Chase Atlantic - Numb to the Feeling

Lisa hissed after she applied a tincture unto her torn open wound beneath her eye. With two slim, special bandages she connected the still throbbing and stinging edges.

After exercising throughout the rest of the weekend and being almost all the time at the Academy, the wound had reopened yet again.

After she finished stitching herself up, she mustered her reflection in the mirror shortly with an indifferent expression and watched herself as she drew over the big bruise with the laceration with her fingers.

This was a civilian wound – not a military one.

In the military you might break a bone, pass out or cut your whole arm open with barbed wire, but such wound was the product of a primitive fist fight with no tactic and no anticipation of the opponent’s next move. It had been raw and solely based on brute force.

It had been a great outlet.

One, however, Lisa never wanted in that way.

She never wanted Jennie to be trapped by two guys, unable to think and act accordingly with a drugged brain.

When the soldier had assessed Park’s physical appearance, nothing struck her as something off. How could it even? He’d been just there dancing and talking to his loser accomplice.

When she had observed him at the party, the thought of him looking handsome crossed her mind, although it ignited no response within her. Now was a guy looking very good all it took for Jennie to trust and see which path the evening would take?

Lisa shook her head at these thoughts while she turned the faucet on and washed her hands, feeling a jolt of tearing pain traveling from her right hand up her arm.

With her left hand she brushed over the small, open wounds on her knuckles, located above blue and purple tissue.

She turned the faucet off and went into the kitchen to fix herself a strong coffee.

At the counter she watched mindlessly the steam rising into the air for minutes until she remembered all the messaged she’d received but never opened. Lisa hadn’t bothered to read them, regardless of being restless and without much sleep all weekend long.

Eventually, she took the cup and let the still hot beverage burn her insides lightly, activating her tired body as a result.

After repeating it several times she activated the screen of her phone and saw again multiple messages.

For the first time after the party she paid attention to them and didn’t just ignore their existence.

There were many from Chaeyoung asking if she were ok, where she went to and thanking and saying sorry in the same breath. Other messages were from Jimin telling her to go home without him. Apparently, nothing of what had been going down upstairs exceeded the boundaries of the stairs down to the ground floor.

After she scrolled through the last, her heart rate doubles without its causes rooting in the strong dose of caffeine.

Jennie had texted her not long ago, “Can you meet me at the Café we’ve been to before at 2? I’ll be waiting,”

Lisa’s hands suddenly started to sweat profoundly, causing her phone to slip onto the table without a care. There was currently no strength found in her muscles.

She was completely nervous all of a sudden while feeling something akin to euphoria at the small sign of acknowledgement coming from Jennie’s side.

Being ignored all week long, even at the party before the incident, wore her out and made her long for something as simple as a hello.

After Lisa calmed down bit by bit, her brain started to analyze the message and the possible reason why exactly she wanted to meet her so suddenly.

Did they tell her about what had happened at the party on Friday? Or did she remember themselves?

And even if both question were to be answered with a yes, the reason for texting Lisa wasn’t yet clear. Yes, she kind of saved her, but acted undoubtedly aggressive towards not only the girls but Jennie as well. And if Lisa hadn’t gotten her out of their grip, the girls would’ve found somebody else to do it. Anybody could’ve helped in that situation, the soldier thought.

After rolling all the possible motives in her head like a dice, her fragile and insecure happiness over Jennie’s message vanished.

Lisa certainly didn’t want Jennie to text her and want to meet her because of something like this. It almost felt obligated to do and offer such things after being helped.

She didn’t want her pity. That was just such a disgusting thought to the soldier, which started to wound her pride.

With furrowed brows she checked the date again to see if it really was a message from today and not an ignored one from yesterday.

This made arise new question in her head. Why did she write today? Why two days after the incident and not right the morning after?

“You don’t owe me anything. Don’t wait,” The soldier tried to push all possible explanations and all unanswered questions away.

With this dry message she felt part of her pride healing by making herself believe she brought the situation under her control and hers alone.

As content as she could be, she put the phone away to go outside on the balcony with her coffee to smoke one.

While on the balcony the soldier shrugged off any other thought about the one and only Kim Jennie.

~~~

Two hours had passed and Lisa had actually succeeded in taking her mind off of the brunette while straining her body with further exercise in the afternoon winter landscape. Lisa didn’t care how much her body hurt all over. She’d do everything to refrain from looking at the empty screen every five minutes.

But now, after the hot shower, her arms and legs grew languid and there was no escape of having a closer eye on her phone as she prepared herself a protein rich snack.

As she was eating away at her yoghurt topped with bananas and cinnamon, she thought about the possibility of Jennie not answering her but still expecting her to come. After all, Jennie was fierce and Lisa could very well imagine her being this stubborn. But if the soldier were to come anyways and Jennie wouldn’t be there, that would be a huge blow to her ego. Same thing would happen if she were to show up in the first place after saying she wouldn’t come. Lisa ran out of options.

Despite being deeply in thoughts, the sudden vibration demanded Lisa’s attention and was almost immediately granted as she rushed to her phone and opened the message of Jennie, “After what you did last Monday, you owe me, Manoban. You better come, it’s cold outside,”

Well, this was along the lines of what Lisa had expected from her with the only difference that she could indeed now show up without hurting her pride plus having the privilege to see Jennie.

She checked the time and knew she was late. She quickly dashed into her bedroom and trashed through her wardrobe for something fitting.

After she was mildly pleased, she put her semi-dried hair into a high ponytail and went out of the house.

When Lisa had arrived, Jennie was already standing outside the café with a cigarette in her hand and the phone in the other. Fortunately, the brunette hadn’t noticed her thus offering Lisa the opportunity to appreciate her appearance before she would meet her and disguise her appreciation and adoration for the smaller girl.

Jennie’s hair was tousled and her delicate neck was covered by a big, black scarf. She topped the outfit with a demin-blue jacket and tight black jeans. Damn, she was looking stunning.

“Jennie,” Lisa had to leave eventually to stay on time and tore the girl out of scrolling through her news feed. She was greeted with a cold expression which made Lisa’s body ache in a way which the physical pain couldn’t compare with. This was certainly not the expression one greeted their saviors with.

“You’re late,” Jennie eventually said as she took one last drag and put her phone away before crossing her arms. She didn’t care about the fact Lisa appeared in shades although the sun was thoroughly blocked by the seemingly everlasting wall of grey clouds.

The soldier knew that she wasn’t really late but refrained to say anything. Even if she were to say something, Jennie didn’t wait for it and started to go ahead. Surprisingly, not into the café but towards a path going into the local, sparse forest.

As she caught up and felt her legs throbbing with each step she took, a wave of Jennie’s perfume hit her and made her legs wobblier, turning the simple task to walk into a chore.

The brunette didn’t talk and so the soldier figured to just let her adjust to her.

After some more minutes in silence, they transferred from the busy street to the more private path leading into the forest and to the local lake.

“Tell me what happened at the party,” Jennie demanded suddenly and came to an abrupt stop. The look in her eyes was fierce and throughout all the silence, she slowly started to boil with questions internally until she exploded.

Jennie behaved towards her as if the party and its occurrences never happened and it made Lisa grow defensive and act without any reason. The brunette tortured her all week long, presenting herself right in front of her at the party with some dude and now she’s giving her for what?

A devilish smirk appeared on Lisa’s face as she turned her body to the brunette, “Your friends didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Jennie was visibly agitated and couldn’t see if the soldier was serious or not due to the shades. She’d been brewing over the party all weekend long but got nothing but flashbacks and no answers from her friends.

“Maybe if I show you will you remember?” Lisa’s smirk grew wider and she stepped closer to the brunette who tried to back up despite feeling less intimidated due to her own agitation and irritation.

But when her back hit the hard wood of a tall tree, she knew that there was no escape anymore, reminding her about the exact situation which made the brunette ignore Lisa’s for the whole week.

“Show me what?” her voice was higher than usual by an octave, her cheeks red from the cold.

The soldier, however, didn’t plan to answer by telling but by showing. She shot her a self-assured smirk as she brought her hands to Jennie’s thin waist and relished the warmth and proximity immediately. It felt as if a shot of drugs had been pressed through her veins.

 
“What happened,” she tilted her head and tried to get closer to her but Jennie’s hands pressing against her chest kept her at bay and the frail distance intact. 

“Did we… do something at the party?” Jennie’s hold against Lisa weakened considerably as the brunette tried to complete the puzzle of her lost memories. It only then dawned on the soldier that she didn’t consider that Jennie didn’t in fact know guys had been doing this to her and thus concluded Lisa had been doing that on the party.

“Define do something, Jennie,” It was too good for the soldier to not play along and make futile advances, knowing very well that it won’t be long until she would be separated from her bliss for an unknown time or maybe forever.

Lisa didn’t let her answer as she pressed forward again and felt the renewed strength in Jennie’s arms, “Cut it out already!”

But Lisa didn’t care. She thought to have deserved something at least for the way she had helped Jennie and got only in return.

When Jennie felt the same, prominent fear coming to the surface, she tried harder but the other girl wouldn’t stop.

“Stop ing with me!” Jennie almost screamed and felt the exact dejà vu of the past week with Lisa not making any move to stop.

The next thing she knew was that her hand throbbed painfully and stung simultaneously from the cold.

A loud slap echoed through the air in addition to the sound of Lisa’s shades falling to the ground from the impact of Jennie’s slap.

Wide eyes, she defensively brought her hands to her chest as she watched how the soldier recoiled from the hit.

Lisa’s strands covered her face but when she straightened her posture, Jennie saw horrified how blood ran out beneath the hand which covered the place that had been hit.

“Oh my god, Lisa!” Disregarding completely the situation which forced Jennie to take such steps, she ran to Lisa but was stopped with one arm, keeping her away.

The soldier wiped the blood away but it kept gushing out due to the wound not having had time to heal yet.

As Lisa tried to clear her face from the blood, Jennie could take a look at the bruised place which contrasted starkly to Lisa’s pale skin in the white landscape.

“That couldn’t have been me!” tears brimmed on the edge of her eyes but Lisa couldn’t think right now.

She was angry – a normal and healthy reaction when being physically assaulted. But what had hurt her more was the step Jennie had taken despite it being her own fault for pushing her yet again too far.

Lisa breathed in deeply and looked into the eyes of the brunette and for the first time in felt ages, she saw worry and care being reflected in them. But that came too late.

“You wanna know what happened? The guy you’d hung out with spiked your drink!” Lisa shouted at Jennie from the short distance, not being able to keep her composure under all these emotions and reflexes.

Jennie’s brows furrowed deeply and she looked intimated by Lisa but also shocked by what she’d just heard.

“What?...” Jennie uttered weakly under her breath and stared at the ground.

“Chaeyoung and your other friend came to because these two guys didn’t want to let you go and wanted to take you with them!” The aggression she’d felt when she encountered these disgusting jerks surfaced again as she relived the scene behind her inner eye.

“And guess what, Jennie? They were not happy to see me and now tell me, was it worth it?”

Lisa came unto the girl to make her look into her eyes and see the wound.

 
“Do you really have to get it on with the next best dude?” Lisa’s voice rose and rose but the words more and more started to bounce off. The blurry memories and the flashbacks one by one started to make sense and form a bigger picture. It was all too much and at once, making it impossible to form coherent thoughts or act reasonably. So she just went away and tried to flee.

Lisa’s chest was heaving and the anger prevalent, but as she watched Jennie walk off with such distraught and broken expression, she couldn’t help but chase after her.

“Jennie, wait!” the commander within her appeared but it didn’t make the brunette stop.

Everything hurt within the soldier. Her face, her hands, her legs and her heart. But she still found the strength to run after her.

As she reached her, she pulled her back at her wrist as gently as she could and saw how Jennie kept shaking her head faintly.

When Jennie then finally faced her with such heartbreaking expression, the words died in . It was as if a dry, big lump inhibited her to utter any kind of sound.

Jennie’s brows were deeply furrowed, her eyes bloodshot and she averted her gaze several times before the minutes and the stopped accuses calmed her down slowly. Lisa let her grip go loose and both their hands fell back to their side with neither saying something and just staring into their eyes.

Jennie could muster the soldier in front of her now that the peak of her emotional whirlwind had been reached and now weakened. She saw panic hidden behind Lisa’s eyes, something she’d never seen before.

Her gaze wandered to the blue, greenish area and it looked very painful and bad. It still bled.
How could this girl in front of her scare her so much at times and intimidate her? And how could she feel such care at the same time? It was most probably due to the fact that she herself was the reason such wound gaped in Lisa’s otherwise flawless face that made her act as she did. She was the girl who had saved her from worse.

Timidly and without a word she took Lisa’s warm hand and nudged her to walk back with her.

“We need to treat your wound,” she said at last. Her voice was weak and a bit strained.

Lisa was stunned by that action. She felt pathetic and just so completely drained from the anger coming with such strong intensity just for it to stop abruptly and filling it with so many different emotions.

How was it possible for Jennie to fill Lisa’s brain with so much dopamine from such a seemingly insignificant action? With her anger washed away, her energy laid solely on feeling Jennie’s hand gripping hers tightly and nothing else.

The footsteps engraving themselves in the snow was the only thing that could be heard and the soldier didn’t even care where the brunette would take her.

Due to simply wanting to feel Jennie’s hand, Lisa’s laid lifelessly in her grip until Jennie repositioned the uncomfortable hold and intertwined their hands, forcing Lisa to participate at least partly.

This small action made every pain and every ache so worth it and sweet. This was how great Jennie’s power over Lisa had grown, but Lisa couldn’t think about something like that while her hand was being held for the first time in her life.

~~~

Jennie had led them to her house and made surprisingly quick work with Lisa’s wound. They were both in the kitchen without either knowing what to say or what to do.

“Your Mother?” it was the first time Lisa had said something and her voice sounded strange.

“Away,” Jennie answered shortly with her voice having barely any strength as she didn’t look into Lisa’s eyes and cleared the table from the remaining bandages.

“So, I guess you’re awaiting someone then?” the soldier didn’t know where that came from and she had delivered it with a certain mock.

Jennie turned around quickly and gaped at her with a slightly angered and incredulous expression. She turned around quickly to slam the door shut after having retired the bandage set.

“No, Lisa. Not that it’s any of your business,” Jennie was just so done with the day and had yet to process a lot of information and have a talk with her friends. She didn’t really have the energy now to argue with Lisa all over again.

“It is,” Lisa retorted immediately as she got closer to the girl who started to fume again.

“Excuse me?” The brunette was so taken aback by this bold and untrue statement. Lisa almost acted like a possessive boyfriend.

After all the events and after knowing what had happened and that Lisa was obviously not going to drop it, she knew she needed wine. Red wine. She didn’t care if it was just three in the afternoon.

“Who’s going to save you next time, huh?” There shouldn’t have been any energy left in Lisa’s body, but she still couldn’t refrain from her actions. She couldn’t stop the river who pressed against the dam and wanted to break free. This river didn’t care about the non-existent capacity in her body to feel any more anger.

“I don’t need any saving!” the brunette was quick to defend herself and opened a bottle of wine aggressively and poured herself a big glass with the bottle hitting the rim with a shrill clunk.

“So, at Friday you had everything under control and would’ve loved what the guys would’ve done to you?” Lisa slammed her left hand on the counter next to the bottle and stayed close to the smaller girl who was busy devouring the wine.

“Yes, that was my fantasy coming true,” she replied as she crashed the glass on counter, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Why are you just so stubborn?” Jennie’s behavior plus the fact that she drank again made Lisa coming to the end of her wits. The red wine smiled so invitingly at her and she couldn’t stop herself from stealing Jennie the glass to drink a big sip.

“Why are you just so invested?” Jennie’s whole body was turned to Lisa and their bodies weren’t far away from each other. The insecurity flying through Lisa’s eyes was openly displayed and was too slow to keep it from being discovered by the girl who asked a question.

It was a good question.

“I just want to know,” Lisa said finally after staring at the brunette right in front of her for several moments. She swiftly refilled the almost empty glass with wine and took a big chug, feeling some kind of comfort already.

“What do you want to know, Lisa?”

“You never told me why you do it, I just don’t get it,” The soldier felt defeated by this direct question of hers. Jennie wasn’t supposed to know what Lisa internally thought of her.

The brunette understood immediately and furrowed her brows deeply. If this kept up at this rate, she would sure get wrinkles by the end of the day.

“Why do you want to know it so bad? Why do you care so much?” her voice was low and incredulous with a hint of sincere curiosity.

Jennie gazed deeply into Lisa’s eyes and watched her as she sighed deeply and begun to rub her chin before she dared to reply.

Lisa retreated the hand and put it next to Jennie on the counter before she replied in the same tone as Jennie, “None of them deserve you, none of them are good enough,”

When their gazes met as Lisa uttered such heartfelt words, an electric current flew through Lisa, intensifying what she felt for the other girl in that moment. Her sharp eyes grew softer as the seconds ticked off and her statement sunk in. When Jennie heard this sentence, nothing made sense anymore and she felt her heart beating stronger.

She couldn’t suppress the gasp and continued to stare at Lisa with confused eyes.

Rendered completely speechless, Jennie looked away and ruffled through her hair in an attempt to gain more time to react. But she didn’t know how to react and those couple of seconds didn’t change this fact.

A small chuckle escaped her at last while her facial features sported a faint red tinge on her cheeks. She leaned against the counter and stared onto the ground with a weak smile.

The atmosphere completely changed for the better with just one honest sentence.

“Nobody ever said something so… wholesome to me,” Jennie’s gaze wandered from the tiles on the ground to the doe eyes of the soldier.

Since the soldier couldn’t handle this situation without her lips colliding with Jennie’s, she kept quiet at first and only nodded in response until something to diffuse this situation came into her mind.

“By the way, I expect you at the academy at 5 tomorrow,”

“Why?” Taken aback by yet another turn of topic, the red tinge slowly faded away as the seconds ticked off.

“I’ll make sure to distract you,” Lisa’s right brow twitched suggestively out of reflex and she had to smirk, knowing fully well how it came across.

She relished the shocked and slightly flustered face she was immediately greeted with.

Weird how she could still be affected even after being as experienced as she was.

“Lisa! What are you…,” the petite girl slapped her arm in a girly manner in an attempt to shoo away the images of what distraction with Lisa could look like. She definitely needed some time to sort all of the events and how she felt about each one and about the reveals.

The soldier didn’t need to defend herself and simply chuckled at the desired reaction. She marveled at how everything felt so light with Jennie despite their past issues and all the agitation and irritation of not long ago.

Lisa then caught both hands and intertwined both mid-air, holding them there with both pressing slightly against it. Inwardly, Lisa melted from the softness of Jennie’s hands and loved the way they were significantly smaller than hers although that wasn’t something so extraordinary judging by the largeness of her own hands.

“Your grades are horrible, I will tutor you – that will hopefully drain you enough to just go to sleep.. and at the weekends I’ll still need to think of something,” as the soldier explained her reason, their hands slowly went down while still being intertwined – Jennie didn’t seem to mind though.

At this point the brunette didn’t even ask anymore how the soldier could even know and just accepted it. She did, however, pout at the thought of school and work and wasn’t sure if she would just grant Lisa with her presence tomorrow. She really didn’t care about school.

However, in that moment she started to care about the big hands enveloping hers. Her gaze wandered down to their hands and a sudden flash of embarrassment shot through Lisa as she intently watched the path Jennie’s eyes took.

Without noticing Lisa’s unease at her own action, she continued to fix her stare unto Lisa’s hand and said concentrated, “You really have big hands,”

Jennie got out of the hold of Lisa’s left hand and used it to cup her right hand with both of hers. She traced Lisa’s out of unknown reasons and was oblivious to the blazing fire within the soldier which was ignited the minute her featherlike touches ghosted over her skin and held her captive.

Lisa’s head started to swim with adoration and want. Luckily, Jennie didn’t see this look in her eyes due to her concentration on those big hands.

After some seconds of inspection, Jennie’s eyes widened as she held Lisa’s hand in an angle where she could clearly see the bruised knuckles.

“Is it… from the party?” her voice was barely a whisper and the whole situation grew quite intimate for Lisa.

“Yes,” it was meant to come out as firm and steady but instead took unto the same level as Jennie’s words seconds before. Lisa bowed her head and consequently reduced the distance between their heads as both gazes laid on her knuckles now.

Through the close proximity and Lisa’s heightened senses, Jennie’s perfume was almost palpable and making her lose her mind.

It suddenly felt as if the room got hotter and she felt as if her hands would soon start to sweat and would gross Jennie out.

Lisa was ready to take a step back and clear her hands from the brunette’s grip but was stopped immediately when she watched as Jennie slightly bowed down and brough Lisa’s hand to her face.

Completely unexpected and without any warning, Jennie first timidly gazed into her eyes with a breathtakingly expression which was relaxed and just so effortlessly alluring and then let her gaze wander to Lisa’s bruised knuckles again only to place a soft, lingering kiss on it.

Jennie took her time and giggled inwardly at the feel of the soldier going all stiff from that sudden contact.

Completely taken aback, Lisa was left with no choice but to stop breathing and let the girl do whatever she wanted to. She cursed, however, because due to the place of the kiss, she barely felt anything except for infinite softness.

When Jennie retreated her hand and let it free, Lisa stealthily breathed again as the oxygen started to run low in her system.

But it seemed as if the brunette wasn’t done yet as she brought her right hand to Lisa’s cheek and caressed it with utmost care before she leaned closer to her head with her gaze alternating between Lisa’s frozen and shocked eyes and the bruised place beneath them.

In that moment Lisa could’ve sworn that Jennie knew about her feelings – knew about her attraction for her heartbeat was so strong and loud in her ears. And if not for her rapid heartbeat, it was the painfully slow motions of coming too close to her face and making it look as if she was about to kiss her.

And she did.

She kissed her bruised region and let her kiss linger there for longer than at the hand, enabling the soldier to feel the soft textures of her plump lips in detail again.

It took the soldier all of the remaining strength within her to not connect her lips with Jennie’s even though they were so attainable with just centimeters separating them.

“I’m …back,” the moment which had held so many vast opportunities for Lisa to explore what Jennie might feel died immediately as Jennie jerked away instantly when both heard another voice.

“Mother…,”