D-90

 

It’s all the same. It’s always the same. The routine, the indifference, the loneliness, the void. Losing the will to live is dangerous, they say, but do they know about not having a will for both life and death? 

 

Kang Brian is at a point in his life where he’s indifferent to both life and death. If he lives, then he lives. He’s fine with just existing. If he dies, then he dies. What difference would it make?

 

It’s all the same.

 

The same apartment, same streets, same office, same people, same lifestyle. Everything is too consistent that he’s just living on autopilot. Wake up, get ready, go to work, come back home, eat, sleep, then repeat. And Brian is satisfied with what he has. He never wishes for more. He does not wish to be in the black hole of greed. 

 

Today is also the same. Except it’s not. He feels weird, the haze of monotony getting thicker around him, further disconnecting him from the outside world. It’s not a bad feeling per se, and that’s probably what’s making it even weirder. He blames it on the dream he had the previous night. Well, dreams are also a part of his routine, especially this one with his late parents and foster mother. This one usually makes him less lonely, reminding him that once he had a family. And they’re usually smiling at him, telling him encouraging words. 

 

However, in last night’s dream, they were telling him how much they missed him, and wanted him to visit. It soon turned into a nightmare when their faces changed and they started chasing him. Brian was panicking in his sleep, wanting to wake himself up to no vail. 

 

Suddenly, a blinding golden light saved him, that certain light that always saves him from his nightmares. It instantly calmed him down and reassured him, knowing that even if it’s just a bad dream, nothing would hurt him in there, when the light is by his side.

 

He was slowly emerging back to consciousness, a soothing warmth flooding his body, flowing from his head down to his toes. In his sleepy state, his eyes fluttered open for a fraction of second, and a smile automatically found its way to his lips. There it was, the blinding light and the silhouette, just like it’s always there whenever he’s having a perturbed sleep. The warmth dragged him back to sleep before he could further study the face looking down at him.

 

Brian is not sure how much of it is in his head. At first he thought it was part of his dreams, but for it to keep repeating for years, he highly doubts his imagination is that creative. A crazy part of his mind refers to the person appearing with the light as his guardian angel. Maybe they do exist after all. 

 

Anyways, Brian refuses to further think about his dream, and ignores all the forbidding dullness lingering around him. He realizes what a mistake that was when he’s about to reach his workplace. He’s so used to the morning buzz that all the loud noises don’t alarm him or distract him anymore. So he definitely doesn’t pay the loud cracking sound any mind, never thinking that it would be raining rocks just a moment after. Hell, he doesn’t realize that there are rocks coming from above until something firm pushes him back. A body. Someone. 

 

Amidst the shock and panic, his brain register that the source of the push remains unknown, invisible. However, before his body could hit the ground, a light flashes in front of his eyes, and there, atop of him, there’s a guy. His head, then, hits the ground, hard. The last thing he sees before loosing consciousness is a pair of weirdly familiar eyes, and another rock falling his way. 

 

‘Are those, wings?’ was his last thought. 

 

 

 

 

D-89

 

Park Jaehyung is so peaceful when he’s asleep, a stark difference to the glare and the hard look he’s given Brian when he was awake the previous day. Can he blame him, though? The guy was hit by a rock, on the head, while saving Brian from death. It’s a miracle he’s still alive, really. And Brian is glad he’s still alive. He doesn’t know how he’d go on with his life with the knowledge that a stranger has died saving him. 

 

A stranger, huh?

 

Brian takes a seat at the corner fo the room, and opens his bag to get his sketchbook. His special sketchbook. There are only a few drawings on it so far, body parts and incomplete faces, something that Brian does not usually draw. He’s thought his inspiration for them was out of his imagination and dreams for so long. But after studying them one by one through the whole night, and comparing them to the sleeping person on the hospital bed, he finally reaches the conclusion that no, he’s not losing his mind, and yes, he’s seen the guy before. When and where, that’s the tricky part.

 

‘It’s all your fault!’ Jaehyung has screamed as soon as he’s first seen him, and something inside of Brian tells him that there’s a whole different reason under that fury other than being hurt. He tries to think of other possible reasons, but comes with none. If this guy is really and angel or whatever mythical creature Brian believes him to be, then that opens the door for millions of possibilities and more. 

 

‘Who are you, exactly?’ He wonders, staring at the sleeping guy. 

 

Brian can almost confirm that he’s an angel, seeing him like that. And suddenly, he’s hit with an urge to draw, his pencil moving smoothly over the pristine paper. He barely feels the need to study the guy’s face more than a few seconds every now and then, the curves and lines of Jaehyung’s face coming to him almost like a distant memory, a sense of deja vu. 

 

 

 

D-58

 

Brian has never been scared of the dark, or ghosts, or even animals and insects, but his greatest fear has always been affection. Whether giving or receiving, affection scared him more than anything else -even more than heights. He doesn’t like people getting too close to him, just as much as he avoids getting too close to people. A distance should always be kept. That’s his first rule. Sungjin was an exception, but even with him, Brian has never been totally open and accepting of his feelings, thus their breakup. They’re better off as friends, it seems.  

 

Brian would usually blame his fear of affection to him not being a warm person, in general. He believes that things like affection and love should be taught since a young age, but he didn’t have the chance for that. Learning how to love starts with parents, and that’s something he didn’t have for too long. 

 

However, if he stops with the non sense excuses, and starts being more genuine with himself, Brian would realize that he doesn’t fear love. 

 

Parents hug their children after a long day at school, friends joking and laughing with each other, couples holding hands and hugging, he always watch those with a bittersweet smile. Why would anyone be scared of such moments? No, Brian wants to have people like that in his life. Brian yearns for that. 

 

What Brian really fears, what he’ll give up any type of affection just to avoid, is the loss. He hates loss, no matter the cause of it, be it death, separation, breakup, betrayal, anything. He hates it all the same. 

 

Loss is scary. Loss takes away the dearest people from you without asking for permission. It’s sudden and cruel, and life will never be the same, ever again. Brian’s life has not been the same for longer than he can remember. He’s promised himself that he won’t allow for himself to lose anyone, ever again. And for that, he shouldn’t have someone to lose, in the first place.

 

 

Brian has been doing a great job at keeping that promise. That, until Park Jaehyung happened. 

 

 

“Can I give you a hug?” Was Jae’s answer. ‘I’m never coming back’, was what he meant. 

 

It was useless for him to hope, really. He’s knows since the very beginning that Jae won’t be staying, that his existence in Brian’s life is temporary. And Jae shouldn’t be anything more than an acquaintance for him, a responsibility thrown at him to take care of. A duty. 

 

But Jae is very interesting, and Brian is very curious. And that has turned out to be a lethal combination, to say the least. 

 

Without him realizing it, or thinking of stopping it, Brian has allowed for Jae to parade into his life, his heart, and even his house. He’s let him invade every personal space he cherished, and break every unspoken rule he put for himself. And the worst of it all, he doesn’t mind any of it. 

 

 

Despite his endless fear, Brian accepts Jae’s hug with a nod, and all the affection that comes with it.

 

 

D-49

  

 

“Don’t you think we should help him?” 

 

Brian shakes his head, his eyes still stuck on the long silhouette siting outside, seemingly having an absurd dispute with some little girl. He’s too entertained by the sight to interfere. And Jae is awful at hiding himself. Did he really think they wouldn’t recognize him in that outfit? 

 

The guy has been really weird lately, obviously planning something that Brian couldn’t guess, no matter how long he thought about it. It was Sungjin that has pointed out the obvious, calling him stupid for not noticing it. Of course Jae was trying to set them together, he’s a cupid after all. 

 

A cupid.

 

It took Brian some time to realize that as well. He went a long time thinking that Jae was an angel. But one of his oldest sketches has a quiver full of arrows and a bow in it. Also, Jae is very obsessed with matching people, and relationships in general. He probably does it out of habit, but whenever he sees a couple, he’s fast to point out the kind of relationship they’re having and at what stage they are. Brian blamed it at him having good observatory skills and attention to details, but no one is that good unless they have a long background. A very long one. 

 

The last hint Brian collected -and it made him almost kill himself for how stupid he can be sometimes- was the most obvious one. When Jae was at the hospital, feigning memory loss, the first person that came to collect him was his alleged aunt, Hyeji, who -oh so surprisingly- owns a café with the word ‘Cupid’ in its name. Brian hates to admit that that’s some clever move.

 

 

 

“Shouldn’t you just tell him how you feel?” Sungjin questions, half amused, half concerned. “At least that will stop him from trying so hard to get us together.” 

 

“How I feel?” He echoes back, eyes fixed on Jae as he nothing but runs away from the scene he just caused. 

 

Brian does not try to deny it, because he’s well aware that his feelings for Jae has been developing dangerously fast. He used to like him -like a lot-, as for recently. But this, the steady, yet fast rhythm his heartbeats follow whenever he as simply as think of Jae. Or the calmness that overtakes his mind, and the genuine smile that easily finds its way on his face, it’s not about like anymore. This is more serious, runs deeper inside of his heart and soul. 

 

‘It is love.’

 

The confirmation of something that big, something he thought he’d never have, something he’d never accept to have, he expected it to be devastating. Instead, it washes over him like a lazy wave, drowning him in peace and acceptance. It does not shake him, he welcomes it with open arms, and heart. A moment of clarity, and serenity.

 

 

“You’re both hopeless,” Sungjin says with a chuckle, probably catching the love-stricken expression on his face. He must be enjoying teasing Brian too much, and for once, Brian doesn’t mind, because he really is, hopeless. 

 

Hopelessly in love.

 

 

D-35

  

Love for Brian came in the form of a half-human, half-cupid -or whatever Jae was at the moment-, who has an excessive love for sweets and chocolate, and is easily excited, but easily scared as well. And Brian has allowed for himself to be swallowed by the hole of greed. 

He thought he’d be okay with just having Jae by his side as a friend, he promised himself that he won’t ask for more. He thought he’d be able to do that, to endure the pain. It seems that he overestimated his self-restrain, or underestimated his love for the other. His love for Jae has made him greedy.

 

The first time he slipped, he ended up yelling a half confession at Jae, and almost putting an end to their friendship. His second was a drunken mistake, that he barely remembers all of it. It still made things worse. Jae shut himself off fro days, and no matter how much he insisted that it had nothing to do with Brian, the latter knew. It was his fault and he needed to fix it. 

 

He tried, and he almost succeeded at that. Everything was almost back to how it was. Almost. He should’ve sensed the eerie calmness. Destiny was never that nice to him, anyways. 

 

Somehow, Jae has found his sketchbook. The sketchbook. And this time, he literally runs away, without looking back. Brian has seen the guilt, the fear, the helplessness in the other’s eyes, but no anger. He only knew how to deal with anger, though, and not the rest. So when Jae disappeared in the rainy night, he didn’t chase him for a second time. They both needed time to think.

 

Brian hates himself for being selfish, for forcing his feelings on Jae. He has long accepted that Jae is not staying, has been surprisingly in peace with that certain detail. However, he kind of forgot that he’s nothing but a human, and Jae is a cupid. That should make a difference. They are different. 

 

Jae has wings and can fly in the sky. Brian lives his life walking on the ground, avoiding all kind of heights. Jae is bright and warm like the sunlight. And Brian is the shadowy corner that’s always been out of the sun’s way. Someone so pure and heavenly should never be tainted by a pathetic excuse of a human being like Brian. 

 

For Brian, Jae is unreachable. 

 

 

Swaying between awareness and sleep, and totally uncaring of the hour, Brian sends a pathetic apology to Jae. ‘I’m sorry.’

 

 

‘-for loving you.’

 

 

D-29

  

“So that’s why I could see him too!” Brian exclaims, almost in disbelief. Well, it’s not that he didn’t have his suspicions, but that doesn’t make hearing the whole story any less surreal. 

 

They’re currently in his apartment, having a heart-to-heart talk while eating dinner. There’s a lot that needed to be clarified, it turned out, and they certainly couldn’t have this talk in a public place.

 

Jae hums, shoving three fries at a time in his mouth. He’s already finished his burger somewhere between explaining his mission, and telling Brian how jealous he was of Sungjin while trying to set them together. 

 

“I think it’s some kind of a glitch or something, if it happened to me and Dowoon.” he says after swallowing, “The moment between breaking a rule and being pulled for a trial, we became visible for humans, I guess,” he shrugs casually. “But I don’t know how you could see me before that. Do you, by any chance, have some superpowers?” 

 

Brian laughs, pushing him by the shoulder playfully. “You’d know if I had any.” 

 

The other grins sheepishly, “True.” 

 

It’s a lot to take in at once, even if Brian has long knew that Jae was a cupid. Never in his life did he expect for them to exist, let alone have a whole system with rules and punishments. It should be fascinating, but all that Brian could feel is worry. What if-

 

“You’re overthinking, again.” Jae comments, putting the fingertip of his index finger on the frown between his brows. The crease smoothes out instantly.

 

“What is it?”

 

Brian knows that such a concern should be voiced out immediately, but his fear for the answer makes him hesitate. He’d let himself be selfish this once if Jae’s wellbeing wasn’t possibly at stake. 

 

“Is it okay for you to be with me?” He asks, gaining a confused look in exchange. “I’m human,” he emphasizes, “our relationship, is it allowed?”

 

Jae’s gaze turns serious as soon as he processes his words. Brian’s breath get caught in his throat. Of course there has to be something. An exchange of destiny. At least he had to experience what it feels like to be with Jae for a few hours. He’ll cherish this day-

 

Jae flicks his forehead. Hard. “You watch too many dramas.” He deadpans, before amusement and laughter takes over his whole expression. 

 

“You’re so mean,” he pouts, rubbing his throbbing forehead. 

 

“Oh did I hurt you?” Jae feigns guilt, although the big grin that refuses to leave his lips, “Let me kiss it better.” He leans closer and drops a brief kiss on his forehead. “Did it help?” he then asks, with big, innocent eyes. 

 

Brian is sure he’s blushing. He should be used to Jae’s ultimate weapon by now, but well, he’s only human. 

 

“You didn’t answer my question,” he points out, feeling that the other is only trying to distract him from the real issue.

 

Jae smiles reassuringly, “Why would there be a rule banning us from dating humans when they’re not supposed to see us in the first place?” That’s kind of convincing for Brian, but still-

 

“And don’t forget that I’m technically a human for now, that means I can do whatever humans do,” he adds, and Brian can’t really argue with that. 

 

He just smiles back, letting relief wash over him. He chooses to belief the joy and love in Jae’s eyes. If he notices a small hint of insincerity, he totally ignores it. 

 

 

Jae would never lie to him. 

 

 

 

D-23

  

The beach was a lucky guess. Something he came up with in the spur of the moment, and thankfully, it worked like magic. Gone are the concerns and dark shadows heaving Jae’s face as he plays around with the water. He’s nothing short of an excited kid, and he even eats like one. 

 

Brian would give anything to know what’s burdening his boyfriend to that extent, and more to take that weight off of his shoulders. Only if Jae allows it. But, Brian would never pressure him into talking. If he’s comfortable enough with sharing, he’d do it. If not, then all Brian can do is be by his side, help as much as possible, and wait for it to get better. 

 

After their meal, Jae steps outside first, letting him deal with the bill. The owner gives him back their jackets, dried, and a small blanket to shelter them from the cold wind. After thanking her multiple times, Brian happily walks to the shore, where he’s spotted his boyfriend sitting. 

 

Even from far away, he could see the hunched lines of Jae’s shoulders. They’re obviously back, his burdens, and they bring the concerns back with them. Brian slows down, hugging the small blanket closer to his chest, hoping it will warm his heart a little. He does not want his brain to get into dangerous vicinities, but he can’t help but wonder, about the real reason behind that distress. He has a lot of guesses, some are his own, and some are just fears, almost made up by the wicked side of his mind. 

 

He gives up thinking after a while, deciding on distracting Jae rather than leaving him to his thoughts for any longer. That’s when it happens. 

 

A shooting star. Brian has a lot to wish for. It would be a struggle to choose just one, really. However, it doesn’t cross his mind to wish for anything, at the moment. He doesn’t believe in this kind of things, and it will only give him false hopes. He’d prefer sticking to his reality.

 

Still, as soon as he sees the instant reaction of Jae, he copies it without question. He doesn’t know what wish had the other so desperately wishing upon a star, but he, too, was desperate for one certain wish of his -one that sits at the bottom of his heart- to be granted. 

 

So he closes his eyes, and let the words repeatedly play in his mind. 

 

‘I wish that no harm will fall upon Jae.’

 

 

 

D-9

  

Brian loves waking up to Jae by his side. It gives him something to anticipate mornings for. Like  having his boyfriend curled to his side, seeking warmth form him, or having him sprawled like a star, taking two thirds of the bed for himself. Or having an arm and a leg thrown over himself, Jae using him as a body pillow. 

 

Right now, Jae is sticking to his side of the bed, laying on his back with his mouth slightly open and hair a mess over the pillow. He’s snoring lightly and Brian is tempted to record him, because he’s always insisting that he doesn’t snore. The only thing stopping him from doing so is being too lazy to leave the bed to get his phone. He didn’t see the thing from last night, anyways. It will be a hustle, searching for it.

 

Jae is not a morning person by any mean, and Brian always wakes up early by force of habit, no matter how much he tries to sleep in. It’s okay, though, because that gives him a chance to watch the other sleeping. He’d call himself creep for enjoying it, but his brain is always fast to provide an excuse for him. 

 

You won’t get to see this again. Enjoy it while you can.

 

It doesn’t help that Jae looks totally ethereal and angelic when he’s asleep like that. Brian highly doubts he’ll ever get sick of this sight. He wishes life would give him a chance to see if he’ll actually get sick of it -he won’t, but he wants that chance so, so desperatly. 

 

Jae shifts and turns in his sleep, letting the comforter slip down his torso. Brian, being the good boyfriend he is, and knowing how relatively cold the room is, pulls the comforter upwards again, covering the other to the neck. 

 

“Are you done watching?” Jae says in his lazy, morning voice, eyes remaining closed.

 

Brian is a little bit startled, but not the least embarrassed. He knows that Jae knows that he stares in the mornings. Instead, he reaches for Jae’s untamed hair, and let his fingers slowly brush through it. Brian is sure that his hair is longer now, but weird enough, his roots didn’t grow black. Jaebum would be really devastated if he knew that Jae is, actually, naturally blond. No wonder it suits him this much. 

 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he tells him, with a teasing tone. Jae groans, finally opening one eye to glare at him. That purpose is lost somewhere when Brian flashes him a happy grin. He closes that eye and scoots his body closer to Brian’s, sheltering himself from the light. 

 

“Good morning to you too,” he mumbles against his chest. 

 

Brian’s hand automatically moves to Jae’s upper arm, running the back of his fingers and knuckles against the soft skin. 

 

“How are you feeling?” He questions, voice lowered and caring.

 

Jae looks up at him with a face-splitting grin, trying his best to open his eyes. “Amazing.” He says, before dropping a kiss over Brian’s chest, just where his heart is supposed to be. “Fantastic.” another kiss. He then looks up again, with a wider, more sheepish grin. “And starving.”  

 

Amidst the bashfulness of being showered with affection this early in the morning - it’s almost noon though-, Brian manages a whole-hearted laugh and a “You’re so adorable!”

 

His boyfriend laughs along with him, accepting the complement easily. 

 

“What do you want to have for breakfast?”

 

“Something sweet!” Jae exclaims instantly, excited, and he should’t have asked. 

 

“How about chocolate crepes?” He suggests. That’s a recipe he learned just a while ago because of Jae. The latter’s eyes lighten, and he’s suddenly awake.

 

“Sounds sweet and chocolaty enough!” He blinks a couple of times, “Can I have chocolate on it too??” He requests, and Brian decides it’s not the time for a lecture about blood sugar levels. He nods. At least Jae has asked politely this time.

 

“Do you want me to help?” he offers, his voice holding a sense of pride. 

 

Brian shakes his head, “You’re banned from the kitchen for at least a week,” he firmly says, holding both Jae’s hands in his. Four fingers are wrapped in bandaids, and there are a few angry red spots around his wrists and forearms that still need attending to. 

 

“As much as I’ve enjoyed last night’s dinner, I can’t let you harm yourself more than this.” He clarifies, and Jae pouts, dejected. 

 

“Go shower first, okay,” he taps his head twice, getting a nod in return. 

 

They smile at each other before he leaves the warmth of the bed. His body shivers at the coldness that greets him, so he runs to the closet to get a hoodie. He hears Jae cursing as he leaves the bed too, running towards the bathroom in nothing but his underwear. 

 

“Why is it so cold!!” He complains, swinging the door shut behind him. “You better not forget my hot chocolate!” he warns, and Brian shakes his head in amusement. 

 

“I won’t!” he shouts back, heading to the kitchen, the smile never leaving his face.  

 

 

And that’s how Brian’s mornings have been ever since Jae technically moved in with him. They’re loud, yet calm, hectic, yet lazy, and especially, cold, yet warm. Because while the weather kept getting colder, Jae’s presence was brighter and warmer than any sunlight. 

 

 

D-Day

 

Brian knows what it feels like to lose someone that you love more than anyone, but he has never experienced what goodbyes feels like. His parents left so suddenly, and his foster mother passed away when he was not by her side. Even when he knew that her time was limited, he still missed saying his his goodbye. He promised himself that would never be the case with Jae. He’ll stick to his side to the very last second. 

 

He even had enough information collected to guess how long they have left. However, as days kept slipping away, and the dreadful day kept approaching, his fear for that farewell only kept rising. He wasn’t sure he could do it anymore. 

 

Jae has said he’d give anything for some extra time with him, but Brian has nothing of the likes. No wings, no powers, certainly no more than one lifetime, and not even money. What’s the rest of his meaningless life worth, anyways? If he combined that with his heart, soul, and whatever he’s worth of as a human, would it get him an extra second with Jae? Would it ease his greed for more? Would it make Jae any less miserable?  

 

So yeah, Brian does not have much to give. That’s why he ended up trying to squeeze years of memories in a very limited time. He wanted to give Jae as much of happy memories and different experiences as possible while they were together. However, it only felt like he was trying to run away from the reality, his anxiety ruining any kind of joy arising from those moments. He wasn’t even sure whether that was what Jae wanted or not. It was not. 

 

 

Jae’s wish was simple. He wanted to spend time with Brian, alone and together. He wanted his last day to be with just the two of them, in the small apartment. 

 

Hours, minutes, and seconds are ticking by. The sun disappears in the faraway horizon, letting way for the dreadful night. And Brian holds Jae like a lifeline. He holds him so hard, as if that would stop them from taking Jae away from him, as if they’d have mercy on him and would let him have the only person he’s ever loved so dearly. 

 

Brian has wished to let Jae go with a smile, but that was beyond him. So he cries. He cries for his lover, and for himself. He cries for being useless, for not being able to fight for his love, and much more. Jae cries too, as he says his goodbyes. But Brian can’t talk with how hard he’s sobbing, doesn’t know what to say, even. All he can manage is a weak ‘I love you’ that he wishes will be enough to convey all of his unspoken words and feelings. 

 

Jae smiles, and it’s oh so beautiful and genuine, it almost brings peace upon his trembling heart. But then, Jae starts glowing, a pair of white wings unfurling behind his back, and everything is suddenly too bright. Brian would’ve thought the sight to be gorgeous, if his heart and mind were not going through a complete state of terror. And even now, all he’s capable of is holding Jae closer to himself. 

 

It’s time. 

 

One last ‘I love you’, and one last kiss are what he gets, before Jae is gone, leaving Brian alone on the bed, hugging himself. 

 

Everything is, once more, dark and empty. 

 

-TBC-

---

 

We finally get to see a few snippets of Brian's POV of a few things. I had the biggest writer's block writing this chapter so I ended up writing ch16 first hehe (in other words, next update is coming very, very soon, you won't have to wait for another week)
Only 2 chapters left!!!! i can't believe it!! Thank you for sticking with me for so long T^T we're almost there!!! 

Have a good day/night, and don't forget to be happy, safe and healthy everyone <3 <3 (and listen to TBOU: Gluon when you're at it ;D )