2012

If there was something that basically everybody knew, it was that Kang Daesung rarely got angry and was always kind and quiet; that was the reason why nobody wanted to be in Choi Seunghyun’s shoes in that moment.

Every single person who was standing in the narrow hallway jumped out of the way as the two passed by, trying their best to keep on with their jobs instead of following them with their eyes wondering what was going on, trying not to invade their privacy; but it was evident that everyone was attempting to guess what could’ve possibly have happened.

They weren’t really arguing for the time being, they were just walking, without a precise destination in mind; the younger was rushing in front of the other, not running but walking faster than he would normally do and the older was trailing behind him, taking big steps and asking him to stop for a minute, but his plea kept seemingly being unheard.

That was what was scary, because, first of all, Daesung wasn’t the type to ignore someone so cruelly, and, second was the fact that he kept shooting back just one word, without even screaming, but with so much sourness and exasperation that it was terrifying.
 
“Shut up!” he repeated once again, without turning around to clearly let the other see that he had no intention to talk to him and that he needed to leave him alone before he could do something he would later regret. One of the dancers got out of the way barely one second before getting run over, and stared at the usual duo in that unusual situation, thinking of somebody who could answer the question everyone has, which was what had made the singer so furious with the rapper, since it seemed no one knew.

Everyone had to agree that was a rather peculiar scene, considering Daesung seemed to get along with all the people he knew and he was usually glued to the one he was so stubbornly avoiding right in that moment; T.O.P had probably messed up a lot if they were in that situation and it was difficult to imagine what he had done, considering his dongsaeng was well too patient when it came to him and everyone could agree on that.
 
Daesung violently threw open a random door and walked into the room, finding it empty, hoping that Seunghyun would finally stop following him and would leave him alone, because he didn’t want to deal with him in that moment, he really didn’t want to and had no intention to; obviously, that hope flew to the wind right when the older walked in behind him and grabbed his arm.

Rolling his eyes and letting out a sigh of exhaustion, he wriggled free and walked a couple of steps further inside the room, finally turning around to observe the other man, who had a puzzled expression on his face, as if he really didn’t know what was going on or what had made him so angry; he was so ing dense sometimes he wanted to just punch him.
 
And maybe that was true, because Seunghyun had no idea what he’d done that could have infuriated his dongsaeng so much; nothing out of the ordinary had happened, he’d just been his usual annoying self during the concert and everything had seemed normal, until they’d finally came back backstage and suddenly Daesung’s smile had dropped and he’d started ignoring him completely.

He knew he was irritating when he wanted to be, but he’d never seen the younger behave like that with him and he didn’t understand what was wrong; instead of running away, he should’ve told him what was wrong, he should’ve known he wasn’t intelligent enough to get it himself, that he had the bad habit to be forgetful and tactless. He knew he never realised when he was overdoing, he never realised when he was becoming unbearable, he was probably just too stupid to realise it, or his mind wouldn’t allow him to.
 
“Daesung-ah, please, tell me what’s wrong.” the younger man didn’t answer right away, he just let out an ironic and acid laugh, shaking his head slightly; Seunghyun couldn’t ignore the fact that it stung, not knowing what had made his best friend so upset and being unable to apologize because the latter didn’t want to talk to him.

He was usually patient and careful with him, always accepted him for what he was, so he knew he must have done something extremely dumb; he wasn’t lying thinking that he would do anything to have his forgiveness, even beg if he had to, because he couldn’t stand this situation for long, it’d already been enough.

“You don’t know, do you?” he opened his mouth to answer that question, but, at the last second, he decided it would be better to actually shut up for once; Daesung had his arms crossed in front of his chest and was looking at him with what could only be defined as poison in his eyes, and he could feel that poison slowly killing him from where he was standing.

He didn’t know what to do, he limited himself to observing his dongsaeng as he stepped forward, getting closer to him; for some reason, in that moment, he felt almost scared of him, probably because that didn’t seem the person he knew at all, and it made him confused. He was the one who acted without a reason, he was the one who pushed people away and threated them like dirt and couldn’t do anything about that; the younger had a heart of gold, he was someone who could never hurt anybody, he was considerate and bright.
 
He realised he’d gotten lost into his thoughts, only when he found himself being nudged against the wall near the door, with so much unfamiliar roughness he gasped out loud; he glanced at Daesung, suddenly feeling frightened, actually afraid he was going to hurt him for a reason he didn’t even know and noticed there was a fierce, almost wild spark in his eyes.

Everything went silent for a second, and all he could hear was the beat of his heart, painfully loud and fast; he was even more disorientated than before now, asking himself why he was currently trapped between his dongsaeng’s arms, pressed up against a wall. He was so close he could almost count his eyelashes one by one but he knew that surely wasn’t a good moment; he had no idea what the other was doing, but he couldn’t move away. He couldn’t because he wanted to fix that situation, he couldn’t because he felt petrified.
 
“Does it feel good to be forced to do something?” his voice was merely a hiss and he could feel his breath on his face, but he didn’t even think about it, too focused in trying to understand what he was talking about; he’d never forced him to do anything, he would never force him to do anything he didn’t want to do.

He didn’t understand what he was saying and he didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell him what was wrong, he knew he was bad at reading people, he knew he was bad at feelings, he knew he was just like a child, he knew he was stupid! He couldn’t find words to reply, so he only stood still, swallowing nothing, clenching his fists, waiting for anything that would come, hoping he wouldn’t just leave him there with one hundred questions in his head.
 
“I…” in that moment, he seemed to stumble over his words, unable to continue and, for a brief second, the rapper could feel that he wasn’t just enraged, he was sad and disappointed, as if even he couldn’t believe what he was doing and that he realised that it was out of character, but it had felt like the only way to have him listen. “Just because I’m your dongsaeng and I never get angry, it doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. I’m not a puppet you can control, I’m not- I’m not your possession, I’m not some chair you can just buy and use.”
 
Seunghyun was absolutely speechless, because he’d never thought Daesung felt like that, he’d never wanted him to feel like that with him, all he’d always wanted was protect him and make him feel like he was safe with him and he didn’t know where all that had gone to ruins; he didn’t know what he’d specifically done, but now it didn’t matter anymore, because that had just been the last straw of things that had started building up probably a long time before.

Again, he tried to speak, but he found that he didn’t have words to say, there was nothing he could say that could fix that situation now; he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, he suddenly felt incredibly hopeless. He wished it was easy for him to explain how he was feeling, he wished it was easy for him to let people know how much he cared for them, but he always ended up making a mess.
 
He’d stayed silent for so long that the younger had apparently grown tired of waiting for an answer, for anything, just a sign that he’d understood what was wrong and he wanted to start being a better person and friend, because he felt him push himself away from the wall and watched him as he stepped towards the door, shaking his head in disbelief; in that moment, something snapped inside him and he mentally insulted himself for being such an ugly, unbearable and disgusting person and for hurting his best friend, his dongsaeng, one of the most important people in his life.

Sometimes he really wished his mind would allow him to not be a total mess just once in a while and allow him to not push people away from him because he was such a disaster; he hated the dark and unexplored part of his head, the one where all his unwanted thoughts and broken feelings resided, the one which made him act without a reason, the one which made him so impossible to love and accept.
 
And it was exactly that part of him that forced him to step forward and reach Daesung, grabbing him to stop him and wrapping his arms around his waist from behind, closing his eyes and trying to even his ragged breathing, trying to hide his desperation; strangely enough, the younger didn’t try to pull away and stayed tense for only a second, before sighing helplessly and relaxing.

They stayed like that for an undefined moment, without saying anything; Seunghyun had pressed his face against the other’s shoulder, trying to convince himself that he wasn’t leaving him forever, that he was just disappointed and that everything would be fine. But, after all, he knew that he needed to be as careful with him as the younger had always been with him; he felt so stupid realizing that, maybe, he’d always taken him for granted, for all those years, and that had been the worst thing he’d ever thought. He was selfish and he knew he would never stop being like that, he just couldn’t; he finally found the courage to speak up and whispered the words prudently:
 
“I’m sorry, I’ll be better; but you need to tell me when I do something that hurts you, I’m— I can’t— Please, forgive me.” he sensed him sigh softly but more serenely than all the others time he’d done it from the moment they had stepped backstage; he touched his hand with his own, as if he was trying to be reassuring and Seunghyun felt like everything had gone back to how it had always been, with him being selfish and Daesung trying to reassure him as if he didn’t care.
 
“That’s the problem, hyung. I always forgive you.”