A/N: Based on certain events that led Seunghyun to interrupt his military service.

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june 2017

“You idiot, you unbelievable idiot.” he’d barely had the time to pick up the phone before the voice had reached him; it wasn’t properly an angry voice, it was more bitter, pained, just a whispered hiss. In that moment, he truly felt like an idiot, and didn’t even have to ask what he was talking about, because, after all, he knew.

He shouldn’t have gotten caught, he knew it, it wasn’t such a difficult concept; he’d ed up really badly and he didn’t need someone to tell him. Somehow, he would get out of that situation; maybe.

He knew that, at that point, the only solution was pleading guilty and accept the consequences; lying would’ve put him in a worse situation and that was the last thing he wanted. But, in all honesty, he knew that the person on the other end of the line wasn’t mad at him for that reason, not entirely.

He didn’t even know how to begin explaining to him what had happened, since he wasn’t sure himself; it was strange, but everything was kind of a blur.
 
“I’m sorry…” what the only thing he gathered the courage to say, even if he wanted to tell him so much more; he wanted to tell him that he needed that anti-anxiety medicine more than anything, because he’d lost the stability he’d had in his life, he needed something to give him a semblance of balance, because sometimes he’d found himself breaking down for no reason, unable to breathe, unable to move.

His head was still the mess it’d always been and, without his masterpieces, he’d been lost every day more than the previous. He hadn’t actually tried to… well, kill himself, he just hadn’t been able to stop himself; he knew taking too much would hurt him, he wasn’t completely stupid, but he’d kept thinking that it wasn’t enough, that he still felt closed in a suffocating grip, he still felt like the walls were closing in on him and was feeling like he was dying anyway. Only now he realised how selfish he’d been, and he realised that it didn’t matter if he was sorry, because he couldn’t change; he always acted out of selfishness, he never thought about anyone or anything else, just himself.
 
“I don’t care. How could you be so…” he trailed off, but it was clear what he’d been trying to say, he knew he was right, he knew he was an idiot. Irresponsible, insensitive, egoistical. And that was how he’d always been and would always be, maybe he’d even tried to be right, in all those years, but he was wrong, he didn’t deserve anything or anybody. He ignored the tears pricking against the back of his eyes, biting his bottom lip, waiting for the river of words to come from the other end of the line; maybe he actually wanted him to scream at him, instead of just whispering sharply.

He knew seeing Daesung angry was a rare thing, and, somehow, he always ended up being angry at him; he couldn’t blame him, after all, he acted without thinking most of the times and it usually ended up in a disaster. Instead of what he was expecting, he received a resigned sigh. “I’m the one who’s sorry; I should ask you how you’re feeling, but here I am, getting angry at you. It’s selfish.”
 
At this point, you could say that Seunghyun was more than confused; because he honestly thought that he deserved to be screamed at, because he’d done something stupid, even if not completely voluntarily.

But, for some reason, it was Daesung who thought he was being selfish, even if he wasn’t doing anything wrong; it was only natural for him to be pissed at him, because he cared about him and he hadn’t even stopped a second to think about him or the other three, he’d taken pill after pill without thinking about the consequences.

He didn’t have time to respond, he heard him sigh once again, like he was battling himself over what to tell him; when he finally talked again, what he said was not at all what he’d been expecting.
 
“Seunghyun, I… It sounds stupid, maybe even ridiculous, but I think you might have saved my life that day; you know, when–” he didn’t finish his sentence, but the older knew what he was talking about, he could never forget what he was referring to, the memory was still too indelible in his head and it’d been six years. He was speechless, had no idea what to answer to that, he didn’t think he could find the right words; the honesty he felt in Daesung’s voice was almost painful. “Because, every time I thought there was no hope for me, I remembered that I had you, all of you and that you still loved me, even though–” he’d never thought before that moment that his simple words had really helped him that much; he’d always thought that he’d listened to him and took pity of him, feeling the duty to give him the sign he’d asked, he didn’t know what to say.

He knew the tears he’d tried to keep in had broken free and were falling down his cheeks. “Maybe it’s egoistical, but I need you.” in that moment he wondered if his dongsaeng was feeling how he’d been feeling all those years ago; like he was just saying empty words, that wouldn’t do anything at all. If he felt completely helpless like he’d felt back then, knowing that he wasn’t okay and that he couldn’t do anything to even try to comfort him.

But he was; and he was slowly realising that maybe some part of him had been scared that everything he’d loved and had fought for was gone, he’d been scared that everyone he’d loved could live without him even better than they did when he was in their lives, because it was better without someone as messed up as he was.

And now he realised how stupid his fear had been, because he’d always known that wasn’t true and had convinced himself of that, because he wasn’t okay.
 
“Remember what you said? That it was going to be okay; now it’s my turn to promise that. You’re an idiot, Choi Seunghyun, but I need you. And I’m not giving up on you.”