Spring, 2018

If you read enough books like me, or watched enough romantic movies, you often hear the phrase 'It was love at first sight.'

Well, it wasn't the case for me.

I met her two years ago, when the cherry blossoms were blooming, when hills were being peppered with green amongst melting white, when animals came out from their hibernation and the earth was once again filled with life.

It was a normal meeting. It wasn't anything fanciful at all. She was just a classmate that just happened to be put into the same class as me. To be honest, I don't remember well the details of our first meeting. But I had friends who knew her and so, we started hanging out together.

If you're a fellow introvert reading this, you would probably know that when you ever do hang out in groups, sometimes you just draw back into your shell and take a step back to observe the world around you. This happened to me a lot. Sometimes I just felt comfortable chilling at the back of the group while my friends decided what movie we were gonna watch, or where we were gonna go for dinner.

But everytime someone just had to break me out of my reverie. And it was her.

Bae Joohyun.

"Hey Seulgi! Watcha thinking about?"

Startled, I would look to the person who was clinging onto my arm, only to be met by eyes that were full of enthusiasm, full of life.

As someone who had never felt nor given a lot of affection, I never liked it when people touched me. But she was an exception.

At that time, I didn't know why.

Smiling, I would always reply, "Nothing much, just tired."

And, respecting my space, she would leave me be, but not without throwing a beautiful smile in my direction.

_________

But as the days passed, I saw how beautiful she was. She was an attentive listener, a helpful classmate who never judged you for who you were. Yet, when it came to the things she believed in, she stood firm. Above it all, she was human. She made mistakes but always laughed it off. With all these qualities, it was unsurprising that the people around her called her 'mom', a nickname that she took to with grace, but always chided us for using.

It was endearing.

Slowly, bit by bit, I felt this undescribed emotion coming to the surface. I wanted to spend more time with her, talk to her, hang out with her, know her better, wrap my arm around her shoulder.

I wanted to be with her.

But in this conservative society, could such a thing be? Was I condemned to a life of unhappiness simply because I liked a girl?

I wished not but the answer was right in front of me.

The late nights spent at the library were often accompanied by a presence of a boy (I will not mention his name for irrational anger would rise in my chest should I speak of it). I saw how she looked at him, how she laughed at his jokes, asked him questions and it angered me so.

I wanted her to look at me that way, to laugh at my jokes, to cry on my shoulder.

But no, she turned to him.

I tried to gain her affection, to get her to turn her attention towards me. I was driven by a sense of desperation; if I didn't try hard enough, what was right in front of my eyes would leave me for someone else who had not done as much for her and I did. They say that love comes in the smallest of actions, and perhaps it was this preconceived notion that guided me to do every little thing in my power for her. Be it to just make her laugh after a tough day, offering to give her a massage when she was tired...I tried everything. But still her gaze barely turned towards me with him around.

I was crushed.

They say that the people who are closest to you hurt you the most. I have to agree with that. Because everytime I saw them together, it hurt.

It hurt so bad.

Even though the two of them both denied that it was impossible for them to get together, I still felt the pain. Why was life so unfair? I tried to give her as much as I could. I always kept a watch over her out of the corner of my eye in case if anything happened, I would be the first one to be be able to attend to her. Yet, all she could see was this guy. This guy who -- ok I will give it to him -- was funny, hardworking and just a nice guy.

And this pain showed. I became visibly distressed with the two of them around.

But she never saw any of it.

And that's when the pain turned, from a rock that was crushing me, into an anger I never knew I could possess.

It turned into hatred.

Love and hate are intrinsically interwined. You can love and hate someone at the same time. At this point I cannot tell if the anger/hate was towards myself, my foolishness for trying to attain this forbidden love, or was it anger/hate towards the fact that I wanted her to notice me as much as I noticed her, and just ask me what was wrong.

I was in pain. And she was the cause of it.

I did what any hurt animal would do. I pushed her away.

It was an abrupt change of events. I stopped talking to her, stopped texting her, stopped hanging out with her.

And she got the message.

A giant chasm opened up between the two of us. And in a matter of months, we became strangers. No hellos in the corridor. No lunches together. Just strangers.

In spite of everything, I would always check in with my friends and ask how she was doing.

Because at the end of the day, they say that there will always be a special place in your heart for your first love.

And even if I had been relegated to a shadow, I would always be there for her when she needed anything.

But she seemed fine. So I had to let it be. As much as it hurt me to be away from her, a part of me hoped that she was hurting more. Maybe she would then come back to me, tell me that she wanted to be friends again, ask me what was wrong and that we could fix it.

Maybe.

It was all hope. She never came.

And I created a mess where I was the only one in pain.

But Father Time would work his magic, and eventually I found myself being free of the threads that once bound me.

We started talking again, albeit a little. To me though, those few sentences made me so happy.

A sudden realisation hit me and I realised it was happening again. I couldn't let history repeat itself.

So I decided that the best cur