D-35

 

Cupids cannot sleep, that’s common knowledge. But when Cupid J159 took his human form, he experienced first hand the wonder of sleep, how his body would get tired easily, and how his eyes would close as soon as his head hit the pillow. It was weird to lose conscious for several hours, just to wake up more energized. After a few weeks of being a human, however, he got used to it and grew to appreciate it more. 

 

Still, dreams were a luxury to him. And what he definitely didn’t expect, was for his first dream ever, to be a bad one. 

 

Jae wakes up with a start, drenched in sweat, a silent cry hanging on his lips. Albeit the shivers racking his body, he’s feeling feverish. His eyes are puffy and refuse to open, while his head is heavy. Regardless of his state, Jae is well aware that this bed is not his, and that it got another occupant other than him. 

 

A wave of severe pain pierces through his head, and he can’t help but release a loud whimper, causing the body by his side to stir awake.

 

“Hyung? Are you okay?” A cold hand settles on his forehead, sending another shiver down his body. 

 

“You have a fever. It must’ve been the rain.” 

 

The hand is gone along with the warm body, and Jae is kept trembling under the cover. 

 

“I’ll get you something to eat and see what we got for fever, I’ll be right back,” the voice promises softly.  

 

Jae opens his eyes just in time to see the body leaving the room. He heaves a sigh and turns his gaze to the ceiling. Wonpil’s room is less plain than the guest room he’s staying in right now, the walls painted a soft sky blue, with some white pattern on one wall resembling the clouds. 

 

‘He must be missing flying,’ he thinks, gloomy.

 

He, then, remembers what woke him up. If not for the sight of the foreign ceiling and the burn in his eyes, his mind would still be thinking that it was just a bad dream. The pain inside of his chest asserts him that it was a memory.  It also reminds him of the reason why he’s not in his bed and room, and why he’s sought the warmth and comfort of someone other than the person his heart yearns for. 

 

The sight turns blurry. Jae blinks, letting the tears slide down the sides of his face. The blurriness does not go away, only getting worse, the more he thinks about the previous night. 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“Hyung did you sleep? I’ve been calling you-”

 

The sketchbook slips out of his hands as he looks up in panic, finding Brian frozen on the door of the living room. He doesn’t know what to do better than to  fly out of the apartment. He wishes he could actually fly right now. 

 

There’s a long pause, as they both stare at each other. Brian must be noticing how shocked and betrayed Jae is feeling right now. A lot of other things must be showing on his face as well, feelings he can’t process at once. Maybe that’s why it takes Brian a long time to utter a single word, but Jae can’t wait any longer and his body is already seeking the front door. 

 

“Hyung wait, let me explain, I-” Brian finally snaps out of his shock, still, Jae doesn’t stop to hear his explanation as he slams the door shut and runs away at full speed. 

 

It’s still raining heavily outside, and Jae runs and runs. He doesn’t know where he wants to go. All the air on Earth doesn’t seem enough to fill his lungs and clear his head, and despite his relatively slow pace, he still finds the ground not wide enough to contain him and his heart. It’s at this moment that he wishes he could spread his wings and fly the most, but they’re merely dark ink lines on his back. They’re useless. Just like him.

 

His legs fail him pretty soon, and he’s drenched to the bone, so he takes shelter in a bus station. It’s dark and late, and because of the weather, there is barely a soul around. Jae drops on the bench, body heavy by his soaked clothes and his distressed heart. 

 

In such situation, millions, if not more, of questions should be swimming around his head. However, his mind is currently unable of following a reasonable trail of thoughts. It only starts processing the fact that Brian knows that he’s a cupid, then it short-circuits. Not even a single questions arises within his brain. It’s probably for the better.

 

 

The insufferable silence of Jae’s numb mind is interrupted by the loud sound of splashing and deep breathing.

 

“I- foun-d y-ou.”

 

The familiar deep voice brings him to his senses. He abruptly stands up, and Brian is there, doubled-over himself, trying to catch his breath. He’s no less drenched than Jae, his dripping hair stuck to his forehead and his clothes are disheveled. It’s only been a few minutes since he’s last seen him, yet, he looks like he’s been through hell. 

 

Even so, Brian is totally mindless of his messy state, all of his focus on Jae. There’s worry and guilt in his gaze, and he looks like he wants to say a lot, but something is holding him back. 

 

Jae wants to take mercy on him and stay. He doesn’t think either of them will survive another chase, anyways. However, he’s not ready for this confrontation, and his body is acting on its own once again, turning around to leave. A hand circling around his wrist is what stops him. Brian still doesn’t say anything, but when Jae turns and meets his pleading eyes, he doesn’t find it in himself to leave. 

 

Jae stands still, only after freeing his hand from Brian’s grasp and taking a step back. A distance. He should keep a distance. 

 

Brian takes a ragged breath before speaking up, “About the sketches-”

 

“Where did you get the idea to draw them from?” Jae cuts in, straight to the point. This is not the time for long stories, or excuses. And his mind has finally conjured a question. 

 

“My memory,” comes Brian’s answer. Loud and clear. No hesitation, no lies. Wouldn’t it be better, had he lied? 

 

“At first I thought they were all dreams, but now I’m sure it was a reality,” he pauses, his gaze and voice softening. And then, in a relieved voice, he says, “You are real.”

 

Jae takes another step back. He can’t decide what’s making his body shiver more, the coldness caused by the rain hitting his back, or the truth. 

 

“So, you know what I am?” He manages to ask, in an almost composed manner. Almost. 

 

A nod.

 

The cupid inhales sharply, begging for his last bit of calmness not to desert him, “Since when?” 

 

He’s starting to sound more frantic, but Brian doesn’t seem to mind. He contemplates for a second before saying, “I had my doubts after you saved me, then I figured it out, little by little.”

 

That means since the very beginning. He’s knew all this time, and Jae was obviously and stupidly trying to hide his true identity. The barely tamed rage inside of him make him tremble, wanting to break free. His hands curl into fists by his sides, knuckles turning white.

 

“Then you know why I am here?” Jae demands, voice shaking with anger -or maybe something way deeper.

 

“No. But I’m almost sure that you’re like this because of me,” Brian answers, still maintaining his resolved, and collected demeanor, as if it’s everyday that he encounters a cupid.

 

Jae seriously wants to let go of his fury and to lash out on the human. He wants to yell and curse at him, hit him, if needed. Brian seems to be ready for that kind of reaction, anyways, to accept it all with an unbudging body and an apology. 

 

However, Jae’s rigid, shaking body takes a defeated stance, his shoulders dropping and fists loosening up. 

 

“And you know that I’m leaving.”

 

Even if the sudden change in Jae’s behavior is unexpected, Brian gives him a nod. 

 

“I do.” 

 

“You know that I can’t stay,” Jae states, voice weakened by the cruelty of his newest realizations. The realization that Brian has long accepted his fate, that Brian still wants to love Jae regardless of everything. 

 

That Jae has stolen all of Brian’s happiness.

 

“If you know then why did you-” Jae wants to scold him but cuts himself before he breaks down in tears. This is not the time for a breakdown. This is not about him. 

 

He inhales deeply to calm his heart, before he tells him, “You shouldn’t have developed any feelings for me.”

 

Brian shakes his head with a bittersweet smile. How can he still smile in such situation is still beyond Jae.

 

“Loving you is not easy, but it’s worth it. You are worth it.”

 

The sudden direct confession shocks Jae. Not that Brian’s feelings are news to him. Even so, hearing it coming directly from Brian’s lips makes his body shiver and his knees weaken. For the lack of something to hold onto, Jae hugs his jacket closely to his body, willing for it to cover him whole and make him disappear into thin air. This situation is inevitable, it turns out, and Jae needs to keep his ground for the time being. 

 

“For once, I’m following what my heart wants, and it wants you,” Brian says, smiling and hopeful. And yet, his voice is vulnerable and soft. Desperate. 

 

It’s almost enough to break down the last bits of Jae’s resistance. He averts his gaze, avoiding Brian’s eyes. He’s already feeling at the edge, any soft breeze would push him off.

 

“What about your heart Jae, what does it want?” 

 

That question was not a soft breeze. It was a blazing storm, and Jae is falling down. Even then, he doesn’t want to drag Brian with him. The human still has a chance, hopefully. 

 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he breathes out weakly, voice trembling, just like his heart. 

 

Brian frowns,“You won’t. Never.”  

 

“I can’t give you what you want, or what you deserve,” he tells him, because Brian deserves the world. He deserves someone that will love him as much as he loves them. Someone who’s human. Someone that’s not Jae. 

 

Brian takes a steadfast step forward, but stops when Jae simultaneously takes one backwards. His strong gaze does not waver as he speaks his words clearer than the day,“You’re all I want.”

 

Jae can see that he means every word. And it only hurts more, because no matter what, he can’t accept the human’s feelings. 

 

“I can’t, Brian,” Jae shakes his head, his tears already falling. No, he’s not crying for himself. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he takes a few steps back, now fully under the rain,“I can’t.”

 

 

This time, when Jae runs away, Brian doesn’t call after him, or follow him. Still, Jae runs further, his tears mingling with the rain. His legs and lungs beg him to stop, but he doesn’t until he reaches the door of his house. 

 

Thankfully, he finds Wonpil there to deal with his broken pieces. He helps him change into dry clothes, then offers him his bed and arms for comfort. Without asking any questions, he wipes his tears and hugs him to sleep.  

 

 

-

 

 

When Wonpil comes back with Jae’s breakfast and fever pills, he finds Jae curled on himself under the cover, sobs racking his body in waves. He rushes to his side in panic, raps his arms around is body, and starts whispering comforting words to him, just like he did last night.

 

“Shhh, it’s okay,” he caresses his hair, “You will be okay.”

 

It only worsens Jae’s state. He knows that he will be okay, but what about Brian? What will happen to him? He’ll never be the same, ever again. 

 

“I don’t want to stay,” Jae says, between broken sobs. 

 

“I know, I know,” Wonpil’s fingers keep brushing his hair. 

 

Jae has convinced himself since day one that staying was out of question. He couldn’t imagine himself living the rest of his life as anything else but a cupid. That was the life he promised himself, and yet…

 

“But I don’t want to leave him.”

 

Funny how his ticket out is what’s making him want to stay the most. He did find Brian’s true love, after all. A successful mission meant going back to his previous life. 

 

If only that was what he really wants. 

 

 

He doesn’t know if Wonpil catches his words, for how weak and disconnected they’ve came out. The hand in his hair stops momentarily, and that’s probably a sign that he did. There’s a long moment of stillness, before Wonpil speaks.

 

“You know that that’s not an option, right?”  

 

Pitifully, Jae looks up at him and nods, his sobs subsiding and his breathing calming down. He doesn’t think he’s got enough energy to cry anymore. 

 

“You’ve successfully achieved your mission, and you will automatically go back once the 90 days are finished,” he reminds him, voice firm, almost ordering. As if he’s not giving Jae a choice. Not that the cupid has the right for one. He was forgiven once, and has slipped with a light punishment and a mission. No second chances will be given if he breaks that rule. 

 

Wonpil doesn’t wait for his response. He silently feeds him the porridge, then gives him his meds. Jae is already feeling asleep again, so he insists on sending him down to work. 

 

“I don’t need you to babysit me,” he pushes him off the bed weakly, “Plus, it’s going to be busy today and they’ll need you.”

 

Reluctant, Wonpil leaves, after a lot of insisting. Jae does go back to sleep, but it’s barely for a few hours. His fever has went down, yet his distress is still killing him, refusing to let him rest peacefully. He wonders if Brian is feeling the same torture as him. That adds another load of suffocating pain to his chest, and he can’t stay in bed any longer.

 

Wrapping the cover around his body, he pads to the living room, dizzy. Usually, no one stays in the house during the afternoon. However, he’s reminded that they have a new tenant when he finds Dowoon in the kitchen, hunched over the stove.

 

“What are you doing?” Jae questions, sending the guy jumping out of his skin. 

 

It takes him a moment to recover, his face getting red from the shock and embarrassment. Jae takes that as his opportunity to check the thing boiling in the pot. 

 

“You’re making soup?” he’s impressed. He’s been a human for way longer than this guy, but he’s yet to boil an egg by himself. Maybe Dowoon learned faster cause he’s certain that he’s staying, unlike Jae. Deep down, he can’t help but envy him, for a lot of things.

 

Dowoon, still avoiding his eyes, stammers over his words, “Wonpil hyung told me you’re sick, so I thought of cooking something for you.”

 

Jae notices the mess around the kitchen and the open cooking-tutorial video on the phone in Dowoon’s hand, and he can’t help but feel guilty. He’s left speechless at the unexpected care he’s receiving from someone he didn’t even bother having a decent conversation with. 

 

“Thank you, Dowoon,” he says, sincere yet shameful. 

 

The other’s eyes widen -something he’s been doing a lot around Jae- and lowers his head in a small bow. He then remembers the pot over the fire, so he rushes back to check on it. The sight does bring a weak smile to Jae’s lips. 

 

“So, how’s being human treating you?” He asks, almost teasingly. 

 

Dowoon sighs in exasperation, and Jae chuckles. It’s nice to see that he wasn’t the only one to suffer. 

 

“I never realized how weird humans are until now,” he admits, still focused on the pot. 

 

Jae groans, “Tell me about it!” 

 

He then goes on with all of his complaints about the human’s lifestyle. To his biggest relief, Dowoon turned out to share all of his points of views, with the exception of his tolerance to spicy food. It’s fun to have someone to talk to, nevertheless. It helps distract him, and his heart, a little. 

 

 

 

Dowoon looks at him expectantly after he’s taken a spoonful of the soup. To be honest, Jae’s tasting buds are weakened by his sickness, but he still appreciate the taste. It’s not bad. Not bad at all, in fact. He smiles reassuringly at the other, which makes him visibly relax. They eat in silence for some time, until Jae can’t take the pressure of guilt anymore. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he lets out, surprising the other, “for throwing the blame on you. It was never your fault.” 

 

Dowoon shakes his head, “Not yours either.”

 

‘You don’t know that,’ Jae wants to say. No matter how much he thinks it over, he always comes to the conclusion that nothing of this would’ve happened if not for his poor decisions. He ruined the relationship between Brian and Sungjin, and kept Brian loveless for all those years in the pretext of finding him someone perfect. 

 

A selfish decision after another, lead him to where he stands today. He deserves the punishment and being turned into a human, but he doesn’t deserve Brian’s love, doesn’t deserve to feel love bloom inside of him when all he’s giving the human is pain. 

 

“Why did you do it?” He asks, despite himself. As much as he dreads the answer, he wants to hear the cupid’s reason.

 

“Was it a random arrow?” 

 

Dowoon shakes his head firmly, “You know that we can’t do that. Not with that kind of arrows,” he refuses to speak the words, as if he’d be punished if he’s said them.  

 

“Then why?” Fear arises inside of him. Fear of his doubts being confirmed. 

 

“I could not not do it,” Dowoon admits. When Jae gives him a confused frown, he sets his spoon down on the table, and looks at him right in the eyes, “I was there the whole time, hyung. I saw everything. More than you can see with your bare eyes.” He emphasizes, and Jae’s heart squeezes in his chest. He didn’t need to see the auras to get what Dowoon meant. 

 

Then, Dowoon starts telling him everything in details, “When I first saw Brian, he was sitting alone,” he pauses, trying to find the best way to describe the situation, “He was not just sad. His aura was so dim, almost transparent.” 

 

 

Transparent means an unrepairable broken heart. It means, no going back. That person will never fall in love again. 

 

 

Jae’s whole body fills with dread -the paralyzing kind. His spoon slips out of his fingers, and falls on the ground with a clank -he’s lost all of his appetite, anyways.. His mouth is slightly open, words failing to surpass the load clogging his throat. At least his eyes are communication some kind of a signal to Dowoon, asking him to keep talking, because he needs to know more. 

 

“What got me curious was your arrival,” Dowoon resumes talking, before Jae loses his sanity, “As soon as he saw you, not only did his aura turn vivid, but it kept expanding and reaching for yours. He was drunk and joyful at the time, and you were worried, right? Two contrasting auras don’t merge, but yours did. Even when he got sweet with you and you were panicking, your auras kept melting in the middle. It was impossible to tell them apart at some point. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

 

Maybe Dowoon never did, but Cupid J159 has seen it before. It’s a very rare occurrence, when two souls are meant for each other, their auras melt together. At some point, after years of being together, the auras become too identical and turn into one. Jae has seen it a couple of times, it’s fascinating, and as Dowoon said, you cannot not shoot a true love arrow in such situation. It would be a crime. 

 

“But- how-” a lot of questions rises inside of his head, he doesn’t even know where to start. “Why?” Is what he manages to ask, exasperated and feeling wronged. 

 

Dowoon gives him a sympathetic smile, “Jinyoung hyung told me about your story with Brian, and I think that’s enough of an answer.”

 

Jae’s currently jammed, and slow brain refuses to process the words, one by one, and the other seems to notice his dilemma. He puts a hand on Jae’s shoulder, as if to calm him down, and tries to patiently explain things to him like one would to a kid. 

 

“How deep is Brian’s arrow?” 

 

He frowns, confused, but answers nonetheless, “Only the feather is visible.”

 

Dowoon nods, as if expecting that kind of an answer, “Don’t you think that two weeks is a very short time?” 

 

Jae nods. In average, it takes six weeks for an arrow to melt that much, and twelve to melt totally. Some arrows never melt past halfway. Those leave behind the easiest scars to heal. The cupid never thought a day where he envies that category would come. If only Brian was one of them. 

 

“Would you believe me if I said that yours is as deep?” 

 

For some reason, Jae’s hand flies to his chest, resting just over the spot where the arrow should be. 

 

‘It can’t be that deep. It’s only been a week,’ he thinks, panicking. 

 

“You can see it?” He asks, just to make sure the other is not messing with him. This has to be a joke.

 

Dowoon nods, “Weirdly enough, I still can.”

 

Jae inhales sharply, “How’s that possible?” 

 

It’s laughable, how him, a relatively experienced cupid, is asking such question to a seemingly young cupid. If only he could figure it out by himself. Human brains are sure slow, especially in such situations. 

 

“Hyung,” Dowoon starts, voice going soft. Instead of calming Jae, it only alarms him more. 

 

“Your love towards Brian, do you really think it’s something new? The work of an arrow?”

 

The question is simple, yet it awakens a well-buried doubt within Jae, something he’s done a great job at denying for years. Up till now, he’s thought it impossible. 

 

“It is- it’s not?” 

 

The other smiles at him, patiently, “A cupid’s existence is all about love, so of course they’re not immune to it. Unlike humans, they don’t even need the arrows. And you, hyung,” Dowoon’s gaze is intense and meaningful, “you got to experience both types; the unadulterated love of cupids, and the profound love caused by arrows.” 

 

As much as he wants to laugh at his destiny, Jae wants to cry as well. Does the other seriously mean that this is a good thing? He is speaking like it is a good thing, like Jae is lucky. Jae wishes he can share with him this point of view, but someone has to think about Brian. 

 

“I don’t know what kind of destiny this is, but I truly hope that you two could find a way,” Dowoon must know how wrong that sounds -in cupid standards at least-, but he’s still courageous enough to say it. 

 

Jae knows that there is no way for them. No matter how much he analyzes the situation, he doesn’t seem to find any promising outcome. The consequences would be irreversible and unpleasant, and their story is bound to end in a tragedy, as it seems. 

 

 

 

The rest of the afternoon is spent with Dowoon, the latter trying to help him forget a bit of his misery, and Jinyoung pays them a brief visit, mainly coming to check on him. By the evening, Jae got remarkably better, the headache and fever long gone. Too bad he can’t say the same about the pain in his chest. It’s becoming a constant existence in his life, apparently. 

 

He’s getting ready to go to sleep when someone knocks on his door. Wonpil’s head pops up through the door crack, he’s grinning sheepishly, asking fro permission to come inside.

 

“Are you feeling better now?” He enters, closing the door behind him. 

 

Jae smiles, “Yeah, a lot better. Thanks to you.” 

 

Wonpil plops on the bed, making himself comfortable, “Are you sure? I heard you spent the whole day with Dowoonie.” 

 

Jae pushes his leg away to make room for himself, “He’s a nice kid,” he admits, having a newfound fondness for the younger. 

 

Wonpil’s grin widens, reaching his eyes, “Yes he is.” 

 

Noticing the other’s reaction to the guy’s name, and the small blush that settles on his cheeks, Jae promises that he’ll tease Wonpil about it another day. He’s exhausted at the moment, and wants nothing more than to sleep for the next week, if possible. 

 

 

Wonpil pushes his body closer to Jae, so that he can put a hand on his knee. His grin morphs into a warm smile, “I don’t want to push you, but if you ever want someone to speak to, you know I’ll listen, right?” He says with his most reassuring, soft tone. 

 

“I know,” Jae tells him, mirroring his smile, “Thank you, Wonpil.”

 

And he means it, but he also has decided to keep the previous night’s happening to himself. Jae is not sure what Hyeji’s reaction would be, but as long as no one is dragging him away, cutting his current stay short, he’ll keep it a secret. The last thing he’d do to Brian is disappear without having a final talk with him, or without saying his goodbyes. 

 

 

That night, at a really late hour, and as Jae was still trying to tame down his thoughts to get some sleep, a small beep comes from his phone. He’s not surprised to read Brian’s name, yet he hesitates to open it. He doesn’t know what to expect. Or maybe he’s expected anything but the two words he got.

 

‘I’m sorry.’

 

-TBC-

---

Did it work??? Was this chapter sad???? Please tell me if you cried (I'll send tissues!! :p )

A few clarifications about the story:
* The story is told from Jae's pov, and as y'all know, Jae is: 1/a cupid, 2/oblivious af, 3/ an oblivious cupid, so of course, he misses a lot of details and is more focused on certain details than others. 
* I know how curious everyone is about Brian, but no worries, his backstory will be revealed little by little, as well as some other characters backstories. 
* This cupid AU has gone out of control. Honestly, I'm intentionally leaving a lot of details about the cupid community vague so that I can fit them to the story whenever i want. I'M SORRY IF I'M CONFUSING EVERYONE!!
*When I started updating the story, I had a lot of prewritten material (more than 20k words, and with some editing and additions, expanded to 40k words). Unfortunately, after this update, I only have the next chapter ready. 
This, of course, won't affect the regularity of my updates (once a week), but the chapters will probably get shorter. The good thing is that I have the whole story planned, so I just need to follow the outline. 

I think that's all I have to say for now, if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask, and I will do my best to answer them (without spoilers hopefully) =D Stay healthy, safe, and happy!! THANK YOU EVERYONE <3 <3