A/N: This is from Jiyong's point of view

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october 2019

Everything felt bittersweet, now; everything that was a reminiscence of their old life.

If once he always rejoiced at the idea of spending time lighting a cigarette with Jiyong, now it seemed that the smoke clogged his lungs and the aftertaste was almost unbearable; it almost felt like they didn’t have anything to say to each other, anymore.

Like both of them had become used to be quieter and reserved during their time in the military, and had lost all their will to express themselves; of course, it wasn’t true, the only problem was the will to get used to their old life again.

Not that anything was what it used to be, with everything that was happening with Seungri and everything that had happened in between; some parts of them still believed in the flower road and he couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad thing.
 
The air of the night was hotter than it was supposed to be, considering it was almost November, but neither of them cared; they both kept staring in front of them, at the smoke mixing with the lights of the city, silently listening to the cacophony of life, a life that went on without them.

For some reason, Jiyong kept thinking about a quote from ‘The Great Gatsby’ and he couldn’t help the suffocating feeling which lingered around his heart, every time his mind wandered over something that even remotely reminded him of Seungri.
 
‘I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.’
 
He let some of the ash fall from the tip of his cigarette, and watched it as it swirled around in the wind for a moment, extinguishing slowly and descending over the street, insignificant and hopeless, exactly as he sometimes felt, realizing there was nothing he could do to help.

He sighed and glanced at Seunghyun, who was right beside him, his slender fingers close to his mouth, bringing the cigarette to his lips, with his unruly hair he envied so much moving lightly in the breeze and his eyes looking big, dark and lost; there was an incredible number of secrets he wanted to tell him, almost felt the impelling need to tell him.

He felt like he was the only person he had left in the entire world, considering he barely saw Youngbae and had met Daesung even less. And, well, Seungri couldn’t… He just…
 
He knew he could’ve talked to his sister or his mom, but, somehow he knew they wouldn’t understand; not because they didn’t want to, but because, maybe, he was the one who didn’t want them to understand, since he’d always felt like there wasn’t anyone who could understand him more than his bandmates, since there were things only them knew.

He wasn’t sure Seunghyun knew, though. No, he was positive he didn’t know; he’d always had too many problems himself, had never fully understood what was going on his own head and he couldn’t possibly have noticed that…
 
“Seunghyun?” his voice left his throat as barely a whisper before he could stop it, and his hyung turned around almost immediately, so fast for a moment he thought he’d heard what was in his mind and hadn’t even needed him to call him; which wasn’t strange, per se, they were separated parts of the same soul, after all, but terrified him so much in that situation that the cigarette almost slipped from between his fingers.

He swallowed air and looked upon the older man’s face, looking for a sign, fearing that he already knew what he was going to tell him; but the only emotion painted on his face was curiosity, blended with the inevitable melancholy that never left his eyes, recently.
 
“You know how I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while?” he started, trying to keep his voice steady and failing miserably; he waited for Seunghyun to nod and then continued, feeling inexplicably afraid of what he had to say, even if he knew that his brother wouldn’t judge him for who he loved like many other people would.

The more he talked the more he gained confidence, and the more he felt like he was having a meltdown; he told how he went from hating the maknae to developing a crush on him, explaining to him that it was Youngbae who made him realise his true feelings for the youngest, continuing recalling how hopeless he’d felt for a while, before realizing that Seungri was just terribly oblivious, continuing on how they’d finally come together.

Talking about what had happened in 2014 left a sour feeling against his tongue but he kept going, exposing Untitled for what it really meant, still unable to explain himself how his hyung had never realised who the song had been written for; and finished telling him how lost he felt right now, after so many years they had been together, feeling useless as he couldn’t help him soothe his soul, as he had to listen to Seungri telling that he would do better breaking up with him instead of keeping suffering because of him and being incapable of making him see that he loved him too much to ever give him up whatever happened, in whatever mess they were in.
 
Jiyong’s cigarette had died a long time before, falling on the ground near his feet, without a sound, and Seunghyun had carelessly thrown his down the balcony, without even killing it, and it flew in the night still ignited till it was out of sight.

He realised he was crying angry, scorching tears only when Seunghyun pulled him into an incredibly awkward hug, his arm around his thin shoulders. Even if he felt selfish for that, he was tired of keeping everything in and finally decided to aloe himself to cry, because he didn’t want to explode in less appropriate moment, with nobody there to help him.

He didn’t even need to hear him say it, he knew his hyung hadn’t changed his opinion on him and didn’t see him differently from before than he did before. He’d understood it from how intently he’d been listening to him, how he’d seemed to recognize everything that he’d missed even if it was right under his nose all that time, how he’d almost seemed guilty for not understanding before.
 
When the hug loosened, Jiyong pulled back and was about to apologize, rubbing his tears away from his cheeks like he used to do with his make-up, messily and negligently, but the older stopped him before he could say anything, surprising him:
 
“If you really care for him, don’t ever give him up. Because I think a love like yours is rare.” he gaped at him for a moment, wondering where his hyung had picked up enough romantic knowledge to understand love; his words seemed heartfelt, it seemed that he’d understood everything he’d just told him perfectly, not in the usual way, not because they were the same soul, but as if he’d been desperate exactly like he was before.

He didn’t mean to insult him, to determine him as somebody who didn’t understand that kind of love, but he’d always felt like that, because he knew that Seunghyun valued friendship above everything else and couldn’t give a damn about romantic love; everything he’d known about him seemed to crumble in front of him.
 
At the same time, he realised he was right, and that his words had helped him: he didn’t even want to admit it to himself, but he’d started wondering if this time he and Seungri would be able to fix the situation or if it was better to let everything and himself fall into numbness; he wasn’t going to let him go, he was going to hold tight onto him, no matter the consequences.

He tried to speak once again, feeling the want to talk for hours about how angry he was with the people who’d left Seungri alone, people who’d called themselves his friends and now did nothing else but insult him and throw him further into the dirt, every person who’d abandoned him like he mattered nothing, but, once again, Seunghyun was faster than him:
 
“Tell him every good thing you remember about him.” at first, he didn’t understand what he meant, didn’t understand why he wanted to hear about the good things when nothing was good; then, he realised that it was better that way. When it seems there’s no hope, it’s better to look for the light, to remember that it’s not the end, that the world is still out there, breathing, living, and that, at some point, everything will be fine; it was almost a defence mechanism, to stop yourself from falling deeper into your own mind, your own desperation, your own darkness.

He smiled, leaning back against the balcony’s railing, looking up at the starless sky, and let his mind go back to when everything was fine, and everything was his, when he was young and the universe was still his to take.
 
Starting to talk, he began to lose a sense of time, and finally comprehended how much he’d to say and how much maybe he’d been waiting for someone to talk about him, just him, his maknae, his Seungri; when he found himself short of words and short of breath, the sky has started to lighten at the edge, and his soul had done the same. He knew everything wasn’t magically back as it should’ve been, but he felt like he could dare to hope; he somehow felt happier, at peace, like he knew what he needed to do. Seunghyun was beside him, looking up at the sky as well, a warm and sweet smile opening on his face, as if helping him he’d helped himself as well.
 
“You know” he began, softly, without turning to him; his eyes were slightly closed and he seemed in deep thought. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in l…” after that half-phrase, everything happened so quickly that it took Jiyong a while to move from his initial position, dazzled as he was, unsure what had just occurred. Seunghyun’s eyes shot open suddenly, his voice died in his throat, the word getting stuck somewhere unidentified and he jumped away from the railing, as if it were on fire, and inside his house, almost running; for once, the younger couldn’t explain himself that sudden change of mood, and, quickly as he could, he scrambled after him, calling his name but going unheard.
 
He found him in the kitchen, opening a new bottle of wine; or, to put it better, trying to open a bottle of wine with alarmingly shaking hands, so much he was afraid he would cut himself, somehow.

Jiyong stared at him confusedly as he reached into a cupboard, grabbing a glass and slamming in down on the counter with such force it was a miracle it didn’t break, attempting to understand what had just happened, what could’ve upset him that much, out of sudden; when, trying to take the bottle into his hand he managed to knock it down and had to pick it up on the fly, swearing, before it could make a mess, Jiyong stepped around the counter and grabbed his arm, to calm him down.

The older man flinched slightly, as if he’d forgotten he was there at all.
 
“Seunghyun.” he called, as gently as possible, squeezing his arm ever so lightly, trying to catch his attention, but the other kept avoiding his gaze, as if he was deeply ashamed; after a moment, he shook his head and slipped out of his grasp, turning away from him. “Please, talk to me.” the leader was starting to feel desperate and rather stupid, since he couldn’t understand what was going on; he didn’t dare to get close to him again, as if he was a dangerous and unpredictable wild animal, he patiently waited for him to answer, giving him all the time he needed.
 
When Seunghyun eventually turned around to look at him, what he saw in his eyes could only be described as pure and raw agony, and it terrified, left him completely floored, because he didn’t know how to interpret it.
 
“How is it? Being in love, I mean?” the younger only looked at him for a brief moment, wondering where that question was coming from and then, measured his words carefully.
 
“I think I just told you.” when the other only frowned, as if he was trying his best to understand what exactly that meant for him, as if he was losing himself into the maze of his mind, he quickly added: “You know, it’s like…” voicing his thoughts was harder than he thought it would be, but he didn’t want to scare Seunghyun off, to send him in an even more panicked state. “When you’re in love with somebody, you can’t seem to forget about them, for how hard you try. When they’re with you, the world slowly starts to revolve around them, you fall into them without a reason, you start noticing details about them nobody else would; when they’re not there, you feel like drowning and you start asking yourself if the world had always seemed so… hollow, meaningless. And, if they’re sad, or unhappy you just want to crumple up their pain and fit it into your heart, so they don’t have to feel it anymore; and, well, you want to be the one who makes them happy, you want to be the cause behind their smile.” at this point, he didn’t know what to say anymore; he glanced up, realising he’d started to look in front of himself, as if the words he’d been searching for had been scattered on the floor waiting to be picked up.
 
Seunghyun was completely shattered, it wasn’t hard to understand; it seemed that he’d forgotten how to breathe.

After a longer time than what it should’ve taken him, he realised tears had gathered up in his eyes and he was trying his best not to fall into pieces. Not knowing what to do, not even knowing what had bothered him in the first place, he reached for him again and pulled him into his arms, breaking down the cracked wall the older had desperately been trying to hold up; he rubbed circles on his back with his fingers, as tenderly as he could, wanting to be comforting. His hyung was attempting to compose a phrase, between his gut-wrenching sobs, and was shaking desperately, as if there was a storm in his soul and he couldn’t stop it.
 
“Ji, I don’t understand… I don’t even understand where the line that divides love from friendship stands, I never cared…” suddenly, barely grasping the words, he was starting to figure out what he was trying to tell him, and he knew it would make sense, after all; Seunghyun’s head was a dangerous place, when it wanted to be, and, slowly, with time, he’d started to learn how to ignore the thoughts he didn’t want to have and had maybe started to do it more and more, to protect himself, protect himself from the outside world and, well… himself, and perhaps, he’d gotten to a point where he couldn’t understand himself, anymore.
 
“I can’t fall in love, it’s not possible… I’m not like other people, I... Ji… Ji, I don’t know what to do.” he sensed him move and bury his face into his shoulder, attempting to hide from everything he wanted to keep away. But couldn’t, because it was all in his mind. “I think I’m in-” the word that followed undoubtedly had to be ‘love’, but it was almost like Seunghyun couldn’t bring himself to say it, not in that moment, not with that meaning “ –with him; but I shouldn’t be, it’s wrong…”
 
In that second, without a precise reason, what Jiyong had found himself thinking about more than once during the time where everything was fine and the military didn’t annoyingly stand in his group’s way resurfaced, without warning, and he realised that he had been right; all those times when he’d wondered if it was all in his mind or he’d really seen something suspicious, he’d been right.
 
“Daesung.” it wasn’t nor a question nor a statement, it was a mix between the two, but it was enough to have a confirm; Seunghyun held him a bit closer and seemed to cry even more desperately than before. Of course; it’d always been Daesung.