A/N:

Okay, I think that the first phrase of this chapter pretty much sums up my feelings. I'm sorry, I know I'm really, but I've been really unsure about continuing publishing this story after TOP's live last weekend, since he got me a little worried and I thought that maybe it was better to stop; at the end, I decided that I'm going to publish all the chapters that take place in the past and maybe slow down a bit as we reach the present. 

Anyway, I know next to nothing about little-Bigbang, so I just threw in the story a random chapter about them before the debut, using all the information I had, even if I still got many things wrong. I did an awful job at describing them and I hardly name them, so, sorry if this is confusing. 

Ah, yeah, I think I forgot to mention that, even if this story is written in third person, it's still from Seunghyun's point go view, so everything is seen as he perceives it, and not everything he thinks reflects the truth I choose (even if that's a problem for later). 

- - - 

2005

“I’m sorry, I’m late! I’m sorry!” the door to the training room swung open and a rather flustered boy with his hair sticking up in every direction and his clothes drenched with sweat, ran in, stumbling on his feet and almost collapsing to the floor; the other five boys, who were already inside the room and had been practicing for the past minutes, turned around and only blinked in his direction, a bit taken aback by his sudden apparition.
 
After a moment of due confusion, one of them, with brunette hair, round cheeks and a strangely sharp jawline, instructed another to go stop the music, looking at the newcomer crossing his arms over his chest and huffing in an annoyed manner; he then waved his arm slightly, signing to the others that they were allowed a short break, considering there was no way they could continue that way and reach the objective he’d set.
 
He walked towards the table where he’d left the lyrics of the songs he’d written with his notes to improve the choreography they would have to show to president Yang soon enough, ignoring completely all the other people in the room, submerging himself in work; the boy wearing only a simple tank top, baggy jeans and a beanie to cover his black hair, glanced at him and sighed slightly, wondering how he still had the strength to keep going after all those years of training and the frustration he was feeling in that moment, which he partially understood, even if he wished he could be a bit more sympathetic towards the others, considering it wasn’t their fault if their possible duo had eventually gotten cancelled.
 
He then grabbed a bottle of water from the floor near the large mirror which occupied two walls of the room and quietly walked towards Daesung, who was currently sitting on the floor, trying to calm down his erratic breathing; he knew that he was having a hard time and he didn’t want to make it more difficult for him, and, anyway, he liked to help, it was just a part of his personality and he’d always thought that it was the correct thing to do, because everyone’s story is different and he didn’t have time to judge people.
 
He handed the younger boy the bottle, who sent him a grateful smile while taking it, before heading back to where he’d been to instruct Hyunseung on what he was doing wrong in the step sequence, telling himself that behaving like the leader wouldn’t help at all, even if he would never tell him, not really because he was scared of him (after all, they’d basically known each other for their entire lives and he’d learned how the other really was), but because he knew he just wouldn’t listen to him and he didn’t want to waste his time.
 
The boy with a head full of black hair pressed under a cap, still chubby cheek and deep dimples when he smiled, walked over to where Daesung was sitting, falling down beside him and asking him how his day had gone, genuinely interested; they’d been training together only for a few months, but Seunghyun had to admit that he admired the other boy quite a lot, knowing how much he was fighting to achieve his dream, fighting with himself to get better and better in dancing and singing, and fighting with his parents, who were strongly against the idea of him becoming a singer, because they said he was never going to be successful and he couldn’t risk never having a career and a life for a childish dream like his.
 
He understood him, he understood why that had only been an encouragement for him to try as much as he could to reach the light he saw in front of him and that everyone was blind to, because, sometimes, people trying to tear you down only help you become stronger; he knew it very well, still remembering when he’d tried to audition into the company for the first time and they’d told him he was too fat to have a chance, because the idea people had of an idol was completely different and he’d been so pissed about that he’d gone home and lost more weight he’d thought possible in a short time, and he swore he was never going to exercise and diet so much ever again in his life, whatever they said about him. Once he was rich and famous, nobody would even care about his appearance, they would finally only see him for his music.
 
He quietly listened to what the younger had to say, as he exasperatedly told him that at first his train was late, and when he finally got onto his bus, there was a lot of traffic due to some incident or construction and, even if he’d run all the way there, he’d still arrived late; he told him that he was sorry again, even if he wasn’t looking at him, but towards Jiyong, who was bowed down onto the table and seemed to be analysing his papers without noticing him.
 
Seunghyun noticed a slight frown appearing on Daesung’s forehead and had to admit that the way their leader had been behaving recently was awful, especially since the youngest out of all the boys, who had a loud laugh and deep bangs under his eyes, had been added to the group, not even because he’d wanted to, and, even though his singing wasn’t that great yet and the way he danced seemed uncoordinated, he wished he would stop, because he honestly wasn’t helping any of them; he seemed so different from the child he’d known, he’d been forced to grow up too fast and already had too many responsibilities on his shoulders, since he felt like he was the one who had to bring them to debut and he kept destroying himself every day more because he had no intention of letting go.
 
Their teamwork wasn’t great at all, for the moment, they were really distant and separated, some of them barely talked to each other and nobody had yet acknowledged the youngest, and they all could see he was confused by that behaviour; Seunghyun wasn’t stupid, and he knew that they had to change if they wanted to achieve something and be accepted by president Yang as a group; and he knew that they needed to become friends, some way or another, even if it was going to be difficult, because, otherwise, they would always be stuck in the same spot for the rest of their lives.
 
“He really hates me, doesn’t he?” Daesung’s voice brought him back from the swirl of his thought, and he followed his gaze, still focused on the leader after all those seconds; in eyes were trying to hide a sadness the older found incredibly strange, and he realised something that he’d never realised before: that his eyes were incredibly sincere and you could always see his emotions clearly as the day. He didn’t even know why, but he was sure he was soon going to change and all that honesty, which still seemed the one of a child, would disappear and it would be difficult to know what he was thinking and he hated that idea, simply because he couldn’t stand not understanding something, considering that he found difficult understanding his own head more and more every day that went by; after all, though, they were all bound to change, in a way or another and it would soon happen.
 
“Nah, he’s just stressed.” he answered truthfully, that was what he believed and what he knew was true, considering that being the leader didn’t seem easy at all and he was glad that president Yang hadn’t chosen him just because he was the older, because he would’ve found impossible to guide five other people when he couldn’t even take care of himself.
 
Seeing that the younger didn’t seem persuaded at all, he gave his shoulder a playful shove and pointed towards the end of the room, where a boy was sitting by himself, looking around with lost eyes, as if he was wondering how he’d ended up there and why he wasn’t somewhere else, and maybe also wondering why nobody ever talked to him.
 
“Besides, the only person he hates is little Seunghyun.” he laughed softly, as he’d always found funny that he’d ended up being a trainee with a guy with the same name as he and with another whose name was his own but turned around; he’d already started making fun of him the day he’d walked into the room with his crooked smile and hair going in every direction and the other didn’t even know, but he’d thought it was his duty, considering he was the oldest and the other was just the maknae. He didn’t even imagine that was going to become his fulltime job once they debuted, but if he had, he wouldn’t have complained, because it always amused him.
 
Daesung laughed with him for a second, before covering his mouth with his hand and shaking his head, telling him that he shouldn’t say things like that about him, he hadn’t done anything to deserve it, but Seunghyun was happy enough that he’d managed to make him smile, even if he’d tried to hide it.
 
Jiyong finally unglued himself from the table and instructed everyone to gather back in the centre of the room because he’d already allowed too much time for that break; Seunghyun jumped on his feet with rediscovered energy and gave his hand to the younger, helping him stand up as well and dragging him along.
 
Their hands stayed joined for a moment, even one longer than necessary, and the rapper thought he didn’t mind holding that hand at all; no, in that moment he decided that he never wanted to let go of that hand, he decided that he wanted to know Daesung more than he did in that moment, he decided they were going to be friends either the other wanted it or not, because, in some way, he felt like they were similar, even if they were fundamentally different, they already understood each other without talking and he didn’t think he’d ever felt like that with anyone before.
 
No, he wasn’t going to let go of that hand whatever happened in the future.