A/N: I hope this’ll make sense.

Lisa’s expression didn’t even twitch after drowning strong liquor in one go. With now both her hands on the counter, supporting her body weight, she stared into the nothingness as she couldn’t help but think back to the moments she had had with Jennie. Two moments to be precise.

One just happened not long ago with Jennie basically telling her not to resist her. What did that even mean?

Lisa hissed into the empty kitchen as she tore her gaze away and poured herself another shot. She downed it and wiped the remaining liquid on her lips with the back of her hand away.

The other moment was after she’d helped Jennie with her studies. They had been at the parking lot of the Academy and Lisa somehow spilled a deeply buried desire which Jennie didn’t reject per se. She even kissed her and it made Lisa feel like an addict, feeling the rush of her drug pulsing in her blood and flooding her with euphoria.

Funnily enough, sleeping with the brunette hadn’t been one of those moments, because deep down the soldier knew that Jennie had been hurting. And whenever Jennie seemed to be hurting a lot, she sought that kind of comfort from someone else. What Lisa had been suspecting ever since turned out to be true and thinking about it now made her stomach twist painfully.

So, what did all of that mean? What did it mean that Jennie was now refreshing herself in her bathroom in the middle of the night and Lisa didn’t have the the slightest clue as to what her intentions were?

The soldier shook her head. Too many feelings and no answers. It was of no use and Jennie took quite long. She proceeded to rinse off the glass, wiped her hands on a towel and went to her bedroom.

“Found something interesting?” Lisa asked the seemingly immersed brunette. The soldier caught her taking a look at the photos in her room.

“Yes,” Jennie said as she kept her eyes on the photographs. When she felt the soldier near to her back, she tore her gaze away.

Lisa only bobbed her head in response after a moment since it had seemed as if Jennie wanted to say something but decided against it.

“Are they your parents?” Jennie referred to a photo that was taken after Lisa had completed the basic training. Lisa had been so happy her parents were there, but that was already such a long time ago.
The soldier hummed in response as she thought about the last time she’d seen her parents or at least heard from them.

“I see where you got this scary look from,” Jennie said as she traced the grim and rigid looking features of Lisa’s father with her eyes. And not even the round eyes and face took away any of Lisa’s mother intimidating look in her eyes.

“Are they still somewhere in a foreign country?”

“Yes.” Lisa answered curtly as she took the frame with the picture out of Jennie’s hand.

“Is that what you will do as well?”

“They are generals, I still need to gather much more experience until I get there.” When I get there, the soldier thought to herself but kept shut about it.

Jennie’s eyes traveled shortly to the ground as she didn’t focus her vision on anything as she thought out loud, “With experience you mean like war?”

Suddenly the atmosphere grew heavier around Jennie and it might have sounded naive, but when did she ever have to think about such issues?

“Eventually,” was Lisa’s only neutral response as she glued her eyes unto the smaller girl, trying to gauge her reaction. Lisa noticed that the brunette looked off.

“Is that really surprising to you? What did you think soldiers do?” She asked after Jennie only gave her short nod and an obvious, forced smile.

The brunette shook her head lightly, “I never really thought about what it really meant,” she began to say as she suddenly couldn’t stand to stay still anymore. She started walking through the room and tried to distract herself with different memories Lisa had hung up on the wall, but they all led back to the current topic.

“I just thought that you’re these cool people with a good looking uniform and that you just know already how to life.” She shrugged with her shoulders and gave the soldier a sheepish, weak grin. It seriously never occurred to Jennie just what the real life consequences of that profession ensued.

“How to life?” Lisa repeated what she’d said and couldn’t help but snicker a little at that notion and cute way of phrasing it.

“Last time I checked you were older than me.”

“I mean, look at you,” Jennie discontinued her search for distraction and went over to where Lisa stayed rooted. She was now in front of her and mustered her t-shirt.

“Even the shirts you wear in your spare time don’t have a single wrinkle.” Unaware of the reaction Jennie would elicit, she drew with the palm over Lisa’s right shoulder southwards and ended up touching her upper corded chest.

“And you must’ve been born with this neat haircut, your ponytail is always on point, there’s never a strand of hair out of place.” Jennie’s eyes scanned over her hair and looked for something to prove her wrong but came out short.

“A decade of indoctrination does that to you.” Lisa said as her eyes finally met with Jennie’s brown ones again.

A moment of silence had passed but the soldier could clearly see that the gears were working hard within Jennie’s brain. Her soft eyes started to grow more alerted.

“Aren’t you worried or scared? For you and for your parents?” It was a tentative question, one the soldier had never been asked before.

She sighed and needed a moment to think about it. She took another look at the photo with her parents. What if she would never see them again?

“No.” she finally said as she turned her body away from the brunette and placed the framed picture where it belonged.

“No?” Her catlike eyes widened significantly in astonishment.

“How can you not?”

“Jennie,” Lisa began seriously as she turned back to her, “I have no business in thinking about that. I have to follow orders, that’s all that matters, just as my parents do. This is all a soldier has to be concerned with.” There was no sadness or remorse found in Lisa’s steady voice. It was a fact she’d quickly made her peace with.

Jennie, however, couldn’t understand a word she said despite speaking her language. Her brows furrowed deeply as she digested these words which seemed alien to her.

“You can’t be serious!” She exclaimed incredulously.

“I am,” Her eyes were devoid of emotions and it started to feel sickening to the brunette.

“This is my sole purpose in life – to live and serve, it’s that simple.”

Jennie had to think back to all the times Lisa had been her own cold, intimidating self. She thought back to her own conviction that this was just a role, an appearance Lisa had to uphold but this bubble was completely busted for good now.

“What about Jimin? Does he think like that as well?”

At that an emotion etched its way into Lisa’s expression. Her gaze darkened a little, visibly unhappy with her mentioning her brother all of a sudden.

“No.”

It’s not that Jimin ever directly said something like this along the lines, but she was very much aware of his distaste for strict authority. Sometimes Lisa entertained the thought of him being adopted. He never wanted to live by the principles they’d been taught since day one, by the principles their prideful parents lived by ever since. Lisa highly doubted he would want to sacrifice his life for that.

“He’s been also at the Academy ever since he was young, right?” Lisa noticed the smaller girl getting a little bit frantic.

“Yes, why?” The soldier quirked a brow at that.

“Then why do you think like that?” There was an urgency found in her voice that the soldier couldn’t quite get a grasp on. If she were to delude herself, she’d think that the girl was seriously worried about her.

“It is what I am.” Lisa’s simple, nonchalant answer did nothing to help easing the wave of realization that hit Jennie. Hard.

She watched the brunette biting on her bottom lip for a moment, deeply in thoughts. When Lisa checked her wristwatch she was surprised to see such a late hour already. It’s been a long day after all and she needed some rest.

“Anyway, it’s late,” the soldier commenced her leaving as she planned to sleep on the couch but Jennie cut her to it.

“Sleep with me.”

Jennie had said those words just when Lisa gulped. It caused her to horribly choke on her own spit due to the suddenness of such words. She coughed several times and could already feel how her head grew red by the violence of them and the short lack of oxygen.

The brunette immediately rushed to her side with an alerted expression and patted with her small hand on her back. At least she tried.

“Are you ok?”

Lisa answered her question positively and calmed down from the coughing fit. But other than that, she was speechless. Did she really just say…

“I meant with me here in the bed, I don’t want to be alone right now.” As if she was able to read Lisa’s thoughts, she clarified her ambiguous sentence.

Just how could Lisa ever reject that beautiful woman?

“Alright.” Her answer was barely a whisper, taken aback by the sensations and thoughts which forced their way into Lisa’s brain.

After the soldier had given Jennie clothes to sleep in, Jennie went into the bathroom to change and get herself done for the night. Lisa used that time to get ready herself. But most importantly, she braced herself. She was nervous and anxious, and despite their heavy but short make out session not long ago, this certainly wouldn’t be a continuation of it.

When Jennie exited the bathroom, all lights in the room were already turned off and made Jennie orientate by the weak light from the streetlights shining passively through the large windows. When she reached the bed, she paused momentarily and worsened Lisa’s anxiousness in the process.

“I only have one blanket.” Lisa felt urged to comment on that fact and felt instantly after stupid.

“That’s ok.” Reluctantly she lifted the blanket and escaped the cold of the room. Lisa berated herself for feeling a sudden surge of emotions. They had already slept with each other once but suddenly just being buried underneath one blanket almost felt more intimate than the .

The brunette snuggled herself into the bed and laid with her back to the soldier, with their bodies not touching at all.

Lisa was on her back, her hands clasped behind her head as she stared at the ceiling, trying to calm her insanely fast beating heart. Did Jennie feel the vibrations of her fluttering and foolish heart? Did she hear her conflicting thoughts, the struggle – the push and pull?

Lisa sighed quietly in order to relieve some tension. With Jennie, uncertainty was a strict law the brunette diligently abode by. Crashing her night only to leave the blonde more torn than ever while trying to suppress the attraction she felt each and every time, but especially when she was this close. Having her under one blanket, feeling the warmth radiating from her bare legs and arms made Lisa dizzy and feeling utterly unable to ignore all these small details.

The soldier’s eyes traveled from the ceiling to the silhouette of Jennie’s back, without moving her head. She didn’t see much in the darkness but she could make out the serene movement of steady breathing. Quiet and peaceful. Without knowing why, that scene angered her. Was she the only one with her head spinning? Was Jennie really indifferent to her?

Not being left any more time to ponder these questions, the sheets rustled and the weight of their bodies centered on the mattress as wary eyes caught Lisa’s and stared right back. Lisa was unable to break the stare which ten-folded the tension and caused heat to accumulate rather quickly within the winter-stricken temperatures of the room.

“I’ve never met anyone like you.” Jennie’s voice produced barely any sound, but Lisa had clearly heard an undertone swinging with those sounds.

Uncertainty.

The soldier could only do as much as keep staring into those dark irises as if her life depended upon it, as if she would miss a revelation if she were to take off her eyes for a mere second. She wouldn’t know how to reply to such statement anyways.

“How did you get so close to Rosie? You don’t seem to be the type for that at all.”

If the reflection of the light from outside had been brighter, Lisa would’ve seen the revelation she longed for. A certain flicker of Jennie’s eyes would’ve alleviated some of her pain, but it all happened unbeknownst to her.

“Chaeyoung?” She repeated the name of the girl as she won some more seconds to ponder that unforeseen question.

“I don’t know if there are people who wouldn’t get along with her.” She replied but knew right after that this wasn’t a sufficient enough answer, so she continued, “It just happened. She was surprisingly easy to talk to and didn’t annoy me. And what am I not the type for?” Lisa changed her position as she propped herself up on one arm, her body turned to the laying body of the brunette.

“For such close friendships. She cares a lot for you.” Jennie replied with a low voice, her eyes staring up at Lisa as she remained snuggled into the pillow.

“Apparently I am, otherwise you wouldn’t lay here.”

At that Jennie’s furrowed brows could be seen even in the semi-darkness.

“You think we are close friends?”

Lisa didn’t know if she should feel offended or if Jennie was just genuinely confused.

“To be honest, I don’t know what this here is, but I assume this comes closest to such concept.” She gestures with her hand between the two of them to emphasize her words. But despite her firmness she herself didn’t want any of those words to be true. She wanted those words to be empty, because no matter how she turned these words around in her head, the association with Jennie and friendship only stung. A lot.

At that Jennie practically shot up and was sitting now while her whole attention was on the soldier. The abruptness of her action internally startled Lisa a little bit since she wasn’t used to such behavior coming from the brunette. Jennie might have thought of Lisa to be something akin to a robot maybe, but sometimes Jennie was colder than Lisa could ever be in regard of their relationship.

“Did you sleep with her?”

Her words were delivered with a mixture of exasperation and incredulousness, causing them to almost be a whisper at the end. It was only then that Lisa could clearly see the emotion which had motivated such response and frankly, she grew mad. She grew mad because Jennie had the audacity to be something akin to jealousy while she herself for real constantly engaged with other people in activities she didn’t want to think of now.

That’s why she intentionally didn’t give her a clear answer, “Even if I did, it wouldn’t be a matter I’d discuss with you.”

“So you really did?” The brunette fisted the sheets beneath her palm as she wasn’t able to control , not knowing why she felt this unbearable burst of hurt.

“Who else did you ? Jisoo, maybe? Is that the reason she doesn’t like you? Did you her and then drop her?”

“What?” Lisa couldn’t lay still anymore when she heard all those accusations being hurled at her. She was now sitting up as well, looking Jennie dead into the eye. “I can’t believe what a hypocrite you are.” she had to chuckle mirthlessly at that absurdity.

“Pardon? I’m not the one sleeping with our ing friends!” The level of her voice rose and echoed in the room. Lisa had to get up and move because, damn, she was surprised herself how close she already got to lose her cool.

“I neither slept with Chaeyoung nor with Jisoo. Like, are you serious, Jennie? But what about you, huh? I really don’t want to know how many you’ve ed ever since we met and how many you’ll continue to…,” Lisa let the words trail off, her voice was raspy and rough, her emotions pushing to the surface and betraying the soldier. She had to pant from the pent up frustration being let out so suddenly despite having been drilled to always stay rational and not let feelings dictate the behavior. Jennie must’ve been equally stunned by the bluntness and harshness of these words, knowing that this was what Lisa must’ve thought of her all along.

Lisa’s eyes were fixed on the brunette who stood up from the bed as well. Her movements were first determined but lost much of its confidence when she came closer to the blonde.

“That’s how you think of me?” Contrasting the heat of their fight with her trembling voice, it was a frail attempt to not let the b tears fall.

“I-…,” a stray tear rolling down Jennie’s cheek made Lisa lose her balance momentarily, seeing how the brunette slightly turned away to wipe it away dignified.

After she turned back to the soldier, her face was layered with anger.

“Who are you to judge me like that? Who are you to speak? You used me to satisfy your need for control. Happy you got me? Where are you better than me?” Jennie’s rant made her come closer and Lisa never before had heard such venom in her voice. She felt shaky and toppled, she felt the situation slipping through her fingers.

For a moment she felt guilt, until she regained her grasp on reality. It had never been about something Jennie could give her. Maybe she was late in realizing this, but it had always been about Jennie herself.

“I never used you, only you did.”

“I never forced you to kiss me or to sleep with me,” Jennie said eventually as she stepped back and started to gather her belongings. “You wanted it, Lisa.”

“You wanted it! So stop putting all the blame on me!” She repeated with a strained voice and after she’d gathered all of her things, she came closer to the motionless Lisa once again.

Jennie was about to deliver her final line before she’d leave, but Lisa interrupted her, “And what do you want, Jennie? I don’t think you know because you’re so confusing! One minute you ignore me, the other you kiss me back. You screw whoever you want to, but get jealous at the prospect of me doing the same.”

That hit a nerve and Jennie couldn’t mask the brutality of Lisa’s truth.

She didn’t know what to do anymore or where to go to with all these conflicting emotions within her. But there was one thing she knew for sure: the reason why she never sought a relationship – the reminder being her mother each and every day.

“I don’t want to get hurt,”