, Hyukjae wants to reach out to the maknae first but he has no courage to do so. As when he thinks back at how rude he is that day, he is afraid Kyuhyun would just be angrier at him; although it’s not in the younger’s personality to hold grudges on others.

“You seem well.” Hyukjae said first when Kyuhyun, Leeteuk, Heechul and Shindong come to visit him. The maknae really does look well in Hyukjae’s eyes; though he wants to say something about his longer hair but he settles on not saying anything.

“Yeah. You too, hyung.” Kyuhyun looks awkward and God how Hyukjae wishes somebody could just grab the awkwardness away and let them talk like normal. “Kyu, I’m sorry for yelling at you.” Hyukjae apologizes, not wanting to drag it much longer because he really does miss his maknae.

Kyuhyun seems awkward at first but then a small smile seeping through his expression. “Technically you were yelling at Teukkie hyung first but apology accepted.” And he just has to be sarcastic but Hyukjae doesn’t mind. When he hugs Kyuhyun, he knows that mending the bond between the living is his priority rather than thinking about them who are gone all the time. Hyukjae might have missed Donghae in this lifetime, but he can’t possibly neglect and lose the rest. He just have to move on.

“Think of all the good things about Donghae. He’s in the better place now.”

So he chooses to go to this therapy Leeteuk is talking about.

“Hyukkie.”

When Hyukjae opens his eyes, it’s Donghae’s face greeting him in all those shimmering lights from the window. He groans out in sleepiness, trying to pull the blanket but it’s nowhere to be reached. Donghae’s chuckling watching his antics. “Hyukkie, we have to wake up now.” His velvety voice brings so much long forgotten warmth in Hyukjae that he chooses waking up is definitely not the first option. Somehow he manages to drape his hands around Donghae’s neck and pulls him to the bed with him. He settles on Donghae’s broad chest and traps his waist with both his legs.

“H—Hyukkie, you’re holding me too t—tight.” Donghae tries to break free but he won’t budge an inch. “5 more minutes…” He hums as he closes his eyes and welcomes the sleep, Donghae is no longer struggling under him when Hyukjae loosens his grips. The tender hands holding Hyukjae tenderly and kisses on the elder’s raven head lull him to sleep. Hyukjae smiles knowing this right here is his heaven, his sanctuary, his home.

And Donghae’s sweet voice he has been missing so much could trap him in all darkness yet Hyukjae can’t be bothered by it. Because he is protected. “Hyukkie, you have to wake up.”

That is the first time Hyukjae dreams of Donghae without opening his eyes in the middle of the night panting, screaming and crying his eyes out until he passes out. It’s a positive progress, like what his therapist said that when he is slowly making peace with himself, even his dreams would be positive. Or maybe just like what Heechul said, it’s just Donghae visiting Hyukjae in dreams because he misses him.

And Hyukjae is missing him; so much until it’s unbearable. But he will try to bear with it.

He doesn’t want to lose himself in sadness anymore. Sure, he cries himself sometimes whenever he thinks about Donghae or when he finds some articles online about his death and hearing people talking about it. But Hyukjae just thought that maybe this is how it is supposed to be; him fighting his own depression and live with what Donghae has left behind.

“Move on and remember him at his best.” Hyukjae doesn’t want to admit it but Siwon is always right. This time, he doesn’t fail to be right again.

Thus here Hyukjae is, along with Leeteuk, Heechul, Siwon, Yesung and Ryeowook tidying up Donghae’s apartment that has been neglected for so long. Boxes and trash bags everywhere as they get rid of the piling up dusts. Siwon has said that maybe some other goods can be donated, and Donghae has told him the night they had dinner about it that the younger did have a plan for donation. Hyukjae doesn’t say anything about that. Maybe what the others said is true; Donghae really does know about his limited time. On how, Hyukjae doesn’t want to think about it.

He’s tidying up the shelves in the bedroom—thank God Donghae doesn’t have much shelves for him to sort out, and that’s when he has found it, Donghae’s Nikon camera he used to bring wherever he goes to. Fumbling with the camera because Hyukjae actually has no clue how to use it properly, he manages to turn it on. The screen flashes with its dim light and he sees the menu, he searches for the gallery and opens it.

Ironically the first picture he sees is the picture of their last concert; the Blue Sapphire’s ocean with all the light sticks in the air waving at them. Hyukjae remembers how amazing the Super Show has been and always have. He clicks on the next picture and a smile lights up on his face. It’s the picture of Super Junior; all active members on one stage. Hyukjae remembers how Donghae literally drags their manager onto the stage to help him capture the moment.

He doesn’t even realize he’s been sitting on Donghae’s bed by now, as he’s too immersed watching the pictures one by one with mesmerizing eyes. Then the screen shows one picture that makes his eyes glistening with tears. It’s the picture of both of them; Hyukjae and Donghae, hands in hands watching the sunrise in Tokyo. Hyukjae remembers how Donghae is so adamant on taking pictures of them that first day of New Year, bringing along a camera stand all the way from his car. He is so adorable that time and Hyukjae can’t stop loving him.

Even until now with he’s gone, Hyukjae still loves him.

The picture of Hyukjae sleeping meeting his gaze, he chuckles lightly looking at his own face. God, he looks hideous and so inappropriate with all those drools and messy hair. Donghae must have taken them in secret. That sneaky brat….

He doesn’t even realize how long time has passed, or the wet on his cheeks until someone’s tapping his shoulder. Hyukjae looks up to meet Leeteuk’s gaze. He’s quick to wipe the tears with his sleeve and put the camera down. “Hyung! I—I’m sorry. I’ll go and continue packing now—” He’s in a rush to come down from the bed but Leeteuk stops him.

“Whoa, slow down Hyukjae—ah. It’s alright. Everyone is taking a break too.” He said softly, eyes lingering on the camera over the bed. “May I see them too?”

Hyukjae hands it to the leader and they watch along to all the contents inside the camera. Both are admiring the pictures Donghae has taken but Leeteuk is more intrigued by them than the flustered Hyukjae. He can’t believe he has just cried in front of the older, that’s so embarrassing.

“I could have never believed Donghae is so good in taking pictures.” Leeteuk at one point voices out and Hyukjae is internally grateful for the usage of present tense. He has always found it a bit revolting to hear people talking about Donghae in the past. Making him all uncomfortable and much sad.

Hyukjae shrugs his shoulders, “He has always been good in them. It’s his hobby.” He said and Leeteuk nods along with eyes still looking at those random pictures of clouds, rainy days, coffee time and others. Basically everything that Donghae thoughts looks good if he takes a picture of them. Leeteuk chuckles softly.

“Do you still remember our visit to Switzerland?” Leeteuk suddenly reminiscing the old time and Hyukjae’s smile lightens up. How can he forget those times? He won’t be even if he wanted to. There is so many unforgettable witty moments with the leader and Donghae that Hyukjae treasures so much. Leeteuk is glad to see him smiling again. “He can just take all the pictures there by his phone but he said he needed to use a camera. For ph—”

“For photogenic purposes.” Hyukjae said at the same time as Leeteuk, and both of them start to laugh. “Yeah I remember it hyung. Even after I told him those pictures he took wasn’t that good he still insisted on using this camera. Almost half of them were blurry though.” Hyukjae laughs at his own words, remembering the bickering he had with Donghae.

“Yeah. But he did it because he wanted to learn.”

“And then he got so good at them.” Hyukjae followed after Leeteuk’s remarks. Now their smiles turn nostalgic, alike sad but warm. Hyukjae sighs aloud this time. “I really miss him, hyung.” His eyes turn glassy but before the tears could flow down, Leeteuk has already gathered him for a hug. His hold onto Hyukjae isn’t tight but it brings secure in the younger’s heavy heart.

“I miss him too, Hyukjae. We all do.” By the time he said that, a small sob escapes Hyukjae’s mouth. Leeteuk holds onto him tighter, as they basked in the moment remembering Donghae.

Lee Donghae whom they loved so much.

“Have you open the flash drive?”

Leeteuk asks him that same night, when all of them are leaving the small diner after dinner. Siwon, Yesung and Ryeowook have left to their own houses meanwhile Heechul for his schedule. It’s only Leeteuk and Hyukjae left as they walk to the elder’s car.