D-25

 

Jae has been called oblivious a couple of times in the short time he’s been a human. It was proved multiple times, what with him not noticing that Brian loved him, or that Brian knew his true identity. He thought that now nothing and no one can fool him, he’s gained some observation skills after all. But that’s the thing about being oblivious, you don’t realize that you’re being so, until reality and facts slap you right in the face. Jae’s figurative face should be hurting by now, considering the amount of slaps he’s been receiving.

 

The cupid knew, he was told since their first meeting. While Hyeji and Jinyoung were still cupids, with their positions at the Cupids Affairs Office being temporary, Wonpil has clearly said that he’s different, that he’s human. It should’ve crossed his mind at the time that Wonpil had history, that him being a human was a punishment rather than a choice. And yet, he brushed it off all too casually, promising to think about it later without keeping that promise. He’s such an awful friend. 

 

What’s more shocking and confusing, however, is the reason behind that punishment. Wonpil has clearly said he’s ‘been there once’, in Jae’s position. What did he exactly mean by that? His strong opposition to Jae and Brian’s relationship has to mean something. Still, asking himself all these questions is kind of futile. He’ll only get the whole story from Wonpil, who’s disappeared once more after leaving the storage room.

 

Jae returns to Brian’s apartment after hastily bidding the others goodbye, he even forgets to get some clothes while he’s there. His boyfriend notices his gloomy state right away and doesn’t think twice before hugging him tightly. Not being the prying type, Brian doesn’t ask too many questions, somehow satisfied with the ambiguous answer he got from Jae. 

 

‘Wonpil was wrong,’ the cupid keeps telling himself, letting his boyfriend smolder him with affection, ‘Brian is different.’

 

He doesn’t know who he needs to convince more, himself or Wonpil, and that only adds to his frustration and distress. Luckily for him, Wonpil doesn’t let him suffer for too long.

 

‘We need to talk’, he texts him, when he’s already in bed. He’s been trying to sleep for a while, in vain. Not even Brian’s comforting caresses could help him relax. He nothing but jumps out of bed, startling his boyfriend in the process. Brian insists on driving him to Hyeji’s, and even offers waiting for him, but Jae doesn’t know how long this is going to take, so he wishes him goodnight with a sweet kiss and a promise of seeing him tomorrow.  

 

It’s a little past midnight, so he tiptoes inside, afraid of waking anyone up. The house swimming in silence and darkness, the only source of light being the sconce by the kitchen’s wall.

 

“Wonpil?” Jae calls, squinting his eyes. Said guy is sitting on the kitchen counter, legs crossed, a beer in his hand, and another by his side.

 

“You sure are fast,” he taps the spot next to him on the counter, “Do you want a drink?” 

 

“Sure,” a drink won’t hurt in Jae’s current state of mind. He walks in his direction and leans against the counter, not trusting it to hold both their weights. He takes the already open beer, and swigs form it, trying hard not to gag at the burning in his throat. Alcohol is just not made for him. Wonpil seems to notice this and snorts. 

 

“You really are like her,” he says, out of nowhere, reminding Jae why he’s here. The endless questions resurfaces once more.

 

“Who?” He asks, straightforward. Beating around the bush won’t get them anywhere, anyways. 

 

Wonpil releases a heavy sigh, eyes downcast, “Cupid W429,” as if that saying the same alone took a toll on him, Wonpil gulps down the rest of his beer in one go. He puts the empty can back on the counter, and inhales deeply. Talking about this must be really hard on him.

 

“She was the next in line, right after me, and she followed me like my shadow. We were kind of inseparable,” that peeks at Jae’s attention. It’s really uncommon for Cupids to grow any kind of attachment to other cupids. Everyone is busy doing their job, so they cross paths once in a while, and that’s if they work in the same area all the time. Cupid J100 is the only cupid Jae has ever gotten close to. 

 

“She was very lively and mischievous, only knew how to smile,” he beams sadly, reminiscing faraway memories. From his repetitive use of the past tension, Jae can only imagine what happened to her. 

 

“That was until she met that human,” all the fondness disappears at once, replaced by hatred and anger, “At first, I didn’t think much of her excessive interest in him. She did say that the human could see her, but I always brushed it off as a one of her many jokes.”

 

Jae frowns at that. This is really stating to sound like his and Brian’s story, especially that Brian was able to see him a few times. 

 

“I thought it was something she did for fun, but when it stole her smile away, I knew it became a serious matter. That human,” Wonpil nothing but spits out, as if that word is the most disgusting thing in the world, “he made her believe that he loved her. He made her yearn for more, tainted her with his greed, and a choice was made.” 

 

A choice. He wonders if it’s similar the one he has made himself. 

 

“I don’t know why I didn’t warn her back then. I just wanted her to be happy, so I told her to follow her heart,” he scoffs, “What bull!” 

 

The cupid has never seen Wonpil this angry, and clearly, most of it is directed to himself rather than the human. Jae puts his hand over his knee, an attempt to ground him and comfort him.

 

“What happened?” he carefully asks.

 

Wonpil’s eyes soften back a little bit, regaining the melancholic glint. He sighs before he resumes talking, “She touched him, and got suspended. She wanted to get suspended, so that she can become a human and be by his side, be with him. They were happy,” his words break in the middle, and his eyes are getting teary, “she was happy, so I was satisfied with watching her live her happiest days. I didn’t know that they’d be her last.” 

 

The revelation breaks Jae’s heart. He’s expected some kind of punishment, but not- not that. He shouldn’t have forgotten that cupids-turned-humans are not immune to death. “Did she-”

 

The other lowers his head, his words getting more strangled, “There was a gas leak, they said. She went to sleep and never woke again.” A single tear drops on the counter,  “If it was a fire, or an accident, anything else, I could’ve saved her from it. But that, that was something I couldn’t sense, I couldn’t smell or feel. And he, who claimed to love her, who could’ve saved her, he wasn’t there for her!”

 

Unstoppable tears are streaming down Wonpil’s face, his sobs echoing in the silent house. Jae moves closer and side hugs him, his hand running up and down his back.

 

“It’s not your fault,” he keeps telling him. Death is no one’s fault. When a person’s time comes, there’s no stopping it. 

 

“When she chose mortality for him, I was well aware that she won’t live for too long. I just didn’t expect her to go so quickly,” Wonpil says between his sobs. He rubs his eyes with the back of his sleeves, then he takes a few deep breathes to calm down. Jae patiently waits for him until he’s ready to finish telling him the rest of the story. 

 

“I never understood the use of graves and memorials until then. Whenever I miss her too much, I go there and pretend that she can hear me,” he admits, sounding steadier, but sadder, “That human, he did the same for the first year or so. He was sad for some time, but it was easy for him to move on. I couldn’t even blame him for falling in love again, since it’s a cupid’s work. But I hated him for forgetting. His visits became really scarce, and stopped after a few years. On the day of her tenth memorial, he was getting married.”

 

Jae inhales sharply, his heart sinking. He’s knew all along how humans can quickly move on, but this serves as an awful reminder. What if it happens to him? He refuses to entertain that thought and push it away instantly.

 

“Seeing him that happy and that in love, on a day that should be sacred and sad, made me snap. It was a beautiful wedding, and I ruined it. I wanted to hurt him so badly.” There’s no regret in Wonpil’s voice,  except the regret of not getting a proper revenge, “I sometimes wish I could’ve killed him.”

 

“Is that why you’re here?”

 

Wonpil nods, “I didn’t think they’d be so merciful with me. But maybe having a clean record does help, or maybe they just pitied me.” 

 

After listening to all of the other’s story, Jae understand where Wonpil’s hatred is coming from. However, and for several reasons, he can’t bring himself to agree with him. All he can do is apologize. 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Probably sensing his lack of conviction, Wonpil sighs in defeat. “I’ve seen how hard it was for her to make that choice. I know what kind of inner war she had to go through, but was it really worth it? Was it worth her life?” He stares right into Jae’s eyes, “Is he worth your sacrifices?”   

 

That’s not a novel question for Jae. He’s been asking himself that hundreds of times before and after making a choice, and each time,  with no fail, he reaches the same answer.

 

“Every single one.” 

 

Wonpil stares at him for a second, as if searching for a hint of hesitation, but he finds none. That makes him groan in frustration, “How can you be exactly the same, you and her?” 

 

Jae shrugs, smiling sadly. He doesn’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. At least, -he wishes- he has a better sense of judgement than her when it comes to love and humans. Wonpil keeps silently staring at him. Then, he jumps on him, hugging him tightly. He’s crying again, “I don’t want to lose you too,” he mumbles against his shoulder, “I don’t want to lose another dear friend.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jae repeats, hugging the other back. He, too, doesn’t want to lose his friends. 

 

They stay like that until Wonpil’s tears dry out, and Jae is more composed. 

 

“Are you staying here tonight?” He asks, rubbing his eyes like some little kid. 

 

Jae helps him down from the counter. “Yeah. But I’ll probably have to sleep on the couch.”

 

The other gives him a puzzled look, “Why? What’s wrong with your room?”

 

“Dowoon is probably sleeping in there, I wouldn’t want to disturb him.” 

 

“Oh,” a deep blush tints Wonpil’s cheeks, “He’s not there.” 

 

It takes Jae a moment to understand the implication of that statement, “He’s still staying with you?” He questions, before grinning slyly, “Oh I see why.” 

 

Wonpil slaps his arm, trying to hide his face away, “Stop getting weird thoughts and go to sleep!” He starts walking into the direction of his room, “Goodnight, .”

 

“Sweet dreams, jerk!” He retaliates, before adding, in a very suggestive way, “Or maybe you won’t need them.”

 

Wonpil raises his arm up and flips him without turning around, probably too embarrassed to show his face. Jae laughs. He’s genuinely glad that they managed to sort everything between them. Despite their disagreement about the whole issue, at least they managed to understand each other and respect each other’s point of view. He is satisfied with just that. 

 

The cupid enters his momentary room with a smile, that dies as soon as he takes in the empty room. A part of him wants to call Brian and talk with him until he falls asleep, but the other reasonable part tells him not to bother the probably sleeping human. He heavily drops on the bed. Maybe he’ll use his time alone to sort out a few issues with his inner self.

 

Morning comes before he knows it, but one annoying question haunting him remains unanswered.

 

‘Do I want Brian to remember me?’

 

 

 

D-23

 

 

“Hyung? Jae? Babe?” 

 

Jae feels a finger poking his cheek, it startles him as he’s been totally out of it. He whips his head to the left, facing Brian’s concerned frown. The latter is supposed to be focused on the road, not his face, he thinks, but then he registers that they’ve stopped at a red light. 

 

“You’ve been distracted,” Brian notes, “again.” 

 

There’s no reprimand in his voice, only worry, adding to Jae’s guilty. They both expected the cupid to be more composed after his night at Hyeji’s. His mood did get better, still, the repetitive zoning out was unforeseen, and of course, Brian has taken notice. He has questioned if anything was wrong, but when Jae kept brushing it off, coming with an excuse after another, he stopped asking, only tried to comfort him in whatever way he could. Today, he has promised to take him on a movie date, which Jae has just ruined before it even started. 

 

“I’m so sorry, it’s just-” he stops himself before uttering any other nonsense excuse. He still doesn’t know how to voice out his concern, so he lowers his eyes and finishes with a defeated, “too much.” 

 

For a moment, Brian looks taken aback by the sudden admission, before understanding washes over his face. The traffic light turns green, and the cars behind them start honking impatiently. Brian turns his gaze ahead, seemingly setting his mind on doing something. The car starts moving again, but instead of driving straight, he makes a U-turn. 

 

“That’s not the right way for the mall,” Jae points out, confused. 

 

Brian glances at him, gaze intense, “I know.” 

 

That answer seems more than enough for Jae, for now. He doesn’t question their destination again, no matter how much he’s curious about it. Even when the car leaves the city streets and goes on the highway, he’s satisfied with just watching the scenery they’re passing by. It’s nothing like the city, and it’s the nice kind of change. Probably what Jae needs at the moment. 

 

The flashes of green, coupled with the soft melody playing on the radio, lull Jae into a deep sleep, something he’s been deprived off for the last two nights. The anxiety has taken a toll on him without him noticing, it seems. 

 

“Hyung,” he hears Brian calling his voice, his hand shaking his shoulder gently, “We’re here, wake up.”

 

Jae grunts, hating that his for-once-peaceful sleep has been perturbed. However, one can’t get really angry when they’re being awakened by Brian’s voice. Also, Jae is still curious about their destination. He slowly pries his eyes open, the blinding sunlights making it hard for him to see anything. After a moment of adjustment, and once he registers their surroundings, Jae’s eyes widen in astonishment. His gaze switches from the expansion of golden and blue in front of him to the guy by his side. 

 

“I thought this might help you clear your mind a little?” Brian seems a little bit uncertain about his choice, now that they’re actually here.

 

When Jae stays speechless for too long, eyes blinking unnaturally fast from a side to another, he ushers him out of the car. “Come on, what are you waiting for? Let’s go out!” 

 

Not needing to be told twice, Jae swings the car’s door open with too much force that it makes a protesting noise. He then runs out, kicking his shoes off in the process. 

 

“The hell!! Why does it feel exactly like how it looks?” He exclaims, letting the sand get between his toes. He’s always questioned what it would feel like to touch sand, because while it looked soft and smooth as a whole, the grains seemed scratchy and hard. As he runs over it, the sand smoothly shifts and moves under his feet, but it’s not soft to the touch like silk and cotton. 

 

Brian, on his tail, releases a melodious laugh. He takes off his shoes as well, and makes a surprised face when his feet sink into the sand, “I hate to say this, but that description kind of makes sense!” 

 

Jae rolls his eyes, then drags him by his hand in excitement. The best part is yet to come, he thinks. Now, Jae knows what water feels like, but something about the sea waves is intriguing. They reach the shore line, where the sand is wet from the water, and as expected, wet sand in even softer and scratchier.  The first wave hits his bare feet and he nothing but squeals. 

 

“It’s so cold! Why is it so cold?” He exclaims, not trying to tone down his amazement.

 

Brian chuckles, amused, “Someone forgot to turn on the heater it seems.”

 

The cupid shoves him by the shoulder, then goes back to chasing the waves like an overly excited kid. Even though the weather has been on the colder side these days, the coldness of the water does not bother him. He rolls his jeans up to the knees, and goes a little bit further into the water. 

 

“Jae!” Brian suddenly calls his name, so he turns around on reflex. Wrong move. A splash of water hits him right in the face. His eyes close on time, but that doesn’t prevent the water from going into his nose. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his jacket, the water going down his throat making him cough.

 

He’s about to splash the other back when he realizes something, “Wait a second,” he his lips, trying to take the taste in. His eyes light up, “They weren’t lying, it is salty!!” 

 

This time, probably not bearing with how cute he’s being, Brian pinches both his cheeks, “And you’re such an adorable kid,” he coos at him. Jae squints his eyes at him threateningly, then swats his hands away, “You’re so going to regret that.” 

 

The human looks puzzled for a second, at the evil grin that takes over Jae’s face, but when his boyfriend attacks him with water, he remembers that Jae is not only a kid, he knows how to hold grudges as well. Their water fight goes on for a while, joyful laughter mingling with salty water. It ends with Brian surrendering so pitifully, and their clothes soaked. It’s late in the afternoon, and the breeze is getting colder, so they need to change not to get sick. 

 

There’s a local shop nearby where they buy matching outfits; black sweats with a black hoodie for Brian, and a white one for Jae. They then decide to eat at a small seafood place, both having missed lunch and starving. The owner, a very kind lady, offers to dry their jackets for them, and gives them more food than they’re able to eat, regardless of Brian’s appetite.  

 

It’s already dark when Jae walks back to the shore. Brian went to pay for their meal, but he’s taking too long -probably chatting with the nice lady. The sea is beautiful both during the day and at night. He chooses a spot close to the water, but far enough that the sand is dry, and sits down. It’s amazing how much of the sky is visible from such a spot, and not to mention how all the stars are reflecting on the water. With the absence of the moon, it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other. Jae has the impression that he’s sitting at the edge of the galaxy, faced with an endless sky. 

 

The constant twinkling of the stars is overshadowed by a passing light. It happens too quickly that Jae barely registers it’s happening. A shooting star. He knows about those, but he’s never believed in the Human’s superstitions. What changed today? Why did he close his eyes as soon as he’s seen it passing, clasping his hands together and repeating his wish inside of his head and heart like a mantra? 

 

Hopefully, Jae relaxes his praying posture and opens his eyes before Brian comes back. He’s back to admiring the stars when a weight drapes over his shoulders. His body shivers, processing the sudden shift from cold to heat. Brian is smiling down at him, and he mirrors it automatically. His boyfriend sits down closely to him, unfolding a small blanket that he wraps around their shoulders for extra warmth. 

 

“She was concerned we’d get sick,” he says, making sure that the blanket covers as much of Jae as possible. 

 

“That’s really nice of her,” he takes note to personally thank her before leaving. 

 

After making sure than every inch of Jae is under the blanket, Brian leans against his side, and let the silence surround them. It’s the comfortable kind of silence, the sound of the waves filling the slightest of tension that could arise between them. 

 

“Brian,” Jae calls, a while later. The human hums in acknowledgment, slightly turning his head to the side to look at him.

 

“Why did you bring me here?” He asks, albeit knowing the answer. Still, he wants to personally hear it from Brian. 

 

The latter smiles softly, “They say the sea has a healing effect. I thought maybe it would help you clear your mind.” 

 

Jae’s heart melts at his boyfriend’s reasoning. How is it physically possible for someone to be that understanding and considerate? 

 

“Aren’t you going to ask what’s on my mind, then?” 

 

Brian shakes his head, “You’d tell me when you’re ready.” His words are certain, like he trust Jae to share with him when he’s comfortable enough to do so. 

 

‘What did I do to deserve you?’ Are Jae’s inner thoughts as he searches for his hand under the blanket and intertwines their fingers together. 

 

“Thank you,” he tells him, dropping his head on the other’s shoulder, exhausted from running away from his thoughts, and this conversation. Maybe it’s time to let go.

 

“Brian,” he calls again, voice smaller this time, less certain. The other squeezes his hand, showing him that he got his attention. 

 

“Do you -” regret falling in love with me? 

 

He stops himself, before saying something wrong, or insensitive. “Ten years from now, where do you see yourself?” 

 

If Brian notices that he changes the question, he doesn’t comment on it. However, his body tenses, and his hand is almost trembling in Jae’s. 

 

“Isn’t that too far to think about?” He questions with a dry laugh. Even his attempt at brushing it off as a joke fails. His forced smile falls when he sees the seriousness on Jae’s face. He releases a heavy sigh.

 

“Would you believe me if I said that I don’t know?” and he really sound and look uncertain, scared even. Apparently, Jae is not the only one. 

 

He nods, smiling weakly. The human averts his gaze back at the sea, a distant look on his face. 

 

“When I think about the future, my future, I don’t see much,” he says, after a very long, contemplative silence. “Even if it’s five, ten, or twenty years from now, I can only see myself working my office job, having the same daily routine and habits. I don’t see my circle of friends expanding- I’m thankful for having this much of friends anyways- but,” he pauses to meet Jae’s eyes, “I definitely don’t see anyone by my side.” 

 

It suddenly feels like someone put a stone brick over Jae’s chest. It’s heavy, hard to breath, and his heart aches. All of his fears, brought to life by Wonpil’s story, are being approved, officially sealed and stamped. And he doesn’t know how to react. He’s sworn not to cry -at least not in front of Brian again-, but he can already feel the pricking in his eyes. His throat is clogged, a dry sob threatening to spill out of his mouth if he tries to speak. All he can do is look away from Brian’s painfully genuine eyes, and pray that he doesn’t notice how badly Jae is shaking right now. 

 

As if set on breaking all of the cupid’s resolve, Brian continues, “I can’t- I can’t imagine myself loving anyone after you, Jae. I can’t imagine letting anyone in my life. The only different, truthfully happy future I can imagine having, you are in it.” 

 

“You can’t be so sure,” is all that Jae manages to say, and hopefully, his voice doesn’t break. 

 

His boyfriend doesn’t get in a defensive mode right away. Instead, he thinks it over for a moment, before answering, “You are right. I don’t know how I will change in the future, maybe I’ll let someone in at some point, but they will never be able to fill the place in here,” he puts his free hand over his heart, “it’s purely yours, will always be.”

 

And Jae doesn’t know whether to cry or smile after hearing those words. He decides on neither, as he presses himself closer to the human, resting his head back on his shoulder. He’s heard how sure Brian has just sounded, how confident he is about his heart, and he chose to believe those soft, yet intense eyes. 

 

Call him selfish all you want -he wants to be selfish just this time- but Jae doesn’t want to be forgotten. He wants Brian to always remember him after he’s gone. He wants to always hold a special spot in Brian’s heart. He wants his- their memories to always bring a smile to the human. 

 

Still, deep down, he really wishes for Brian to move on. He wishes for him to open his heart for someone else, that may fill the crack the cupid will certainly leave behind. He wants him to get his rightful share of love and happiness. And as much as he wants to be the one to grant him that much, he won’t be able to do so. That’s why he wants someone to do it in his stead. 

 

In other words, Jae wants to be remembered, not mourned. 

 

 

Staring at the endless sky and sea with his beloved one by his side, heart suffocatingly full and heavy, Jae finally finds what has changed, what made him wish upon a shooting star. This Jae, as for here and today, is desperate. This Jae is in love, and this Jae, hopes he’s not wishing for a miracle.

 

‘I wish for Brian to always be happy.’

 

-TBC-

---

 

(This chapter was not proofread) 

This update is long overdue and I'm so sorry for keeping you wait!!! Ch13 and Ch14 are kind of interrelated that i didn't know how to do the partitions, so i had to finish them both first. Good news is that the next update will be in only 2-3 days YAAAYYYY!!!!! 

This was a filler chapter but do tell me what you think about it =D 
Let's be happy and healthy guys and see you soon *throws kisses and confetti*

Additional notes:
- Following the set of events I still need to write, the total number of chapters is going to be 17 ( 18 if my fingers keep slipping lol)
- The ending has been decided long before I started updating the story, and as much as I'm tempted to change it, I'm going to stick the original ending =p