Author's Note: If you guys want, play Night by Jean Seizure while you read this.

Just like that, another day passed as if the wind was too eager to leave today and live tomorrow. I couldn’t remember what was it like outside. It has been awhile since the last time I heard the bustling city or inhaled the fine dust Seoul has. From my apartment, I couldn’t hear any noise that will indicate me how the world continued even when I was hurting already, as if every second will last. For the first time in a while, I was able to gather the remaining courage in my system to hear the weather forecast for today. It was relatively warmer than it was yesterday, says someone who appeared right before my eyes.

Spacing out has been one of my hobbies for the months that passed. Whether it was boiling water, tearing an instant noodle pack, or even answering the door, spacing out has been what was constant for me. I thrived hard and had to crawl to live out sadness for each passing day. I readied myself to hear any news regarding Heechul’s death. For some reasons, sensational events don’t just disappear in a blink of an eye. It doesn’t just dissolve and blends in with hundreds and thousands of stars the world has to face. Maybe it was also the reason why I decided to live inside my apartment, cutting off my connection to the outside world. I barely survived with all the food deliveries I barely ate because of the loss of appetite I’ve been dealing with. The occasional visits of my mother helped a lot but I also had to ask her one more thing—don’t mention anything regarding Heechul. She practically begged me to go out and immerse myself again with what’s happening, or let her tell something about Heechul, who she apparently knew, but every time she does, I cut her off and went back inside my room.

My heart wasn’t sturdy enough for people to be rubbing salt on my fresh wounds. The moon gazed back as I stared, my tears hanging at the end of my eyes. I put my hands inside my pocket and listened to the bustling city. Winter's over and spring is almost ending. I didn't know I will have the courage to come out of my apartment but I also didn't have the heart to miss his favorite season. Leaves are falling as my heart sank. I knew it would hurt.

A petal fell on my cheek, like a tender kiss, comforting. After the isolation, I suddenly don't know where to begin. I cried and hoped to remember moments other than the last ones but my mind failed me. What a bittersweet fate I have on my hand. I walked and watched as the world continues to revolve slowly. Another heart must be breaking, another soul must be weeping. Another person must have lost, and another must be standing on a thin line between giving up and going forward. Yet no matter how we feel, the world doesn't stop for any of us. It continues to spin in its axis, waiting for us to catch up.

I don't have a plan where to go. I just needed to see the city before Spring bids good bye. I kept moving every time good bye starts breaking in causing my heart to shatter every time. I'm so tired. Will he be happy to see me there with him?

I mindlessly wandered around the unfamiliar but nostalgia flowed incessantly through me when I saw the swing still sitting where it should be. My eyes wandered to where we both lied down. It was hard. Hard not to cry, hard not to weep. But my heart was tired and longing, and my soul already fell into the block hole. I felt every agony, my heart constricts but I don't cry. I don't think I have enough tears in me.

Instead of plopping on the ground, I sat on the bench and watched as the world calmly takes its rest. I pulled my sweater closer to my body, and then covered my head with the hoodie.

"I don't know when I will ever accept the fact that you're gone…" I let the spring breeze take my words away.

Restless, aimless, lost. I lost the knowledge on how to live. I smiled and thought to myself, ’You won't be very proud of me.' I hung my head low and closed my eyes. I said a little prayer, asked him to watch over me, or maybe, just maybe, take this pain all away and bring him back to me. A tear escaped and everything else came rushing out like and endless stream. Like a plea from a distant voice. I ran after my breath.

I heard heavy footsteps nearing me.