(Try to listen and you will feel Hyukjae's emotions. I'm writing this while listening to it.) =)

*There's a combination between past & present in this chap hopefully none of u get confused*

Everything comes out in blur the next hours that passed. But Hyukjae still could remember each details of what has taken place despite how much a wreck he is right now, sitting by the side of the bed—Donghae’s bed, wearing those all-black uncomfortable suit. And there is only one occasion he would wear them to…..

⇔≈♦≈⇔

Right after he has called Leeteuk this early morning, Hyukjae keeps on holding to Donghae’s body until the leader will come. He loses track of time while crying begging the younger to open his eyes despite the realization of what is happening. The cold emitting from Donghae’s body doesn’t bother him at all. It only makes him clutching onto him much tighter, not wanting to let go.

He can’t let go. He refuses to…. This can’t be happening.

“H—Hae…” Hyukjae wails out for the younger’s name, he keeps thinking how can it be like this? How did the younger could possibly suddenly pas—

No. This must be a lie. Maybe, just maybe, Donghae is in a deep sleep. He is sleeping so deeply until not even the countless slaps Hyukjae has been giving could wake him up. Yes, that must be the explanation. Besides, Donghae has been very busy nowadays writing lyrics and composing new songs for the group and D&E. He is just tired and now is the time where his brain is shutting down temporarily to replenish his energy. He will wake up soon.

And the cold? It’s just a cold. Plus, it’s colder nowadays so that would make sense why Donghae’s body is seeping out coldness. Hyukjae is not holding him properly though. Yes! That’s it! He’s not giving him enough warmth. So Hyukjae pulls on the blanket by the floor using only one hand with so much struggle but he did it nonetheless. He drapes it over both of their bodies; more on Donghae’s so that the younger won’t be cold. After wrapping him up in the bundle, Hyukjae is certain it would only take some times before he is warmed up again. Yes, Donghae is just cold and after he is all warmed up and sleep well he will wake up again, greeting Hyukjae and be all worried watching him crying then laughing his off because the older is stupidly crying like babies.

Yes, Donghae will be just fine. He is always fine. This is nothing. He will wake up soon and Hyukjae just needs to wait.

So he waits…..and wait…..and wait….and where the damn ing hell is Leeteuk?!

“Y—You are just sl—sleeping right, Donghae?” He sniffs as his hand keeps on patting the other’s cold cheek, wanting to relay his warm to the man in his arms. Donghae looks so pale but Hyukjae won’t acknowledge that—no matter how hard it is for him to deny it. He keeps on repeating inside his head that Donghae is just sleeping and he will wake up soon. Everything will be just fine.

“Y—You’ve promised me we’ll g—go to Greece together. It’s still a d—deal, right? We are going right?”

No one answers him, everything is a deafening silence except for the occasional sniffling and constricted sobs coming out from his tight throat. Hyukjae’s head is aching badly but he doesn’t care about it now. What matters the most is to keep Donghae warm so he will wake up without catching a cold.

Please wake up. That’s all Hyukjae ever wishes for. He wants Donghae to wake up.

He fixes on the blanket over his boyfriend’s body, making sure all part of him is covered by it. His puffy eyes are swollen badly because of his blurred vision yet it doesn’t stop him from rocking the younger’s body back and forth to comfort him. “We will go.” Hyukjae sounds so confident though both his hands are trembling vigorously. “W—We will definitely go. I will take you there, Hae. Y—You said you want me to take you there, right?” Donghae’s mouth is still tightly shut. No air nor voice coming out from him and that is enough to shatter every hopes in Hyukjae’s bones. He scrunches his face up painfully, wanting nothing else other than his boyfriend to just open his eyes.

But Donghae looks so ….. Calm. Hyukjae has never seen him sleeping like this; like nothing could have bothered him anymore and that is what scared the out of him so much. The reality he’s trying so hard to block out won’t leave him be. It keeps pounding his heart and mind to accept the truth. That his Lee Donghae is indeed gone.

So Hyukjae wails out again, much louder this time as he rested his forehead onto Donghae’s. More coldness greeting him and that’s his breakdown. Not even when he’s pecking on those bluish pale lips does Donghae return them. Those flesh just stay still with no movement, no air coming out of it at all. Hyukjae is reaching his limit as he cries and holds onto him tighter. “Donghae please!! W—Why is this happening?” He’s closing his eyes and keeps on pecking him on his lips. Now even kissing him passionately but he couldn’t continue on. There is no warm over those lips and Hyukjae is becoming sick with all the cold. He opens his eyes to look at those closed lids that will never open again for him. He would have never be able to see those beautiful brown orbs ever again. “God please!!! Please don’t do this to me!!!” He wails loudly. “PLEASE!!!”

The sound of somebody punching in the passcode outside is heard but Hyukjae could care less of who is it. Even when the front door is opened harshly and his bedroom’s door next, he doesn’t make a move. Not even when a loud gasp somewhere by somebody inside his room can make him move an inch. Only the rising chest and hitching of his breath filling in the room. A pair of hands are holding him, trying to break him free from Donghae’s body. That’s when he loses it.

“NO!! Let me go!!” Hyukjae screams but with every loud notch he’s giving out, more rougher and tighter the hands are holding him. He fights back while still struggling to hold onto Donghae. “D—Don’t take him away from me!! NO!!”

“Hyukjae please! You’re making it worse!” It’s Heechul’s voice as the older is fighting a trashing Hyukjae in his arms. Despite a leg injury, Heechul is surely strong enough to pry him off Donghae. He is separated later with another pair of hands belonged to Leeteuk. He fights more, he just wants them to leave him and Donghae alone.

Hyukjae is pulled to the floor then inside Heechul’s embrace. Heechul is locking him down tight making Hyukjae unable to make a single move. Though his hands keep reaching out and pulling Leeteuk’s clothes to get the leader away from Donghae’s body. When he sees Leeteuk pulling off the blanket from Donghae, Hyukjae starts to scream loudly. “Stop it hyung! He’s cold!! Put it back on!!”

But of course nobody is listening to him. Hyukjae helplessly watches Leeteuk inspecting Donghae closely, intently staring at his face before the leader moves his hand to his neck searching for pulse; same technique Hyukjae used before. Both Heechul and him watch how Leeteuk’s face slowly falling down with white coloring his complexion. He let out a shudder of breath, then slowly back away but this time he’s searching the pulse over Donghae’s wrist.

Leeteuk starts to sob, his pale face turns red and his mouth keeps opening then closing like a fish. He looks like trying to say something but no words coming out from him. His gestures scared Heechul so much. “Jungsoo—ah?” Only when he calls for the leader does Leeteuk turns to his side meeting Heechul and Hyukjae’s eyes, the redness in his eyes alarming them two. Leeteuk inhales sharply before he opens his mouth to convey the bad news.

“H—He’s—….D—Donghae is g—gone.”

Heechul’s grip on Hyukjae is loosened instantly. He scrambles up from the floor and pushes Leeteuk to the side, almost knocking the leader off the bed. He frantically searches for pulse over Donghae’s neck and wrist, then using two fingers he put it under his nose trying to feel any air. But Heechul finds none and Hyukjae’s loud wails from the floor are not helping him at all.

Heechul cups both Donghae’s cold cheeks—how can anyone’s body feel this cold? He pats on them softly while calling his name. “D—Donghae?” He pats more while calling him but like Hyukjae, Heechul is met with no answers to his call. Yet neither do he yell nor does he wail, Heechul only sob softly as he keeps his trembling hands cupping Donghae’s cheeks. He is still calling for his favorite dongsaeng. “L—Lee Dongh—hae, w—wake up. Pl—Please wake up.”

Donghae is not opening his mouth nor eyes. He doesn’t even answering to any of their calls. Heechul’s sobs turn louder as he buries his head onto the man’s chest, calling forhis name countless of times. Leeteuk is already taking a messy Hyukjae inside his arms, the latter isn’t in a great shape either. He keeps wailing, saying things none of Leeteuk and Heechul could comprehend in this moment.

“Yo—You said you won’t l—leave me!” Hyukjae wails as loud as the sound of their hearts breaking apart. His whole face is red and he can’t stop crying when the reality is sinking deeper and deeper with no way Hyukjae to resurface. The hold of a crying Leeteuk over his body can’t keep him away from drowning. “Lee Donghae you’ve promised me!!!!! Donghae!!!!! YAHHH!!!!” Hyukjae can’t even remember when he ever stops screaming for him.

Hyukjae has been trying to keep his tears from falling down his eyes and hindering his frustration from taking over until he would say things he’s going to regret soon. So he could only focus his eyes onto the road, occasionally glancing to his side towards Donghae who’s been keeping his eyes outside for God knows how long. No one is saying anything, probably too immersed in their earlier talk.

Hyukjae couldn’t understand it. Why isn’t Donghae telling him anything? Ever since in the restaurant earlier, when he’s meeting the members, he’s been acting much weirder than before. Not to mention the things that happened afterwards when they are about to leave. How he would hug them one by one when before this Donghae would just settle for a simple high five or a wave before moving to his car and leave. But his actions tonight are just off. He is acting so strange—Hyukjae is losing counts how many times he has been calling the other that, and the fact that he won’t tell Hyukjae anything is making the older so frustrated. He feels the urge to just punch the mirror to release his anger.

But he knows nothing could would come out of it. Anger has never been able to solve things. So Hyukjae takes a deep breath, keep his cool and just waits for Donghae to say anything. Maybe time is all the younger needs.

“Oh look.” Out of sudden Donghae voices out while pointing to something outside the window. Hyukjae stretches his neck to see what’s so interesting there, luckily the traffic light is on red so he doesn’t have to mind the moving cars. Looking at the point where Donghae is pointing at, Hyukjae sees some group of buskers surrounded by people along the sidewalks. Hyukjae smiles, he knows how Donghae has always been fascinated with such trivial things.

‘Don’t belittle trivial things, who knows one day they are going to be bigger than Super Junior! They could be much famous than us!’ He remembers what Donghae used to say to him and the rest whenever they would stumble across a group of buskers on the street. Donghae would then drag the rest—Hyukjae particularly to listen to them. And of course, Hyukjae can’t ever deny his request.

He watches Donghae’s side profile as he is too immersed watching the group from behind the window. So he asks him, “Do you want to pull over and watch?” Donghae turns around, his eyes wide like a Nemo and Hyukjae swears his heart is taking a leap now. But he sees his boyfriend smiles softly while shaking his head.

“No, it’s okay. Let’s just go home.”

Hyukjae raises one eyebrow up. “But I thought you want to watch it. You like it.” He tries to convince him but Donghae is still adamant on not seeing them. He is still smiling when he says, “I just want to spend the rest of this night with you, Hyukkie.”

Okay, that surely gets Hyukjae on edge because he can’t stop his cheeks from blushing and his smile from beaming up wide. Donghae laughs at him, poking his cheek and calling him ‘cutie’. Which Hyukjae denies strongly because nobody can beat Donghae’s cuteness.

“Are you sure? We still got time before bedtime you know.” He tries again when the light has turned green. But Donghae just shakes his head and urges Hyukjae to drive home instead. So Hyukjae obeys.

When they have arrived at the basement parking lots, they stay in brief silence before Hyukjae feels his hand is taken into a soft one right after he has unbuckled his seatbelt.  He looks to the side and watches as Donghae is leaning into him and gives a kiss to Hyukjae’s lips; surprising the older. When he breaks the kiss, Hyukjae is all smiling with pink hue over both his cheeks. The distance between them isn’t that much far away though because he still can feel Donghae’s hot breath over his lips. “What’s with that so sudden?”

Donghae only smiles, this time it reaches his ears and Hyukjae is relieved. He spoons him in for a hug as they keep still in that position for minutes none of them care to count. Hyukjae doesn’t mind how much his back is hurting from the uncomfortable position as long as he gets to have his Donghae in his arms again; his warm and lovely Lee Donghae who he loves so much.

Hyukjae can feel Donghae’s racing heartbeat over his own, “Let’s get inside, Hyukkie.” Donghae said with Hyukjae still in his arms. The older holds him tighter though, reluctant to let go of this warm. “5 minutes.” He mutters before burying his head in Donghae’s neck. “You’re so warm.”

He hears Donghae chuckling lively, the vibration emitting from his chest gives thousands pleasant chills down Hyukjae’s body. It feels good and he loves the butterflies fluttering in his stomach and chest. He misses Donghae badly to the point letting him go only for their short ride upstairs his apartment seems like too much.

Hyukjae loves him so much, and he wants Donghae to know it. “You do know how much I love you, right?” He said then their hug is broken, but Donghae is pecking his forehead affectionately and Hyukjae knows the answer.

“Of course I do. And I love you even much Hyukkie.”

Hyukjae will forever remember Donghae’s smile that night in his mind until the day he dies.

There is a knock over the door but Hyukjae is too tired to stand up and open it. Besides, it’s not even locked in the first place. Whoever is knocking must have been either too polite or too disturbed on how to communicate with him at the moment. The door is finally opened but Hyukjae can’t see who it is. He is sitting by the foot of bed facing the window, his back over the door. Footsteps echoed in the room and then he hears a shuffling by the floor. A body is shifted beside him but he is too wrapped up in his mind to care who the hell it is.

Judging by the expensive cologne, it’s either Kyuhyun, Leeteuk, Yesung or Siwon but then when he recalls it back everybody in the group is wearing expensive cologne. Including Donghae. Hyukjae’s heart sinks deeper remembering the younger whom they have buried about an hour ago. Now everyone is taking their time and rest after the funeral, of course, with Hyukjae not leaving Donghae’s bedroom for the whole day. He just wants to stay here, reminiscing the last pieces of the man he would ever love and never expects to suddenly dead right beside him—in his arms, last night. Oh, just by the thought Hyukjae feels like vomiting.

He doesn’t know how long have the person been sitting in silence beside him before he eventually talks, “You need to change your clothes, Hyukjae. It’s almost dinner.” Only then he knows it’s Siwon, and he sounds so worried and hoarse and broken; everything all of them are at this moment. Hyukjae doesn’t answer him, still looking to nothing at the wall. Siwon tries again. “Your mother is here.” Hyukjae almost scoffs because apparently everybody’s mothers are here, in Donghae’s parents’ house in Mokpo; his village where they have buried him alongside his father’s gravestone. He doesn’t want to know though how long everybody will stay here.

“She’s cooking dinner for all of us tonight. She said you should change your clothes.” Siwon said but Hyukjae is still not moving from his spot; both knees bended with arms resting upon them and looking to nowhere at the walls of Donghae’s room in Mokpo. Although the latter hasn’t been staying here anymore, the room still smell like him and that stings so badly in Hyukjae’s heart. Siwon on the other hand is waiting patiently for anything from Hyukjae. But nothing comes out from him, not even a whimper or a cry or even a wail like how he did so back in the funeral. God, Hyukjae is the definition of real mess back then until he ends up passed out in the middle of the ceremony. Everyone feels bad for him.

Siwon sighs loudly, as he gets up from the cold floor and takes one blanket on the bed to drape Hyukjae’s body. At least if he’s going to mourn all night long, he won’t be catching a cold. “We will wait for you outside okay?” Siwon said with still no response from Hyukjae. So he comes out, disappointed for not being able to help his brother.

“Hyukkie.”

Hyukjae turns around to meet Donghae in the eye. They are currently standing at the doorway of Hyukjae’s apartment, taking off their shoes to get inside when out of sudden the younger is