64 Days Left | Joohyun

I rushed back home after that horrendous dinner affair. I didn’t know what to feel. Angry at Seulgi? Hurt by her actions? Hurt by the fact that she had thought that Bogum and I were together even though both of us told her multiple times that we were not? Or was I angry at myself for not caring about her sooner? For hurting her and not even apologising for it?

I kept reminding myself that we were not together. She had every right to run away from the past that hurt her, to find a better life. A life that she and Wendy shared. But now I was in the picture and everything was an absolute mess.

Wendy, why did you send me here only to let Seulgi hurt me?

The tears were beginning to run down my cheeks as I made my way up the stairs. The pain in my heart was so immense that I was struggling to breathe. My hands shook as I opened my front door and once the door closed, I slid down behind it, crying hard.

I was trying so hard to make things right, but everything was just going in the wrong direction. Seulgi was still hung up over Wendy. Did I even have a chance to make this right?

My chest was feeling tighter and tighter by the second. I needed something to cloud my thoughts. Rushing to the kitchen, I grabbed the bottle of beer from the fridge and downed it in mere seconds.

It was followed by another and another.

My vision blurred and somewhere along the way I lost my balance. The bottle I was holding onto broke and left a red line across my palm.

The blood. All I could see was red.

I could feel the pain now. The physical pain of the gash replaced some of the emotional pain in my heart.

I wondered how many gashes it would take for the pain to go away.

Would it be equivalent to the pain Seulgi had felt over the past couple of years I had hurt her? Will I be able to see the extent of the pain I caused her?

Well, let’s find out.

Gingerly, I picked up a piece off the floor and held it against my skin. I pressed it in and oh god, it hurt. But this was what I wanted wasn’t it? I’d rather endure this pain than the one that was ripping my heart in two.

I dragged the sharp along my forearm and got lost in the redness of it.

I couldn’t remember when I passed out.

59 Days Left | Seulgi

Joohyun hadn’t dropped by the past few days.

I couldn’t blame her. The time apart had left me thinking that perhaps I was too harsh on Joohyun when I simply chose to disappear like that. She actually cared about me, wanted to find out where I was, and I had left her in the dark for all those years despite Sooyoung telling me that she had been asking about my whereabouts. I had also conveniently decided for her that she didn’t need me in my life and that she was better off with Bogum, something I should have talked to her about instead of being such an .

But that talk with Joohyun had made me realise that she wanted to make this work and she really had come all this way to do so. I was being terrible, toying with her eve, pulling and pushing her away, sending her mixed signals. Perhaps it was time to give us a chance.

Wendy though…

“Sooyoung,” I called out once the connection went through.

“Sup buddy,” Sooyoung replied. “How’s it going with Joohyun?”

“Progress at the expense of hurting each other I guess,” I sighed. “We talked and cleared the air, but it didn’t go over so well.”

“When was this?”

“5 days ago.”

“So, you’ve had time to think about what she said huh?”

“Yea I guess…I was thinking that maybe I should try to let this work but Wendy…”

“You still can’t move on?”

“I loved her, married her, made love to her…how can I just get over her in such a short span of time?” I asked.

“No one asked you to get over her. We all want you to move on with your life. That was what Wendy intended when she sent Joohyun over,” Sooyoung pointed out. “Seulgi, Wendy suspected that this would happen. That you would misperceive your loyalty for her as the only way you can love her after her death. That isn’t the case. If you truly love her, respect what she wants for you and go and be happy Seul.

“There is a final puzzle piece. The rest you would need to figure it out on your own. The picture at your bedside? Wendy left a note behind there. She told me if you were ever facing doubts about you and Joohyun, you should read it.

“Give Joohyun a chance Seulgi, seriously.”

I put down the phone and rushed upstairs, dismantling the back of the frame in mere seconds. There, at the center, was a neatly folded blue note. I recognised Wendy’s handwriting on it immediately.

Fumbling with the note to ensure I didn’t tear it, I finally got it open. It wasn’t a long note, just a short one, just as Wendy would commonly leave on the table before she left the house on an early Sunday morning.

Seulgi:

You are probably confused by everything. Why Joohyun is there, what Sooyoung is doing on my behalf. But this note is not to explain everything. This note is to tell you to open your heart.

Seul, one of the most beautiful things about you is how hard you love someone. But that is also one of your pitfalls. If I am right, you feel like you are unable to give Joohyun another chance because it will be as though you are betraying me.

Let me tell you that is not true.

Seul. I love you. Always. But I cannot be beside you to love you back any longer. Keep me in your heart, and open part of it to someone else, someone who can love you back, who can be next to you for the next 50 to 60 years, who can grow old with you.

Stop living in the past Seul. I have gone and you need to move on. I want to see you happy up in heaven, okay?

Loving you always, Wendy

Tear drops began to stain the paper as I read the note. Wendy knew that I would struggle to love another and to help me along, she gave me her permission to love freely.

That was all I needed. Putting the note back in its place and wiping the tears from my eyes, I grabbed a coat and rushed over to Joohyun’s place.

This time, there would be no doubt.

This time, I would do my best to make Joohyun and I work. 

+

A deep unsettling feeling rose in my gut as I rang the doorbell for the 10th time. Something was not right. Was Joohyun not at home?

I dialled her number and heard her ringtone play from inside her house. She was at home. Why wasn’t she answering the door or her phone? I was getting really worried.

"Joohyun? Hey open up!" I knocked on the door.

Silence.

"Joohyun, I know you are mad at me but please, can we talk it over? Open up please!”

I waited a couple of seconds but no movement could be heard.

“If you're not gonna open up I'm gonna force my way in!"

Still no reply.

That was it. I kicked the door open and rushed into the apartment.

Only to see Joohyun lying on the floor, cuts and bruises on her arms and legs. Cold sweat covered her entire body and she looked deathly pale. Broken glass was strewn all over the apartment floor and Joohyun was still clutching a shard in her hand.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened.

"Hyun! What the- why did you do this?" I panicked as I cradled her head in my hands. "Hyun! Can you hear me?!"

"Seul," Joohyun's eyes flickered open for a split second. When she saw me she smiled but it seemed as though even the exertion of opening her eyes was too much to bear.

The next words broke my heart.

"Have I *huff* suffered as much pain as you did? *huff* Are we equal now?"

"Joohyun you ing idiot what have you done!" I could hear my blood rushing in my ears. All I could focus on was how I needed to get Joohyun to the hospital asap. Gathering the limp body in my arms, I hoisted her onto my back, noting how feverish she was.

Stay with me Hyun. Stay with me please. I can't afford to lose you too.

+

It felt like deja vu all over again.