2010

He sat down heavily on the couch, followed short by Daesung, who half-fell on him and leaned over to rest his head on his shoulder; he didn’t complain, since he didn’t actually mind at all and they both slid into a comfortable silence for a while.
 
The others had remained at the studio because Jiyong had wanted to fix something in Seungri’s part, thing that hadn’t made the maknae happy at all (obviously), even if he hadn’t had the chance to say anything, because sometimes he felt like he wasn’t always on the leader’s good side, even if he was wrong, considering the latter was just trying to help him and the group as well as he could; and that left only the two of them in the dorm, which felt strangely big when it was so empty and quiet.
 
He didn’t know why, but he enjoyed being alone with him, because, for some reason, he always felt like they didn’t need words at all to understand each other and he’d hardly ever felt that way with anyone else; he nuzzled his hair with his chin and waited patiently, because he felt like the younger had something to say.
 
“Sometimes it’s tiring to be who they expect you to be.” his dongsaeng eventually said, his voice grave, sounding exhausted in that moment more than he’d been in a long time; or, at least, that he’d allowed himself to show in a long time.
 
After his accident, he always tried to be cheerful and grateful about what he got, as if he was scared something was going to happen to him again if he dared complain even a tiny bit; he hated seeing him like that and wished he could help him, but there wasn’t much he could do, he could only ask him how he was doing, if he was getting enough sleep, if he was tired and hope he would answer truthfully, even though he knew he often lied because he didn’t want them to worry.
 
He looked at him for a moment, knowing perfectly was he was talking about and knowing what feeling that was, a bit puzzled because he’d never actually expected him to feel like that; he’d expected him to feel in many ways, but he hadn’t thought he thought he needed to put a mask on because of how the world viewed him.
 
But, after all, he should’ve known, because Daesung wasn’t all that talkative and extrovert in real life as he was on the stage; he tended to forget that, because, after so many years with the group, he’d learned that there was nothing to fear with them and had partially become how he appeared (of course, they were his family, it wouldn’t have been any different).
 
“I know.” he whispered back, afraid he would be too loud, as he usually was, and quietly put his arm around his shoulders, squeezing him closer; he’d said more than once that he didn’t like physical contact, but he never minded with him or the other members.
 
“You can just be who you are with me.” he added after a while, feeling stupid and like that phrase didn’t make sense at all for how he’d worded it, but he knew he’d made the right choice saying it; he’d promised himself that he would never let him go and, so, he always felt the need to tell him what he was thinking even more than he did before.
 
It was the truth, though; he didn’t want him to feel like he needed to be what the world expected him to be with him, too, he couldn’t care less about the imagine everyone had of them. After all, everyone saw Jiyong as a player when really all he did was write music and focus on the group, being the responsible leader he’d always been since the start, even when he couldn’t stand the sight of half of them. Seungri was pictured as an even bigger player, who loved to joke and make allusions, but he had the incredibly ability to be extremely serious when he needed to and always put everything in his job, scared he still needed to be accepted by them. Youngbae was always bold and sure of himself on the stage, and seemed to not understand the purpose of a shirt, while in reality he was rather shy and tended to be the most mature among all of them.
 
And then there was him, always considered good looking and mysterious, but really, he was just weird and never knew what was going on in his head; he hoped fans would learn to love them for how they really were and not for what they saw them as.
 
Daesung answered after a moment, telling him that he’d always tried to be who he was around them, even if sometimes he found it difficult, maybe because he didn’t want them to be disappointed if they found out something they didn’t like about him; the rapper looked at him –or rather, at his head –in disbelief, unsure what to say back to that. Taking a sudden decision, he grabbed the younger’s hand and intertwined their fingers, holding tightly onto him.
 
“That’s not possible, Daesung-ah.” and he meant it; he doubted he would ever find something that could make him dislike his dongsaeng, not after everything they’d gone through together, all that fear and all those uncertainties.
 
He was his best friend, he was his brother, and he didn’t think he had the capability to dislike him; he knew he’d seen the real Daesung, he knew he was really a sweet angel who worried about others a lot more than he should have, who always put a lot of thought into his words because he didn’t want to say something wrong and hurt their feelings, he always put them before himself.
 
Maybe that was what he actually hated about him; sometimes he wished he remembered that he was important, too, and that being selfless wasn’t always a good thing. That sometimes he should’ve allowed himself to just not be okay, because it wouldn’t be selfish of him, he was just human; he was allowed to cry, he was allowed to be angry, he was allowed to scream, he was allowed to be tired, he shouldn’t have feared he was being unfair towards other people.
 
He didn’t say anything, in that moment, but he told himself that he would tell him that, one day, when it felt like what he needed to do in order to help him survive; because he knew that day would come, there was a moment for everybody when they needed to hear those words to survive.
 
He just didn’t think that moment would come so soon.