A/N: The date is so specific because it was when Seungri's accident happened and he couldn't attend YG's family concert. And here we go again with my love for GDae for absolutely no reason.

Also, Seunghyun isn't just jealous. Nah, absolutely not. And poor T.O.P doesn't have good observation skills and hasn't noticed Nyongtory happening right under his nose, idk.

- - -

september 13, 2014

There are things that it’s better not to know and Seunghyun had to learn it as his own expense; not because he’d found something out he wasn’t supposed to know, but because there was definitely something he didn’t want to know. He felt kind of weirded out from what he’d seen and couldn’t really find a reason.

He didn’t even know what it was, he didn’t know what it meant, for him, for them, for everybody. Maybe he was looking too much into it, and nothing at all had happened, it was just his mind playing tricks on him. But he felt like he needed to know if it actually meant something, because he just couldn’t stand the doubt; if there was something he hated even more than lying was not knowing, because he knew his mind would start thinking a lot of different possible scenarios and he would start losing touch with reality.

He decided that the best thing to do was ask the person who had created that doubt, or, at least, one of the people; he didn’t even think about it too much when he stopped him, as they were walking down a hallway to reach BigBang’s changing room, surrounded by busy people setting up the last things for the concert.
 
“Why was Jiyong in your room last night?” when he heard that question, Daesung stopped abruptly and he turned around so fast he could almost hear the bones snapping in his neck from where he was standing, a few feet behind him; he looked extremely surprised and that made him understand that he’d pushed the right button and had found out something he wasn’t supposed to, which made the whole situation even more suspicious than it already was. If before he’d only considered that something strange was going on, now he was certain that it was true; he wondered what it was, though, even if he could only imagine one thing based on what he’d seen. 

But he knew that could mean that the whole situation was extremely dangerous, because it would end up with tears and broken hearts and the group would be severely affected by it; a bittersweet taste lingered on his tongue, as he waited patiently for his dongsaeng to answer.
 
“He couldn’t sleep and he wanted to talk.” Seunghyun seriously hoped he knew it wasn’t what he was asking, he seriously hoped he would tell him if something was going on; he didn’t understand why he would’ve gone to his room if he wanted to talk.

He had Youngbae, who was literally his older brother he’d known for all his life, and he had him, the person who could understand him the most because they were alike, and he couldn’t understand why he would’ve wanted to talk with Daesung, no offense, because, after all, he was the one he was the least close to; what could’ve possibly have happened that was so tragic he’d felt the need to go to his room? He didn’t understand if Jiyong thought he could ignore their dongsaeng most of the time and ask him for help just when he wanted and felt the need to, or if the two of them were hiding something he’d never noticed before.
 
“But why you?” he retorted, blinking at him, sure that he had a very puzzled expression on his face, and sure that the other would understand what he was talking about; there was more than one thing he couldn’t understand, he couldn’t understand if Daesung was lying and trying to cover up something bigger, he couldn’t understand why their leader had to talk with his best friend when he needed someone to talk to, he couldn’t understand why he’d seen him come out of the room with the same clothes he’d been wearing the day before, ruffled and dishevelled, and he couldn’t understand why his heart felt so heavy at the thought that they might’ve been hiding an—affair.

He didn’t know why the idea made him so uncomfortable and he wasn’t sure he wanted to, because he didn’t want to find out such an awful part of himself that way; he wasn’t against it, per se, it just felt wrong, and not because they were both men, but because it was them.
 
“Why not? He’s my friend, too, you know? It’s not like him yours.” the words hit harder than they should’ve and he felt an even heavier weight on his soul; he knew he was right, he knew he didn’t have any right to be jealous and to feel like his dongsaeng was being stolen, but he couldn’t help himself, even if it was stupid. Maybe that was who he was; he wasn’t just selfish, he was extremely insecure and he was afraid everyone he loved so dearly would leave him, at some point, when they realised that he was messed up beyond their comprehension and understanding.

For a moment, he considered asking Daesung if he was in love with Jiyong, but he didn’t, because, as soon as the thought appeared in his mind, it seemed extremely foolish, and impossible; he was seeing things when they weren’t there because of his own egoistical mind, he was afraid someone would take the younger away from him and it was what he feared the most sometimes.

They could take from him everything they wanted, but not the people he cared about; and it would’ve been heart-breaking to have one of those people rip another away from him.
 
“I just—I didn’t—” he huffed, unsure what to say next, knowing that he needed to be honest because otherwise if would’ve been uncharacteristic of him and because he knew he couldn’t stop himself as he’d never done before, but also knowing that sometimes being dead honest wasn’t the best idea, and that sometimes it was better to keep your thoughts for yourself.

Daesung didn’t look angry, in that moment, he only seemed to be asking himself how he’d gotten in that situation, with his arms crossed in front of his chest, waiting for him to continue, maybe a tiny bit exasperated, how he usually was with him when he was being annoying, which was basically all the time. “I didn’t like it.” he mentally slapped himself after blurting out those words, immediately realising just how childish and illogical he sounded, everything topped with an insensitive look; his dongsaeng stared at him for a moment, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard and he couldn’t blame him.

He felt the desire to be swallowed up by the ground and disappear because how stupidly he’d just acted and how ridiculous he seemed right now; when the other finally spoke, he didn’t even sound irritated or disappointed, he really just sounded sad and he didn’t know how to interpret it.
 
“This isn’t really the moment to be jealous, hyung, it really isn’t. For once, just this once, could you think about others, too? Jiyong’s in a bad place, right now, a very bad place and he needs you just as much as he needs me or Youngbae; you have to understand how much he’s suffering. He always tries to smile for the fans and other people who aren’t inside this situation as much as we are, but he’s having a hard time and you really need to let him understand that you’re here for him, too.” with that, he turned around, saying that they needed to get ready for the concert, because it was getting late, and slowly walked away, looking at the ground.

Just in that moment, Seunghyun realised how stupid he’d been to ask that question in the first place and he cursed his even more stupid brain for pushing away yet another dark thought he didn’t want to have.

He didn’t know why their leader was in such a worse situation than they were, but he’d noticed how distant he’d seemed since they arrived the day before, how quiet he’d been and he hadn’t questioned it, he’d just decided that it was better to do what he always did when he didn’t want to face up to a situation; how could he forget that Seungri wasn’t there, how could he?

The maknae had told them that he was going to be fine and that they needed to go or VIPs would be disappointed several times but that didn’t mean he was supposed to completely forget him, alone and cold enclosed between white walls; he sighed and blinked back the tears he hadn’t realised he was crying, telling himself over and over again that he was selfish and didn’t deserve all the people who cared for him.

Jiyong was suffering and he dared to think he was taking Daesung away from him, like a child who’d lost his new toy; he couldn’t understand himself, he couldn’t understand why his mind decided he had to forget somethings that were way too important to be forgotten.

- - -

‘I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me’
 
He’d heard those words over and over again since the YG family tour had started and had thought he’d gotten used to them, but, in reality, he hadn’t; even worse, this time they hit differently.

He had always hated to hear Daesung sing them, because he’d always had the awful feeling that he actually believed it, that he’d decided to cover that song because that was how he still felt from time to time, unable to forget how many times he’d been called ugly, too ugly to be a singer, too ugly to ever have the chance to be successful; because he knew that was how it always went, he would never believe it when someone told him he was beautiful, he would always think they were just being nice but insincere.
 
‘Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me
I’m handsome’
 
He didn’t even understand it was ridiculous, he made it seem like he didn’t even have a mirror in his own house; he’d had his fair share of ugly people, if he had to harshly honest, and Daesung surely wasn’t one of them. And the best thing about him was that he wasn’t only gorgeous on the outside, he was deeply and truly beautiful on the inside, too; he was one of the most beautiful souls he’d ever met.

He could come off as a cold person if you didn’t know him well enough, because it wasn’t actually all that easy for him to express his feelings as it seemed, but, after seeing him basically every day for the past nine years, he could say that he’d understood that he was one of the kindest and selfless people in the universe.

That was what pissed him off the most; people weren’t even supposed to care how he appeared, they were supposed to see him for who he really was, but, after all, looks were all that mattered in their world and it would never stop stinging; not only for his dongsaeng, but for every single person who was forced to be insecure about their appearance because of what people said, and nobody could even start to think that it wasn’t all that counted in real life.
 
After all, Seunghyun knew perfectly well what people thought of him, how they saw him; he’d been called hot or handsome more than once in his life, both by fans and by the media, but that wasn’t how he saw himself. He knew he was ugly even if maybe he really wasn’t on the outside; and that day had been the confirmation he’d looking for.

He was the most disgusting and self-centred person he knew, for how much he tried, he never stopped thinking about himself and only himself; he was a mess, a total disaster who could never understand what was going on inside his head, always on the verge of breaking down, unable to stand people for too long and unable to be loved.

And that was the reason why, after all, he was always alone and would always be; that was the reason why the people he cared about always left him at some point, understanding that he couldn’t love anything else but himself. He didn’t deserve the love he received from his dongsaengs, when everything he did was tiring them to death with his childish behaviour and treat them like dirt when he was having one of his bad days and didn’t want to talk to anybody.
 
‘There is no such thing as warmth
There is no one by my side’
 
Turning around slightly, he noticed with the corner of his eyes someone standing just a few feet away from him, observing the stage just as he’d been; he recognized him as a member of Winner, but had never really taken the time to remember their names, he just knew him as the one he’d talked to during their tour in Japan, when they’d been asked to appear in an episode of their series.

What surprised him was that, when the other briefly glanced in his direction, probably asking himself why he was staring at him, he noticed in his eyes the same look that must have been in his just a few seconds before, and that maybe still was. That look of someone who was desperately trying to keep all their pieces together, trying to understand what was happening in their mind; the look of someone who couldn’t stop thinking about how ugly they were on the inside.

He didn’t tear his eyes away from him, he kept looking at him, telling himself that he was way too young to think something like that of himself, and trying to remember for how long he’d felt like that, realising that maybe, after all, he’d been feeling like that all his life and that person in front of him reminded him of how he’d been when he was younger.

He painfully reminded him of himself and he suddenly wished he could help him; but he realised that there was nothing he could do, other than accept that he would have to see another person destroy themselves just like he’d been doing for all that time. His lips curved up in a bittersweet smile as he turned away and walked away, unable to stop thinking about how selfish he was and about that boy’s eyes.
 
‘All alone I’m all alone
I’m always alone’

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A/N: You get bonus point if you understand who the Winner member at the end is. Just telling you that he low-key reminds me of Seunghyun, as I've said. And also, it has to do with one of the Kangs.